Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Chapter 13 in which I can't get over how bad a writer EL James is

So I decided to try and take a different approach this chapter. Rather then going in drunk, I'm going in hung over with a squishy brain. I figure this puts me closer into EL James' intended audience, and maybe I'll get it this time. I doubt it, but hey, worth a shot, right?

I’m restless, nervous about my showdown with Mr. Control Freak tomorrow, and at the back of my mind, I’m worried that perhaps I’ve been too negative in my response to the contract. Perhaps he’ll call the whole thing off.

WHAT IF HE DOESN'T WANT ME STILL?! HE WON'T THINK I'M ONE OF THE COOL KIDS UNLESS I SHOW NO WILL OR PERSONALITY OF MY OWN!! Seriously, I don't get how Ana can be so into Grey that she WEEPS over the thought of not seeing him for a day/he might not want a long term serious relationship, and feel so... Uncomfortable, around him. I get that early dating comes with butterflies and nervousness, but this isn't giddy butterflies. These are angry, mean butterflies. They bite. Which is impressive as butterflies don't even have teeth.

We then get a promised call to Ana's Mother. I'm sure this will drive me to start crafting a #1 Mom coffee mug for my Mother after reading it.

My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling all over the place.

So, her Mother is going to miss her ONLY daughters university graduation because her husband twisted his leg and is hobbling. They are in the same country. Does Ana's Mom, or Bob, not have any other friends of family capable of stepping in for a few days? Alright, then.

So Ana's Mother is whining about how “OH I'M SO SORRY SWEETY!”. She makes no offer to make it up to her, or to come and visit after, when her husband is healed up. Just gushed guilt ridden apologies. Ana, once again, is being forced to deal with other people's emotions over her own and doesn't seem bothered by it.

Ana honey, I’m so sorry,” my mom whines down the phone.
Mom, it’s fine. Ray will be there.”
Ana, you sound distracted – are you okay, baby?”

Things I would expect my imaginary spawn to be distracted over if I had told someone else to call them to tell them I couldn't make their grad days ahead of time:
Why the hell I hadn't called them myself to tell them about step-dad.
If their Step-Father really was okay.
If I REALLY needed to miss their grad.
Being upset about missing their grad.
Being worried about their step-Father.
Being worried about me.

Ana's Mother, like Ana, has very different sort of thought process then I do.

Have you met someone?”

That's right. Ana's Mother is more preoccupied with her daughter's love life then missing a huge mile-stone in her life. Ana doesn't tell her anything about it, mind you. Which is nice because I don't want to listen to Ana whine, but sad as since this conversation isn't about Grey, it lasts like... A paragraph. As any scene that isn't about him does.

Well, darling, I’ll be thinking of you on Thursday. I love you… you know that hon­ey?”
I close my eyes, her precious words give me a warm glow inside.
Love you too, Mom. Say hi to Bob, and I hope he gets better fast.”

I'm putting this here because it shows Ana being actually a good daughter. She's not peeved at her Mother, and despite having described her as flighty earlier trusts her enough to not try and push “Are you really sure you can't make it?” and she honestly appreciates her Mother telling her she loves her. I suspect this is how EL James hopes her own spawn will feel when she's a teenager/young adult* but I'm going to ignore that because it's sweet and I want to concentrate on Ana being sweet and decent for a change.

So Ana wraps up the conversation with her Mother, though she deliberately avoids telling her about Grey at all, and then wanders to her bedroom to check her e-mail because there has been like a page and a half without her thinking about NOTHING EXCEPT HER NEW MASTER so let's get back to her being a useless skin sack, shall we? He has sent her an email this morning, or very late last night, about the issues she sent him at the end of last chapter. His response, being the classiest Mother Fucker known to life. I mean, the thing is titled “Your Issues”!

Dear Miss Steele
Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive.
submissive [suhb-mis-iv] – adjective1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.
Origin: 1580–90; submiss + -ive
Synonyms: 1. tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2. passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued. Antonyms: 1. rebellious, disobedient.
Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday.

So Ana basically says “These are the things I have concerns about” and Grey shoots back the dictionary definition of submissive....

God damn it I really didn't want to drink today. Excuse me a moment.

Right. Two pages in, when I'm hung over. Awesome. So, Grey, rather then respond to her concerns and questions like a real person, basically just says “YOU'RE NOT ADHERING TO THE SPIRIT OF MY OFFER!! DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS OR NOT?!?!” and I just want to punch him in the throat. Just once. Honest. I mean, just once real hard, but just once.

