50 shades of Grey chapter 9, in which there is more banging.

I'm feeling better about these after last chapter. So much so that I'm at least starting this chapter off sober! Wish me luck! Also, again, sexing in this chapter, not totally SFW. I think that's just something that should be assumed from here on out, and they're still “training”.

So our chapter opens with Ana waking up next to Grey and gawking at his beauty for a few paragraphs before stealing his shirt and slipping off to pee. In her wanderings she gets lost in Grey's massive apartment because it's sooo big. I want to know why he's in an apartment and not a mansion on the outskirts of town or something, or if James has ever really been inside of condos. Yeah they can be massive, but how big is this freaking building?

Kate! Oh no. I didn’t think about her all evening. I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble.

If she couldn't be bothered to text you when you didn't come home when he was supposed to give you a lift, or to text you HERSELF to check in when she didn't hear from you, then I don't think she gets to put anyone in the corner.

Do I look different? I feel dif­ferent. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles - jeez it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. You don’t do any exercise in your life, my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.

I think I have enough in-text evidence to build a pretty solid case to the answer being “Oh hell yes” to that question. Also Ana has been described as super duper skinny, so the fact that we're having “she's super inactive” being thrown at us annoys me. Also, Ana, your subconscious is a judgmental bitch. Just gonna throw that out there. 

I am going to have to process all this. Honestly, fancy falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain waiting for me. I shudder. I’m bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual wayward self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me.

WE GET IT HE'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD! Less talking and more hilarious fucking! Ana then wanders off to find her phone. There are three texts from Kate! OH NO! No missed calls, mind you. The loaded Kate couldn't use any minutes on her phone to CALL Ana, just text.

*RU OK Ana*

*Where RU Ana*

*Damn it Ana*

Let's take a moment to revel in these. Kate is a journalist, who has been working as the editor on the school paper, and who's parents are loaded and spoil her rotten. I struggle to think that she doesn't have a phone with a touch screen keyboard, or just a qrty sliding keyboard on it. I also struggle to believe that any self respecting editor of any sort would ever type “RU” as to “are you” or even “r U”.

I call Kate. When she doesn’t answer, I leave her a groveling message to tell her I am alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard, well not in the sense she would be worried about – or perhaps I have.

Blue Beard, for those of you wondering, is the upbeat charming folk tale of a man who kept getting married and had a strange quirk. Whenever he left he asked his wife to carry an egg with her. This was so when she found the mutilated body of the previous wife she'd drop it and he'd know it was time to get to horribly murdering his new wife. IF YOU ARE COMPARING YOUR POTENTIAL NEW BOYFRIEND TO A FICTIONAL SERIAL KILLER YOU SHOULD BE THINKING HARDER! Ana admits that she's confused and muddled and overwhelmed – which is totally fair – before deciding that sorting out her thoughts and feelings aren't that important and then goes about searching for hair ties and making breakfast.

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pig­tails. Yes! The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

I think we've established that he likes you young and girly, Ana. So she dances around his HUGE FANCY kitchen as she makes breakfast rocking out to her iPod while he's still sleeping. She's thinking at the right level of not too deep (or so she tells us) but deep enough and getting bonery over the memory of the night before.

Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere and now… I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself. Why is he this way? Nature or Nurture? It’s so alien to anything I know.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE IN LOVE BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH SO DIFFERENT AND NEITHER REALLY FIT IN BUT IT'S OKAY THEY'LL UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!!! Also I mentioned being annoyed when authors song-drop to tie in feelings of the characters, and this is a very good example of it. It's just so... Well, fan-fiction-y. Also, Ana, you were a bookish shy girl, that's... Not really a misfit. That's... Being bookish and quiet. Being a misfit means you got taunted because you were unrelentingly yourself, even though that got you taunted and teased. You may have been invisible, but you got to fly under the radar. That girl no one really noticed, but you didn't have to worry about the jocks taunting you mercilessly and the Pretty Popular Mean girls picking on you for ANYTHING because your inability to conform freaked them right the hell out. *seeth* Grey turns up and taunts Ana a little for her dancing (fair but boring. The world needs more spontaneous dance parties.) and offers to put some music on so she can continue. She gets all blushy again. Ana, HE HAS BEEN INSIDE OF YOU. You can relax and calm down now.

