50 Shades Chapter 20 in which meh

I talk a lot about the fact that Grey is a fantasy I struggle to get. I struggle to get it because to me, it is so abusive and clingy* that I'm too hung up on those facts to see anything else. Ana Mardoll, who does an awesome (and very, very in depth) analysis of Twilight recently did a great break down on the fantasy of Edward Cullen, and Edward and Grey were initially the same character. What struck me as I nodded along was the point she makes about how "We are never invited to see Edward as real", because glittering vampire. Grey is described in many of the same terms, "perfect Greek god", but Grey is meant to be larger than life, while Edward is... not alive. Grey's actions also tend to go further than Edward's. He doesn't just watch Ana when she sleeps, he actively tracks her. He has people watching her at work. He bought the company she works for and Ana herself finds it all too much often enough. So unlike with Bella and Edward where we aren't invited to think of them as real, and Bella always sees it as sweet, we are invited to see Grey as real, and Ana isn't always comfortable with his actions. That makes it even harder for me to look past the icky parts of what he does.

Edward's bad behavior can be explained away with "He's a hella old vampire"**. The hand wave we're provided with for Grey stalking Ana after she bluntly and repeatedly asks him to stop is... he was traumatized as a child and is affected in very specific and unrealistic ways. You may ask, "Wait, you're okay with vampires, but childhood trauma is unrealistic?" Vampires are supposed to be fantasy, we're presented with Grey's back story as reasonable justification for him being a shithead which is so much bullshit I can't even.

So, with those thoughts that were bouncing around in my head out, let's get going on chapter 20! Chapter 19 ended with Ana agreeing to marry Grey after he failed to call and say "By the way, totes not dead!" after someone sabotaged his helicopter (not that they've told us yet, but come on). Sounds like solid husband material to me***. I mean, who wants their husband to check in when he may be in danger? Next he'll think to do things like let you know he'll be home late from work, or he won't be home for dinner, or is going out for drinks and ask if you want to come out! Who wants to deal with that?

After some spinning and giggling because they're just SO HAPPY YAY Grey realizes that Ana gave him the key chain when he was begging for an answer!

“I can’t believe you left me hanging.” His whisper is laced with disbelief. His expression alters subtly, his eyes gleaming wickedly, his mouth twitching into a carnal smile.
Holy hell. A thrill runs through me. What’s he thinking?
“I believe some retribution is in order, Miss Steele,” he says softly.

Just once I would like Grey's response to Ana exercising agency or free will NOT to be to "punish" her. Just once. He is so threatened by Ana doing anything other than bending to his whims that he must now immediately reassert his dominance by throwing her over his shoulder like a fucking cave man and dragging her to the shower to douse her, clothes and all, in cold water as punishment. No, really.

“Christian!” I scold loudly—his intent is now clear.
He switches the water on at max. Jeez! Arctic water spurts over my backside, and I squeal—then stop, mindful once more that José is above us. It’s cold and I’m fully clothed. The chilling water soaks into my dress, my panties, and my bra. I’m drenched and I cannot stop giggling.

I sometimes wonder how much shit I could make up before people would start questioning me, but then you guys sometimes are all "Y-you made that bit up, right? Right?" for things that actually happen, and realize the answer is "very little". So they start fooling around in the shower because that is what you do after you get engaged and your new fiancee drenches you for the sake of showing you who's boss.


My hands move involuntarily to his shirt as it clings to every line and sinew of his chest, revealing the hair scrunched beneath the white wetness.

I did a double take at "white wetness" thinking he had made a mess of his own shirt. Apparently not. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

His lips become more insistent, more provocative, his tongue invading my mouth—and my body explodes with desire.

He planted a sexy bomb in her mouth with his tongue?

I tug his shirt hard, ripping it open. The buttons fly everywhere, ricocheting off the tiles and disappearing onto the shower floor

I am shocked it has taken this long for buttons to go flying, to be honest. Also, I'm not the only person who pictures someone letting a pair of breasts free in the wild when they read the phrase "freeing my breasts" right? Because that line is all over the damned place.

and push my breasts into his magical hands.

See? Warlock. Also: Seriously sounds like she just popped the suckers off and is all "HERE YA GO HONEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Oh yes! It’s so arousing. My inner goddess has resurfaced after her evening of rocking and weeping in the corner, and she’s wearing harlot-red lipstick.


1) "It's so arousing."? Even you don't sound sold on it Ana.
2) What the fuck is "harlot-red"?

I love him so much, and I’m suddenly overcome by the enormity of my love and the depth of my commitment to him. I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him—a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.

So, "Jesus fuck he nearly died and I love him so much" prompts orgasms and crying. Just:

After they finish boning they talk about how much they love each other and how scared they both were that maybe he would die because he was actually in lots of danger earlier and lied so his parents wouldn't freak out!

