Instead of 50 Shades you guys get to see something I wrote

I had promised you guys one of my writing experiments from 750 words today, because there was no way in hell I was getting a 50 Shades post done on time (I am making no promises, but I will TRY to run double 50 Shades next week to make up for it) and even though I wrote two almost stand alone pieces so far (a rarity for me, I'm more an ongoing adventure sort of girl) neither are ready to see the light of day. That and Editor Numbers 1 and 2 don't have the time at the moment to sit down and help me hammer these out (anyone want to sign up to be editor number 3?) and so, at their suggestion, I am instead posting an excerpt from my novel in progress. They both agreed on this bit, but I remain incredibly insecure, but would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on it.

“I'm certain that they will be here soon,” said Lila, not sounding at all certain. “Let's wait just a little bit longer, okay?”

As if on cue, the door burst open, and in strode Hazel Knight with Theodore in his full shining regalia behind her. She flashed a red carpet smile. “Sorry we're late.” Finian and Kelly quietly took up the rear. Finian's arm was in a sling, and tucked under his other arm was what looked like a flip chart. Hazel rested a long, thin wooden pointer over her shoulder. “Did you folks know that there are monsters everywhere in this city? Just little ones, lucky for y'all, but they really can slow you down. So, have any of you found out anything?” Before anyone could answer, she continued. “I figured as much. Well, lucky for all of you, this isn't our first rodeo, and we decided to help you newbies get your feet wet.” she said with a wink. Finian set the chart down and flipped open to the first page. It read ‘MONSTERS AND YOU! A guide to the basics of monster slaying’.

“As I'm sure you've all seen,” Finian began, “the warehouse is surrounded by monsters. However, they're all the same few types of monsters, and with a little... experimentation, Hazel and I managed to find the fastest, easiest, and most effective ways to take them out.”

“But before that,” said Hazel, and with great zeal, flipped over to the first page. On it was written ‘DON'T PANIC’. “When facing these monsters, it's perfectly normal for people to lose their heads, and sometimes never get them back! These monsters represent a core truth of the universe, and while it's normal to be overwhelmed—and yes, in many cases, driven to absolute insanity—that is not going to help you survive. So, remember: don't panic!” Without looking away from the crowd, she flipped another sheet.

The next showed a blown up photograph of a monster that no one wanted to look directly at. It was a writhing mass of eyes, tentacles, and mouths. “You want to throw the grenade into the mouth that looks most structurally important,” said Finian, as Hazel pointed at the mouth in question. “Not all mouths are equally valuable. Mouths on tentacles are practical—” again, Hazel pointed “—but tend not to be near vital systems. Ideally, try to find the mouth that has the most eyes nearby.”

“And if you don't have grenades, a well-timed magic attack can have a similar effect,” added Hazel cheerfully.

“For those of you who have magic of that nature,” Finian finished as hastily as Hazel had been cheerful.

“For the rest of you,” said Hazel, flipping the page to an outline of the cross-section of the beast, “aim for the middle bit.” She gestured to the core of the beast. “It'll be your best bet. Remember, tentacles, while no picnic to deal with, are almost never vital.”

“And if you have no means of attacking, just run. There's no shame in running from the huge hell beast.”

“If you're a pansy.” Finian fixed Hazel with a stare. She ignored it. Alto looked around the room to see if everyone else was as floored as she was. Reactions ranged from naked awe to open shock to Cai taking notes with a look of utmost concentration on his face.

“Moving on,” said Finian. Hazel obliged by flipping to the next page. On this one, the beast that stared back was a stocky, bipedal, low-set thing with two tusks, one protruding from each of its shoulders. On its back was what looked like a turtle shell. “These guys have a few things in common with your average turtle.” Hazel's pointer hit the shell. “The shell is awful strong. If you manage to knock it onto its back, it will struggle to get back up.”

“Unfortunately, unlike a turtle, it can right itself on its own.” Her pointer gestured to the stubby arms. “And knocking it onto its back is no easy feat” she gestured to it's height, “low center of gravity and all that. It isn't impossible, though!If you knock it over, aim for the joints. I know, that goes against what we just told you, but for some reason that seems to be what hurts.”

“And be careful of the teeth,” added Finian “Those suckers hurt.” Alto found herself eyeing his sling again.

“How did you find this out?” This came from Flynn, who had been on the side of the spectrum of watching with naked awe.

Finian and Hazel exchanged a glance. “We waited until we found one separated from the pack and picked a fight with it, basically. Anyways—” Finian gestured to the chart “—stabbing, shooting, or blasting with magic are all useful, so long as you aim for joints. If it minded being shotgunned in the face, it hid it remarkably well.”

“And that is an awful hard thing to hide,” added Hazel.

Have they practiced this? Is this a scripted bit?

“Now,” said Hazel, eyes alight, “we have our last nasty, and, well, it is the nastiest.”

“It's worse than the thing that is all eyes and mouths?” asked Rohan, paling.

“And tentacles,” added Cai cheerfully from beside him, “don't forget those.” Rohan pursed his lips into a thin smile.

Hazel flipped the next page, and earned several cries from people jerking back from the image. Alto frowned. She hadn't seen any of those in her travels. It was a tall, slender thing, almost human-shaped. Instead of arms coming out of its shoulders, there were legs, and where its legs should have been, there were tiny, withered arms. It had a head, though the head was only a massive mouth filled with sharp teeth, and then there were eyes on its torso, as well as another mouth. Finian pointed to the torso mouth. “A good example of structurally vital mouths,” he said with a nod.

“There are three of these that we were able to find,” said Hazel, somber, “and admittedly we never got the grenade in its mouth, but if you meet it, just run. It sucks souls and—”

“It sucks souls?” This came from Jeb, who had a lazy arm slung across the back of his chair, legs spread. “Tell me, how did you find that out?” he asked with a smirk.

“We threw a kitten at it,” said Hazel cheerfully. Cai let out a horrified gasp.

“Less thrown, more just... didn't stop it from getting too close,” corrected Finian with a weary sigh. “Anyways, don't touch its arms, whatever you do.” He flipped the page this time, and showed an outline of the warehouse. “These are the entrances. This is where Ivar seems to spend most of his time, which is where the magic circle is,” he said as Hazel pointed. “On top of not being able to feel pain, he seems to have near or total immunities to magic, so just aim for the vitals.”

“The entrance with the least nasty of the nasties seems to be this one,” said Hazel. Her pointer made a satisfying thwack. “If we go in here we're less likely to be eaten by monsters and more likely to bypass Ivar and find Gustav on his own. If we find Gustav without Ivar, we're going to need to work awful fast. If he summons Ivar, even with all of us and all of our champions, the odds of someone dying go up. You know, that whole black magic rituals and all of that. If we run into both, we should try and split them up.”

“The champions who are magic reliant should fall back if we have to fight Ivar and let the others take the forefront, on this one, too. And that,” said Finian, as he flipped to the last page, which in a cursive script read fin, “is the plan. Meet here at this time tomorrow, and come armed to the teeth as well as any other appendages you can find a way to arm.”