He gently pulls my pigtail.

“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard…

Told you so. Also Blue Beard's whole character is he's a charming serial killer. Again, if THAT is the connection you're drawing, hard boil the egg and freaking book it. We then get some in depth “this happens and this happens and then more of this” for Ana and Grey cooking/setting the table for the cozy breakfast they're about to have. It's described in more detail then there is any good reason for and is incredibly tedious. I'm waiting for him to take the maple syrup and starts drizzling it on her body and ends up giving her a horrible yeast infection.

“No. I wondered if we should continue your basic training.”

“Oh.” I stare at him dumbfounded as I stop breathing and everything inside me clench­es tight. Ooh… that’s so nice. I suppress my groan.

I like it when I get lady boners, awww yeah. Also, again, basic training. I'm picturing this going down as “Okay, so, here's a penis. You touch it. And then, you touch it again. KEEP TOUCHING IT. Now lick it.”

“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”

And then, THE ORAL SEX!

“What is it with you and food?” I blurt. His brow knits.

“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.

BECAUSE HE HAS A DARK HISTORY OF BEING BUT A POOR STARVING CHILD WHICH IS WHY HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL TO BECOME A RICH BASTARD! He is HURT and ANGSTY. Which makes him dark and interesting, I guess? Kate calls and is all “SO ARE YOU OKAY WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT DID YOU BONE WAS HE GENTLE?” and Ana is realizing that she signed a NDA and CAN'T talk about it which she realizes will be a problem. Ana is all “So can I not talk AT ALL about the fucking? Because Kate is going to ask and I... Have questions. Yes, questions. That's it.” And Grey is all “Dude she's boning my brother I'd really rather she not know and no, he doesn't know about the “red room of pain” it's about PLEASURE damn it!”. Then they're off to take a bath! Not sure if I'm hoping he busts out a rubber duckey vibrator or not.

He pours some expensive looking bath oil into the water. It foams as the bath fills and smells of sweet sultry Jasmine.

Jasmine isn't something I'd off offhandedly refer to as particularly sweet OR sultry. Flowery, maybe?

He is just yummy. My subcon­scious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head. I take his hand, and he bids me to step into the bath while I am still wearing his shirt. I do as I’m told. I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to take him up on his outrageous offer… if!

That's right, her subconscious is swooning over his abs while he throws her in the tub, still in his shirt. Her subconscious who has openly berated her for jumping on his magical unicorn boner* is now swooning over abs. I think the only character I dislike more then Grey might be Ana's subconscious. Back to Grey heaving Ana over his shoulder and pile driving her into the tub still wearing his shirt, which is white and we've established she isn't wearing a bra, so... Yeah.

“I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?”

The real key to turning men on isn't head butting like Chip Zdarsky** told me?! I feel betrayed! Who knew. Lip biting. Got it.

“Anasta­sia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you.”

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND SPECIAL AND I AM GOING TO STICK ALL SORTS OF THINGS INSIDE YOU SO STOP BEING BASHFUL OKAY? Oh my GOD. EL James has the most awkward dirty talk fantasies EVER. I get it, we're supposed to be all "zomg he's sooo nice!" but honestly, he sounds stiff and awkward to me. It's probably for the best he's trying to coax her out of bashfulness now. There will be no time for it once he pulls out the egg beater.

I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked.

Yes, Ana, people are usually naked when they're in the bath.

He moves down my arms, then under them to my underarms washing gently. I’m so glad Kate insisted I shave.

Later on he's going to be smelling her armpits. Also, bets on orgasms this chapter? I'm going with 2 this time. Well, 2 for Ana. One from being fondled and then another from the oral sexing.

His hands glide across to my breasts, and I inhale sharply as his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners.

He actually pistol whips her left nipple before shooting it.

It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought.

