Chapter 10 in which I spend a lot of time screaming at my computer.

Before we get into this weeks chapter I have ANNOUNCEMENTS!


First is that for August I will be running two posts a week as a trial run. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be 50 Shades of Grey Days and Sunday will be random posts. 


There will also be a special treat for you tomorrow as I have a very funny guest post sitting in my inbox waiting for you! So make sure you come by Friday to read it!

There is also a guest post I wrote for another blog on why EL James must hate women. You should go check it out!

Now, on to the chapter.

I am probably making a mistake in starting this post sober. I imagine this chapter will be light on hilarious screwing and heavy on all of the characters being awful. Still, I will try. I make no promises that it will last. So, Grey realizes that his Mom is outside and he's balls deep in his new bitch, and decides that he should introduce Ana to his Mother. So he unties Ana.

His grin widens, and leaning down, he undoes the tie. The woven pattern has made an indented pattern around my wrists. It’s… sexy. He gazes at me. He’s amused, his eyes dancing with mirth. He kisses my forehead quickly and beams at me.

“Another first,” he acknowledges, but I have no idea what he’s talking about.

BRUISES ARE SEXY YOU GUYS! Oh, Ana, I'm so glad you think so. You're going to love it when he gives you a black eye! Also I'm kind of with her on not knowing what this first is of. Is there a thing about rope burn among the BDSM community? Right, so Ana is untied, and starting to freak out about meeting Mamma Grey. I can't blame Ana's concern from the way she was chewing out the maid at the end of the last chapter. Lady sounds like a jerk-face. Grey is having none of that, though!

His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto. “Perhaps I should stay here.”

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Christian threatens. “You can wear something of mine.”

Grey, why DO you want your Mom to meet the girl she KNOWS you just had sprawled upside down from the ceiling RIGHT NOW? Also, Ana still hasn't totally signed on to be “yours” and unless you're pretty confident in your Mother's ability to wing-man, this could really throw a wrench in your plans. Oh, who am I kidding, the woman will be awful to Ana, but because of Grey's black magic glamour she's going to be all over him anyways. So Ana is all “I DON'T HAVE CLOTHES AND OH MY GOD I BET SHE'S SUPER CLASSY AND BREATHES FIRE AND EATS VIRGINS!” but gets derailed by another lady-boner.

In spite of my anxiety, I lose my train of thought. Will I ever get used to looking at this beautiful man? His beauty is derailing.

“Anastasia, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely. Please don’t worry. I’d like you to meet my mother. Get dressed. I’ll just go and calm her down.” His mouth presses into a hard line. “I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing. My t-shirts are in this drawer. My shirts are in the closet. Help yourself.” He eyes me speculatively for a moment, then leaves the room.

IF YOU NEED TO GO CALM HER DOWN NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO SPRING YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND ON HER!!! Also, wow total disregard for what Ana wants when she still hasn't agreed to do this.

Holy shit. Christian’s mother. This is so much more than I bargained for. Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Christian is the way he is… Suddenly, I want to meet her.

Ana, you are so, so creepy. So she scurried about getting dressed and fixing her just-fucked pig-tails which TOTALLY DON'T SUIT HER YOU GUYS.

I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Christian up on his offer of clothes. My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’. I ignore her. Struggling into my jacket, pleased that the cuffs cover the tell-tale patterns from his tie, I take a last anxious glance at myself in the mirror. This will have to do.

I STILL overthink what to wear when I'm around The Boy's family and it's been three years. I can have a casual conversation with his Father about strippers, but figuring what to wear to dinner requires THOUGHT. I'm with Ana at the despair here, but the part I really want to pick at is her subconscious. It picks on her a lot, but why on EARTH is it calling her a “ho” for wanting to grab a clean t-shirt? Hell, his t-shirts would likely be bigger and therefore LESS revealing. Steal a belt and a button-up shirt and you can reach ALMOST deliberate looking! That's a thing girls do! Are all women who wear baggy clothes hos to you Ana? Because most people go the OTHER direction. This little slip fascinates and horrifies me, and further adds a strange layer of prudishness to a BDSM fuck novel.

His expression is warm and appreciative. The sandy-haired woman beside him turns and beams at me, a full megawatt smile. [....] She looks groomed, elegant, beautiful, and inside I die a little, knowing I look such a mess.

