Chapter 11, in which we all get bored to death by EL James.

So I started trying to write this post already three sheets to the wind, but typing wasn't working out so well and I accidentally lost a few pages of work trying. So we're going to try and do this one sober. It's just starting off with paper work. It can't be THAT bad, right? Right? Right?! Oh God please tell me it can't be that bad.

So the legal document is, as we all suspected, trying really hard to look like a real contract. And is therefore boring as fuck. I don't know why anyone would want to ever READ a legal document when we all skim our own contracts, but what baffles me even more is why EL James would want to WRITE such a thing. The contract is still messed up, mind you. Like this part.

2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.

Right. To explore HER sensuality. Which you want to do without giving the girl a safe word when she's going in blind? THAT'S safe. I also want to know how he's planning to respect her when she's strung up to the ceiling hog tied with an apple in her mouth as he spanks her with a riding crop screaming “SQUEAL FOR ME PIG!”. You know, if that actually happens, this book might go from “scary bad” to “so bad it's amazing”.

If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice.

At first I read this and was all “Oh, that's actually not awful” but then I read closer. Basically it says Ana can't dump him without a reason. She can't just decide she's not into it. She can't say “This isn't okay” after the fact, either. She gets one chance to list all the things she won't do before she signs this, and then that's that. She's stuck with him until the contract expires unless he fucks up by his OWN standards.

Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. ... she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.

This just made my skin crawl. Serve and obey. In ALL things. Is he a sadist or a fundie? Also, “offer pleasure”. What the fuck does that even MEAN?

So the contract drones on, and on (the contract lasts 3 months and can then be re-negotiated) and uses the words like “ad hoc”. Until we hit something else that makes me want to just set the book on fire and call it a day. However I'm reading this digitally and am far too attached to Elwood (my laptop) to set HIM on fire, so... You win this round James.

The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.

That's right. Grey can dump Ana ANY TIME HE LIKES but Ana has to ASK PERMISSION to leave. Unless he breaks his own rules, but again, it seems to be him who get's to decide if it counts or not. THIS IS NOT BDSM THIS IS ABUSE!!! He is TRAPPING her!

The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and dis­cipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

Which means that yes. Grey CAN tell Ana to go make him a sandwich. I HATE YOU SO MUCH CHRISTIAN GREY! SO VERY MUCH! Also does this sound weirdly like a marriage vow? “To own and control. Through petulance and periods. Till death do you part? You may now flog the bride.”

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guid­ance in how to properly serve the Dominant.

He likes his sandwiches with the crust cut off.

The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submis­sive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

Locked up in her creepy chamber bedroom decorated however she likes in his apartment is a safe and stable environment, right?

The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Sub­missive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.

What? Corporal punishment?! Is he going to pistol whip her?! Also want to know what psychologists have proven is GREAT at helping people learn? Punishing them without telling them why! That is ENTIRELY a proven method of discipline and teaching. Doesn't cause neurosis and damage in people AT ALL.

In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the Submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.

Because then she'd have a case when she realizes how insane this is and takes him to court because he wouldn't let her dump him.

In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.

This is foreshadowing to the typical “couple were fighting and then one of them (heroin) gets sick so the hero can be soft and gentle to her to break up tension” scene, right?

The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant.

BECAUSE THE SUBMISSIVE IS THE PROPERTY OF THE DOMINANT!

Okay. We're through the parts of what The Dominant's duties are. Let's see what it says the Submissive should be doing, shall we?

The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.

Once the mandatory blood tests are done Grey's going bare back you guys! Still, though it pains me that Ana HAS go on the pill*, I'm glad to see birth control addressed. Often in these books women just magically don't get knocked up.

The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.

WHAT IF SHE SLEEP WANKS?! That's a thing!

The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do without hesitation or argument.

That's right. She can't stop and say “wait, how does this work?” as he pulls out a vuvuzela. She just has to assume what ever position seems most likely as he does so. I'm going to guess bending over for the vuvuzela myself. Thoughts?

The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint.

Grey has a bad day and takes it out on Ana. Ana is all “wait, I just got here, where is the cane coming from?” “JUST SHUT UP OR I'LL BEAT YOU HARDER!”

The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down and maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant.

WHAT?! Okay. Question answered for “sadist or fundie”. Fundie. She's expected to be modest, discrete, and obey the patriarchy. He will also pick out her clothes. Maybe an ankle length, ill fitting floral gown?

The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dom­inant and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Grey, or such other title as the Dominant may direct.

See above. This isn't sexy. This is weirdly frigid and prudish.

The Submissive will not touch the Dominant without his express permission to do so.

That's right. She can't touch him of her own volition. Sex with Grey is going to be really boring, isn't it?

WAIT! There ARE safe words! Oh thank God. There are two. “Yellow” which means “getting to be too much” and “red” which is “STOP STOP NOW HOLY FUCKING CRAP STOPSTOPSTOP”. Traffic lights are so sexy. Does she just scream “GREEN!” when she's into it?

