50 Shades Freed Chapter 1, in which, wait--we're skipping the wedding?

Will has been banished from the country, so today we have a 50 Shades post! Wait, 50 Shades and an Erika post? On a Sunday? The world has ceased to make sense, I know. Yes, I'm still around, but shortly after the last post I did my Grandfather had been given a few weeks to live, and being one of the few local relatives in town I've been pretty busy dealing with his death and taking care of my Grandmother. I'm hoping to get back into the saddle on 50 Shades soon, but my plate is loaded, so I'm just going to throw them up when I can and not try and claim a schedule until I build up a buffer.

Now, what you're here for. I got married almost a year ago (eep) and as such I expected this book to be all wedding planning and anticipation and excitement over THE BIG DAY. I was accused of being too easygoing and relaxed as a bride, and even I got swept up in it all. My own wedding planning experience was atypical, it was pretty smooth and low stress. I only got pushback on a few little things, there were no big fights or family drama*, and because I picked the off-season had vendors competing for my business. The day itself had no real snags. Despite that, I can off the top of my head think of a lot of opportunities for tension and drama and over the top fights with intense make up scenes because weddings and wedding planning brings out weird stuff in people. You know, what EL James thrives on. So, I'm confused. The wedding is skipped over almost entirely, and we get only a few little blips of wedding planning. EL James instead skips straight to THE HONEYMOON! Sort of. I will give her credit, she's learned at least one new trick between the second and third book, and that is how to write in non-linear time. We see the Greys on their honeymoon, but it's spliced with flashbacks to montage us from the engagement to the present.

“How would you feel if I went topless, like the other women on the beach?” I ask.“Displeased,” he says without hesitation. “I’m not very happy about you wearing so little right now.” He leans down and whispers in my ear. “Don’t push your luck.”“Is that a challenge, Mr. Grey?”“No. It’s a statement of fact, Mrs. Grey.”I sigh and shake my head. Oh, Christian . . . my possessive, jealous, control
freak Christian.

Yeah Ana, don't push your luck on doing what you want with your own body! And think it's cute when you're treated like you belong to another person, not yourself. I get it, referring to someone as "Mine" or being someone's is all so terribly romantic. It's not supposed to be about ownership, it's about love and passion etc etc etc. But it isn't here. Time and time again, we see Grey treating Ana as his property. He dictates how she dresses, how she eats, he gets angry when she goes out with other people and wants her to stop working. He especially dislikes Kate, who called him out on being so controlling and being concerned with how he was treating his property Ana. He also reminds her that she belongs to him a lot. Multiple times a chapter. She will sometimes smugly think "Well, he's mine" when other women gawk at Grey (so, every random woman extra they encounter) but the frequency doesn't line up, and Ana never tries to control who he sees.

The above bolded text isn't a cute challenge like the book will try to treat it, this is a command. And when Ana disobeys (she starts laying on her stomach but in her sleep rolls onto her back) he gets mad. HOW DARE OTHER PEOPLE SEE HIS WIFE'S BOOBZ! You know, ignoring the fact that they were making out in the water in plain sight so intensely people thought they were about to bone right then and there like ten minutes ago.

Now for the wedding. It takes place six months after the end of the last book, is held at Grey's parents place, and everything is white pink and silver, which is surprising to me because neither Ana nor Grey strike me as the pink type. I guess it was his Mom? The wedding is rushed through (K, you may now kiss the bride. Cool lets party. Kate says some vague snarky but supportive stuff, Jose basically reminds us he exists by telling Ana if Grey pulls anything he's here for her, silently implying he means with his junk, just, you know, a friendly open offer).  As Grey drags Ana off before she wants to leave, insisting she stay in her wedding dress (her's at least sounds moderately comfortable? Like, no mention of bodices and corset boning jabbing into her ribs) we get a quick exchange between Ana and her Mother (with Kate hovering around for reasons?).

“You didn’t promise to obey,” she reminds me tactfully. Kate tries to disguise her snort as a cough. I narrow my eyes at her. Neither she nor my mother have any idea of the fight Christian and I had about that. I don’t want to rehash that argument. Jeez, can my Fifty Shades sulk . . . and have nightmares. The memory is sobering.

This is going to be A Thing. Ana didn't promise to obey in her vows. Grey's response was to, like a mature adult, sulk.

“I can’t believe how grown-up you look right now. Beginning a new life . . .Just remember that men are from a different planet, and you’ll be fine.”I giggle. Christian is from a different universe, if only she knew.

TEE HEE BECAUSE ONLY ONE GENDER ARE REAL PEOPLE! Men are bad at feelings and women are irrational! Wimen maek babies and menz kill bear! Have I gotten regressive enough to keep up with this book yet?

So they bail on their own wedding party to go onto Grey's private jet (uggghhh) because they're on their way to Europe! All of it! Apparently there's a private room there where they bone. The sex scenes are somewhere between funny and boring to me now.

Leaving my breasts bereft he runs his hands down my stomach, over my belly, and down to my thighs, his thumbs skimming my sex.

Ana, you're a married woman now. You can say vagina. You could before, too. Here, try it with me: v-a-g-i-n-a. Vagina! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP CALLING IT YOUR SEX.

“This is like unwrapping my Christmas presents.” He smiles up at me through his long dark lashes.“A present you’ve had already . . .”He frowns in admonishment. “Oh no, baby. This time it’s really mine.”

He says to the girl whose Mother has been married three or four times. I don't even know what to do with this scene. If I were her editor I think I'd just send it back with a bunch of question marks scribbled on it. It's a lot of tongues invading and U MAEK ME THE HAPPIEST 5EVAR type thing and it's just--why is all of their sex like this? Even when they're being kinky and weird it comes back to ILY type things like all of their conversations and fights do. They just spend a lot of time saying how much they LURVE each other and I just--what else? You say you love each other and make each other happy, but short of sexy flirting they don't really talk unless they're fighting. This may be EL James' worst case of telling-not-showing.

His lips find mine, his hands curling around my head, holding me, stilling me as our tongues glory in each other.

Do you think she has a thesaurus collection? I bet she has a thesaurus collection.

He stands swiftly and in one efficient move dispenses with his pants and boxer briefs so that he’s gloriously naked and looming large and ready over me.

 It's even funnier if you imagine the music from 2001 Space Odyssey playing here.

It turns out we were getting this flashback via Ana napping on the beach, rather than EL James embracing that not all story telling needs to be perfectly linear (still an improvement!) and she's woken up riiight before she gets the D by Grey coming back to find her topless and on her back and he is PISSED, and that's the end of chapter 1! Tune in next time to find out what punishment Grey dishes up for Ana not listening to his orders which are totes only for her own good!

Oh, right, they've been calling each other Mr and Mrs. Grey or "wife" and "husband" non-stop. It's awful.

---

*Ok, my Grandmother straight up CAMPAIGNED against me on the "no kids" thing over one cousin, but she has yet to figure out that the second I realize someone is trying to guilt trip me I stop caring, so, eh. NBD.

50 Shades Freed, prologue, in which its shortness is the nicest thing I can think to say about it

Well, about a year later, I finally return to this clusterfuck of a series. Updates will be sporadic (based on when my health allows me the mental ability, spoons, and snark to tackle this) but if there is an update, it will be on a Thursday. My goal is every other week, but I know I can't commit to that.

I tried to read this book in one go, with the intention to then go through it again and write about it chapter by chapter, but it was both too long and too awful. I honestly don't really remember what happened as far as I did read, so you all get to see my shock and disgust as I unearth these suppressed memories. Grab your drinks because you need to drink enough for both of us, dear reader.

You want to know how much I forgot? I forgot that this book opens with first-person baby Grey hanging around his Mom's corpse and being hungry and playing with cars. I--I'm not even going to quote any of it because

1) First person child narration, even when done well* is creepy and annoying.
2) EL James attempting to drama and angst porn is also creepy and annoying
3) Honestly, the writing in those two paragraphs is just such a jumble of bad I don't even know what to grab to demonstrate it.

So I will summarize: Grey hangs out with Mom-corpse, is hungry/thirsty and eats some unidentified gross stuff while puttering around not understanding that Mom isn't sleeping. Her drug-dealer ex turns up, freaks out, boots Grey in the head out of the way to investigate the body, calls the cops, and peaces out and locks the door. Cop turns up, grabs Grey who freaks out and... this leads to him forgetting how to words? Or running out of words? Even being put in this character's head at this moment, it's just all so... blunt force that I actually find myself less certain as to what is supposed to be going on with them.