Ana, rather then being annoyed at him for being a massive douche canoe, is simply relived that at least he's open to discussion and not just dumping her because she isn't just giving him what he wants! I just hate everyone in this book. I am starting to understand homicide the more I read. Ana, he isn't open to real discussion, and he is trying to pressure you into something you're not sure about. Just, why? WHY?

So Ana starts to write back an e-mail with the subject line “My Issues... What about Your Issues?”. I even hate the subject line of these e-mails. How long until he just has a camera installed in her apartment so he can watch her all of the time?

Please note the date of origin: 1580-90. I would respectfully remind Sir that the year is 2011. We have come a long way since then.


He pretends not to and is all “Okay point taken” and then there's more inane power struggle between the two over if he'll pick her up or not. He wants to, she wants to drive. She wins this round. EL James also continues to show how e-mail DOESN'T WORK. She also tries to shove more clever email subject lines that I honestly haven't processed yet as this is what I do when I see an already open e-mail. I only notice the subject before I open it. You can give me the whole thing nice and neatly processed if you like, but I really won't catch it.

So after that Ana calls her step-Dad and EL James can't even be shittered to write the dialogue. We're just told the conversation is short. Then we get Ana once again not being a terrible person.

My heart swells talking to Ray, and a huge lump knots in my throat. He has been my constant through all mom’s romantic ups and downs. We have a special bond that I treasure. Even though he’s my stepdad, he’s always treated me as his own, and I can’t wait to see him. It’s been too long. His quiet fortitude is what I need now, what I miss.

See? Sweet when it comes to her parents. “He might not be my real Dad but fuck you he is too my real Dad.” Then Ana and Kate pack up the apartment and because Grey isn't on page, like the conversation with her Father, the whole thing is glossed over. Man, I wish I could montage packing for a move.

The next day we're dropping into work with Ana at Claytons. Which means more Paul.

He follows me round the store all day asking me for a date. It’s an­noying.

Ana, repeat after me. “You need to stop. I'm not interested and you're making me feel uncomfortable” if you really want to drive the point home add “and unsafe” at the end. He'll freak out about how he was “just being friendly” and call you an uptight bitch. That's fine, as he'll likely be so offended that you implied he made you feel unsafe that he'll just never talk to you again. Win/win! Ana must also have a friend at work who she could ask to help act as a buffer, right? However Ana is not a mature, responsible adult, so she instead goes another route.

Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.”

If you have to tell him a hundred times, you need a new tactic of HOW to tell him.

No, you don’t, you’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me.”
Yes… you’d think you’d take the hint.
Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss’s brother.”
You’re finishing here on Friday. You’re not working tomorrow.”
And I’ll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you’ll be in New York soon. We couldn’t get much further apart if we tried. Besides, I do have a date this evening.”

Ana, he isn't trying to get into a relationship with you, he wants to take you out so he can get you drunk and stick it in an orifice of his choosing. Also wow. Look at how classy and respectful he is. Show of hands, if you asked someone out, and they said “I have a date tonight” would your response be “Oh, okay.” or to accuse them of lying about it? If a guy who asked me out said “You don't really have a date tonight” I'd likely say “No. I have no plans what so ever. I'm going to be sitting at home, alone, and that seems like an infinitely better way to spend my time then out with you, but I was trying to be nice. Now piss off.” You can be nice without being a push-over, and there is a point where you need to stop being nice and start being a bitch sometimes. Ana, this is one of those times.

Ana continues to be passive and not just walk away with both middle fingers in the air screaming “NOT WORTH THIS SHIT!” as she leaves Claytons forever, and instead has to endure Paul being all “Yeah well who ya even going out with? The BROWN guy?” when she tells him “NO! Christian Grey!” he sulks off looking all shocked, and Ana is kind of bitter that he's so shocked that she's going out with Grey. I get that the narrative is trying to further point out what a HUGE deal Grey is, but I actually like Ana's bitterness to Paul's shock then anything else. It shows she might have SOME self confidence. Somewhere. Maybe?