They go to bed, and Ana (rightly) tells him off for being a huge wank by NOT calling because he was super eager to get back since Jose was around and apparently he didn't trust Ana to not hop on his meat-pogo? She doesn't comment on the trust issue, though she should. It dissolved into "You asshat you're loved! Stop being a dickhead!" and Grey actually responds well by apologizing and realizing that he honestly panicked people and that is Not Cool even if your girlfriend who has a magical cooter is hanging out with other men and you are afraid that if they touch her cooter the black magic you've been dumping in there will cause a giant explosion.

And on to the next morning!

He looks much younger when he’s asleep, and I grin because today he’s a whole year older.

No, he's a whole day older.


Ana goes off to make Grey breakfast, and remembers Jose is still there when she finds him eating cereal at the breakfast bar. She taunts him by offering a "real" breakfast and Jose asks a bit about their relationship, and cracks a joke that she loves him because of his money. Ana, reasonably, isn't so thrilled by this.

“Hey, Ana, just kidding.”
Hmm . . . will I always have this leveled at me? That I’m marrying Christian for his money?
“Seriously, I’m kidding. You’ve never been that kind of girl.”
“Omelet good for you?” I ask, changing the subject. I don’t want to argue.

HEY LOOK I FOUND ONE OF THE THEMES FOR THE NEXT BOOK! [WW: I hoped it would be omelets but she's probably right that it's marrying Grey for his houses full of money.]Also, I find it very odd that Ana says "I don't want to argue" when he's basically taken back his tactless statement and is putting up no reason FOR them to argue. We haven't seen Ana really interact with anyone besides Grey and Jack in this book, so it's kind of interesting to see the reminder of "Right, she thinks people are constantly attacking/prying into her life". Which makes her responses to Grey all the more bizarre since he actually does do those things. 

So Grey turns up wearing his PJ bottoms that he knows makes Ana all hot and bothered because apparently she has about as much control over herself as a teenage boy (further proof Grey is using black magic) and there is even more bullshit posturing where Grey has to assert his dominance and ownership of Ana. God, when he buys her a ring she won't be able to lift her hand, the diamond will be so big. Not because Grey will want to flaunt his wealth, but because he will want to make it impossible for anyone to miss the thing. It's going to be a goddamned collar. He might as well just pee on her while making steely, unrelenting eye contact with Jose.

In a move of passive aggressiveness through civility, Grey chats Jose up. Jose talks about his and Ana's dads being BFFs and comments that he's going fishing with them. From here the two find something to gush about (fishing) and exclude Ana from the conversation entirely. When he leaves Grey maintains he still wants in Ana's panties (because women love being told that their friends are only their friends because they want to have sex with them) but is less hostile and territorial.

“You didn’t tell him we were getting married.”
“No. I figured I ought to tell Mom and Ray first.” Shit. It’s the first time I’ve thought about this since I said yes. Jeez—what are my parents going to say?
Christian nods. “Yes, you’re right. And I . . . um, I should ask your father.”
I laugh. “Oh, Christian—this isn’t the eighteenth century.”
Holy shit. What will Ray say? The thought of that conversation fills me with horror.
“It’s traditional.” Christian shrugs.

So Grey is the type to do things simply because that's how they're done, but aims to create new, safer, and more green tech constantly? And ignored his fiancee's open horror at the idea of him asking to own her? Siiiigh.

So Ana then gives him his birthday presents. Because apparently ownership of her wasn't even hers to give! One is a solar powered toy helicopter (which is kinda cute) and the other is the equivalent of sex coupons as she asks him to take her to the playroom.

After some hesitation, and pressing that she's okay with it, they head there and that is the end of chapter 20. Soon! SOON THIS BOOK WILL BE OVER!

Come back Sunday for the next Ender's Game post, next Thursday for the next 50 Shades, and as always, share your thoughts on this fluster cuck in the comments!



*I have FEELINGS on independence within relationships. To the point that Will makes fun of me for splitting apart compound words, claiming it is my deep seated desire that everyone needs their own space that causes me to do it. "NO! BE YOUR OWN WORDS!" [WW note: In proofing this very post I had to reunite several forcibly separated compounds.  She's seriously hardline on this.]
**I do not think this is a valid explanation, mind you, but we're talking about fantasies.
*** The Boy has promised to always keep me up to date on the level of exploding his plane experiences when flying.

50 Shades chapter 19 in which Erika is grateful for it being short

This chapter is short. You may have noticed the pattern of short chapters=ones where things actually happen. I feel EL James determines her chapter length by content/when she can have a cliffhanger. I always fucking hated cliffhangers as a kid. They either worked and I read the next chapter (causing me to stay up far later than I should have) or, more commonly, I found them trite. Yet another reason for me to dislike James' writing, I suppose.

