Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Chapter 11, in which we all get bored to death by EL James.

So I started trying to write this post already three sheets to the wind, but typing wasn't working out so well and I accidentally lost a few pages of work trying. So we're going to try and do this one sober. It's just starting off with paper work. It can't be THAT bad, right? Right? Right?! Oh God please tell me it can't be that bad.

So the legal document is, as we all suspected, trying really hard to look like a real contract. And is therefore boring as fuck. I don't know why anyone would want to ever READ a legal document when we all skim our own contracts, but what baffles me even more is why EL James would want to WRITE such a thing. The contract is still messed up, mind you. Like this part.

2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.

Right. To explore HER sensuality. Which you want to do without giving the girl a safe word when she's going in blind? THAT'S safe. I also want to know how he's planning to respect her when she's strung up to the ceiling hog tied with an apple in her mouth as he spanks her with a riding crop screaming “SQUEAL FOR ME PIG!”. You know, if that actually happens, this book might go from “scary bad” to “so bad it's amazing”.

If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice.

At first I read this and was all “Oh, that's actually not awful” but then I read closer. Basically it says Ana can't dump him without a reason. She can't just decide she's not into it. She can't say “This isn't okay” after the fact, either. She gets one chance to list all the things she won't do before she signs this, and then that's that. She's stuck with him until the contract expires unless he fucks up by his OWN standards.

Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. ... she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.

This just made my skin crawl. Serve and obey. In ALL things. Is he a sadist or a fundie? Also, “offer pleasure”. What the fuck does that even MEAN?

So the contract drones on, and on (the contract lasts 3 months and can then be re-negotiated) and uses the words like “ad hoc”. Until we hit something else that makes me want to just set the book on fire and call it a day. However I'm reading this digitally and am far too attached to Elwood (my laptop) to set HIM on fire, so... You win this round James.

The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.

That's right. Grey can dump Ana ANY TIME HE LIKES but Ana has to ASK PERMISSION to leave. Unless he breaks his own rules, but again, it seems to be him who get's to decide if it counts or not. THIS IS NOT BDSM THIS IS ABUSE!!! He is TRAPPING her!

The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and dis­cipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

Which means that yes. Grey CAN tell Ana to go make him a sandwich. I HATE YOU SO MUCH CHRISTIAN GREY! SO VERY MUCH! Also does this sound weirdly like a marriage vow? “To own and control. Through petulance and periods. Till death do you part? You may now flog the bride.”

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guid­ance in how to properly serve the Dominant.

He likes his sandwiches with the crust cut off.

The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submis­sive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

Locked up in her creepy chamber bedroom decorated however she likes in his apartment is a safe and stable environment, right?

The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Sub­missive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.

What? Corporal punishment?! Is he going to pistol whip her?! Also want to know what psychologists have proven is GREAT at helping people learn? Punishing them without telling them why! That is ENTIRELY a proven method of discipline and teaching. Doesn't cause neurosis and damage in people AT ALL.

In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the Submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.

Because then she'd have a case when she realizes how insane this is and takes him to court because he wouldn't let her dump him.

In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.

This is foreshadowing to the typical “couple were fighting and then one of them (heroin) gets sick so the hero can be soft and gentle to her to break up tension” scene, right?

The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant.


Okay. We're through the parts of what The Dominant's duties are. Let's see what it says the Submissive should be doing, shall we?

The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.

Once the mandatory blood tests are done Grey's going bare back you guys! Still, though it pains me that Ana HAS go on the pill*, I'm glad to see birth control addressed. Often in these books women just magically don't get knocked up.

The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.

WHAT IF SHE SLEEP WANKS?! That's a thing!

The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do without hesitation or argument.

That's right. She can't stop and say “wait, how does this work?” as he pulls out a vuvuzela. She just has to assume what ever position seems most likely as he does so. I'm going to guess bending over for the vuvuzela myself. Thoughts?

The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint.