Okay, so maybe I was wrong about the Mother being a bitch to Ana, maybe she's just a bitch to the help. Because that makes it okay. HATRED. Wait. Twilight fanfiction. Right. The Mother is SUPPOSED to be gentle and warm and awesome. I forgot. Well, I guess we know where Elliot gets his super warmness from? I also can't pick on Ana for being all “OH GOD SHE LOOKS CLASSY I LOOK LIKE SHIT” because if I had been out and about with a new Boy Toy and totally schlubbed up and he was all “HEY THERE'S MY MOM LET'S GO SAY HI!” I would be all “Oh God damn it I'm wearing shorts and CLEARLY have not shaven and my hair is doing that weird thing where it- Oh hi Mother of the guy who I'm touching on the penis!”

“Mother, this is Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, this is Grace Trevelyan-Grey.”

Dr. Trevelyan-Grey holds her hand out to me. T… for Trevelyan?

THE NAMES IN THIS BOOK! Grace Trevelyan-Grey. That is not even a pretend person's name. Also, how do you know she's a doctor? Does this come up before and my brain refuses to summon it from the drunken stupor I learned the information in? Also what the hell does T for Trevelyan even MEAN? So. Confused.

“What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes.

She's SO glad you didn't come strutting out in one of her sons shirts looking like a ho, and that you seem like a respectable barely legal girl!

My cell phone starts ringing. Kate, I bet.

I don't. Because she's SO SURE it's Kate she answers without looking at her phone to see if it's “Kate.” which means it's the one person she's been avoiding! Mr. Shoulders!

“Dios mio! Ana!” Holy crap, it’s José. He sounds desperate. “Where are you? I’ve been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why haven’t you returned my calls?”

“Look José, now’s not a good time.”

I'm psychic. Though Ana, we KNOW it's Jose, you don't need to tell us, because who else will open with not-English that you know? He's your token minority friend to make you look not racist! Still, this is both fair and reasonable answer from Ana. Now ISN'T a good time, which begs the question as to WHY she answered the phone in the first place. If it was “just Kate” she could have just let it ring, or hit ignore and put the thing on mute. She however answered, and when Jose launches into his “I'M SO SORRY FOR TRYING TO RAPE YOU WILL YOU BE ALONE WITH ME AGAIN SO I CAN APOLOGISE?” she panics and just says “Can't talk now”. I don't have any problem with her reaction, but I really don't understand WHY she answered the phone in the first place when she was so nervous/inexplicably anxious to meet Grey's Mom. Answering the phone is kind of rude.

“Where are you? Kate is being so evasive,” he whines.

“I’m in Seattle.”

“What are you doing in Seattle? Are you with him?”

“José, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.” I hang up.

Kate is not giving me the information on your whereabouts that I am entitled to! I am upset at you for being with the guy who cock-blocked me! If anything he should be THRILLED Grey popped up when he did to save him from doing something REALLY regrettable. Ana again says “Dude, NOT a good time!” and Jose continues to ignore her and ask questions that he has no right to ask. You lost friendship rights, dude. So Ana hangs up, which is fair, and goes back to the conversation she was in before. She doesn't mute her phone though, so Jose who is SO AWESOME at respecting boundaries and listening to what Ana wants DEFINATELY won't call back/text/track her phone via software he found online.

So Grey's Mother peaces out pretty quickly after a quick passive-aggressive jab about not having seen him in two weeks and offers him a frosty cheek (A HA! She might be a bitch after all!) and doesn't lay a finger on him before once again being nice to Ana and leaving. Why was this here? I mean "this" as in "this scene in this book at this point". Was his Mother there to keep Grey in check so he wouldn't go ape-shit and grab Ana's phone and smash it when Jose called? Don't worry, he'd have bought her a new iPhone once he smashed hers. One with a GPS. 

Christian glares at me.

“So the photographer called?”

Crap.

“Yes.”

“What did he want?”

“Just to apologize, you know – for Friday.”

Christian narrows his eyes.

“I see,” he says simply.

I would be onside with Grey for being irked about Ana taking the call when meeting his Mom for the first time. That would be a human and almost reasonable reaction. I wouldn't agree, but I would give it to him. However Grey being pissed that “the photographer” called? At least he isn't calling him “the brown guy”... It isn't the fact that Ana ANSWERED the phone, it's the fact that a BOY called her. She didn't call him, he called her. Had it been Kate, that would have been fine, but no, Ana must belong JUST TO HIM so he is upset a boy called. HATE. They don't have a chance to REALLY get into it because Taylor, who had just gone off to give Mrs. Grey a ride home reappears with news that there was some work shipment problem. So Grey does some workage stuff and Ana is basically twiddling her thumbs feeling awkward. Grey is frosty to Ana for a while after this. Because he's classy like that. He then goes to get the contract to give Ana to read over before he sees her next weekend.

“Research?”

“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.

Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop, and I couldn’t use Clay­ton’s, not for this sort of ‘research’ surely?

