Chapter 14 in which WHY DOES THIS NOT END YET?

Hey remember at the end of last chapter how Ana was all “MAYBE I CAN CHANGE HIM?” which I mocked, but I realize that is essentially what Grey is doing to her..? I expected this chapter to make me want to kill all the things, but it's starting off super promising.

Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited, leather riding-crop. He’s wearing old, faded, ripped Levis and that’s all.

That is the first line of this chapter. James skips over Ana agonizing over will she/won't she and telling Grey straight to the established relationship and fucking.

And THIS is what we get. I know it doesn't say he's wearing a cowboy hat, but he totally is in my head.

I am naked and shackled, spread-eagled on a large four-poster bed.

The second sexiest position a woman can take. The sexiest is, naturally, “Making a sandwich”*

He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather.

“Suck,” he commands his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey.

God I hope he boiled that thing before using it on Ana as odds are he did that with the last girl and just – SANITATION!

He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release.

Proof that I would be a bad BDSM sub – I read that, recoiled, clutching my groin with a shout of “Aurguosg. Ow. No.” Also I totally missed the comma and read that as “Gloriously shouting my release” which made me think Ana was busting into some serious operatic moves.

Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm.

What EL James giveth EL James taketh. That skeeze weasel.

Ana wakes up befuddled and confused by her first wet-dream and solo-orgasm. We don't get to skip ahead. Booooooo. So Ana staggers out to the kitchen to face THE SPANISH INQUISITION! And by that I mean Kate who is, you know, showing an interest in her friend's life.

What can I say? His HIV status is clear, he’s heavily into role-play, wants me to obey his every command, he hurt someone he tied to his bedroom ceiling, and he wanted to fuck me in the private dining room. Would that be a good summary? I try desperately to remember something from my encounter with Christian that I can discuss with Kate.

“He doesn’t approve of Wanda.”

“Who does, Ana? That’s old news. Why are you being so coy? Give it up, girlfriend.”

Wanda is Ana's car, for those of you who can't be bothered to keep track of these things. I envy you guys. So, James, do you really think any 22 year old ever will sincerely utter the phrase “give it up girlfriend”? Perhaps if it were a sassy gay man trying really hard to be a stereotype, but these words feel alien coming out of Kate's mouth to me. Ana distracts Kate with the topic of, well, Kate, and offers to listen to her valedictorian speech. Kate, actually being a budgie, is quite happy to oblige and talk about herself.

If I tell him I want more, he may say no… and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don’t want to lose him.

How are you already this emotionally invested in him? No, really. I want a diagram and flip charts. That is what it will take for me to understand this character's motivation, and I'm reading her every thought. Ana keeps telling us she's afraid of loosing Grey, and how into him she is, but I really don't get how she got here, or why she got there so quickly. She's so into this dude she's afraid to speak up about her own needs because she's afraid they won't mesh with his, and she wants him to want her and I just- What? Ana, does it hurt having a back bone that magically comes and goes when it's convenient? This is also how NOT to have a healthy, happy relationship. Communication kids. I am a firm believer that if two people respect each other and can communicate honestly and fairly, they can work through about 98% of anything that might come their way.

So Kate reads her speech and Ana tries to listen but it's hard to hear through the haze of black magic that clings to her these days. Then cut ahead a little bit to Ray turning up to pick Ana up. Despite there having been a few scenes “with” Ray he's yet to actually say anything until this scene. If he is this uninteresting all the time I guess I understand James choice to not narrate his dialogue. Seriously, I'm trying to justify putting this scene up at all, but it's just “HI DAD!” “Hi kid.” “So we have some time to kill. Come in and tell me how people back in Monteseno are!” and then Ray grunts. Next scene is a little better.

“Good luck, Annie. You seem awfully nervous, do you have to do anything?”

Holy crap… why has Ray picked today to be so observant?

“No, Dad. It’s a big day.” And I’m going to see him.