So back home to get ready for her date, because the whole point of the scene was to have Paul hit on Ana. So far this whole chapter is super unnecessary. I get that we're supposed to realize that there are people in Ana's life besides Grey, but the way James handles it is... Well, sad. They're filler. Something to attempt to pace the novel, and clumsy, ham handed attempts to establish things. Anyways, Kate lends her a sexy little plum sheath number for her night out (which has matching stilettos, naturally) and showers, shaves, applies make-up, and spends a whole HALF HOUR getting her hair to do a nice wavy thing. The passage reads as incredibly fan-fictiony, and it kind of hurts. Did I really need to be told she shaved her armpits? The target audience here are women, let's be frank. I am a woman. I have worn sleeveless sexy little dresses before. I would have assumed that Ana shaved had I not been told. Now I'm left with the less then sexy thought of Ana shaving her pits.

Boy, you scrub up well, Ana.” She nods with approval. “You look hot.”
Hot! I’m aiming for demure and business-like.”
That too, but most of all, hot. The dress really suits you and your coloring. The way it clings.” She smirks.
Kate!” I scold.
Just keeping it real, Ana. The whole package – looks good. Keep the dress. You’ll have him eating out of your hand.”

MEN ARE ALL SLAVES TO THEIR BONERS! Also, “Just keeping it real”... Does anyone else think this passage Kate's dialogue doesn't sound right for her? I also wanted to call Kate out for being all “Just keep the dress darling” but then I realized that I've done that more then once so I'll just shut up on that one...

Wish me luck.”
You need luck for a date?” Her brow furrows, puzzled.
Yes, Kate.”
Well then – good luck.” She hugs me, and I am out the front door.

I kind of love how Kate is such a brazened man-eater that she's more confused at the thought of needing luck then anything else. Though that doesn't mesh with her ugly pink break up Pjs. If she's a man-eater, she isn't going to be getting that attached, and if she does the whole “serious relationship” thing then she's going to have formed an emotional bond with a man at some point in his life and realized that men are capable of having thoughts that aren't “HURR DURR BOOBS ARE GOOD.” Though don't get me wrong, boobs are good. She just views men in such a way that it doesn't mesh with me. Or is Kate one of those girls who subscribes to hard core female/male roles? Oh, God, I think I might hate her more now.

Taking a deep breath and mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.

Mentally girding her loins. That's happening, folks. Then in we go for her to meet Mr. Grey at the bar! He is waiting, drinking white wine** being all sexy by the bar.

Making a supreme effort not to bite my lip, I move forward aware that I, Anastasia Steele of Clumsyville, am in high stilettos.

Ana, do you not own a pair of low black pumps that would have also worked with the dress and not put you in danger? I don't wear stilettos. Why? Because while I have learned how, I don't feel comfortable, or frankly safe, doing so. I am a huge klutz, and when I'm busting out the heels, it's usually because I want to feel cute and sexy. Taking strange shuffling steps to avoid falling on my face I can't imagine is either of these things. Did neither you nor Kate own wedges or anything else? Moving on. Grey is all “Dayum bitch you look fiiiine!!” and they sit and he asks her what she'd like to drink. To play nice she says “Oh what ever you're having” and then pats herself on the back for playing nice. Urrggghh. Ana then launches straight into things and points out the contract isn't legally enforceable. She asks if he was planning to tell her this.

You’d think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?”

She does, actually, which makes the fact that she is there right now TERRIFYING. Also he admits he's coercing her into it, which means despite all of his talk about consent and respecting her wants, he doesn't give a shit. Also classy on the gas-lighting her here. He hands her this huge contract with all sorts of legal jargon and makes her sign an NDA before hand to make it that much more intimidating. Then he goes on to say "Well DUH! What are you, some sort of moron? You didn't just ASSUME?"

You don’t think very highly of me at all, do you?”

I really don't, Grey. I really, really don't. Grey goes onto say that is doesn't MATTER if it's legal or not, the whole thing is about EXPECTATIONS. THEN WHY ALL THIS FUCKING LEGAL JARGON DUDE?! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Can't just have a list of do's and don'ts and leave it at that? No, you needed to hire a lawyer to draft this shit up. I hope that lawyer charged you out the ass to do it.

I take a long draft of my wine. My subconscious taps me hard on the shoulder. You must keep your wits about you. Don’t drink too much.


Relationships like this are built on honesty and trust,” he continues. “If you don’t trust me – trust me to know how I’m affecting you, how far I can go with you, how far I can take you – if you can’t be honest with me, then we really can’t do this.”