IS THERE NO LIBRARY IN DARTMOUTH? IS THERE NO COMPUTERS ON CAMPUS WHICH WOULD BE ALMOST DESERTED RIGHT NOW? HOW DID YOU MAKE IT THROUGH COLLEGE FOR AN ENGLISH DEGREE WITHOUT A COMPUTER?!?!?!?!

Grey says he'll lend her one (PRIVILEGE YAY!!) and goes to get dressed, saying they'll grab food on the way back to Portland. He seems almost back to normal, and Ana says “Okay you get dressed I just want to make a phone call”. She plans to call Kate because she's super frazzled at the moment and really just wants some reassurance, and then... Oh God, I'm just going to copy and paste this crap.

“The photographer?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.

GREY YOU ARE A POSSESSIVE CREEPY BASTARD AND I HOPE ANA ACCIDENTALLY FLOGS YOUR DICK OFF. He's getting mad at her for having a male friend. His concern isn't “HE TRIED TO DATE RAPE YOU”, his concern is he thinks that despite having found Ana helplessly trying to fend off his advances she might think that Jose is still a viable romantic option. After she gave her virginity to him hours ago. RAAAAGGGEEE.

He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi million­aire, billionaire, what-ever-aire, in these clothes. He looks like a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe a badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model.

Because he has many sides and all of them are displayed on the surface just like a real person! Ana then laments Grey going back into his cold persona, which means this will be a FUN car ride! Killmenowplease. Ana is starting to wonder how the hell she's not going to say ANYTHING. She wants to compare notes with Kate about if sex is like this for EVERYONE or if her mind is just particularly blown because Grey is such a sex god.

“Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.”

We both know you'll do it sooner or later.

“Talk to her if you must.” He sounds exasperated. “Make sure she doesn’t mention anything to Elliot.”

Why you gotta be like this Grey? I want to give you some benefit of the doubt. Not wanting your nosey brother to find out about your sex life? I can give you that, but being all exasperated about Ana wanting to talk to a friend (WHICH WOMEN DO! I don't think men go into the same kind of detail about their sex lives with each other as women do. It's usually more a Y/N with dudes. I think? Dudes, correct me if I'm wrong. But women go into great detail! Her friends likely know the size of your penis. Deal with it.) and act like this is you giving her some sort of boon... The douche over rides the reason. -5 points.

...But only about what we’ve done so far,” he warns. “She’d probably have my balls if she knew what I wanted to do to you,” he adds so softly I’m not sure I’m supposed to hear it.

I actually enjoyed this line. Just the mental image of Grey grumbling in the elevator about Kate wanting to harvest his balls kind of delights me. I don't know why.

“The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this,” he murmurs.

“Stop all what?”

“You, defying me.” He reaches down and cups my chin and plants a swift, sweet kiss on my lips as the doors to the elevator open.

THIS IS NOT BDSM THIS IS YOU BEING A CONTROLLING CREEPY JACKASS! The sooner you submit to me the better?! Say what you mean. “The sooner you give up your life and personality and the things that drew me to you in the first place the better”. I bet he just burns through women, leaving them a broken emotional mess when he's done as he makes them totally reliant on him and then just skips off to the next one to repeat his destructive and evil process so he can offer their souls and minds to his dark lord Nyarlathotep*.

Ahem. Anyways. So, they get in the stupid fancy convertible Audi R8 Spyder – I'm honestly just glad it's not a Volvo like Edward – and he puts the top down, they baseball cap up (because he just has two in the glove box) he blasts Bruce Springsteen (no seriously) and off they go!

Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words.

STOP TRYING TO RUIN ALL THE THINGS EL JAMES!

“Hungry?” he asks.

Not for food.

“Not particularly.”

His mouth tightens into that hard line.

“You must eat, Anastasia,” he chides. “I know a great place near Olympia. We’ll stop there.”

Ana, you need to learn to control your lady-boners. Grey, you need to learn that she's allowed to not be hungry, though she NEVER seems to be hungry and that strikes me as concerning. Does Ana have an eating disorder? Discuss.

So they go to the restaurant, called Cuisine Sauvage. I took a trip to google to see if this is really a place – it isn't, but cuisine sauvage is a food trend. One that despite working in the food industry I had no idea was a thing. Basically, these places hunt/scavenge food, make it fancy, and charge a small fortune since it's trendy and different. I've worked in food long enough to not even be kind of surprised that this is a thing. There has been such a huge push for organic/local/green restaurants that someone taking it this far just seems like the logical conclusion to that. I'm not saying that I think that this is a GOOD idea, because I really, really don't. It can be hard enough to manage inventory in kitchens as is, and orders constantly don't come in or get screwed up and then suddenly shit we don't have enough peppers for our special and we just ran out of burgers and it will take thirty minutes to make more and oh, look, time for the lunch rush! So the thought of being able to scavenge enough food consistently to actually run a restaurant is mind boggling to me. Still, you guys don't come here to listen to me ramble on about food and restaurants (though that could be an idea for a weekly feature. Anyone interested in that?) so I will move onto another tangent.