Don’t touch me. I stay by Mommy. No. Stay away from me. The lady policeman has my blankie, and she grabs me. I scream. Mommy! Mommy! I want my Mommy. The words are gone. I can’t say the words. Mommy can’t hear me. I have no words.

OK, I get that we're trying to establish how he ended up doing the whole "not talking for a few years" thing (which, given the amount of therapy he was put in from such a young age, still does not seem quite feasible to me but I am not a child psychologist) and the whole "no touching" bit (that one seems more reasonable to me to have manifested in the way it did, even with being treated intensely from a young age) but eeeehhhh. At least EL James is trying to show, not tell? Like, it's an improvement.  (But she's already told us. Over. And over. And over. I no longer care to be shown.)

We then get a smash cut to Ana tearfully reassuring Grey in third person--and that is weird to me. Was EL James struggling to write Grey in first person? I get why it's not Ana, this scene is very much about Grey, but switching to third person (which we have not seen at any other point in the series) is a strange narrative choice that doesn't work for me. I think it would have worked better if the whole book was third person (James' third person is actually not nearly as terrible as her first person) or had stuck with Grey for the whole chapter.

“Ana.” He breathes her name, and it’s a talisman against the black choking panic coursing through his body.

“Hush, I’m here.” She curls around him, her limbs cocooning him, her warmth leeching into his body, forcing back the shadows, forcing back the fear. She is sunshine, she is light . . . she is his.

Grey is, as far as I can tell, in the middle of a panic attack when he wakes up. I am lucky enough to not have had a panic attack, but not all of my loved ones have been so lucky. For the sake of privacy I won't go into too much detail, but I'm like 90% sure you can't hug away a panic attack. I've tried. What surprises me is Grey, who until the last book had a lot of issues with touching, in a moment when he is, if not having a panic attack, on the cusp of maybe having one, isn't set off more by touching. That seems like it would be more internally consistent. I mean, I get Ana apparently has some high level cleric spells (she's been power leveling between books it seems) that have allowed her to become light incarnate (that's gotta be at least a level 10 spell) but being able to magic away deep rooted psychological problems is still some hella high-leveled shit and I don't think she's had enough time between books to both power level AND become a shrink. However on top of not being a child psychologist, I am actually not any kind of psychologist, so this is not my area of expertise. (That involves fire. So much fire).

I also see that even in third person Grey is claiming Ana as "his". That will never not be weird to me. I will sometimes claim The Husbeast's** limbs as my own, and ignore his protests of needing them, and there is nothing sexy or romantic about this. I do it entirely to harass him. So when I see someone claiming another person as their own, I associate it with all the wrong things and it's either creepy and Gollum-like or involves evil giggling followed by trying to hide the other person under the blanket and hope they're not like birds and think that nothing else exists now.

“Please let’s not fight.” His voice is hoarse as he wraps his arms around her.

 You were just asleep what? How does that even? I don't?

“The vows. No obeying. I can do that. We’ll find a way.” The words rush out of his mouth in a tumble of emotion and confusion and anxiety.

Dude this is a hell of a non-sequitur. I assume they were fighting about this before bed? I mean, they fight constantly in book 2 so that seems like another Tuesday in their household. I kind of like that we're being told he's disoriented and confused and anxious here--not just shaking off the (almost?) panic attack. I guess even Ana's high level light-magic healing spells can't even do that (I'd look into taking some levels in healing if I could) and as annoyingly unrealistic as Grey's feelings and trauma is--bouncing wildly between melodramatic and "tidied up neatly by the end of the episode" levels of simplicity--I do appreciate when James hits on something resembling human.

I am a concerned for Ana that Grey is only agreeing to compromise on her not agreeing to obey him, in front of all their friends and family (a call that seems painfully obvious on her part), when he's like this. Grey is shaken and upset, and Ana is the one thing (he thinks) that can help. It is taking that to have him say "OK, I need (not want) you in my life because you fix a thing, so I will do what it takes to keep you here so you can keep fixing that, 'kay?" which is still shitty and unhealthy and so typically Grey.

“Yes. We will. We’ll always find a way,” she whispers and her lips are on his, silencing him, bringing him back to the now.

HER KISS CAN TRANSPORT HIM THROUGH TIME I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SPHERE THAT SPELL BELONGS TO IS ANA A MAGICAL GIRL?!


That brings us to the end of the prologue (it is, unlike every other chapter, blissfully short). Keep an eye on twitter (@SnappyErika) or tumblr (for those of you lamenting Will not being on twitter, he IS on tumblr!) for news on updates, or, you know, come back and check the 50 Shades Freed tag. Do what feels good friends. As always, your comments encourage me to forge forward into this awful, and I need all the encouragement I can get. Till another Thursday! Erika out!



*I could not finish this book because while it was very well written and engaging in a horrific sort of way my inherent lack of ability to kids made it too hard to get through for me.
**He was promoted from The Boy after we got married, and a reminder since I've been away and it keeps coming up in comments on older posts, Will and The Husbeast are not the same person. [WW note: It is impossible to overstate how important this distinction is.]

50 Shades chapter 22 in which IT'S OVER OH THANK GOD IT IS OVER

So, this is it. The last chapter of this book. Let's do this bitch!

Last chapter ended with Ana and Grey going to his parents place for his birthday party to be yanked aside by a furious Kate, wielding a copy of one of the e-mails they had discussing the sub and dom contract from book 1. To my shock and delight, we are not forced to read it AGAIN because remember how we had to read it every third chapter in book 1? Apparently James took the hint and assumed we'd remember the email.

This chapter, obviously, is a continuation of it. I'm struggling to come up with anything cohesive or interesting to say about the exchange, because it is just really badly written. Ana is FURIOUS at Kate for meddling/ruining Grey's birthday, Grey is panicked Kate told anyone, and Kate is concerned and just keeps demanding "what has he done to you?" These are all valid stances, but they're all played terribly. It dissolves into Ana saying "I love him we're getting married and this has nothing to do with you", Kate apologizing profusely, maintaining that she was "just worried", and Grey earning his title All-Frown. Rather than have people be able to walk out of a room, conversation tersely resolved, we have Grace walk in to defuse the lingering tension.

Kate is a reporter, and apparently good at getting information. Why the ever living crap is she grabbing both of them, instead of just Ana, and why is she going about it in "I AM SO PISSED" instead of sweet smiles so Grey doesn't suspect anything? I mean, in high school was she never passed the "So I think my friend's boyfriend is abusing her" pamphlet? Or she's never watched a lifetime special? If she's SUCH a good reporter, she's probably taken some psych classes to figure out how to best ply people for information, right? Everything about her approach is wrong. I get that EL James wanted to amp up DRAMA but... there are way more interesting ways to do it, you know? Everything is resolved quickly and neatly in this book, the different "dramatic moments" simply being interspersed to justify the length since there wasn't enough plot for a whole book. It's boring. Seriously, if conflicts dragged out longer than a scene, it could have some potential.

Consider this: Kate takes Ana aside, asks her if she wants to talk--gives her the opportunity but she seems strange. Ana, knowing Kate so well, knows she's trying to get information but is miffed as to what she's after. When Ana doesn't bring up the BDSM stuff, Kate can say "Listen, I found this, and I'm worried. This isn't healthy. Has he hit you? Are you okay? I'm here for you".  It is important to not be judgmental of people in abusive situations. You can't talk them out of it unless they're willing to listen, and pressing too hard will just get you frozen out and unable to help when the time comes. Again, 101 shit here.

Ana's response to Kate's questions would be an angry "Nono everything is fine I've fixed him! And this has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU" and THAT would be where Kate should lose her shit.

Kate of the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition should know how to get information, but at the same time, she is fiercely protective of Ana, opinionated, and strong willed. Or so the book keeps trying to tell us. Seeing her friend diving into what is literally a textbook case of abusive relationship (and Kate hasn't even seen how controlling he is! Just glimpses) would drive her to go from "I am trying to be kind and supportive" to "Diving into oncoming traffic to stop this mess". Kate begs Ana to listen, but Ana refuses because she "just doesn't understand him" and keeps telling her it is none of her business. This is where Kate, in a desperate, well meaning and totally horrible moment, would threaten to go public with the letter.