On one hand, this is all fair. On the other hand, you can't expect someone to trust you from day one. He however basically gives that to Ana as an ultimatum. “Do you trust me? Y/N” she then derails the conversation to figure out if he's had this talk with ALL the girls. ... Ana, priorities. You need them.

I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.”
He smiles sardonically.
Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.
My eyes widen, and I swallow again.
I hope so.”

No, Miss Steele. I own this hotel, and everyone inside of it. I could take you right here, and you could kick and scream as much as you like, but no one would stop me.” and he then brings her to a private dining room taunting her from thinking she'd be in a public place with him as he is far too wealthy and fancy to dine with such plebs. GREY HOW DO WOMEN FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE? Honestly, he'd be wearing my wine if he tried to pull this shit on me.

Grey then pulls out her e-mail, which he printed, rather then bringing up on his blackberry which would have access to his e-mail, and starts to go through the points one at a time.

My sexual health. Well, all of my previous partners have had blood tests, and I have regular tests every six months for all the health risks you mention. All my recent tests are clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I’m vehemently anti-drugs. I have a strict no-tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all my employees, and I insist on random drug testing.”

I can't imagine he has to insist too hard. He is the boss. He tells her, again, she is free to go at any time (Though, again, if that's the case, WHY was that in the contract? To scare her into thinking she couldn't leave?) and he adds on an ominous “but if you leave then that's it.” Really? Because when she accidentally tried to do that you turned up at her home and fucked her senseless. Then the first course arrives. Oysters. Oh, God. Really? Really EL James? You're this obvious? Oysters?! So Ana is all “BUT I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE HOW DO I EAT IT?!” and Grey explains “You just tip it back and swallow. Like after a beej”. So she has one and is all “okay. That didn't suck.” and on they go. I find the thought of eating an oyster totally unappealing, EL James is not changing that.

Did you choose these deliberately? Aren’t they known for their aphrodisiac quali­ties?”

NO I DON'T NEED VIAGRA IF YOU KEEP WEARING DRESSES LIKE THAT!” They then keep talking about the contract and her concerns and once again are talking like God damn aliens.

Obey me in all things. Yes, I want you to do that. I need you to do that. Think of it as role-play Anastasia.”
But I’m worried you’ll hurt me.”
Hurt you how?”
Physically.” And emotionally.
Do you really think I would do that?

DUDE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT WAS ON YOUR LIST!! Ana points out that he hurt someone before. I have no idea where this came up previously as I don't recall it at all.

I suspended them from my playroom ceiling. In fact, that’s one of your questions. Suspension – that’s what the karabiners are for in the playroom. Rope play. One of the ropes was tied too tightly.”

And rope play then goes onto the hard limits. Awwww. I wanted Ana to get strung up to the ceiling!

So obeying, do you think you can manage that?”
He stares at me, his gray eyes intense. The seconds tick by.
I could try,” I whisper.

He then goes on to be all “A MONTH ISN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR A TRIAL PERIOD! MAKE IT THREE!” and she takes another sip of wine and downs another oyster.

... And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, any time, any way, I want – anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me. But I know you’ve not done this before. Initially, we’ll take it slowly, and I will help you. We’ll build up to various scenarios. I want you to trust me, but I know I have to earn your trust, and I will. The “or otherwise” – again it’s to help you get into the mindset, it means anything goes.”

The more Grey tries to justify that he isn't creepy and overbearing, the more I think he is. It's like when someone says “No, no, it's not racist because...”. How are women everywhere swooning over this shit?

Discipline. There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain Anastasia. They are two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other. I can show you how plea­surable pain can be. You don’t believe me now, but this is what I mean about trust. There will be pain, but nothing that you can’t handle. Again, it comes down to trust. Do you trust me, Ana?”

I have not been more turned off then I am when I read Grey's dialogue. Does anyone find this shit sexy or am I just too cranky and hung over to see the sexiness here? Because he sounds that like creepy guy at a party who tries to impress you by talking about how TOUGH he is and how he “embraces the pain”

And you're like "That's nice? Who are you?"

He then thinks you're being coy about not knowing who he is.

Then you're done with his nonsense and are all, “Dude, who even invited you? I know these people and have not seen you before. If I had, I probably wouldn't have come. Please go away now.”

Then he's all “Hey you've got long nails. I bet they would feel good across my back...”