Grey orders wine even though he's driving and Ana wanted a diet coke while their waitress avoids eye contact because ZOMG EVEN RANDOM WAITRESSES REALIZE HIS RAW ANIMAL POWER!!

“Yes.” He smiles, his dazzling, head cocked to one side smile, and my stomach pole vaults over my spleen. I can’t help but reflect his glorious smile back at him.

STOP SAYING COCK UNLESS YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT BONERS JAMES! Also, isn't your stomach already sort of over your spleen? I also want to submit this as further proof that Grey has black magic glamour!

“My mother liked you,” he says dryly.

“Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure.

“Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.”

My mouth drops open, and I remember that question… from the interview. Oh no.

“Why did she think you were gay?” I whisper.

“Because she’s never seen me with a girl.”

I kind of like the image of Mrs. Grey being so relived that her son isn't gay that she doesn't care WHO he's boning (not that she'd have had a problem if he WAS gay! She just wish he would have come out and been honest about it!) and Grey introducing her to a horse or something since hey, at least it was a LADY horse and he isn't gay! Still, Grey was telling Ana that she needed to get nice clothes because sometimes she'd need to accompany him to things. That's like, two chapters ago. How is it he has NEVER been seen with a woman if that's a thing that happens? CONTINUITY!

“You know, Anastasia, it’s been a weekend of firsts for me, too,” he says quietly.

“It has?”

“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” His eyes burn, their intensity takes my breath away.

“Usually I don't introduce my Mom to the girls who I take back to my place and undress and sleep next to while they're blacked out drunk, either! Though I did do that once, but that was because she caught us at the abortion clinic and- oh, ah, ruining the mood, aren't I?”

“What’s vanilla sex?” I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, sexy look he’s giving me. He laughs.

“Just straightforward sex, Anastasia. No toys, no added extras.” He shrugs. “You know… well actually you don’t, but that’s what it means.”

“Oh.” I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?

Oh, Ana, did you just plug your ears and hum while the other people around you have conversations in university? I remember one day in class a bunch of girls were sitting around talking about anal. It went something like this.

“So I've never had anal, what's it like?”

“I dunno, I haven't either.”

“What? Neither of you?”

“Have you?”

“Well, no-”

“Then you don't get to judge.”

“It's like chicken.”

“What?!”

“It's like chicken. People always say everything tastes like chicken? Well, anal is kind of like that. It's really not that weird, it just takes more work and frankly, I have another hole that's a lot lower maintenance that's RIGHT THERE, why not use that one? It feels better.”

“Well, what if you're on your period?”

“How do you think I've come to know this in the first place? Why is Erika on the ground laughing?”

No, really. There was also one time when everyone was talking about making out with other women at bars and that women really were better kissers. IT HAS BEEN SCIENCED! Man, I miss college. So we know Ana will go to a bar, even if she doesn't drink, and Kate never shuts up, and her Mother strikes me as the type to talk openly about sex to Ana, so I am SHOCKED that Ana manages to be this... Clueless. I knew what “vanilla sex” meant back in high school before I was even HAVING sex. Congratulations, Ana, you are more naive and clueless then I was at 15! EL James, there is a difference between "naive" and "frighteningly sheltered". Ana as a character would make a LOT more sense to me if she had been given a super religious back ground as to Bella Swan's broken home one. 

“Why have you never had vanilla sex before? Have you always done… err, what you’ve done?” I ask, intrigued.

He nods slowly.

“Sort of.” His voice is wary. He frowns for a moment and seems to be engaged in some kind of internal struggle. Then he glances up, a decision made. “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”

Hey guys, remember in chapter 7 in the comments where we were all “There's no way anyone is so predictable that he's only into BDSM because of something traumatizing in his past, right?” OH GOD JAMES WHY? HOW ARE YOU THIS BAD OF AN AUTHOR WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!?! HOW IS THIS A BEST SELLING BOOK?! And Ana! Ana being the sensitive, kind soul she is, responds with this.

“Oh.” Holy shit that’s young!

YES ANA YOUNG ENOUGH THAT THIS IS STATUTORY RAPE! GUYS, MOLESTING UNDER AGED KIDS IS OKAY SO LONG AS IT CAUSES THEM TO GROW UP INTO A SEX BEAST!!!