Yeah, how much more interesting is that than "NO I DIDN'T SHOW ANYONE LISTEN I'M SORRY I WAS WORRIED"? It would also showcase Kate's apparent tenacity.

It would be at this point that Grey, unsuspecting, wanders in and naturally catches that exchange. He starts to panic, Ana starts to panic, Kate is probably angry crying now. Grey, in a moment of character growth, explains that he's left that behind him, he loves Ana, as she is, as an equal, and she's agreed to marry him!

Kate, apprehensive, but not wanting to actually ruin her relationship with Ana "for her own good" calms down. She THEN apologizes, but keeps justifying her actions. A nonapology, really. She was scared and worried and and and! Grey is annoyed and pissed, but crisis adverted. Ana sighs, forgives her in the name of "not wanting to fight" or ruin Grey's birthday, asks for the letter (which Kate hands over, but that's fine, we all know she has another copy of it, right?) and they all leave. It's awkward, trust has been fractured in a big way, and Ana isn't sure she trusts Kate anymore, but knows she can't just cleanly cut her out because she's marrying Grey, and Kate is dating his brother, and Ana is friends with HER brother. Things would be resolved, but not neatly, and it would be way more interesting and dynamic and take more than 30 seconds.

Alas, EL James isn't great at dealing with tension and drama, so it's over about as fast as it starts, and ends with this.

“You really are okay?” she asks hopefully.
“Yes.” I grin at her, my joy returning. She’s back onside. She smiles at me, my happiness reflecting back on her. I step out of Christian’s hold, and she hugs me suddenly.
“Oh, Ana—I was so worried when I read this. I didn’t know what to think. Will you explain it to me?” she whispers.
“One day, not now.”
“Good. I won’t tell anyone. I love you so much, Ana, like my own sister. I just thought . . . I didn’t know what to think. I’m sorry. If you’re happy, then I’m happy.”

IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THAT SCENE?! The only way to bring Kate up to speed on whats going on?

So off to the party, I guess?

Crap. How many people are here?
I scan the room quickly: all the Greys, Ethan with Mia, Dr. Flynn and his wife, I assume. There’s Mac from the boat, a tall, handsome African American—I remember seeing him in Christian’s office the first time I met Christian—Mia’s bitchy friend Lily, two women I don’t recognize at all, and . . . Oh no. My heart sinks. That woman . . . Mrs. Robinson.

OH MY GOD THE DUDE WITH DREADLOCKS FROM CHAPTER ONE BOOK ONE CAME BACK SO GREY COULD HAVE A TOKEN BLACK FRIEND! Amazing. He doesn't say or do anything, just there to be a face in the crowd and a nod towards Grey not being racist or something. This delights me.

Ana and Grey are facing a crowd of people, through which Elena elbows (well, I imagine she elbows) her way to the front to coo over Grey "ZOMG I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD WHY DIDN'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS?!" and ignores Ana while Grey desperately clings to Ana, trying to use her as a meat shield (I may be adding some embellishments here). Grey brushes her off--it's pretty brutal, actually--to announce he's going to marry Ana. So, his only friend in the world asks him if he's okay, expresses worry, and he may as well plant his palm in her face to cram her off to the side and announce he's marrying a woman who he's known for a month.

Lily, who is standing beside Mia, looks crestfallen; Gretchen looks like she’s eaten something nasty and bitter. As I glance anxiously around at the assembled crowd, I catch sight of Elena. Her mouth is open. She’s stunned—horrified even, and I can’t help a small but intense feeling of satisfaction to see her dumbstruck.

Yes, all of the single women are upset about this. Because by laying eyes upon Grey you want to be with him forevarz.* Awesome. Then his family are all over Ana with glee and love. Mia asks about the ring, which Ana totally didn't think about because she's sooo not a gold digger. They make the rounds and chat with Dr Flynn and his wife, who seems to imply that Flynn talks about Grey at home because that's professional, right? Flynn then chats with Grey about Leila, because patient confidentiality ain't no thang before we get to meet Ros. OH NO A WOMAN WHO WORKS WITH GREY (and the first redhead we've met).  But it's cool, she's a lesbian, so they can be friends!

I am tired of this shit. Men and women can only be friends if one of them is into the same sex? Does that mean Ros can't have any female friends? Well, at least EL James isn't trying to tell us that Grey can turn a lesbian onto men. I would need to buy a copy of the book to burn it if she were, but this is an obnoxiously prevalent trope.

More pointless nattering with characters who have no bearing on the plot, didn't exists before this scene, and I don't give a crap about. Food's served, Mia corners Ana with a cocktail that's "much nicer than champagne" (Wtf?) to ask her advice on Elliot. She likes him, he likes her, but because his sister is dating her brother he feels... awkward about dating. Ana's response is basically "Damned if I know. Try being "just friends" and ask Kate? Yeah, be friends, and ask Kate!" because people never get upset when they find out someone they were "just friends" with turns out to be harboring secret feelings for them!

Mia skitters off (which Ana remarks is impressive in her heels) and I find that of the entire cast, Mia is the only one I have any sort of mental image of. Everyone else is hair color and clothes, but Mia's personality comes out in how she moves, that doesn't happen with the other characters in the same way. After Mia flounces off, Elena saunters in, pissed and with a mission.

“Ana,” she sneers.
I summon all my self-possession, slightly fuzzy from two glasses of champagne and the lethal cocktail I hold in my hand. I think the blood has drained from my face, but I marshal both my subconscious and my inner goddess in order to appear as calm and as unflappable as I can.

IT'S MOTHERFUCKING GO TIME!!! Ana's inner goddess hands her earrings to her subconscious.

Elena tells Ana she can't possibly make Grey happy, he has needs and she'll regret what she's doing and what the hell does she think she's doing? Ana handles herself pretty well, it's a decent trash talking scene, and when Elena calls her a gold digger, Ana throws her drink on her. Before Elena can transform into a snake and try to strangle Ana, Grey walks in and finds his ex/friend dripping and livid, and his fiancee ashen and shaking and rightfully asks what the ever living crap is going on? Elena tells him Ana isn't right for him. Because that answers his question.

“What is this?” He pauses, glaring at her. “Do you think it’s you? You? You think you’re right for me?” His voice is softer but drips contempt, and suddenly I don’t want to be here.
...
“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful, entrepreneurs in the US—controlled, driven—you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”
He steps back as if he’s been struck and gapes at her in outraged disbelief.
“You loved it, Christian, don’t try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self-destruction, and I saved you from that, saved you from a life behind bars. Believe me, baby, that’s where you would have ended up. I taught you everything you know, everything you need.”


Grey then tells her "No, you taught me to fuck, but it was empty. Like you. No wonder your ex left you" (ouch).

“You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”
She narrows her eyes. “Love is for fools, Christian.”
“Get out of my house.” Grace’s implacable, furious voice startles us.

And then Grace bitch slaps her, calls her a whore, and tells her to get out again. No, really, actually calls her a whore. I like Grace more all of a sudden. Elena bolts, and Grace asks to talk to Grey alone. Ana also bolts (although not before she listens at the door for a moment. AGAIN) to hear Grace asking "how long, how old were you?" through the door before bolting up to Grey's childhood bedroom where she reflects on what just happened.

She flirts briefly with the idea that Elena was right, that she isn't right for Grey before reminding herself that, no, she fixed him it's cool! Seriously, Ana keeps talking about how he's "in the light now" throughout this book and she's basically saying "NO I FIXED HIM" every time. It's just driving in the already dangerous narrative that women can fix damaged and violent men with love. No, these men can fix themselves with therapy, no one can fix anyone who doesn't want to be "fixed".

Ana wallows in drama on his bed for a bit before inspecting the picture of Grey's Mother to see if they DO look alike and declares the only similarity is they're both brunettes, and his Mother has lighter hair than Ana does so she's good! The fact that Grey has said he hooks up with brunettes BECAUSE they remind him of his Mother should still be enough to freak Ana out. She may not actually look like the woman, but Grey has made the connection in his head. Isn't that enough to be gross? Apparently not, since Ana is relieved and liberated by the fact that she doesn't look like his Mother and, having collected herself after ALL THAT DRAMA, goes to find Grey. He naturally is going to look for her when she wanders out and they meet on the steps and talk about what the hell happened.