And then this bull shit excuse of a chapter goes into MORE LEGAL BS. No, remember those rules from a few chapters ago? Like “You must sleep 8 hours a night and wear what I tell you to”?The chapter is actually reusing those. WE ALREADY READ THIS THERE IS NO REASON TO BE COPY-PASTING IT! James couldn't just have Ana say those were in there, too? "Oh, and those hard and soft limits from that fateful night are here, too..." We need to see them among a bunch of other REALLY FUCKING BORING pretend legal jargon.EL James just harvests people's suffering to fuel her Genesis machine, doesn't she?

Though then we get to Appendix 3. I just want to copy and paste the whole thing. It's a quiz. “Which of the following are and are not okay?” we knew these would come up. However I will give you guys a peek at the first section.

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

• Masturbation

• Fellatio

• Cunnilingus

• Vaginal intercourse

• Vaginal fisting

• Anal intercourse

• Anal fisting

Some of these I'm surprised aren't assumed. IE: Vaginal intercourse. Some of them I am delighted are on the table IE: Fisting. It then goes onto “How do you feel about pain on a scale of 1-5? How much do you want? How do you want it administered?” and I understand that this is supposed to trick Ana into thinking what she wants matters. However this quiz reads like a product survey. One that involves fisting. It is a strange mix of bizarre and hilarious and somehow still boring. NO ONE WANTS TO READ LEGAL JARGON LET ALONE PRETEND LEGAL JARGON JAMES! NO ONE TAKES CUSTOMER SURVEYS BECAUSE THEY ARE BORING!

Naturally, since now the reader has read THE WHOLE FUCKING THING Ana will narrate everything in it to us. EL James is such a compelling story teller. Her first reaction is almost reasonable.

My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily. Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief.

This gave me hope. Ana then goes onto say “Wait, marriage ceremonies use the word obey, right?” and gets derailed and wonders if he burns through women so fast because this only lasts three months. She keeps summarizing the contract for us, I guess EL James assumed her readers would get bored and start skimming so made sure Ana went over ALL OF IT after.

I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that?

Very. And creepy!

... but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes – captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets. I recall his burning smoky gaze and press my thighs together, squirming.

BE STRONG ANA! DON'T LET HIS BLACK MAGIC DISTRACT YOU WITH RAGING LADY-BONERS! Also sign that this is fanfiction – going on, and on, and on about eyes. One of my characters in my books has very distinctive eyes. If they are mentioned at all, I try to use one descriptor and Editor Number 1 has STILL been making fun of me for it. Ana realizes that she is far too tired to give this proper sane thought and goes to get ready for bed. Which is narrated in pain staking detail.

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

I really dislike this whole constant battle between her subconscious and inner goddess. I don't know about you, but if I had something I would call an inner goddess, she wouldn't be saying “LET'S DO THIS SO WE DON'T END UP A SAD SPINSTER LADY!” she'd be saying “WE ARE STRONG AND SMART AND SEXY AND AWESOME AND DO NOT NEED THIS BULL SHIT!” and then she and my subconscious would go start doing shots. They are telling me to do that now, and it's becoming a tempting idea.

Still, I want to pick that apart. Her subconscious is pointing out how insane this all is, meanwhile her inner goddess wants herself a piece of that ass. This isn't a sexual id want, which I could have understood, this is framed as a fear of dying alone. It's true, Ana has not been attracted to anyone else before ever. If I had never been attracted to someone before, I would be making a big deal about being into someone, but I also imagine I would have become very comfortable with my own company and if that person turned out to be a crazy, over bearing, controlling douche nozzel, I'd be okay enough with my bad self to just get out of there. I continually struggle to understand and relate to Ana. Considering Ana is supposed to be a reader insert character for women, and I am, last I checked, a woman, that is not good. Either James is doing it wrong, or I am.  

We then get Ana wondering “Am I submissive?” considering that you've made yourself Kate's bitch I'm going to say yes.

I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense gray eyes.

STOP WRITING DREAMS! THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE THEY ARE NOT DEEPENING THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OR OFFERING NEW INSIGHTS! We already KNEW Ana was all obsessive and frazzled and turned on. Being told through ANOTHER dream is not helping. Plus, this point, why not just write a really trippy sex scene and have Ana wake up confused and aroused as to... This.

So Ana is awoken by Kate the next morning because THERE IS A PACKAGE FOR HER AND SHE NEEDS TO SIGN AND IT'S BIG AND SEEMS INTERESTING COME ON ANA!

“It’s a MacBook Pro.”

“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.

“These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.”

Yes, of course it is a state-of-the-art computer that is more expensive and offers no real features that you would need for your GOOGLEING. Also, unless you're doing hard core image or sound editing, I don't think there's a reason to own a Mac. This is my own opinion and I know a lot of people love the crap out of them, but on a specs to price scale, they're just not worth it for generic use to me. So why is Grey getting her a Mac Book Pro rather then... Something really light weight, durable, and fast that's custom made so it would suit her needs better?