I thought her subconscious had passed out from all the blood rushing to her genitals? I get what I refer to as “brain boners”. They are totally asexual in nature, it's just the best way I can describe how I feel when someone says or does something incredibly witty/clever/smart. It's an intellectual platonic attraction. I don't think you want him to be having brain boners right now Ana. Because if he did you wouldn't be getting molested in the bath, you'd both be sitting in a coffee shop, heads bowed together, conspiratorially whispering about what ever clever schemes you've got going. It's an awesome time, sure, I enjoy me some brain boners, but that isn't what you want and we both know it. You want him to bend you over the sinks and spank you with a loofah.

“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear and very gently grazes my earlobe with his teeth. “Feel it for me.”

And later smell this milk, smell it for me baby, and tell me if it's gone bad.

“Turn around. I need washing, too,” he murmurs.

Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.

Great! Now you're already halfway there! Just lower your mouth and-

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ana, this is Steve, Steve, this is Ana! I hope you'll both become very good friends! Also there goes that hope for Grey having a detachable penis.

It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips.

And soon it will grow so big that Steve will poke her in the eye. Seriously how massive is Grey's wang supposed to be?

He wants me to touch him. Hmm… okay, bring it on.

She then puts on war paint before grabbing the soap.

“Like this,” he whispers, and he moves his hand up and down with a firm grip round my fingers, and my fingers tighten around him. He closes his eyes again, and his breath hitches in his throat. When he opens them again, his gaze is scorching molten gray. “That’s right, baby.”

Step one: You touch it. Then you touch it some more. Didn't we go over this earlier?

Fuck my mouth… hmm. I remember him pushing his thumb in my mouth and asking me to suck, hard. His mouth drops open slightly as his breathing increases. I lean forward, while he has his eyes closed, and place my lips around him and tentatively suck, running my tongue over the tip.

Step two: Lick it. Also I earnestly hope in the movie they have a flash back mid-banging to the night before of him banging her. 

Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth.

Like a snickers bar!***

Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth.

Other places you can fuck him with – your there, your ass, your hands, your tits, and, if he's really talented, maybe a nostril?

He reaches up and grabs my pigtails and starts to really move.

Of course he does.

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

Other flavours include Jose, Elliot, and black dude with dreads from chapter 1!

My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

This is her thought mid-beej. Busting out some moves. This seems dangerous to me. If you start dancing mid-beej you run the risk of biting. No one wants to be chomped on.

“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you don’t want me to, stop now.”

Are you guys ready for Ana's first protein shot?!

He cries out and stills, and I can feel warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat. I swallow quickly. Ugh… I’m not sure about this. But one look at him, and he’s come apart in the bath because of me, and I don’t care. I sit back and watch him, a triumphant, gloating smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

Hey, first time she's gotten a guy off (not sexing), that's worth a little pride. Baby's first blow job!

“Have you done that before?”

“No.” And I can’t help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

Wait, so Ana has never had a guy “do” it for her before, but she's given a beej before? Huh?

“Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Orgasm! Another one!

You still haven't gotten one this chapter Ana, don't act so shocked.

My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly. His erection tamed, but still substantial…

Really? He's just about ready to go again THAT fast? Damn. Also has anyone ever ACTUALLY drooled because they were turned on? I mean sure people drool, and I'm sure they could be drooling AND be turned on, but I've yet to see a set of abs so glorious that it causes me to loose control of my saliva glands. 

He wraps me in the towel, pulls me into his arms, and kisses me hard, pushing his tongue into my mouth.

I would have pegged him as the type to want her to brush her teeth first.

“Say yes,” he whispers fervently.

I frown, not understanding.

“To what?”

“Yes to our arrangement. To being mine. Please, Ana,” he whispers, emphasizing the last word and my name, pleading.

Things that you usually don't discuss when dangling orgasm over your partners head – your future.

“Trust me?” he asks suddenly. I nod, wide-eyed with the sudden realization that I do trust him. What’s he going to do to me now?

COME ON EGG BEATER!!!

He steps away into his closet and comes back with a silver-grey silk woven tie.