“Yeah, my baby girl has gotten a degree. I’m proud of you, Annie.”

“Aw… thanks Ray.” Oh I love this man.

Ana, I get that it's sweet that you love your folks, but please stop bashing us over the head with it, it's getting weird. Also either Ana is an open book and has failed to realize this, or everyone in this fucking book is psychic. So Ana files in with all of the other students, feeling happy to be part of a big, matching mass. She doesn't seem to know anyone, or talk to anyone, or mind that she doesn't know anyone in her surroundings, which strikes me as strange. Shouldn't she have made friends with some of the other students? I get that you're seated alphabetically (although for my grad we were seated by faculty, and THEN last names, so all the bakers were together, then all the police kids, and so on) it still seems strange that she doesn't see anyone at all that she knows. Not even a wave to Charlie from Contemporary Post-Modern Literature? Instead Ana is flanked by two girls who she doesn't know, but who know each other.

“Must be Christian Grey.”

“Is he single?”

I bristle.

“I don’t think so,” I murmur.

“Oh.” Both girls look at me in surprise.

“I think he’s gay,” I mutter.

“What a shame,” one of the girls groans

Really, Ana? You're going to go around telling people he's gay? Also Grey has come on stage wearing A GREY SUIT! Oh my GOD you guys! I am so shocked at his fashion choices. Seriously, I am so bored of his wardrobe. Also, he's wearing “that” tie. The one he's tied Ana up with a few times now. She assumes he does it on purpose. Which he likely did. Or maybe that's the only one he owns?

Then they make eyes at each other for a second and Ana gets another boner before he goes back to looking properly bored, as is only right at a graduation proceeding. Then Ana is annoyed that Grey won't KEEP looking at her even though she was trying to hide from him a few minutes ago. Groan. Then it's time for Kate to give her speech.

She’s so composed and funny, the girls beside me erupt on cue at her first joke. Oh, Katherine Kavanagh, you can deliver a good line. I feel so proud of her at that moment, my errant thoughts of Christian are pushed to one side.

I like that Ana is capable of being so proud of her friend that she stops thinking about Grey for three seconds. We don't hear Kate's awesome, funny speech. It's theme is “What comes after college?” so I can't imagine it's too funny, or original, but it strikes me as odd that we get to real a 300 page legal document about fisting**, but don't get to hear the valedictorian speech.

“No” El James thought to herself as she sat at her desk made entirely out of human bones as she worked on this from her mac, “No one wants to read that. The fisting contract, written in fake legal language though, that shit if fascinating. People definitely want to read that.”

So Kate finishes her speech and Ana thinks about “What if I hadn't gone to the interview for Kate?” and thinks how Grey could be with literally every other woman in the room. Tragically not at once. Then it's Grey's turn to speak.

In fact, I think most of the female members of the audience inch closer and a few of the men.

That's right. Anyone attracted to men is trying to get a better look at dat ass. Grey is EVERYONE'S type. I don't know how. He's a GINGER!

 And soulless.

Naturally we are so going to hear every pretentious word out of Grey's mouth for this speech, aren't we? Yup. He starts talking about the environmental science department and how farming and fighting hunger are very personal problems to him.

I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry. This is a very personal journey for me… ”

My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap. Well, that ex­plains a great deal.

The Boy looked over at my screen and read that line. “Wait, is that real?”

“Yeah. Not like “I haven't eaten yet today” but “I am a poor starving orphan” hungry.”

“Taken out of context, that line is amazing!” He then burst into a dramatic speech as if he were Ana. “What? He's known hunger? But he's so perfect! I can never love a man who has known hunger pains from skipping lunch!”

I'm surprised Ana hasn't figured that one out on her own yet, though. I mean, come on woman. Ana then wracks her mind for details of her sort of boyfriend's life from the article Kate wrote. He was adopted at age 4. Would you even really remember that in a way to impact you as an adult at that age? I don't remember shit from when I was 4. This is an honest question, by the way, not me being a snarky jack ass. I can see it being traumatic enough to leave a mark, but... I dunno. 4 is awful young to be formative.