It actually isn't terrible. He apologizes that she had to see/go through that, she says she's sorry he lost a friend. Grey says he'll have the salon gifted to her, as it's "the least he could do", which struck me. He denied that she helped him in the last conversation, but he had said about the same things Elena had to Ana in the past. She saved him from self destruction, got him on the right path. I think his telling her off was telling her off for her current actions, but he actually does agree that in the past she helped, and that's why he's gifting the business to her. He might say he's not that petty, but considering he wasn't willing to take five minutes to tell Ana he wasn't dead because there was another man around her... he's totally that petty. I think he feels bad about what just happened, even if he recognizes that she is/was toxic.

Next we have Grey leading Ana out to the boathouse because he filled it with flowers and fairy lights and proposes again, this time with a ring on one knee. It's a giant diamond, but apparently simple, size aside. They schmoop all over the place, the scene ends with:

I know deep down I will always be his, and he will always be mine. We’ve come so far together, we have so far to go, but we are made for each other. We are meant to be.

See? No need for a third book (I would argue no need for a second one)! Except wait! We slip back to 3rd person narration of someone drinking and smoking out from a boat, watching the Grey's house!

It's Jack, who tried to sabotage Grey's helicopter, and now that he has ruined his life is going to try to murder Grey and Ana. He also apparently has a photographic memory, which means every book he's read he has learned and memorized? It's thrown in there to make him seem actually dangerous, but I don't think that's how photographic memories work? Is photographic memory a super villain power?!

He settles back in his seat. Looks like it’s going to be a long night. He’ll stay, watch, and wait. He takes another toke of his Marlboro red. His chance will come. His chance will come soon.

I commented on the big bad Pimp from chapter 1 reading like a caricature of a bad guy. We see a lot of the same things in Jack. He's smoking and drinking hard liquor! He sneers and plans violence! This isn't a bad reaction, Grey DID just ruin his life, but... why is it here? Why could the flow have not been: Grey and Ana get back together, shit with Leila kicks up, Leila is found, Jack attacks Ana, gets fired, we get the engagement stuff and this chapter, and the stuff with Mrs. R sprinkled throughout? Then we would spend the rest of this book on Jack trying to kill the happy couple as they plan their wedding! Or whatever book 3 is. The book would have action or plot then, but no. Everything is drawn out and, when it is finally addressed, resolved quickly. There is rarely any long term impact of any of the conflicts, because they're all meant to be filler. A shot of drama to keep the pretense of a plot around, but this book is just filler, no substance. I'm at the point where I'm struggling to deconstruct it because it doesn't do anything, just wades around in its own fluff and bullshit, and it's just more of the same fluff and bullshit.

THAT IS THE END OF THIS BOOK! OHMYGODFINALLY!

Now, some announcements of the future of the 50 Shades here at Something Short and Snappy. I will not be doing a chapter by chapter break down of "50 Shades Freed" because I just don't think there's enough new material there to keep them interesting, and I stopped drinking because of health stuff. I am going to deconstruct it still, just differently. I will read it (EVEN THOUGH IT IS OVER 500 PAGES WHYOHGODWHY) and write a series of posts about it once I have. However with it being over 500 pages, and my doing NaNoWriMo until August** I will tentatively slate the series starting back up again in September. In the mean time, Thursday updates will continue (and probably be lots of social justice stuff). I am also in the market for a new book to deconstruct (I have had enough of series, and am in the market for suggestions).

Until next Thursday, dear readers! As always, if you need a fix of me in between updates (which obviously you do because I am awesome)  you can find me on twitter @SnappyErika and I'd love to hear what you make of this sorry excuse of a book now that we're done in the comments.


*Except for Kate who has a really high Will save I guess?
**Have I been NaNoing and writing blog posts at the same time!? No, I managed to get a month's worth of posts done ahead of time. BECAUSE I AM A MACHINE!

50 Shades chapter 21 in which there is a lot of super boring sex.

Last chapter ended with Ana and Grey heading to the playroom, and this chapter opens with them getting down and dirty. It is by far the kinkiest sex they have had yet (nipple clamps, bondage, blindfolding, vibrator, and some anal play all in one session) and guys... I was bored. I can't even snark at it, I just had to force myself to not skip ahead to the end. The only point of note is that Grey commented "These toys you picked are not great for you, we need to start with other things" and swapped things around, and I appreciated him calmly, and without snark, explaining sexy time safety things with her.

After the kinky stuff, they have pretty normal sex, and Ana again is overcome with how much she loves him and how much has happened and once again, immediately after orgasm, starts to cry. Grey is, rightly so, alarmed and confounded. It's all just another chance for them to talk about how much they're in love/complete each other etc etc. More fucking and pillow talk. It's cute enough, but again, boring as hell.

Then Grey vanishes into his office to play some catch up while Ana makes lunch. We find out what the deal with Taylor's daughter last night (stomach bug that his ex thought was appendicitis), are reminded that Ana is going to see Kate in the near future (I am desperately hoping she and Elliot ALSO got engaged, not gonna lie ), and is excited to chat with Ana to tell her that) and then Grey hands Ana the phone. He called Ray.

Ana is, reasonably, pissed that she was not warned, but the conversation between the two, thought totally awkward and unrealistic, is kinda nice. "This is fast, I know he's well-to-do and eligible and everything but... so soon? Are you sure?" to which Ana's response is "He is the only one there ever has been or ever will be for me. He's my happily ever after, hellz yeah" and she sounds a lot like a 14 year old girl in love for the first time. Still, it's kind of sweet that his first concern is "are YOU sure?" and when Ana shows no hesitation, he doesn't fight back and gives his blessing.

So, after lunch, Grey asks Ana why she asked him not to take pictures because that is a really random and specific thing to ask for. Ana confesses she found the pictures.

His eyes widen in shock. “You’ve been in the safe?” he asks, incredulous.
“Safe? No. I didn’t know you had a safe.”

Someone moved them! Leila, he assumes, because those pictures (the women all knew he had them) were his insurance. If they exposed him, well, he had the means to expose them back. Grey offers to shred the pictures, and is off to work, excited when Ana says she'll bake him a cake (he requests chocolate, if anyone was curious).


With Grey gone, Ana calls her Mother, and... I thought my Mom reacted poorly when her first response to "I'm engaged" was to be mad at me for not telling her in person (we lived in different cities) then told me she'd hide it from my Dad so The Boy could ask permission, and then changed the topic from "I just got engaged" to "I'm still house hunting" and started stress crying over not having found the perfect house. That was my Mother's response, and I think Ana's Mother sounds like a downright nightmare. She accuses Ana of being pregnant (because she was knocked up when she got married with Ana), tells her it's too soon (admittedly, it IS), implies she's in it for the money, and starts bawling because her Dad is dead and repeatedly implies that Ana ruined her life to the point Ana point blank ASKS if she did (her Mother naturally tells her no but still, fuck), and then flakes off because her husband is calling. Just--wow. Poor Ana, no wonder she's so confused how to handle attention and affection from others.

Grey is back in the office, and Ana pokes her head in to let him know she's going to the store for some ingredients and he objects to her dress being too short and tells her to put on pants because apparently he's her Mom.

“What if we were at the beach?” I take a different tack.
“We’re not at the beach.”
“Would you object if we were at the beach?”
He considers this for a moment. “No,” he says simply.
I roll my eyes again and smirk at him. “Well, just imagine we are. Laters.” I turn and bolt for the foyer. I make it to the elevator before he catches up with me. As the doors close, I wave at him, grinning sweetly as he watches, helpless—but fortunately amused—with narrowed eyes. He shakes his head in exasperation, then I can see him no more.

Ana then immediately feels INTENSE FEAR because that was ballsy and risky and oh noes he'll be mad and she has so little experience with men! At the same time, she feels that she should be able to wear what ever the crap she wants, and is just conflicted. On route to the store she notices her bank account is 50k above what it should be, but rolls her eyes since this is just her life now. When she gets back, she apologizes, but so does Grey, admitting that she should wear what she wants (which is impressive) and they bone, AGAIN. That's like, the 12th time today. Just, ow. Chafing? No? Not an issue here ever? Okay, then.


There's some cake, they're schmoopy, and then off to his parents' place! Ana is reasonably nervous and excited about telling his family. I admit, I'm shocked (and kind of delighted) he hasn't gotten her a ring yet. I LIKE that he hasn't because you don't see that often, but I'm surprised he doesn't have one for her to show off to his family.

So, they get in, and before they can so much as say hello, Kate, furious, drags them both off to talk to them in private.