Does the man own anything that is color? Honestly. Just a splash dude. How about red? Red is masculine, right? So he makes her put on the tie and pretend to be his Dad and say that she loves him and is proud of him and- Just kidding. He ties her up. 

He runs his fingers down my pigtails.

“You look so young with these,”

Again, TOLD YOU. Seriously though, she's... 21? I think? Looking young for her is looking not-legal. And he's into that.

“Keep your hands up here, don’t move them, understand?” His eyes burn into mine, and I’m breathless from their intensity. This is not a man I want to cross… ever.

“Answer me,” he demands, his voice soft.

“I won’t move my hands.” I’m breathless.

“Good girl,”

Please tell me I have a reader into BDSM who can tell me if this is as strange as I think it is. If you're going to tie her up, tie her up. Don't just bind her hands and go “now don't move!” when not tethering her to anything! That said, the whole purpose is teaching her to control herself so she'll be good at laying there and taking it for him. THAT IS NOT SEXY THAT IS BORING. 

“Don’t move your hands, or we just have to start all over again,” he scolds me mildly. Oh, he’s such a tease.

She moved her hands, her punishment for moving her hands will be more drawn out foreplay. Oh, the horrors. 

He glides his tongue up my instep – and I can no longer watch him. It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust.

I would pay so much to read that autopsy report. “Cause of death – sexy explosion”.

And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there! I know it. And part of me is glorying in the anticipation. He turns to my other knee and kisses his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently. I writhe… oh my.

It's no longer “there” now it's her sex. Though I would have guessed that was female. I think I wouldn't pass Grey's sex training. Largely from the uncontrollable peals of laughter.

“Tit for tat is not my usual style, Miss Steele,” he whispers as he gently blows up and down me. “But you’ve pleased me today, and you should be rewarded.”

“Usually I'll just leave you blue-balled with a vibrator to take care of yourself once I'm done.”

I’m losing all sense of self, every atom of my being concentrating hard on that small, potent powerhouse at the apex of my thighs.

She is under going physical changes through sexy times with Grey. He is actually training her to be his apprentice in his dark arts to his Lord Satan.

It is too much… My body begs for relief, and I can no longer deny it. I let go, losing all cogent thought as my orgasm seizes me, wringing my insides again and again. Holy fuck. I cry out, and the world dips and disappears from view as the force of my climax renders everything null and void.

ORGASM NUMBER ONE! Also how is the world “dipping” when you're on your back? Grey grabs a condom and then starts banging her pretty much the second she climaxes. Didn't he say he wasn't going to do that today because he made her too sore?

“Come for me, baby.” His voice is harsh, hard, raw at my ear, and I explode around him as he pounds rapidly into me.

ORGASM NUMBER TWO! Also if she's sore and chafed, even if she's enjoying this now, ow. This is going to hurt tomorrow.

I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh… what to do?

If you DO take it further he'll teach you how to summon your own fire sprites!

“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.”

“Like Canada!”.

Before Ana can answer him with “YES TEACH ME THE WAYS OF YOUR DARK LORD SATAN!” there are VOICES outside!

“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.”

“Mrs. Grey, please.”

“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.”

“Mrs. Grey, he’s not alone.”

“What do you mean he’s not alone?”

“He has someone with him.”

“ Oh… ” Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

“Shit! It’s my mother.”

OH NO BUSTED! Wait, you're nearly 30. Mamas boy? Mama's boy. Normally I would expect her to hate Ana because she's defiling her baby boy and because drama, but this is Twilight fan-fiction. Which means the Mother is sweet and gentle and wonderful and perfect so she will naturally see the good in Ana from the second she lays eyes on her like any good Mother does! That brings us to the end of this chapter! Stay tuned for professions of love and whips and chains! Also I feel I should be keeping track of how many of these chapters end with Grey swearing, as it's almost a theme now. 

As always, comments and spreading this blog around are much loved as knowing this is getting read and enjoyed makes the suffering through this awful awful book worth it. Till next week!

*Credit to Pope_Suburban for the phrase 
 ** NSFW ish 
*** Sorry if I just ruined snickers for you.