Grey has a bad day and takes it out on Ana. Ana is all “wait, I just got here, where is the cane coming from?” “JUST SHUT UP OR I'LL BEAT YOU HARDER!”

The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down and maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant.

WHAT?! Okay. Question answered for “sadist or fundie”. Fundie. She's expected to be modest, discrete, and obey the patriarchy. He will also pick out her clothes. Maybe an ankle length, ill fitting floral gown?

The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dom­inant and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Grey, or such other title as the Dominant may direct.

See above. This isn't sexy. This is weirdly frigid and prudish.

The Submissive will not touch the Dominant without his express permission to do so.

That's right. She can't touch him of her own volition. Sex with Grey is going to be really boring, isn't it?

WAIT! There ARE safe words! Oh thank God. There are two. “Yellow” which means “getting to be too much” and “red” which is “STOP STOP NOW HOLY FUCKING CRAP STOPSTOPSTOP”. Traffic lights are so sexy. Does she just scream “GREEN!” when she's into it?

And then this bull shit excuse of a chapter goes into MORE LEGAL BS. No, remember those rules from a few chapters ago? Like “You must sleep 8 hours a night and wear what I tell you to”?The chapter is actually reusing those. WE ALREADY READ THIS THERE IS NO REASON TO BE COPY-PASTING IT! James couldn't just have Ana say those were in there, too? "Oh, and those hard and soft limits from that fateful night are here, too..." We need to see them among a bunch of other REALLY FUCKING BORING pretend legal jargon.EL James just harvests people's suffering to fuel her Genesis machine, doesn't she?

Though then we get to Appendix 3. I just want to copy and paste the whole thing. It's a quiz. “Which of the following are and are not okay?” we knew these would come up. However I will give you guys a peek at the first section.

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?
Vaginal intercourse
Vaginal fisting
Anal intercourse
Anal fisting

Some of these I'm surprised aren't assumed. IE: Vaginal intercourse. Some of them I am delighted are on the table IE: Fisting. It then goes onto “How do you feel about pain on a scale of 1-5? How much do you want? How do you want it administered?” and I understand that this is supposed to trick Ana into thinking what she wants matters. However this quiz reads like a product survey. One that involves fisting. It is a strange mix of bizarre and hilarious and somehow still boring. NO ONE WANTS TO READ LEGAL JARGON LET ALONE PRETEND LEGAL JARGON JAMES! NO ONE TAKES CUSTOMER SURVEYS BECAUSE THEY ARE BORING!

Naturally, since now the reader has read THE WHOLE FUCKING THING Ana will narrate everything in it to us. EL James is such a compelling story teller. Her first reaction is almost reasonable.

My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily. Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief.

This gave me hope. Ana then goes onto say “Wait, marriage ceremonies use the word obey, right?” and gets derailed and wonders if he burns through women so fast because this only lasts three months. She keeps summarizing the contract for us, I guess EL James assumed her readers would get bored and start skimming so made sure Ana went over ALL OF IT after.

I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that?

Very. And creepy!

... but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes – captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets. I recall his burning smoky gaze and press my thighs together, squirming.

BE STRONG ANA! DON'T LET HIS BLACK MAGIC DISTRACT YOU WITH RAGING LADY-BONERS! Also sign that this is fanfiction – going on, and on, and on about eyes. One of my characters in my books has very distinctive eyes. If they are mentioned at all, I try to use one descriptor and Editor Number 1 has STILL been making fun of me for it. Ana realizes that she is far too tired to give this proper sane thought and goes to get ready for bed. Which is narrated in pain staking detail.

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

I really dislike this whole constant battle between her subconscious and inner goddess. I don't know about you, but if I had something I would call an inner goddess, she wouldn't be saying “LET'S DO THIS SO WE DON'T END UP A SAD SPINSTER LADY!” she'd be saying “WE ARE STRONG AND SMART AND SEXY AND AWESOME AND DO NOT NEED THIS BULL SHIT!” and then she and my subconscious would go start doing shots. They are telling me to do that now, and it's becoming a tempting idea.