I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray-eyed toddler. Oh no. What kind of life did he have before the Greys got hold of him and rescued him?

He isn't a kitten, Ana. She is then so torn up over the thought of

poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian – though I’m sure he wouldn’t see himself this way and would repel any thoughts of sympa­thy or pity.

And then it's the end of the speech and Ana thinks about how much GOOD he is doing in the world all while chasing after her! So, bets on her telling him “yes” as she gets her diploma? No, he just asks her if her laptop is working. She's confused and says yes, and he's all “OH SO YOU'RE IGNORING MY EMAILS” and Ana is confused as she just saw the one. Which she tells him and then off she goes because, well, she's holding up the line. This is a grad ceremony. I'm a little sad she didn't just honk his junk before skipping away in front of everyone though. So the thing wraps up and as Ana waits to escape the herd Kate comes to summon her for Grey. She signals to Ray “five minutes” and goes.

“Thank you,” he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men’s locker room. He checks to see if it’s empty, and then he locks the door.

Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me.

“Why haven’t you emailed me? Or texted me back?” He glares.

BECAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN GUYS TREAT MY BFFF LIKE THE HIRED HELP! Seriously. There have been studies done saying that one thing that endears women to a guy is if he's nice to her friends/family. Treating Kate like a minion and being super rude to her should be pissing Ana off. Grey also thinks the world revolves around him. She's going to be there with family, doing... You know, grad shit. Pictures and dinner and toasts and speeches about how her whole life is in front of her. And you drag her off, lock her away alone with you, to demand why she hasn't e-mailed you in LESS THEN 24 HOURS?! Wow. If I were Ana I would spontaneously stop giving a crap and be all “I was, you know, doing grad/family stuff. Which had you stopped to think for seven seconds you would have figured out. Now fuck off.” and left. Sadly, Ana doesn't have a real backbone, just a plot device that looks like one on occasion.

So Ana derails him a little by talking about his speech and then Grey confesses that he was SO WORRIED is why he's upset she didn't respond, though he doesn't tell her why he didn't, you know, just call. Text, email, fine. But he's SUPER WORRIED because she was driving in a DEATH TRAP of a car! Not worried enough to call, but worried enough to freak out on her for not letting him know she's alive through passive often delayed forms of communication. He then demands an answer out of her and she's all “Dude, here with my Dad. Now is not a good time” and Grey then takes the hint and gracefully lets her leave. Just kidding! He gets pushy and asks to meet him!

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“No!” It’s my turn to sound exasperated. “Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship’. You’re not wear­ing running shoes.”

God I wish I had had an excuse to utter that phrase to my Dad***. I found out he used to mess with the first guy I dated seriously when I wasn't looking. Just, freak him out and stuff. My sister ratted him out years after I broke up with the guy. I felt a little bad for always getting mad at him when he said he expected my Dad to just answer the door in full safari gear and tell him to start running, it was hunting season. I can only imagine how this would have gone down with him. Epic mind games would have ensued.

Grey is just “Pfft tell him I'm your friend” and off we go. Everyone is staring at Ana because she was just abruptly dragged off to seclusion by Grey. So Ana goes to find her Dad and they go to get a drink, which means that Grey will pounce. Though Ana wanted him to say no so they could bounce, so I'm not sure why she wasn't all “Alright, let's go now” upon return. Is it so hard for people to just... Say what they want? I understand that with Grey that hasn't been working, but she has an out here with her own Dad who's very much “Today is your day what ever you want sweetykins.”

You look kinda dorky… my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spec­tacles. He’d be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes.

Wow. Ana, your subconscious is awful. I mean, I get most people have some less then kind internal monologs (I'm terrified people can read my mind sometimes.) but her's is unyielding in its awful. She also has unfortunate glasses for reasons I don't totally understand. Seriously, Ana, why do you have such deep rooted issues with your sexuality that your subconscious viciously slut-shames you and mocks you for wearing a grad gown?