“Your new email address.”

I have an email address?

HOW ARE YOU 22, ATTENDING UNIVERSITY, AND APPLYING FOR JOBS WITHOUT AN EMAIL ADDRESS? WHAT KIND OF ROCK DID YOU LIVE UNDER ANA?! No, really, most universities have their OWN e-mail systems that you HAVE to use to get things like grades and updates and assignments and notes from your teachers. I get that Ana is supposed to be naive and innocent, but this isn't naive and innocent. This is impeded. This is a woman who has failed to grasp one of the most basic levels of technology that SURROUNDS HER. Ana later says that she's been using Kate's computer for 4 years, so, again, I wonder how she never had an e-mail address.

“This is next-generation tech.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Most women get flowers or maybe jewelry,” she says suggestively, trying to suppress a smile.

I scowl at her but can’t keep a straight face. We both burst into a fit of giggles, and computer man gapes at us, bemused.

OH LOOK AT US TWO SASSY YOUNG WOMEN IN THE CITY! AREN'T WE SO FUNNY?! No, if my room mate was sent a laptop after one night of banging I'd worried that she was accidentally prostituting herself. Also how does one "gape, bemused"?

Naturally there is an e-mail waiting for her from Grey. They banter back and forth via e-mail, and I use the term “banter” loosely. She keeps calling him “sir” and he's all “so you DID do the reading! Any questions?” and she's all “Not on e-mail. Now if you'll excuse me SOME OF US have to work!” says the student being bought clothes and salon appointments and shoes and computers that aren't even available in stores yet to the multi-gabillionair buying them for her. He then once again says “Laters, baby.” INCONSISTENT CHARACTERIZATIONS.

He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.

Really? A few flipping e-mails and being asked on a scale or 1-5 how much you want to get beaten up doesn't seem so bad? Kdfjgdslgknea.

So she's off to work and Jose calls and is all “we still hanging out?” and is given some flattering and warm descriptions.

“Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be an­gry with him anymore.

“All-hispanic-american smile”. I literally have no idea what that means. Also I've commented on James simply casting Jose as “brown” a lot, and this is not helping me think she isn't at least a little bit racist.

As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.

“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”

“José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”

He grins.

He grins because now he knows he can get away with trying to cram a hand down her pants she'll still be hanging off of his arm after a little grovelling. That's also all we see of Jose. That's it. The whole scene.

“HI ANA!”

“HEY JOSE IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU BEING YOU!”

“YES I AM DEFINITELY THE WARM NOT RAPIST MAN YOU KNOW! YOU'RE SURE WE'RE COOL?”

“YUP!”

“OKAY I'M GOING TO KEEP OPENLY LUSTING FOR YOU DESPITE YOUR REPEATEDLY SAYING YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF AND DIE YET!”
"OKAY I'LL SEND MIXED MESSAGES AND CLING TO YOU!"

And then Ana goes home excited to maybe get another e-mail. I can't totally fault her for this. When I was doing the dating thing still, getting e-mail from maybe new-boyfriends was always exciting. So again, we get them e-mailing back and forth with instant answers. I'm not a Mac user, but are the e-mails basically a chat client? You don't need to hit refresh to see a new one? Or is this just EL James not quite understanding how e-mail works, because if she did, she'd understand the implication that her two main characters are sitting there frantically hitting refresh.

So Ana hits Wikipedia (as Christian says that is where you ALWAYS START DUH! WHO STARTS WITH GOOGLE?! And we all know how reliable and honest Wikipedia is!**) and simply types in “submissive”. EL James thankfully in an uncharacteristic twist DOESN'T just copy and paste the article into this chapter.

I sit staring at the screen, and part of me, a very moist and integral part of me – that I’ve only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on. Oh my, some of this stuff is HOT. But is it for me? Holy shit… could I do this? I need space. I need to think.

STOP USING THE WORD MOIST GOD DAMN IT! And that brings us to the end of chapter 11. Ana, you are 22 (?) young and curious. Why not just ask Grey if you can cut the normal term down to half (or just have the clause be the Submissive can leave whenever she wants) the time since you're going in blind and just fucking go for it? Stop this wimpy winging and just grab the bull by the dick and fuck it already. The parts of this book where you're NOT fucking cause me physical pain. The sooner you get to all boneing all the time the better.

Honestly this might be the most boring chapter to date. Does EL James get off on paper work? Because that would explain a lot.

As always, comments/drink recipes are much appreciated, and if you know someone who you think would enjoy this blog then pretty please point them over here! Till Thursdays dear readers!

* What if Ana was one of the women who had an adverse reaction to the pill? Not every woman can use the pill.
** Though I also started with Wikipedia so I guess I can't judge too harshly.