Still, I want to pick that apart. Her subconscious is pointing out how insane this all is, meanwhile her inner goddess wants herself a piece of that ass. This isn't a sexual id want, which I could have understood, this is framed as a fear of dying alone. It's true, Ana has not been attracted to anyone else before ever. If I had never been attracted to someone before, I would be making a big deal about being into someone, but I also imagine I would have become very comfortable with my own company and if that person turned out to be a crazy, over bearing, controlling douche nozzel, I'd be okay enough with my bad self to just get out of there. I continually struggle to understand and relate to Ana. Considering Ana is supposed to be a reader insert character for women, and I am, last I checked, a woman, that is not good. Either James is doing it wrong, or I am.  

We then get Ana wondering “Am I submissive?” considering that you've made yourself Kate's bitch I'm going to say yes.

I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense gray eyes.

STOP WRITING DREAMS! THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE THEY ARE NOT DEEPENING THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OR OFFERING NEW INSIGHTS! We already KNEW Ana was all obsessive and frazzled and turned on. Being told through ANOTHER dream is not helping. Plus, this point, why not just write a really trippy sex scene and have Ana wake up confused and aroused as to... This.


It’s a MacBook Pro.”
Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.
These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.”

Yes, of course it is a state-of-the-art computer that is more expensive and offers no real features that you would need for your GOOGLEING. Also, unless you're doing hard core image or sound editing, I don't think there's a reason to own a Mac. This is my own opinion and I know a lot of people love the crap out of them, but on a specs to price scale, they're just not worth it for generic use to me. So why is Grey getting her a Mac Book Pro rather then... Something really light weight, durable, and fast that's custom made so it would suit her needs better?

Your new email address.
I have an email address?

HOW ARE YOU 22, ATTENDING UNIVERSITY, AND APPLYING FOR JOBS WITHOUT AN EMAIL ADDRESS? WHAT KIND OF ROCK DID YOU LIVE UNDER ANA?! No, really, most universities have their OWN e-mail systems that you HAVE to use to get things like grades and updates and assignments and notes from your teachers. I get that Ana is supposed to be naive and innocent, but this isn't naive and innocent. This is impeded. This is a woman who has failed to grasp one of the most basic levels of technology that SURROUNDS HER. Ana later says that she's been using Kate's computer for 4 years, so, again, I wonder how she never had an e-mail address.

This is next-generation tech.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Most women get flowers or maybe jewelry,” she says suggestively, trying to suppress a smile.
I scowl at her but can’t keep a straight face. We both burst into a fit of giggles, and computer man gapes at us, bemused.

OH LOOK AT US TWO SASSY YOUNG WOMEN IN THE CITY! AREN'T WE SO FUNNY?! No, if my room mate was sent a laptop after one night of banging I'd worried that she was accidentally prostituting herself. Also how does one "gape, bemused"?

Naturally there is an e-mail waiting for her from Grey. They banter back and forth via e-mail, and I use the term “banter” loosely. She keeps calling him “sir” and he's all “so you DID do the reading! Any questions?” and she's all “Not on e-mail. Now if you'll excuse me SOME OF US have to work!” says the student being bought clothes and salon appointments and shoes and computers that aren't even available in stores yet to the multi-gabillionair buying them for her. He then once again says “Laters, baby.” INCONSISTENT CHARACTERIZATIONS.

He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.

Really? A few flipping e-mails and being asked on a scale or 1-5 how much you want to get beaten up doesn't seem so bad? Kdfjgdslgknea.

So she's off to work and Jose calls and is all “we still hanging out?” and is given some flattering and warm descriptions.

Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be an­gry with him anymore.

All-hispanic-american smile”. I literally have no idea what that means. Also I've commented on James simply casting Jose as “brown” a lot, and this is not helping me think she isn't at least a little bit racist.