So they get awful cheap fizzy wine and sip on it with everyone else until Kate's brother appears from the ether and bear hugs Ana. Why does EVERYONE Ana knows do this? He came back for his little sister's grad, he didn't want to miss her being valedictorian. Alright, a character doing something not awful and not trying to get laid out of it. So far, not hating him. Bets on how long this lasts? I'm giving it ten lines, tops.

Ethan has his arm around my waist when I look up into the frosty gray eyes of Chris­tian Grey. Kate is beside him.

Why is he still hanging off of Ana? Does Ana just have a great big “touch me” sign on her back? Also Grey is going to crap a brick over this later, isn't he? Kate then cock blocks her own brother.

“Hello, Ray,” Kate kisses Ray on both cheeks, making him blush. “Have you met Ana’s boyfriend? Christian Grey.”

Holy shit… Kate! Fuck! All the blood drains from my face.

Is Katherine Kavanagh French? Because that is a gesture that unless you're French makes you kind of a pretentious jerk. Half of my family is SUPER FRENCH and I only ever bust that one out when dealing with SUPER FRENCH people because everyone else is just kind of thrown and/or confused by it (Pro tip- left cheek first.). Kate, you're a bad sister. Then again, if my brother was hitting on my friends I'd be cock-blocking him, too. Partially because I like his current girlfriend more then I like him****.

Still, Kate is supposed to be a journalist, and a talented one. The text keeps trying to tell us how OBSERVANT and SMART she is! If she is these things, then what she's doing is just shitty. She knows Ana is flustered and stressed over how things may or may not be going with Grey, yet she's calling him her boyfriend in front of Ray. Something Ana likely wasn't ready to do, and she should have left for Ana to do either way because that shit is Not Cool.

“Mr. Grey,” Ray murmurs, his expression indecipherable except perhaps for the slight widening of his big brown eyes. They slide over my face with a when-were-you-going-to-give-me-this-news look.

Considering all of your conversations have apparently been so short and bland that EL James, the writer of the 2000 page fictional legal document can't be bothered to write them, I don't know when Ana could have told you, Ray. Though if she's all “HAY MEET MY BOYFRIEND DAD!” and his response is “Wait, what boyfriend?” that's fair, though Ana didn't initiate this. Grey and Kate did. Still, Ray isn't reacting unreasonably here.

Christian turns his arctic glare on Ethan, who still has one arm around me.

Is it wrong that I’m relived that Grey isn’t just glaring at Ray for daring to have a relationship with Ana and a penis? And then, oh God, we get this. 

“Ana, baby,” he murmurs, and I nearly expire at the endearment.
I walk out of Ethan’s grasp, while Christian smiles icily at him, and I take my place at his side. Kate grins at me. She knows exactly what she’s doing, the vixen!

GREY YOU ARE A MANIPULATIVE COCK HOLE! Stop using your black magic on her. He's toying with Ana's feelings to get her to bend to his will and to show how SHE IS HIS AND NO OTHER MAN MAY TOUCH HER!!!! Honestly, just carve your name on her forehead and call it a day. Also, I'm curious what Kate thinks she's doing. Making Grey jealous with her brother? Ethan could just be standing NEAR Ana and it would have the same effect. So, now that Ethan has been defeated/used as the narrative needed him to be, Kate drags him off, and we get awkward small talk time. Oh. Joy.

 So Ray asks the usual "How long have you known each other?" type questions and Ana gets a bit of an annoyed stink eye because Ray didn't know she was dating a dude of working for the student magazine (I thought it was a paper? CONTINUITY!) but then Grey is all "So I hear you like fishing." and then the two of them start to MAN BOND OVER MANLY THINGS so Ana sensing that this scene will hold not drama gets bored and wanders off to find Kate and her family because...? I'm not really sure why. To let Ethan make another pass at her? 