Okay, I am NOT reading this shit sober. I'm going to go do a shot and then come back. Excuse me a moment.**

Alright. Back. Here is hoping that jolly rancher vodka continues to make everything better. I took a break to talk to a friend about this while I drank/let it kick in. He got upset at me for teasing this chapter. Guys, I don't always trigger warning, but I do need to here now. We're about to see child abuse handled REALLY badly. If that's a sensitive subject to you, stop here. EL James seems to think that shit is fair game to try and flesh out her male leads kinks. I just- I don't even- Shit, I need another drink.

The Boy: What are you doing?

Erika: Drinking.

The Boy: That bad?

Erika: Yes.

The Boy: Don't you work tomorrow?

Erika: (Dumping vodka onto ice) Yes.

The Boy: ... Goodnight sweet princess.

Erika: SHUT YOUR FACE.

EL James, you have just proven that you know almost nothing about people into BDSM, and child predators. The age of consent varies across the USA, but the lower end is 16, not 15. Wait, no, it's TOTALLY OKAY because NORMAL people aren't into BDSM you have to have TRAUMA or have been affected as a child! JAMES YOU ARE BEING MORE DISRESPECTFUL TO THE BDSM COMMUNITY WHILE TRYING TO WRITE THEM POSITIVELY THAN I AM SNARKING THEM! Fuck. Okay, brace yourself readers, we're about to get CAPS LOCK in this bitch.

“She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years.” He shrugs.

“Oh.” My brain has frozen, stunned into inactivity by this admission.

“So I do know what it involves, Anastasia.” His eyes glow with insight.

I'M GLAD THAT HAVING BEEN MOLESTED AS A CHILD IS GROUNDS FOR INSIGHT INTO WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND HAVE YOUR ASS TICKLED WITH AN EGG BEATER GREY! Fuck, there's no way his Mom's friend went through the steps of “Okay, so, here is what is and isn't okay, and what is or isn't okay for you.” because GREY WAS TOO YOUNG TO CONSENT!!! HE WAS 15 FUCKING YEARS OLD YOU SICK TWISTED BITCH! Sorry, no, clearly it's okay because he KEPT fucking her once he WAS legally able to give consent. Clearly that makes it okay and isn't due to the fact that she had made him afraid or ashamed to speak out about it!

“So you never dated anyone at college?”

“No.” He shakes his head to emphasize the point.

The waitress takes our plates, interrupting us for a moment.

“Why?” I ask when she’s gone.

He smiles sardonically.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t want to. She was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the shit out of me.” He smiles fondly at the memory.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT GREY?! YOU DIDN'T DATE BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID YOUR EX WAS GOING TO TURN UP AND BEAT YOU UP AND DIDN'T CALL THE COPS?! NO YOU WERE TOO IN LOVE BECAUSE SHE BRAIN WASHED YOU AS A CHILD!!

Oh, this is way too much information – but I want more.


That makes one of us.

“So if she was a friend of your mother’s, how old was she?”

He smirks.

“Old enough to know better.”

“Do you still see her?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still… err… ?” I flush.

“No.” He shakes his head and smiles indulgently at me. “She’s a very good friend.”

I PERSONALLY STAY FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE WHO TRIED TO MOLEST ME AS A KID! HE WAS NOT OLD ENOUGH TO CONSENT. SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH THAT THIS IS ILLEGAL. GREY IS NOT BOTHERED BY THIS BUT INSTEAD IS STILL SORT OF IN LOVE WITH HER SO ANA HAS SOMEONE TO GRAPPLE WITH AS HIS SECOND REAL GIRLFRIEND AWESOME!!!

“Oh. Does your mother know?”

He gives me a don’t-be-stupid stare.

“Of course not.”

“She would have crippled me if I ever told my Mother. She made that very clear.” I HATE YOU EL JAMES I HATE YOU SO MUCH HOW HAVE PEOPLE NOT LOST THEIR FUCKING SHIT OVER THIS BOOK?!?!?!! WHY HAS GREY NOR ANA AKNOWLEDGED HOW UTTERLY FUCKED THIS IS?!!?!?

What a revelation. Christian the submissive… Holy shit.

YES HOLY SHIT INDEED THAT HE WAS RAPED AS A TEEN! Not holy shit that he's been on the other end you USELESS AWFUL SKIN SACK! ASFAEHGOIwjrhbkesdfnlkhqewrgthdfsjhSDKFVOwirhq.I also hate the sexism that "No, it's okay if an older woman molests a younger boy because teenage boys WANT sex!" because, you know, that makes this steaming pile alright.

Ahem. So Ana tries to puzzle out what happened in this cluster fuck. She doesn't do any better a job at it than I am.