As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.
Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”
José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”
He grins.

He grins because now he knows he can get away with trying to cram a hand down her pants she'll still be hanging off of his arm after a little grovelling. That's also all we see of Jose. That's it. The whole scene.

And then Ana goes home excited to maybe get another e-mail. I can't totally fault her for this. When I was doing the dating thing still, getting e-mail from maybe new-boyfriends was always exciting. So again, we get them e-mailing back and forth with instant answers. I'm not a Mac user, but are the e-mails basically a chat client? You don't need to hit refresh to see a new one? Or is this just EL James not quite understanding how e-mail works, because if she did, she'd understand the implication that her two main characters are sitting there frantically hitting refresh.

So Ana hits Wikipedia (as Christian says that is where you ALWAYS START DUH! WHO STARTS WITH GOOGLE?! And we all know how reliable and honest Wikipedia is!**) and simply types in “submissive”. EL James thankfully in an uncharacteristic twist DOESN'T just copy and paste the article into this chapter.

I sit staring at the screen, and part of me, a very moist and integral part of me – that I’ve only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on. Oh my, some of this stuff is HOT. But is it for me? Holy shit… could I do this? I need space. I need to think.

STOP USING THE WORD MOIST GOD DAMN IT! And that brings us to the end of chapter 11. Ana, you are 22 (?) young and curious. Why not just ask Grey if you can cut the normal term down to half (or just have the clause be the Submissive can leave whenever she wants) the time since you're going in blind and just fucking go for it? Stop this wimpy winging and just grab the bull by the dick and fuck it already. The parts of this book where you're NOT fucking cause me physical pain. The sooner you get to all boneing all the time the better.

Honestly this might be the most boring chapter to date. Does EL James get off on paper work? Because that would explain a lot.

As always, comments/drink recipes are much appreciated, and if you know someone who you think would enjoy this blog then pretty please point them over here! Till Thursdays dear readers!

* What if Ana was one of the women who had an adverse reaction to the pill? Not every woman can use the pill.
** Though I also started with Wikipedia so I guess I can't judge too harshly. 


  1. Honestly, I think James, like Meyer, is drawing from her own experience when it comes to technology. Yeah, maybe, when James studied, you didn't need your own computer. BUT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE NOW.

    I'm 21. This book is set in 2011, when I turned 21, so I guess for the first time in my life, I can say that age/setting wise, I share the exact same experience as the main character. (Well, except I'm a student in the UK, but I guess that's closer to James's experience anyway.)

    And las you said, without a computer, you practically can't study. At the very least, you'd have to go to the library every day to check your account for any news and updates (and of course I have an email address with the university.) It seems to me that James thinks that university-wise, the ONLY thing you can use the computer for is writing essays, which is so far from the truth it hurts. Just a list of things I need a computer for other than essay writing:

    - submit course work
    - check my grades
    - check my time table
    - check my exam time table
    - sign up for workshops
    - sign up for tutorials
    - find out when and where they take place
    - get the lecture slides
    - do online practice exams
    - do online exams that actually count towards the grade
    - get information on how to prepare for the next tutorial
    - register for the next year
    - much more.

    Practically everything is done online and looked up online. And no, it is not just an option, you HAVE to do it that way. Hell, the very act of applying for a university is done entirely online.

    It would be one thing if Ana couldn't afford a computer, but that's not the case. And even if she couldn't, in that case, many universities still provide you with one.

    Of course, just because you're 21 in 2011 doesn't mean you have to be an internet addict. You don't have to have a facebook account or "be on the internet". You don't even have to have your "own" computer if you live with your parents. But not having one at all, as a reasonably well-off student? Bullshit.

    Sorry, but this just makes me extremely ragey.

    1. I thank you from the bottom of my frustrated beyond my wine bottle heart. Ana and her lack of computer bugged the ever lovin crap out of me. It showed how little EL James knows about anyone that age in this time. Let alone how little she knows about American 20 somethings.