“What the fuck is this?” she hisses and waves a piece of paper at me. Completely at a loss, I take it from her and scan it quickly. My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my e-mail response to Christian, discussing the contract.

And that, boys and girls, is the end of chapter 21, and why you don't fucking print off private emails when you have a smartphone! Tune in next Thursday for THE FINAL CHAPTER! As always, comments help ease the liver pain! Till next week!

50 Shades chapter 19 in which Erika is grateful for it being short

This chapter is short. You may have noticed the pattern of short chapters=ones where things actually happen. I feel EL James determines her chapter length by content/when she can have a cliffhanger. I always fucking hated cliffhangers as a kid. They either worked and I read the next chapter (causing me to stay up far later than I should have) or, more commonly, I found them trite. Yet another reason for me to dislike James' writing, I suppose.

Last chapter left off with: CHRISTIAN GREY GOD AMONG MEN HAS GONE MISSING! It's cool, being a super-warlock, was there ever any doubt he'd be back by the end of the chapter? This chapter opens with Ana, nearly catatonic, staring numbly into the fire (isn't it still summer?) while pretty much the entire cast of the book loiters around Grey's apartment being WORRIED and waiting to hear from the cops. Except for Jose, who is just feeling super awkward and worried about Ana AND NO ONE ELSE and Kate who is scouring the news because Grey going missing for less than a day is news worthy. Except that it takes 24-48 hours for the police to declare an adult missing, and how did the media get wind of it?

What ever, these detail are not related to Ana and Grey and their TWU LUV so I shouldn't expect the author to pay them any mind. I should be used to this by now.

So, while Ana stares into the fire SO WORRIED AND SAD she has flashbacks to random one off things Grey has said through out the series so far. I get that James was going for "here is someone devastated" and that's hard to write from a first-person point of view, but... it just isn't well written. Like the rest of this book. WHY DO I STILL EXPECT BETTER INTERNET?

Somewhere, Taylor and Carrick are talking to the authorities who are drip-feeding us information, but it’s all meaningless. The fact is—he’s missing. He’s been missing for eight hours.

Again, 24-48 hours to legally declare someone missing, so I'm shocked the cops are doing ANYTHING. I also find the set up interesting, I skipped the women, but Mia/Grace are crying on the couch, Ana is brain-dead, the boys are around the breakfast bar talking in "hushed tones" and Taylor and Carrick, the head of the family and security guard, are the ones dealing with the news. Kate is the only one who's chosen to be alone (although she has less emotional stake in Grey individually, she is in love with his brother, and THAT should be enough to merit a LOT of concern) and is trying to be proactive in finding news. I didn't catch the gender differences in the behaviors before, but this bit makes me kinda like Kate again. Now I will save you the pages of angst because everyone loved Grey soooo much and skip ahead to when he walks in the front door.

Wait, he just walks the fuck in? Of course he does. And the jack-wagon is surprised everyone is there, and worked up.

His expression is one of utter bewilderment. He deposits his jacket and shoes on the floor in time to catch Grace, who throws her arms around his neck and kisses him hard on the cheek.
“Mom?”
Christian gazes down at her, completely at a loss.
“I thought I’d never see you again,” Grace whispers, voicing our collective fear.
“Mom, I’m here.” I hear the consternation in his voice.

Consternation. He's anxious and dismayed. At his Mom being worried that he was missing.

“I’m here. I’m good. It’s just taken me a hell of a long time to get back from Portland. What’s with the welcoming committee?” He looks up and scans the room until his eyes lock with mine.
He blinks and glances briefly at José, who lets go of my hand. Christian’s mouth tightens.

And yet he still finds time to be threatened and annoyed at another man for being near his woman. At least he's consistently a possessive jackass, right?

Wait, so Grey has been missing with no contact--his helicopter never made it where it was supposed to, right? Why is he SURPRISED that everyone lost their shit? That seems pretty reasonable. In fact, if he was fine this whole time, him not calling seems like a huge fucking dick move.

It would be, except for the fact that the entire book world will bend over backwards to excuse Grey's shitty behavior in the name of plot justification. You see, Grey's phone died, as did the phone of the person with him! So everyone stands around (Jose still being SUPER AWKWARD and Kate is trying to calm down Ana) until Grey tears himself away from his folks to go smell Ana a little bit.

“Hush,” he says and holds me, burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. I raise my tear-stained face to his, and he kisses me far too briefly.
“Hi,” he murmurs.
“Hi,” I whisper back, the lump in the back of my throat burning.
“Miss me?”
“A bit.”
He grins. “I can tell.”

She then starts looking for any injuries on him, frantic and relieved, and this bit I actually kind of like. This actually feel real to me. I can picture Ana, in-between sobs choking out "a bit" in an attempt to keep some humor about the situation, and Grey, grateful for it, playing along and loving her even more for it.

I step back to fetch him something, but he doesn’t let me go. He tucks me under his arm and extends a hand to José.
“Mr. Grey,” says José evenly.
Christian snorts. “Christian, please,” he says.
“Christian, welcome back. Glad you’re okay . . . and um—thanks for letting me stay.”
“No problem.” Christian narrows his eyes

I kind of love this bit. I love that Jose is SO AWKWARD even though he's saying and doing the right things. He had no reason to be there before save for a turn of circumstances, but tried to be there for his friend. Grey makes a show of being dominant, and owning Ana, and Jose still just is polite. I still don't like Jose, but I am enjoying how awkward he is in this chapter, and how Grey is STILL BEING A JACK-WAGON.


He spies Taylor hovering at the entrance and nods. Taylor nods back.
“Your daughter?”
“She’s fine now. False alarm, sir.”
“Good.” Christian smiles.
Daughter? What happened to Taylor’s daughter?

No idea Ana, and we don't get to find out, either! There's also a bit that's kinda nice between Grey and Taylor where they talk to each other like human beings who give a flying fuck about each other. This is to really explain how Grey was able to end up in a spot of trouble. WHAT HAPPENED? you ask? His helicopter exploded into an inferno and went plummeting to the ground! Grey was saved only by the liberal use of his dark magic powers! Or they happened to be flying low when BOTH engines burst into flames (Carrick makes a big deal out of this being suspicious and weird). Grey and Ros (business associate, I assume she's blond) put the fire out but they couldn't flick the electronics back on because fire.

"GPS was still working on the Blackberry, so I was able to navigate to the nearest road. Took us four hours to walk there. Ros was in heels.” Christian’s mouth presses into a disapproving flat line.
“We had no cell reception. There’s no coverage at Gifford. Ros’s battery died first. Mine dried up on the way.”

Wait--wouldn't the GPS not work if there was no signal? I don't own a smartphone, but I'm pretty sure it's the same signal your phone uses for GPS as it does for, well, calls.


“We hitched and pooled our resources. Between us, Ros and I had six hundred dollars, and we thought we’d have to bribe someone to drive us back, but a truck driver stopped and agreed to bring us home. He refused the money and shared his lunch with us.” Christian shakes his head in dismay at the memory. “Took forever. He didn’t have a cell—weird, but true. I didn’t realize.” He stops, gazing at his family.
“That we’d worry?” Grace scoffs.

So, I'm just saying, they could have ordered their own damned lunch, gotten a ride to the nearest bus or train station, bought tickets home, as well as a new pay-as-you-go garbage phone and some minutes to let everyone know they weren't dead for that amount. Or, you know, called one of their assistants to have someone come get them? THIS WHOLE SCENARIO IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY! And seriously? Grey actually assumed no one would notice or care he was gone? I get that he thinks he's totally unloved, but he has to be aware of his status within the business world. Going missing would make the news, and he's surprised by that, too. No, the reason he was too busy to stop and make a call to let people know he wasn't dead (or get a bus ticket) was because he was anxious to get back since Jose was there that night.

It has taken me far too long to find a .gif like this.

So, everyone starts to clear out because it is late as hell, and we get this.

“I was so worried, darling,” she whispers.
“I’m okay, Mom.”
She leans back and studies him intently while he holds her. “Yes. I think you are,” she says slowly, glances at me, and smiles. I flush.

GET IT GET IT BECAUSE ANA HAS RESCUED HIM FROM HIS DARK AND TRAGIC PAST YOU GUYS! Because naturally that is what any Mother would be thinking in this moment.

So Kate tells Ana that she's glad Grey is safe (for her sake) and that Ana seems happy and they'll talk tomorrow when she's not so exhausted and is off. I'm curious how this book would be going down if Kate had been around for it before this point.