I stare at him. This man – sexually abused as an adolescent – his tone is so threatening.

Well, at least the narrative has AKNOWLEDGED that Grey was abused. Finally. Even if it is doing so to frame him as damaged in a sexy way and explain his dick-holeishness. I hate all of the things right now. There are not enough corgis in the world to make this okay, and there's like, five more pages of this chapter. Whine.

“Is this what our err… relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You, ordering me around?” I can’t quite bring myself to look at him.

“Yes,” he murmurs.

“I see.”

“And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low.

I sincerely doubt that.

Stockholm syndrome is a hell of a thing! Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK EL JAMES?!?!?! You are describing an ABUSIVE relationship, not a BDSM one! ONCE YOU GIVE UP YOUR SENSE OF SELF YOU CLING TO THE PERSON YOU GAVE IT TO BECAUSE YOU ARE LOST AND CONFUSED WITHOUT IT AND HE KNOWS THAT! THAT is what Grey is exploiting.

“Anastasia, you have to go with your gut. Do the research, read the contract – I’m happy to discuss any aspect. I’ll be in Portland until Friday if you want to talk about it before then.” His words are coming at me in a rush. “Call me – maybe we can have dinner – say, Wednesday? I really want to make this work. In fact, I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this to work.”

And here comes the charming boyfriend in wake of the dick one because “No, he's not always like this! I'm SPECIAL to him!” Ana, being the strong independent woman she is considers his open and desperate want of her that comes with no room for compromise. She isn't worried about giving up her sense of self to this man, but rather is worried to just be another number. 16 after the 15 he's already done. She asks what happened to 15, Grey shrugs and is all “Well, didn't really work, I guess” which is naturally what he's going to tell you. This is basically your third date. Abused as a child? That's fair game. Telling you the real reason he split with his ex? AW HELL NO!

So they finish eating and Ana starts getting lady boners again.

“I’m glad you can’t read my mind.”

“Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” His voice is suggestive.

IT TAKES MORE THEN FUCKING TWICE TO LEARN SOMEONES BODY WELL ENOUGH TO- Wait, this is Ana, who is literally GUSHING at the table. He probably can tell. :/

An artist's rendition of Ana.

He kisses my hand again and places it back in my lap. He climbs out, comes round to my side, and opens the passenger door. Why do I feel suddenly bereft? A lump forms in my throat. I must not let him see me like this. Fixing a smile on my face, I clamber out of the car and head up the path, knowing I have to face Kate, dreading facing Kate. I turn and gaze at him midway. Chin up Steele, I chide myself.

YOU ARE SEEING HIM ON WEDNESDAY AND IT IS SUNDAY! YES YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR CHIN UP YOU PANSY!

“Oh… by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Christian’s mouth drops open, shocked. What a great reaction. My mood shifts immediately, and I sashay into the house, part of me wanting to jump and punch the air.

You DID tell her to grab what ever she wanted of your clothes because hers were sex stained. Though I rather enjoy Ana cheering herself up at Grey's expense. I'm sure I won't be allowed to enjoy it for long, as now we have a scene with Kate.

“You’re back. Where’s Christian? How are you?” Her voice is fevered, anxious, and she bounds up to me, grabbing my shoulders, minutely analyzing my face before I’ve even said hello.

“You're still secretly in love with me, right? I'm still your favorite?” So Kate starts grilling Ana who shyly divulges that she thinks it was awesome. She isn't sure as, well, she has nothing to compare it to.

“My first time was horrid,” she continues, making a sad comedy face.

“Oh?” This has me interested, something she’s never divulged before.

“Yes, Steve Paton. High school, dickless jock.” She shudders. “He was rough. I wasn’t ready. We were both drunk. You know – typical teenage post-prom disaster. Ugh – it took me months before I decided to have another go. And not with him, the gutless wonder. I was too young. You were right to wait.”

“Kate, that sounds awful.”

Kate looks wistful.

“Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex and here you are… first time?”

Wow. There's a lot to unpack here. So Kate apparently was a cheerleader living in a drama set in highschool. It's a miracle she didn't get knocked up from that one time! Then she slips in a “YOU WERE RIGHT TO WAIT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN NAGGING YOU TO SUCK A DICK SINCE CHAPTER 1!!!” which again is a weird prudish thing to slip into a porn book about BDSM. It comes off as more "You were right to wait but I can only say that now that you have joined the ranks of the horny." Lastly I want to pick on the “IT TOOK ME FOREVER!” That may not be about the sexual prowess of your partners and more that you are simply one of many women who struggle to have orgasm through penetrative sex. I know women who simply CAN'T orgasm that way. Everyone is different, so while I appreciate the narrative acknowledging that Ana's first time was not run of the mill, I'm bothered by the fact that we're seeing a definition of “normal” vagina as no two vaginas are the same, or like the same things and arg.