I'm walking away now as I'm not entirely convinced you speak English.”

Ana apparently isn't as creeped out as I am, tragically.

Yes, I do.” I respond spontaneously, not thinking… because it’s true – I do trust him.
Well then,” he looks relieved. “The rest of this stuff is just details.”

NOW SINCE I CAN'T TIE YOU TO THE CEILING HOW ABOUT IF I TIE YOU TO THE FLAG POST OUTSIDE? The next round of food comes (cod with hollaindaise and asparagus. I'm sort-of allergic to fish and seafood, so the more I read about this meal the more queasy I feel.) and on that note asks her about food being a deal breaker.

No.” I am so not backing down on this. No one is going to dictate to me what I eat. How I fuck, yes, but eat… no, no way.
I need to know that you’re not hungry.”
I frown. Why?
You’ll have to trust me.”
He gazes at me for a moment, and he relaxes.
Touché, Miss Steele,” he says quietly. “I concede the food and the sleep.”

I'm not sure what just happened here. I mean, I know that he conceded the food thing, but I'm actually confused as to what's going on here. WHY must he need to know that she's not hungry? Did his birth-Mother die because of an eating disorder or something?

Why can’t I touch you?”
Because you can’t.”
His mouth sets in a mulish line.
Is it because of Mrs. Robinson?”
He looks quizzically at me.
Why would you think that?” And immediately he understands. “You think she trau­matized me?”

He insists that she didn't traumatize him, and hey, she wouldn't take that shit from him. What? Ana is starting to struggle to keep up with the conversation because her head is getting fuzzy with all of the blood having rushed to her genitals because he raised an eyebrow at her or some shit. Then he's all “I want to peel you out of that dress like a banana.” more banter and Ana manages to hold onto her ability to speak enough to get this out.

Christian. You use sex as a weapon. It really isn’t fair,” I whisper, staring down at my hands, and then looking directly at him.


You’re right. I do. In life you use what you know, Anastasia. Doesn’t change how much I want you. Here. Now.”

Because in life, what matters if getting what you want. Not treating people with basic respect or decency.”

How can he seduce me solely with his voice? I’m panting already – my heated blood rushing through my veins, my nerves tingling.

Also, black magic. He then tells her he wants to try something and launches into a speech so painful I'm going to summarize it to save you all money on alcohol. You're welcome. Grey basically tells Ana that she should just become his sub, right there and now, because if she did then there wouldn't be pressure on her to make choices and think about things ever again because that would be his job, as the man.


Grey goes on about how “I know you want me” and Ana is all “WHAT HOW?” Jeeze, Ana, I dunno.

It's a real mystery.

Not like there are any physical tells.

However the book goes on to act as if Grey is SO SMART for having figured this out.

“… Your body gives you away. You’re pressing your thighs together, you’re flushed, and your breathing has changed.”
O, this is too much.
How do you know about my thighs?” My voice is low, disbelieving. They’re under the table for heaven’s sake.
I felt the tablecloth move, and it’s a calculated guess based on years of experience. I’m right aren’t I?”

You felt the tablecloth move?

Oh pineapple. You understand me.

Calculated guess based on years of experience doing what? Working as a waiter? Also, guys, just want to point out the “O” as to “oh” up there. EL James, my proof readers aren't even getting paid and they do a better job then yours.***

That’s what I’m hindered by in this game of se­duction. He’s the only one who knows and understands the rules. I’m just too naïve and inexperienced.

You remember that thing called the internet that you were playing with earlier? It can help.

I haven’t finished my cod.”
You’d prefer cold cod to me?”

Yes. And it would cause me sever stomach pains! Ana is frustrated that she just can't do right. He wanted her to eat ALL THE THINGS didn't he?

Christian. You just don’t fight fair.”
I know. I never have.”

He was banned from little league when he was seven because he poisoned the other team's water cooler. Ana's inner Goddess then steps up to the plate to tell Ana “YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN GIVE HIM A RAGING BONER!” and then things get hilarious again.

Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it.

I take back all the mean things I have said. This book is amazing.

Anastasia. What are you doing?”

Who the fuck eats asparagus like that?”

I bite off the tip.

Christian then let's out a scream of pain and crosses his legs clutching his genitals. Just kidding, they go back and forth with Ana getting coy and playing innocent. The waiter then comes and clears the plates and it is at that moment Ana realizes she needs to GTFO.