“Yeah, Mrs. Jones, she showed me earlier. Quite a place you have here, Christian.”
“Thank you,” Christian says politely as he comes to stand beside me, placing his arm around my shoulders. Leaning over, he kisses my hair.
“I’m going to eat whatever Mrs. Jones has put out for me. Goodnight, José.” Christian wanders back into the great room, leaving José and me at the entrance.
Wow! Left alone with José.
“Well, goodnight.” José looks uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Because it's only now that he starts to be awkward. Also, REALLY GREY? You can't go seven seconds without being possessive?  In their moment being left alone, Jose says he's glad she's happy and if she needs him, he's there for her and goes to bed. It's meant to have some notes of HE LOVES HER SO MUCH ISN'T IT SAD? But Jose has had so little page time in this book, and been so inappropriate when he has, that I just can't muster any fucks to give.

“I need to put my jacket down,” he murmurs.
“Drop it,” I murmur against his lips.
“I can’t.”
I lean back to gaze up at him, puzzled.
He smirks at me. “This is why.” From the inside breast pocket he pulls out the small box I gave him, containing my present.

"Good thing I gave you that Fabergé egg to carry around for the last few days!" Figuring it's his birthday, she tells him to open the MYSTERY PRESENT. Which is....

His brow creases as he fishes out a small, rectangular, plastic keychain bearing a picture made up of tiny pixels that flash on and off like an LED screen. It depicts the Seattle skyline, focusing on the Space Needle, with the word SEATTLE written boldly across the landscape, flashing on and off.
He stares at it for a moment and then gazes at me bemused, a frown marring his lovely brow.

HAH PSYCHE SHE JUST GOT HIM A FLASHING KEYCHAIN! Except it says "yes" in flashing letters on the other side (is this a thing that can be done? I've seen key-chains that you can have your name put on back, but never flashing ones. Internet, help me out.) because SHE IS AGREEING TO MARRY HIM! Yeah, even with the caps I can't muster an iota of surprise. I could put the actual scene here, but it's boring, so I'll write you a better one.

"Happy birthday Grey! Your present is my ongoing servitude me!" I said, eyes beaming.

His super sexy eyes twinkled, "Good," he murmured sexily, "because the dark lord needs his sacrifice, baby. Laters."

And that is the end of this chapter! Sound off in the comments, and we'll see you next week!

("The dark lord" is what he calls his penis.)

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 17 brought to you by Chris!

Hi all! Erika here! This weeks chapter is brought to you by the brave (and probably as he wrote it very drunk) Chris! He, like The Boy, went in knowing basically nothing about the book, simply the hype around it (and my occasional drunken rants). I knew it would be good when he e-mailed me the file and titled it "Chris50sharts". Be sure to show him (and his liver) lots of love in the comments since I am a bad friend and let him do this!

Hey everybody! My name is Chris, and I’m a bit late with the delivery of this blog post to Erika. See, over a week ago, I offered up my services in writing a blog post for Erika’s blog. I wanted to see if I could get some creative type writing done. This type of “creative” writing is great because it doesn’t involve any type of particular creativity, it’s mostly just opinions and the arrangements of said opinions, and I got opinions o’ plenty!

And so, I read this here chapter of 50 Shades in order to garner some opinions. I was already partially buzzed by the time I started, but this did not aid in the long and tedious journey to the end of the passage. Eventually, by using every fiber of strength in my body, by god, I finished the chapter. I contemplated various forms of suicide and mental castration in hopes that I could preserve my sanity, but luckily, I kept it together for you, dear reader.

I began to write. By golly, I got over 600 words down into my computer when I thought “Gee, how long is a usual post on the world famous somethingshortandsnappy blog?” What I found was not pleasing to my sloth-like ways. 3,000 words! What have I gotten myself into? Again, ideas of suicide and mental castration - more preposterous than the ideas before - mingled their way between thoughts of shock and awe.

NO! I won’t give up! I told my friend I would help and I will do exactly that! I’ll hand it in super late, but, by George, I’ll hand it in! It might get incoherent by the end, but it will be a long-form blog post! Quantity and quality in equal measures are the order the day!

(There, that inflated the word count.)

Let’s do this thang Erika-style, shall we?

BUTTSBUTTSBU-Hold on. I got to switch gears here.

So this here is 50 Shades, eh? I’ve heard this is a sexy sex book about people doing “it” or whatever. I’m pumped to read it! Sex is funny but also sexy. I like to laugh with my boners because laughing at my boners just makes them self-conscious. Let’s dive right in to some raunchy stuff, shall we?

Hmm.

Christian is nuzzling my neck as I slowly wake.

Aw yeah, starting off with the slow stuff. I hope they take their time reaching the “climax”.

I stretch out beside him, relishing his touch, and feel his erection against my behind. Oh my. A Christian Grey wake-up call.

Looks like George Takei showed up. If Sex Ed. taught me anything, it’s that erections lead to sex, so this should be getting good any sex-ond now!

“Sleep well?” he asks as his fingers continue their sensual torture. He’s smiling down at me—his dazzling, all-American-drop-dead-male-model-perfect-teeth smile. He takes my breath away.

Can’t-wait-for-descriptions-of-all-American-penetration.

My hips begin to sway to the rhythm of the dance his fingers have begun. He kisses me chastely on the lips and then moves down my neck, nipping slowly, kissing, and sucking as he goes. I moan. He’s gentle and his touch is light and heavenly. His intrepid fingers move down, and slowly he eases one inside me, hissing quietly in awe.

His fingers were hissing quietly? Lady, it doesn’t matter at what volume his fingers hiss, the man has a case of “snake fingers” and needs to see a doctor immediately. This condition is not as sexy as it sounds. You know what, I want to see you guys do the horizontal mambo. Go to the doctor’s after your morning tryst.

“Hmm,” he growls softly and raises his head to give me a blazing gray-eyed look. “I want you now.” He reaches over to the bedside table. He shifts on top of me, taking his weight on his elbows, and rubs his nose along mine while easing my legs apart with his. He kneels up and rips open the foil packet.

Oh, foil packet! It’s either a condom or a pack of Magic cards. Either way, we’re so close to the sexing!

“Not now. There’s a time and a place for giggling. This is neither. I need to stop you, and I think I know how,” he says ominously, and his body covers mine.

I hope she was laughing with his boner. Anywho, mister handsome seems to be making his move…

“What would you like for breakfast, Ana?”

WHAT?! I thought this was embarrassingly lude best seller 50 Shades of Porking, not some kids movie from the 1930’s. I was hoping for play-by-play detail of every thrust, every moan, every accidental fart – instead I get a star-wipe to the kitchen! Oh well, who can resist early morning kitchen sex – not these two, I bet.

“I’ll just have some granola. Thank you, Mrs. Jones.”

WHOA WHOA, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, GUYS.

I flush as I take my place at the breakfast bar beside Christian. The last time I set eyes on the very prim and proper Mrs. Jones, I was being unceremoniously dragged into the bedroom over Christian’s shoulder.

A toilet in their kitchen?! Now I’ve seen everything! Also, maybe we will get flashback sex – flashback sex is almost preferable because it takes all the best parts of the sexing and edits out all the accidental farts (unless they were sexy accidental farts, if you’re into that sort of thing). Hmm, I just read a bit ahead, and she just describes what she’s wearing and they talk about work. It’s like a really boring Facebook post.

There’s a jump after breakfast and it goes into either a driving lesson or the least sexy metaphor for sex since “bumpin’ uglies”.

“So, the key goes here.” Christian points out the ignition beneath the gearshift.

The next bit is spent with all-American-frown-dude letting the narrator drive her new car. It’s pretty boring. She talks to him, he frowns, she turns on the radio, he frowns, she crashes head-on into oncoming traffic, he dies then frowns. Okay, I made that last one up, but a guy can dream. I’m still waiting for some porking.

After she gets to work without them having any sort of sexing at all (what the hell?) they talk about some dude they’re seeing after work.

“Don’t forget we’re seeing Flynn at seven this evening,” he says as he holds his hand out to me. I press the remote door lock and take his hand.

“I won’t forget. I’ll compile a list of questions for him.”

I was confused by this, but I later found out that this Flynn character was, unfortunately, not the owner of an arcade, but some kind of therapist. This story could really use a light-cycle scene.