“I’m glad you lost it to someone who knows their ass from their elbow.” She winks at me.

AS TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND TRUST AND WHO RESPECTS YOU! THAT SHIT IS OVERRATED!

“He’s complicated, Kate. You know – he inhabits a very different world to mine.” Great excuse. Believable too. Much better than – he’s got a Red Room of Pain, and he wants to make me his sex slave.

Other acceptable answers would include: He's older and in a very different life place than me. I don't know if our interests line up at all. I think he's a Satan Nyarlathotep worshiper who has black magic sex powers.

So then they keep talking about sex and giggling and acting like a pair of teenage girls from a high school drama. Then despite the fact that two chapters ago Ana said she wouldn't tell Kate anything about Grey and Kate wouldn't tell her anything about Elliot...

“Tell me about Elliot the over-user,” I ask when I’ve stopped giggling. Oh, I can feel myself relaxing for the first time since I was in line at the bar… before the phone call that started all this – when I was admiring Mr. Grey from afar. Happy uncomplicated days.

Kate blushes. Oh my… Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me. She gives me a dewy-eyed look. I’ve never seen her react this way to a man before. My jaw drops to the floor. Where’s Kate, what have you done with her?

ANY TIME SOMEONE BLUSHES THEY'RE COPYING ANA! BE WARNED EVERYONE! YOU MUST STOP BLUSHING FOREVER! I also HATE that Kate is getting treated like it's such a big deal that Kate is sooo happy and girlish with Elliot. I get that people get like this in new relationships, but it just makes me squirm. Kate continues to gush like a school girl and tells Ana that Elliot will help them move.

“That’s helpful of him,” I say appreciatively. I can get to know him too. Perhaps he can give me more insight into his strange, disturbing brother.

Hey remember at the start of this chapter where Grey was really specific about NOT wanting his brother to know what was going on with him and Ana? Because I do. Also, if you think he's DISTURBING WHY ARE YOU GOING TO DATE HIM AND ksfjghdskjlghafdkghwpriHPAISHGF. SDGKHsjgh. Hargelbargel.

“I understand. A couple of letters came for you, and José has been calling every hour on the hour. He sounded desperate.”

“I’ll call him,” I mutter evasively. If I tell Kate about José, she’ll have him for break­fast. I collect the letters from the dining table and open them.

JOSE FUCK OFF AND TAKE A HINT YOU CREEP! You SHOULD let Kate rip him a new one, Ana. He is not entitled to or deserve your protection.That said, if Kate doesn't know, why was she being evasive to Jose about what Ana was up to? Just trying to protect his feelings because he's in love with Ana?

“Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”

“For which publishing house?”

“For both of them!”

“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.”

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Oh, that's good. I needed a good cackle. Unless you're applying for grad school, your GPA don't count for shit. Employers don't CARE about your GPA and I know of people who won't hire someone simply because they put it on a resume. I've seen employers mock resumes that come in with it on them. 

Kate, of course, already has an internship set up at the Seattle Times. Her father knows someone, who knows someone.

GIVE ME A P! GIVE ME AN R! GIVE ME AN I! GIVE ME A V! GIVE ME ANOTHER I! GIVE ME AN L!  GIVE ME ANOTHER E! NOW A G AND E!! WHAT'S THAT SPELL? PRIVILEGE!!! YAAAY!

I have never left continental US. Kate is off to Barbados with her parents and her brother Ethan for two whole weeks. I’ll be Kateless in our new apartment. That will be weird. Ethan has been traveling the world since he graduated last year. I wonder briefly if I’ll see him before they go on vacation. He’s such a lovely guy.

Who will ALSO try to bone you like every male character in this book except for Elliot because he's too busy stuffing your BFFF. And then Jose calls. Oh, man. I'm just going to pre-emptively grab another drink now.

“Ana, you’re back!” José shouts his relief at me.

JOSE! YOU'RE STILL A CREEP!

“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk… and you… well. Ana – please forgive me.”

I was drunk, you were wearing a low cut shirt....

“Of course, I forgive you José. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.”

REALLY?!?!?!?! THAT'S IT?!?! NO, IT'S FINE THAT YOU WERE ABOUT TO RAPE ME, JUST DON'T DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU! SFKGNEKJGHKjlrghKDJFBKLSDGHKJHGkjdfh!!!

Jose however apparently feels entitled to Ana's forgiveness because rather than relief, we get this.

He sighs heavily, sadly.