“Kate, how could you out me to Ray?” I hiss at the first opportunity we won’t be overheard.
“Because I knew you never would, and I want to help with Christian’s commitment issues.” Kate smiles at me sweetly.
I scowl. It’s me that won’t commit to him, silly!

Oh, that's what Kate thought she was doing. So, Ana, considering you refuse to tell Kate what's going on why are you surprised when she gets it wrong? I'm not saying Ana should HAVE to tell Kate everything, it's just her reactions that leave me a touch confused. Kate continues to not get it and tells Ana "He seems trés cool about it" so Kate is not French this chapter it seems. Okay. Kate then points out that Ray and Grey have just been... Staring at her, since she left. ... Alright, then. Weren't they getting along famously a paragraph ago?

“I’d better go rescue Ray or Christian. I don’t know which. You haven’t heard the last of this, Katherine Kavanagh!” I glare at her.

Please please please tell me everyone else read this with Ana shaking her fist a la Dr Claw*****

So as Ana comes back both men seems fine and then Ray skips off to the washroom to give Ana and Grey some time to angst/make eyes at each other. He also makes a comment about wishing he could read her mind which makes me think that this was still Twilight fan-fiction up to this point.

“You look lovely, Anastasia, this halter-neck dress suits you, and I get to stroke your back, feel your beautiful skin.”

So creepy. "Beautiful skin" makes me think he is going to skin her and wear it as a house coat. This book is making me want to write Erotic Horror. Is that a thing anyone ever would want to read? I can only think it would be SUPER messed up.

“You know it’s going to be good, don’t you, baby?” he whispers. I close my eyes as my insides uncoil and melt.

LAY OFF THE BLACK MAGIC DUDE! Ana's back-bone shaped plot device then makes another appearance. Yay?

“But I want more,” I whisper.
“More?” he looks down at me puzzled, his eyes darkening. I nod and swallow. Now he knows.

And he said he couldn't read her mind. Though he takes this to mean "hearts and flowers" not just "a relationship with an emotional bond" because ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE CLEARLY EITHER ALL ABOUT SEX OF SCHMOOPIE ROMANCE! It isn't like there are any poly-amorous couples who are still devoted and in love with each other. Or couples who would stare, confused, if either partner produced flowers or anything heart shaped. Or couples into BDSM who still DO the romance and cutesy stuff, too. Suddenly it feels that the whole room falls away and they're all alone! Then Grey's Dark Lord rises from the shadows and- No? They just keep talking? Boo.

“Anastasia.” His voice is soft. “It’s not something I know.”
“Me neither.”
He smiles slightly.
“You don’t know much,” he murmurs.
“You know all the wrong things.”
“Wrong? Not to me.” He shakes his head. He looks so sincere. “Try it,” he whispers. A challenge, daring me, and he cocks his head to one side and smiles his crooked, dazzling smile.

So much to unpack here. So much. Grey affirms that he isn't willing to be flexible and once again despite all of his talk about consent and her needs, ignores what she is saying she wants. Further research has shown me that in BDSM communities, communication at EVERY LEVEL is HUGE. "Can I touch you?" is a thing that is asked. Often. Grey is not only asking about what Ana wants, just telling her his wants and trying to fit her into them. I am not into BDSM, and have not (yet) found someone to sit down and hash out the finer points of it for me, but I have been doing my homework, so I don't think I'm talking out of my ass here. BDSM isn't just about whips and chains and flogging (Oh my!) it is about being safe, consensual, and communicating with their partner at every stage. Not only is EL James portrayal of it... Warped, it's harmful. Women are testing the waters of BDSM after reading her book (which is awesome! Sexual curiosity and exploration for all who want it!) but she's not selling them an accurate image of it. She's selling them something that undermines the very core beliefs of the community! Once again, if I AM getting this wrong and someone in the BDSM community wants to step up and correct me, please do. You can do it in the comments, or you can e-mail me. [/end rant]

So back to actual deconstruction. Ana is saying what she wants, Grey is saying he can't. He won't even try. Ana points out she isn't versed in either option, but she wants to try, and Grey, being the classy Mother fucker he is, tells her "She doesn't know much". How does Ana not just throw her drink in his face and storm off? Grey is, also, once again being told what Ana wants (a real relationship ON TOP of the bondage and sub stuff, not without it.) and ignores her request and instead pushes his own want. We saw him doing this last chapter when she wanted to leave and he "threatened to make her stay". This time, however... Sigh. 