I think they start making reference to a marriage proposal – I don’t really know. What I do know is that our author had the balls to write this sentence:

“Christian, this has all been so quick. And by your own admission, you’re fifty shades of fucked-up. I can’t give you what you need,” I mutter.

Hahaha. I might be missing something here, but making reference to your book title is like wearing your own band’s t-shirt. Maybe you writer folks can tell me if this is actually faux-pas. Anyway, he escorts her into her office.

“Come,” he orders, holding out his hand.

It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder why anyone would want to be anywhere near this guy. It’s frustrating to read to this book on a lot of levels: the main characters are horrible people, it’s not particularly well-written, the story (when not sexy, I assume) is extremely boring, and to top it all off, there’s no Batman! Why on earth would anyone want to read a story that doesn’t feature Batman? It’s this list that makes me realize how brave Erika is for taking on such a soul-sucking project like this. Kudos, Erika, I will lend you some Batman comics when this is all over and it will improve your quality of life greatly.

So, our narrator heads to work. Let me tell you folks, the next 1000 pages of the story are of our narrator getting promoted and then not doing any work at all. Yes, she’s a model worker.

Actually, this sounds like something out of a document the CIA published in the 1950’s called “Simple Sabotage.” The idea is that you can oppose your government and throw a metaphorical wrench in the works by attacking things from the inside using by inconspicuous methods. Here’s my favorite example of one of the methods:

Managers and Supervisors: To lower morale and production, be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.

I think someone is trying to bring this place down from the inside!

There is one relatively interesting section where it goes into full on email mode. Her and All-frown are emailing (they could be texting or IMing, but no, they’re emailing like a couple of Amish people) back and forth, and it shows the conversation in an email type format.

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Megalomaniac . . .
Date: June 16, 2011 15:43
To: Christian Grey

. . . is my favorite type of maniac. Thank you for the beautiful flowers. They’ve arrived in a huge wicker basket that makes me think of picnics and blankets.

x

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Fresh Air
Date: June 16, 2011 15:55
To: Anastasia Steele

Maniac, eh? Dr. Flynn may have something to say about that.You want to go on a picnic?We could have fun in the great outdoors, Anastasia . . .How is your day going, baby?

Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

I like how there’s some minor formatting errors ‘cause normal people don’t have time to write things out correctly on the computer, don’t you know. Anyway, this whole section sort of reminds me of some the stylistic experimentation Melville uses in Moby Dick.

JUST KIDDING. I’ve seen this stuff in my sister’s book’s for teenagers. To its credit, however, it is quicker to read than the other regular passages, and it does break up the overwhelming monotony of not having any sex.

Seriously guys, I am disappointed.

So the book continues on at its snail’s pace. Christian comes to pick our narrator up at work, she describes how he looks – this is, by the way, the 10^th or so description of someone’s manner of dress. I guess this sort of thing is important? Maybe I just read books where people wear the same clothes every day.

Anyway, they head to the non-arcade-owning therapist (worst kind of therapist) for someone character exposition, or something? I don’t know. This is so boring.

“The technical term is SFBT—sorry.” He smiles. “That stands for Solution-Focused Brief Therapy. Essentially, it’s goal oriented. We concentrate on where Christian wants to be and how to get him there. It’s a dialectical approach. There’s no point in breast-beating about the past—all that’s been picked over by every physician, psychologist, and psychia trist Christian’s ever seen. We know why he’s the way he is, but it’s the future that’s impor tant. Where Christian envisages himself, where he wants to be. It took you walking out on him to make him take this form of therapy seriously. He realizes that his goal is a loving relationship with you. It’s that simple, and that’s what we’re working on now. Of course there are obstacles—his haphephobia for one.”

Yup, he’s damaged goods. To sum it up, the good doktor tries to pass our narrator off as someone special, someone who’s making a difference in All-frown’s life, and that All-frown isn’t so bad and he’s changing, and blah-blah-blah. I need a drink. 

This is a book about horrible people doing horrible things and indulging in horrible fantasies. “He’s broken but you’re fixing him.” This is the type of abusive relationship fantasy that makes this book somewhat dangerous. When it indulges in concepts such as this, this book is no longer just harmless fun. I’m no expert, but I would think that if you were in an abusive relationship, a goal would be to get out of that relationship. If this book were trying to help people, it might help people identify the type of relationship they’re in, and maybe give them some impetuous to perhaps escape their relationship. This book doesn’t do any of that; it shamelessly sells this delusional fantasy. I hope I was able to express myself clearly. It’s an extremely frustrating to watch two people (even fictional ones) engage in this type of behavior.

DEEP BREATH.

To refute myself a bit, this is the only chapter I’ve read to completion, so the claims I’ve made of central themes to these novels may be completely false. Heck, I may be reading into this stuff myself.

Oh, and “haphephobia” unfortunately isn’t a special disease that will cause All-frown to violently spontaneously combust, killing all of the main characters, and thus, abruptly ending this story (and, in turn, my suffering) but it is actually a fear of being touched. Not sexing, though, he sexes without touch. It must be like that future-sex in Demolition Man. Great, now the main characters look, in my mind’s eye, like Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone.

After the extremely boring session at the doctor’s office, they have an extremely irritating car argument (cargument). Some dude named Jose calls our narrator, and this makes All-frown frown, and then All-frown won’t let the narrator drive and I want to kick them both in the shins. They fight and make up. Their relationship sucks.

UUUIUUGH, everything sucks.

I went from being expectantly frisky, to disappointment, to disgust. 

I wish I had something to conclude this, some sort of way to make this funny, but I can’t. This book sucks and it’s no fun.

You can follow Chris on twitter @Buzzopolis

50 Shades Darker Chapter 15 brought to you by the brave Alex!

Hello! I'm Alex, otherwise known as Editor #2, or Mad Scientist Alex. I'll be filling in for Erika this week, as she's moving and may or may not have Internet again by the time this is supposed to be posted. I was originally tasked to do Chapter 14, but Erika decided that it would be far too cruel and inhumane and took it upon herself. Apparently I dodged an artillery shell there, as I have heard that Chapter 15 is far more humane. Let's find out if that's the case! Onward!

The chapter begins with a very short scene of Grey following Ana into the bathroom, and attempting to console her. This, of course, means that Erika lost last week's bet, since this wasn't even close to seven seconds into the scene. It was more like zero. They end up cuddling on the bathroom floor while Ana cries herself out. After forever, Grey carries Ana off to bed and they go to sleep.

I'm not entirely sure why this scene warrants being the start of a new chapter. It's a mere three very short paragraphs that I think would have fit better as the end of the last chapter, rather than being the start of a new one. I suppose that it makes Ana's storming off to the bathroom at the of the last chapter seem much more dramatic and important than it actually was.

Ana wakes up with a headache after a dark and troubled sleep. She decides to go on a quest for Advil. Her first challenge is freeing herself from Grey, who's wrapped himself around her like a vine! A short, uneventful struggle later, Ana has freed herself from Grey's entanglement and makes her way to the kitchen. There she finds the objective of her long quest, as well as some orange juice. While waiting for the precious headache relief to kick in, she wanders over to the window to enjoy the view from Grey's fortress. While gazing out on city of Seattle at night, Ana contemplates moving in with Grey, marrying Grey, and finally Grey's Oedipus Complex.

My smile fades. I look like his mother. This wounds me, deeply, and the air leaves my lungs in a rush. We all look like his mom.

Taken out of context, that last line amuses me more than it probably should.

It's probably inaccurate to refer to Grey's issue as an Oedipus Complex, since what he really seems to be doing is using BDSM as a means of living out his fantasy of beating his negligent crack whore mom. However, his love of Ana does seem to be fairly well grounded in it, as, in contrast to his mom, she's “good and pure”. I guess that makes Ana some sort of surrogate mother figure for Grey? What about his adoptive mother? Alright. I'm done with this paragraph and don't want to dig any deeper into this mess. Onward!

I lied, one more thing on this: I am surprised that Ana, with all the unnecessary literary references she made in the first book hasn't made any references to Oedipus herself yet.

Ana once again contemplates getting more information from Dr. Flynn. Considering that its come up a few times in past entries, I can only assume that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for Ana's eventual meeting with Dr. Flynn. I have to admit, I am somewhat curious to see how terrible that scene is.

Ana's reverie is suddenly interrupted by a terrifying scream! Has one of Grey's warlock pets escaped? Has Grey's Dark Master from Beyond torn its way into reality to claim Ana's soul? Did someone witness the Grey's Dark God's arrival in this world and gone mad from his inability to comprehend this nightmarish being's horrific glory?