“I know, Ana. I just thought, if I kissed you, it might change how you feel.”***

FORCING YOURSELF ON HER WOULD HAVE CHANGED HOW SHE FELT ABOUT YOU! SHE WOULD HAVE HATED YOU! Or she would if she wasn't an alien. :/

“José, I love you dearly, you mean so much to me. You’re like the brother I never had. That’s not going to change. You know that.” I hate to let him down, but it’s the truth.

And now Ana has to baby Jose's feelings. The fact that she's been through a lot, is shaken and jarred don't matter, no, it's all about making sure her would-be rapist isn't upset. IHATETHISBOOKSOMUCH. Jose then once again gets on Ana's case about “being with” Grey.

“Is it the money?”

“José! How dare you!” I shout, staggered by his audacity.

“Ana,” he whines and apologizes simultaneously. I cannot deal with his petty jealousy now. I know he’s hurt, but my plate is overflowing dealing with Christian Grey.

“Maybe we can have a coffee or something tomorrow. I’ll call you.” I am conciliatory. He is my friend, and I’m very fond of him. But right now, I don’t need this.

That's right. Jose has in the last few days tried to molest Ana, called over and over again despite her not wanting to talk to him, demanded forgiveness, forced her to baby HIS feelings, pried into her personal life, and accused her or being a gold digger! And Ana is still “fond” of him. I give up. I'm not going to start off trying to write any of these posts sober.

“What was that all about?” Katherine demands, her hands on her hips. I decide hon­esty is the policy. She’s looking more intractable than ever.

“He made a pass at me on Friday.”

“José? And Christian Grey? Ana, your pheromones must be working overtime. What was the stupid fool thinking?”

This is just confusing. Ana is terrified to tell Kate a lot of things because she pries for every little detail. This time however Kate just says “Oh he's a moron for trying to make a pass at you! I mean, he's BROWN! And you're PALE! He should know better!” and that's that. Kate banished Jose to the same level as hired help. Awesome.

The phone rings again. It’s Elliot. Kate winks at me and skips off to her bedroom like she’s fourteen. I know that she should be writing her Valedictorian speech, but it seems El­liot is more important. What is it about the Grey men? What is it that makes them totally distracting, all-consuming, and irresistible?

Black magic. We've been over this.

He’s such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure… no wonder he’s old before his time. My heart fills with sadness at the thought of what he must have been through. I’m too naïve to know exactly what, but the research should shed some light. But do I really want to know?

There's a good rule of thumb with writing called “Show, don't tell”. We already KNOW Ana is naive, and we all sort of figured out that ZOMG GREY WAS TOUCHED AS A KID is why he is the way he is. You don't need to beat us over the head with it! So Ana continues to waffle on if she wants to deal with Grey and his issues or not. That's actually a really fair question. Yes, she really likes him, but this is big, and she isn't sure she's up to dealing with it. There is NO SHAME in saying “Know what? Sorry, but I just don't think I can do this.” and Ana has every right to say no for any reason, but the narrative is giving us a good one. That said, she won't, because that would make this a very short book and I'm not that lucky.

Kate wanders back into the living room, grinning from ear to ear. Perhaps she’s in love – I gape at her. She’s never behaved like this.

AFTER ONE WEEKEND YOU THINK SHE'S IN LOVE BECAUSE SHE'S IN GIDDY NEW BOY MODE?!

I am weary from all our carnal exertions of the last day and from the complete and utter dilemma that I’m faced with.

THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE AND UTTER DILEMMA. The Joker having two bombs rigged up, one to your Mother, one to your Father, and you can only save one- THAT is a complete and utter dilemma. Deciding if you're going to date the rich, sexy, powerful, mysterious dude with a tragic past? Not so much.

Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope.

AND INSIDE IS JUST A BUNCH OF STICK FIGURE DRAWINGS OF PEOPLE FUCKING!!! Augh. And that FINALLY brings us to the end of this God forsaken chapter. It was a long one. I got my hopes up after the hilarity that was chapter 8 that it would be smooth sailing form here on out. I was wrong. I was so wrong. EL James is only going to start hitting harder.

Comments/thoughts/general encouragement/drink recipes are all encouraged as this book will destroy me at this rate and knowing that people are reading and enjoying this makes me want to do it more. Also don't be greedy, if you like this blog and this series, share it! The more the merrier! Till next week dear readers!

Also special thanks to my some-times proof reader Trevor. 

*This was originally credited to Satan, but the proofreader decided that Satan was far too reasonable and principled to work with Grey.  A sothothic horror was nominated instead.
**At this point, the proofreader got a second drink.
***At this point, the proofreader curled up in a ball and started making sounds only dogs can hear.