Our meeting will only end one way if I stay, and I need some boundaries after such an intense conversation. As much as my body craves his touch, my mind is rebelling. I need some distance to think about all he’s said. I still haven’t made a decision, and his sexual allure and prowess doesn’t make it any easier.

Where did this back bone come from? Because I like it. Even if it means I don't get another hilarious sex scene. Though then things bounce to scary.

Please… I have to.”
Because you’ve given me so much to consider… and I need some distance.”
I could make you stay,” he threatens.

This book is SO CLOSE to being horror. It would be AWESOME as horror. Erotic horror. That's a thing, and one that would be way more compelling a read then this shit.

You know, when you fell into my office to interview me, you were all yes sir, no sir. I thought you were a natural born submissive. But quite frankly, Anastasia, I’m not sure you have a submissive bone in your delectable body.”

I read that chapter. No she wasn't. She was all “Why? Are you gay or something?”.

I want the chance to explore the possibility that you do,” he murmurs, staring down at me. He reaches up and caresses my face, his thumb tracing my lower lip. “I don’t know any other way, Anastasia. This is who I am.”
I know.”

If this is who you are, you should be comfortable with the fact that not everyone else is like that, and not try to push. Jack wagon.

I can’t persuade you to stay?” he breathes between kisses.
Spend the night with me.”

Come on Ana, he clearly just wants to get his snuggle on. Though, seriously, Grey, dude, "No" does not mean try harder! The page is wrought with Ana not being sure if this is it. If she'll say yes or no, this might be the last time she kisses him! ZOMG! Which is why she must flee! He can't see her feelings!

Why do I think you’re telling me goodbye?”
Because I’m leaving now.”
That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

I dislike psychic characters. I don't mean proper psychics who maybe struggle with their abilities. I mean characters who somehow always seems to get it right when they try to read those around them despite the odds of that. Grey has yet to fail to guess what Ana is thinking or feeling. I wouldn't want a boyfriend who could do that to me. It would be creepy. Plus sometimes there are things that The Boy just doesn't need to know. Sometimes I get mad for really stupid reasons. I KNOW they're stupid and I will cease to be mad in a few minutes to hours, so there's no reason to bring it up and stress him out. If he could read my mind he'd be all “Why the hell are you mad at me because I don't like corgis?”****
BECAUSE THEY'RE ADORABLE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!” and then things would escalate. So characters who somehow can read minds like this freak me out.

After a moment, he kisses my forehead, inhales deeply, his nose in my hair, and then he releases me, stepping back.

Yeah, smell her a little. That's the shit.

So he walks her to the lobby and Ana is a mess because she's thinking she'll say no (HA! That'd be awesome!) and Grey somehow magically knows this.

You’re moving this weekend to Seattle. If you make the right decision, can I see you on Sunday?” He sounds hesitant.

If you make the RIGHT decision. Ana, say yes so you can flog his dick off. Do it. So Grey gives Ana his jacket because she's not wearing one and it's cool out and he wants an excuse to see her again later. Then the valet gets her car.

Is this roadworthy?” He’s glaring at me now.
Will it make it to Seattle?”
Yes. She will.”
Yes,” I snap, exasperated. “Okay she’s old. But she’s mine, and she’s roadworthy. My stepdad bought it for me.”
Oh, Anastasia, I think we can do better than this.”
What do you mean?” Realization dawns. “You are not buying me a car.”
He glowers at me, his jaw tense.
We’ll see,” he says tightly.

Alright, Grey, come here. We need to talk. Ana is pretty much saying no to you right now. I get that upsets you, but that's her choice. Trying to push a car on her is not going to help. She's uncomfortable about it. Respect that. Seriously, what the hell dude?

So Ana drives off and once she's out of the way she starts to bawl because she can't possibly do this! A future with Grey would be so not normal! And you know what, Ana? It's okay for you to say “Sorry, not for me.” and peace out but ZOMG SHE LIKES HIM SOOOOO MUCH!!! And what if she does it and he says no? Definitely better to back away now before she gets emotionally attached and after 3 months is up he decides she isn't for him? The rejection!

Ana has been applying for publishing jobs. If she's this afraid of rejection, life is going to be very hard for her. You know, more then it would be from being afraid of rejection just cause. So Ana is agonizing over it as she drives home and no one is home. The house is empty and dark save the laptop and it's beckoning glow with a message in her inbox.