Nope. It's just Grey having a nightmare that Ana left him. Wasn't that the end of the last book? Was the entire first book really just a nightmare Grey had? That would explain the scream. Anyway, Ana consoles him and naturally they have sex, but with a twist! Grey gives Ana permission to touch him in his special areas*! A shocking development, I'm sure.

“Don’t ever leave me,” he whispers, and I roll my eyes in the full knowledge that he can’t see me.

“I know you’re rolling your eyes at me,” he murmurs, and I hear the trace of humor in his voice.

“You know me well,” I murmur.

“I’d like to know you better.”

“Back at you, Grey.[...]”

Now, maybe I'm just old fashioned, but that seems to be the sort of question you ask someone before you ask them to marry you.

Anyway, Ana asks Grey about his nightmare, and he opens up, explaining that he was reliving his memories of when he was three, and his mom's pimp used him to put out cigarettes because he couldn't find an ashtray, and how Grey is angry that she didn't do anything to protect him. I can understand Grey's anger here. If you allow people to smoke in your apartment, it's only polite to provide them with an ashtray, otherwise you risk getting burn marks in your carpet, furniture or children.

“Sometimes in the dreams she’s just lying on the floor. And I think she’s asleep. But she doesn’t move. She never moves. And I’m hungry. Really hungry.”

And here's Grey's most traumatic memory again. This piece of Grey's characterization always annoys me. He considers food to be super-important, to the point that he wants to micromanage his Sub's diets because he spent three days starving alone in an apartment, AND YET HE CANNOT COOK FOR HIMSELF. Now, I have life threatening food allergies, as a result I consider having the ability to cook my own meals critically important, since it greatly reduces my chances of accidental death and/or hospitalization and/or misery. Now, I'm not a Food Wizard by any means, but I do take pride that I've lived twenty seven years and never had to resort to eating KD. I can only imagine that someone who starved for three days because he was unable to fend for himself, would consider it important to be able to fend for himself. I certainly wouldn't expect Grey to be a Food Warlock or even a master chef (although he would be), but I certainly expect him to know how to cut a god damn pepper.

“You are so precious to me, Ana. I was serious about marrying you. We can get to know each other then. I can look after you. You can look after me. We can have kids if you want. I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever. Please think about it.”

And further proof that Grey is a Warlock and/or Necromancer.

Grey goes on to talk a bit more about how loveless his childhood was, and how his mother's pimp would beat him. Ana asks if that's the reason he doesn't like to be touched, and he tells her that its complicated, but that Dr. Flynn could explain better. Naturally, this leads Ana to asking if she could talk to Dr. Flynn, and Grey agrees and then tells her to go back to sleep.

Ana rushes to get ready to go to work in the morning, while Grey tries to convince her to call in sick instead. Surprisingly, she does somehow manage to make it out the door, and gets a ride to work from Taylor. Despite Taylor driving like a Meatloaf album, Ana still arrives late. Her boss is in a foul mood, and while she's supposed to be typing up a barely legible letter for her boss she instead starts an e-mail conversation with Grey, who has to remind her three times that she owns a Blackberry and not to use the company e-mail for private correspondence.

As soon as she picks up her Blackberry, she gets a call from José, who shockingly hadn't fallen off the planet, and agrees to talk to him soon, after she's talked to Grey about it. Still, she takes a moment to pause and reflect on Grey's double standard:

So, I could spend the evening with José on Friday. How will Christian like that? I become aware that I am biting my lip till it hurts. Oh, that man has double standards. He can—I shudder at the thought—bathe his batshit ex-lover, but I will probably get a truck­load of grief for wanting to have a drink with José. How am I going to handle this?

Ana's reverie is interrupted by Jack reminding her that she's supposed to be actually doing work. She quickly finishes typing up that letter, does a terrible job and Jack makes her redo it, and get him another coffee while she's at it. After numerous trials and tribulations, Ana eventually succeeds in typing the letter and getting it photocopied. Ethan calls and asks if he can stop by and get his keys back from Ana. He does so. Jack sends Ana out to get him something for lunch. Ana begins to regret not skipping work and staying home with Grey.

On her way out, she finally checks her messages on her Blackberry and discovers she has a collection of unchecked messages from Grey. Including this winner:

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Discretion

Date: June 15, 2011 09:50

To: Anastasia Steele

Is the better part of valor.Please use discretion . . . your work e-mails are monitored.HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?Yes. Shouty capitals as you say. USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.Dr. Flynn can see us tomorrow evening.xChristian GreyStill Pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Good old shouty capitals. Ana calls Grey, as he was beginning to get worried in his more recent messages, and is shocked to get his receptionist, as Grey is in a meeting. Ana leaves a message with the receptionist, only for her to recognize Ana's name and forward her to Grey regardless. Ana eases Grey's fears, complains about work and makes arrangements to be picked up by him after she finishes work. Ana completes her quest and gets lunch for Jack from the deli and returns to work and delivers lunch.

He is scowling when I get back.

“Is it okay if I take my lunch now?” I ask tentatively. He gazes up at me and his scowl deepens.

“If you must,” he snaps. “Forty-five minutes. Make up the time you lost this morning.”

“Jack, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“You seem, kind of out of sorts today. Have I done something to offend you?”

He blinks at me momentarily. “I don’t think I’m in the mood to list your misdemeanors right now. I’m busy.” He continues to stare at his computer screen, effectively dismissing me.

Whoa . . . What have I done?

Well, there was all those typos and spelling errors you made in the first draft of that letter... Ana leaves to go and find lunch of her own.

My mind drifts. Christian the sadist. Christian the submissive. Christian the untouch­able. Christian’s oedipal impulses. Christian bathing Leila. I groan and close my eyes while that last image haunts me.

There we go! Ana's long overdue reference to Oedipus! Ana spends the next few paragraphs thinking about Grey, making more allusions to Greek mythology, and wondering if she can provide him with the unconditional love that a warlock of his calibre deserves, nay, is entitled to! Ana hopes that Dr. Flynn can provide her with the answer to that question. Then, and only then, can she know if she'll be able to spend her life with Grey.

Having lost track of time, Ana returns to work late from lunch. Jack, still in a foul mood, assigns more work to her, asks her to stay late and makes her get him another coffee. The fiend, expecting work from his employees. How dare he!

Around 4, Mia shows up and informs Ana that Grey's birthday is on Saturday and that she's organizing a party for him. Of course Grey hasn't told her that his birthday is coming up soon. Let alone that it was on the upcoming weekend.

“Cool.” My mind is in a flat spin—what the hell am I going to get Christian for his birthday? What do you buy the man who has everything?

I heard a great joke that used “What do you buy for a person who has everything” as the setup, but I cannot remember what the punchline was. It's going to bug me for the rest of the day now.

Grey and Ana have another e-mail discussion. Ana teases Grey about getting old and asks him what she can get him for his birthday. She informs Grey that she's been asked to work late, and asks Grey to come and pick her up around 6:30.

The end of the day approaches, and Ana has everything ready for her boss' trip to New York. While waiting for him to finish on the phone so she can deliver the last of the documents, she wanders over to the break room to loot the communal cookie jar. Before she can claim one of the delicious cookies within, her boss appears, closing the break room door behind him!

He stares at me. “Well, Ana, I think this might be a good time to discuss your misde­meanors.” He steps in, closing the door behind him, and my mouth instantly dries as alarm bells ring loud and piercing in my head.

Oh fuck.

His lips twitch into a grotesque smile, and his eyes gleam a deep, dark cobalt. “At last, I have you on your own,” he says, and he slowly licks his lower lip.

What?

“Now . . . are you going to be a good girl and listen very carefully to what I say?”

And now we've reached the shocking cliffhanger! Is this the SHOCKING PLOT TWIST that everyone saw coming? Was Jack Hyde secretly a Creepy Boss all along? Or is he just here to teach her how to type properly? Perhaps he's only upset because he caught her with her hand, literally, in the cookie jar? I don't know. I'll leave that for Erika to find out!

Wow. I survived an entire chapter and didn't even need to bust out the whatnapple. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved. That's it from me for now! Next week, we will return to your regularly scheduled Erika in Chapter 16 of Fifty Shades Darker!

*This might be the only time that phrase was used in reference to sex, but not as an innuendo.