  2. Googling "submissive" to find out what one particular person wants to do with you in (and out) of the bedroom makes no sense. Imagine if my roommate said "Hey, I'm thinking of getting an animal, do you mind?" so I wikipedia "Animal" and start thinking "Hmmm, multicellular sounds kinda cool." ASK THE PERSON WHAT THEY MEAN. Unless she's wikiing "masturbation" and is all "Oh man, I can do this MYSELF? I don't need Christian after all!" in which case, the book ends happily.

  3. I am loving your take on this. My book club read 50 Shades last month, and luckily we all spent the entire meeting making fun of it. I think the "I have an email address???" line is where I lost it into full-on rage mode. Thanks for going through this book with such wit and humor. I hope you're planning to do the entire trilogy because it definitely only gets better/worse (just wait 'til you get to Ana's "PEAS!" moment in Book 2).

    As for drinks--this is one that I make for parties, but I bet this project will get you through a full pitcher in a night by yourself. You'll have to think ahead, though, since you have to let it sit.

    Empty one can of frozen limeade concentrate into a pitcher. Add 2.5 cans of water and 1-1.5 cans of tequila (depending on how drunk you want to get / how much tequila you have). Hull and halve 8-10 strawberries and add to pitcher, along with 8-10 crushed basil leaves. Let sit at least 3 hours (and up to 24), until drink is a lovely pink color. Drink and enjoy (adding champagne to your glass adds lovely sparkle, flavor, and drunk)!


  4. I'm going to guess bending over for the vuvuzela myself.

    ...interesting image.

    Traffic lights are so sexy.

    I get the impression "yellow" and "red" are standard.

    deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets.

    It really says "dark" two words in a row? That's a pretty awkward phrasing.

    Editor Number 1 has STILL been making fun of me for it**

    The double-starred footnote confused me, until I saw

    And we all know how reliable and honest Wikipedia is!**

    I guess you deleted the making-fun-of-me footnote and forgot to remove the stars?

    Also how does one "gape, bemused"?

    Look bemused, only with an open mouth?

  5. If you like Japanese melon flavor, and can afford it, there's a liquor called Midori that would be highly appropriate for this book and series.

    Onward to the content! Where we find a contract that spells out in explicit detail why Christian Grey burns through women submissives at an alarming pace that should shout "Stay Away!" to anyone other than a completely sheltered newbie - that he is encouraging to Do The Research, we note, with a shiny new computer by the end of the chapter.

    From what I have heard, traffic light colors are pretty common safe words - they're easy to remember, even in the middle of a scene. And they're one or two syllables, which makes them easy to say. Assuming that Ana will ever be able to say anything in her submission.

    Similarly, the list of limits and likes its pretty standard, too, and the good ones are pretty comprehensive (by anecdote), which suggests that when Ana does do the research, she's going to get quite an education.

    That inner sex goddess is weird - Ana has been having great sex to this point, and now she's worried about being a spinster?

    And then there's the guy who would totally take advantage of her given another chance, whom Ana is now taking refuge in and making it seem like he's winning the Nice Guy Olympics. The Augh over all of this is almost too much to take sober.

  6. A description of his eyes: "captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets"

    I don't know how you kept reading the book after this line. I almost stopped reading this review in order to prevent myself from having to see anything like it again.

  7. I am back. I was super busy the last couple of weeks but I am now catching up. I will add to the rage about computers. I haven't been in college for over 5 years and even then, almost everyone had a computer and everyone definitely had an e-mail for all the reasons listed by the others. Also every e-mail service has a chat feature. If you are gonna give a character a Mac Book Pro, (which seriously why Anna since she seems like the least tech savvy person on planet earth)shouldn't they actually use it for something other than Wikipedia? I think James just googled expensive laptops and picked it.

    "Toothy all-Hispanic-American smile." WHAT.IS.THIS. E.L James, I realize you are British but for pete's sake no American college student talk like this. Ever.