I gasp, and I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“What?” I have his full, undivided attention. I swallow.
“Okay. I’ll try.”

And then before they can start fucking RIGHT THEN AND THERE Ray returns and Ana realizes that there ARE people in the room with them. 

I blink up at Ray, trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? My subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.

Man, her inner goddess is athletic. Grey then peaces out because Ray and Ana are going to go get food and Grey as "other plans".

“Likewise,” Ray responds. “Look after my baby girl.”
“Oh, I fully intend to, Mr. Steele.”
They shake hands. I feel sick.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE FEELING SICK! Anxious, embarrassed, flushed, stunned, I would accept all those. But sick? Ana, your body is trying to tell you that something is Seriously Wrong. You should be listening to those signals! Always listen to those signals. Ray then gives the usual "HE SEEMS LIKE A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD WHO WILL BRING HOME LARGE ANIMALS FOR YOU TO COOK ON COLD WINTER DAYS! I APPROVE!" and then lunch is skipped over entirely and Ray drops Ana off at home and is all "Call your Mom. Also love you and wouldn't have missed this for the world!" which makes him a better parent then her Mother. Ana then starts to bawl, again, and Ray assumes it's because it has been a big day and she's overwhelmed, which is a reasonable thought. Ana sends him off because EL James likes to frantically rush through scenes that don't have Grey in them, but again, I don't get why Ana is bawling here. It also brings me back to "YOUR BODY IS TRYING TO TELL YOU THINGS ANA! LISTEN TO IT!"

So Ana goes back in the apartment and plugs in her phone to see what the deal is. Grey apparently did try to call, but her phone was dead, but he still didn't try calling the house. Which Ana wonders about. So she checks her e-mail and Grey has sent her two e-mails and she wants to see him so she offers to go see him to talk. Grey insists on going to her because he doesn't trust her car. 

He's going to wreck the car, isn't he? Like, do something to keep it from starting up and just buy her a new one. With GPS and some device that will let him control where it goes. Maybe a magical self-driving car? So that way her silly little woman brain won't get flustered by driving! Which is super dangerous for wimmenz! Ana then goes about getting one thing ready. The books he sent her that have not been mentioned yet. She then scrawls a note on the brown bag she puts them in, which I would like to point out is in Bradely Hand fond, and is an image in the book, not text, so copy pasting is harder then it needs to be. It's a line from Tess, naturally. 

"I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - don't make it more than I can bear!"

Is this supposed to be Twilight of or Tess of the D'urbervilles? And that, finally, brings us to the end of chapter 14. Thank God. So, before I leave you till Sunday, I have a question for you, dear readers. At the end of Book 1 I was going to write "50 Shades of Grey condensed" which would be stripping 50 Shades of Grey to the length it needs to be. However I am now giving serious thought to writing 50 Shades of Grey as an erotic horror. Which would you rather see as the wrap up post? 

As always, comments make me feel warm and fuzzy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink. And it isn't even 2pm. I AM THE CLASSIEST OF BITCHES!

*For a feminist I make way too many sandwich jokes, don't I?

** “I think I need to add fisting to my dictionary in open office” “Do you? Isn't that like admitting the book has won?” “Nah. We both know how much I love to talk about fisting.” I don't know how I have friends.

***I am the worst daughter ever, by the way.

**** I am also the worst sister, ever, too. Though seriously, his girlfriend is awesome. 

***** Apparently he has a face now? Google images tells me he does. I am upset by this.