I don’t understand why you ran this evening. I sincerely hope I answered all your ques­tions to your satisfaction. I know I have given you a great deal to contemplate, and I fervently hope that you will give my proposal your serious consideration. I really want to make this work. We will take it slow.
Trust me.

...And as if to make me look bad Grey fails to be psychic just this once.

I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition. Reading this, I might as well be.

Dude, people have language quirks. My Dad is a business dude. He's always used talk terms in his daily life. Not as much as Grey, and not to the point that it made him sound like a creepy robot, but it's pretty obvious that he's a business person once you talk to him for a few minutes, the language seeps in. Has Ana never encountered someone so steeped in their work-place that they default to shop-talk? And then we get MORE FLASH BACKS. No, really. This has been happening constantly this chapter. This book, thus far, spans something like.... A month? Tops? Counting the time skip over exams. YOU DON'T NEED THIS MANY FLASH BACKS FOR A MONTH!

Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.’
I don’t do the girlfriend thing.’
I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.’
I don’t make love.’
‘This is all I know.’

I KNOW! I GET IT! And now, for the last line of this chapter.

And as I weep into my pillow silently, it’s this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. Perhaps together we can chart a new course.

She is actually going to go into this thinking “Maybe I can change him.”. I don't even... Fuck this noise. I'm getting shittered. See y'all Thursday! And as always, comments and drink recipes make me happy so you should leave them here. Just in that little box below.


*It has occurred to me that Ana is probably what EL James wants her own daughter to grow up into. A sweet, Nice Girl who doesn't drink or get into trouble and who loves her parents without judgement ever. That will have ruined the next sex scene for me. JAAAAAAMMMEEESS!
**For some reason I feel Grey should prefer red, so I can't help EL James prefers white herself. 
*** As I know both of you are reading this and cringing as no one proof read it <3 you both.  
**** This may or may not be based on a thing I have actually been sulky over. Don't judge. 


  1. You sound like you need a Virgin Islands Painkiller: orange juice, pineapple juice, cream of coconut, and rum, in whatever proportion makes you happiest. I usually do half orange and half pineapple. Extra good with a maraschino cherry!

  2. Although there wasn't any sex in this chapter, I find myself wondering about something - Ana seems to orgasm the second Christian stick his dick in. Does she do the same thing every time she uses a tampon, too? I mean, come on EL James. Orgasms from intercourse aren't exactly the easiest thing to come by for most women.

    1. Does she do the same thing every time she uses a tampon, too?

      Ah, but if she used tampons, she wouldn't be pure enough. (*sigh*)

    2. That is pretty much exactly my thoughts.

  3. This might be because i just finished reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo which was at least fifty times better than this and didn't try to glorify rape but this line right here “No, Miss Steele. I own this hotel, and everyone inside of it. I could take you right here, and you could kick and scream as much as you like, but no one would stop me.” Sounds like a rapist's confession to me.

    If someone just read that line out of context they would think it's from an episode of Law&Order:SVU or as you said, a horror movie. Plus I don't care how rich you are, if you are with a girl who is kicking and screaming,someone is gonna be calling the cops. There are more red flags in this "relationship" than at a communist gathering yet Anna just seems to wanna dive right in.

    1. That line was me extending his internal dialog, not actually canon, but as far as I'm concerned he may as well have said it. He's acted like that from the start.

  4. I've just realized that this "author" is a grown ass woman, who due to her lack of education or real world experiences, still has the erotic fantasies that a really horny 14 year old may in fact wish for - one, a guy that can make her orgasm and two, not grasping the pedophilic aspect of the relationship. I was a really horny 15 year old and got pretty steamy with a 24 year old older brother of a friend. When I turned 24 I was like shit, that guy was a fucking chester! But 15 year old.me.said car, money, I wanna bone. I wanna know what kind of sheltered ass life EL James has lived to have such a narrow and frighteningly childlike view, and yet arms herself with serious and adult only content that it's quite literally making my IBS act a fool right now.

  5. O is a legitimate alternate spelling of Oh. It is more commonly used in the vocative form, however. It may also be a Britishism.

  6. Douche Canoe.....That's a good one ;)

  7. Fuck off Christian Grey grhhh, you stupid Cunt,
    oh wait! Ana's the stupid cunt your molesting, ugh so glad I'm reading this book while drinking now