  8. Sorry to be commenting so long after you post this, but you keep asking for insight from BDSM folk, so yeah.

    The whole yellow/red thing is very common. It's understood by everyone in the scene as the universal safe word, and in fact some people will say green if they're really enjoying something. (Sorry if this already got explained to you. =p)

    A couple of other points. Some people do have bdsm relationships like this, full time and with contracts and micro managing their lives. But no one with the least little bit of sanity or concern does it with someone so inexperienced, or with someone who has any misgivings.

    Also, the whole zip-ties, masking tape and r
    ope thing was ludicrous. Bondage with masking tape is downright dangerous. There is actual tape called bandage tape that is designed to be safe in the heat of the moment.

  9. Two thoughts, as my headache brought on by severe inconsistentencies - Dude, even Bella Googled. God damn it. This is giving EL James a lot of credit and savvy that is undeserving, but perhaps the Wikipedia placement was a marketing thing? I mean... there's truly no rational explanation that Christian, this Adonis world traveler,with brains and cash to
    match, would ever EVER recommend Wikipedia as a good source for information and knowledge, as it is the singularly most widely know as
    unreliable of sources in - well I want to say educated areas of the world... apparently however many millions of bitches that read this book obviously don't get as peeved as I do about such a blatant literary error IN A BOOK. SUPPOSEDLY WRITTEN BY MASTERS OF WORD-ERY AND PAGE BINDING. PEOPLE RECEIVED MONIES... LOTS OF MONIES FOR THESE COW PATTIES ON PAGES. BAHAHAHA.

  10. I have been education myself about BDSM, and while I am far, far from being an expert (I certainly have never practiced it), you have to look very carefully at the contract to notice where the line between 24/7 BDSM and abuse blurs. First of all you are right that he shouldn't spring such a thing on someone so inexperienced, but also the contract pretty much says that he gets to do whatever he wants and she has little to no rights, which I get is the point; but it's not sexy here. The Dom can punish the sub however e likes for WHATEVER REASON. Then there's this thing where he can like Erika said dump her without explaining himself, but if she wants to leave, it has to be because he did something wrong. From what I understand in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub can leave whenever. There are other examples, these are just the two that come to mind. And, yes, Erika, traffic lights-safeword system is very popular and universally recognized.

  11. okay this right here creeps me the fuck out: "when necessary
    ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the
    because all it takes is for him to say "if it's not broken or bleeding, suck it up and deal with it" and in this fantasy bizarro world where such a contract is in any way enforceable, he would be off the hook.

    Because those are the words my abuser used on me, when I was too young to fight back.

    Fuck you forever, EL James. Fuck you with a chainsaw.

  12. Also, traffic lights not being sexy is kind of the point. If you want to decide one on your own, non-sexy or silly safewords are often recommended, seeing as they're MEANT to break the mood. Sexy safewords just sound weird and confusing to me.

  13. alice in wonderlandOctober 24, 2013 at 6:04 PM

    i do not have an email=(

  14. I just found this blog and you are one of the funniest things I've come across in years!!!! I haven't read the book and saw a friend post about the movie so I went online to google so excerpts and found this tasty treasure. You are nothing short of amazing!!!! I've now gone back and read everything of yours from the beginning. Thank you so much for this!!!!

  15. ok this is the ONLY way to read this book

  16. Hi Erika, I'm loving your summary, it's funny as all-heck.
    However, just had to jump in and tell you where you're going wrong - and so repeatedly, you obviously think it's correct.

    "Then" and "than" are two different words - look up what both mean, please. You repeatedly use 'then' when you mean 'than'. It's a sign of illiteracy. I see it all the time in people who never read or write, and to someone who understands 1st grade english, it's very odd-looking.
    Second, you repeatedly write "as to" when you mean "as opposed to." Again, makes it hard to read.
    Apart from these, your review is totes 'on point'!