Last chapter left off with: CHRISTIAN GREY GOD AMONG MEN HAS GONE MISSING! It's cool, being a super-warlock, was there ever any doubt he'd be back by the end of the chapter? This chapter opens with Ana, nearly catatonic, staring numbly into the fire (isn't it still summer?) while pretty much the entire cast of the book loiters around Grey's apartment being WORRIED and waiting to hear from the cops. Except for Jose, who is just feeling super awkward and worried about Ana AND NO ONE ELSE and Kate who is scouring the news because Grey going missing for less than a day is news worthy. Except that it takes 24-48 hours for the police to declare an adult missing, and how did the media get wind of it?

What ever, these detail are not related to Ana and Grey and their TWU LUV so I shouldn't expect the author to pay them any mind. I should be used to this by now.

So, while Ana stares into the fire SO WORRIED AND SAD she has flashbacks to random one off things Grey has said through out the series so far. I get that James was going for "here is someone devastated" and that's hard to write from a first-person point of view, but... it just isn't well written. Like the rest of this book. WHY DO I STILL EXPECT BETTER INTERNET?

Somewhere, Taylor and Carrick are talking to the authorities who are drip-feeding us information, but it’s all meaningless. The fact is—he’s missing. He’s been missing for eight hours.

Again, 24-48 hours to legally declare someone missing, so I'm shocked the cops are doing ANYTHING. I also find the set up interesting, I skipped the women, but Mia/Grace are crying on the couch, Ana is brain-dead, the boys are around the breakfast bar talking in "hushed tones" and Taylor and Carrick, the head of the family and security guard, are the ones dealing with the news. Kate is the only one who's chosen to be alone (although she has less emotional stake in Grey individually, she is in love with his brother, and THAT should be enough to merit a LOT of concern) and is trying to be proactive in finding news. I didn't catch the gender differences in the behaviors before, but this bit makes me kinda like Kate again. Now I will save you the pages of angst because everyone loved Grey soooo much and skip ahead to when he walks in the front door.

Wait, he just walks the fuck in? Of course he does. And the jack-wagon is surprised everyone is there, and worked up.

His expression is one of utter bewilderment. He deposits his jacket and shoes on the floor in time to catch Grace, who throws her arms around his neck and kisses him hard on the cheek.
“Mom?”
Christian gazes down at her, completely at a loss.
“I thought I’d never see you again,” Grace whispers, voicing our collective fear.
“Mom, I’m here.” I hear the consternation in his voice.

Consternation. He's anxious and dismayed. At his Mom being worried that he was missing.

“I’m here. I’m good. It’s just taken me a hell of a long time to get back from Portland. What’s with the welcoming committee?” He looks up and scans the room until his eyes lock with mine.
He blinks and glances briefly at José, who lets go of my hand. Christian’s mouth tightens.

And yet he still finds time to be threatened and annoyed at another man for being near his woman. At least he's consistently a possessive jackass, right?

Wait, so Grey has been missing with no contact--his helicopter never made it where it was supposed to, right? Why is he SURPRISED that everyone lost their shit? That seems pretty reasonable. In fact, if he was fine this whole time, him not calling seems like a huge fucking dick move.

It would be, except for the fact that the entire book world will bend over backwards to excuse Grey's shitty behavior in the name of plot justification. You see, Grey's phone died, as did the phone of the person with him! So everyone stands around (Jose still being SUPER AWKWARD and Kate is trying to calm down Ana) until Grey tears himself away from his folks to go smell Ana a little bit.

“Hush,” he says and holds me, burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. I raise my tear-stained face to his, and he kisses me far too briefly.
“Hi,” he murmurs.
“Hi,” I whisper back, the lump in the back of my throat burning.
“Miss me?”
“A bit.”
He grins. “I can tell.”

She then starts looking for any injuries on him, frantic and relieved, and this bit I actually kind of like. This actually feel real to me. I can picture Ana, in-between sobs choking out "a bit" in an attempt to keep some humor about the situation, and Grey, grateful for it, playing along and loving her even more for it.

I step back to fetch him something, but he doesn’t let me go. He tucks me under his arm and extends a hand to José.
“Mr. Grey,” says José evenly.
Christian snorts. “Christian, please,” he says.
“Christian, welcome back. Glad you’re okay . . . and um—thanks for letting me stay.”
“No problem.” Christian narrows his eyes

I kind of love this bit. I love that Jose is SO AWKWARD even though he's saying and doing the right things. He had no reason to be there before save for a turn of circumstances, but tried to be there for his friend. Grey makes a show of being dominant, and owning Ana, and Jose still just is polite. I still don't like Jose, but I am enjoying how awkward he is in this chapter, and how Grey is STILL BEING A JACK-WAGON.


He spies Taylor hovering at the entrance and nods. Taylor nods back.
“Your daughter?”
“She’s fine now. False alarm, sir.”
“Good.” Christian smiles.
Daughter? What happened to Taylor’s daughter?

No idea Ana, and we don't get to find out, either! There's also a bit that's kinda nice between Grey and Taylor where they talk to each other like human beings who give a flying fuck about each other. This is to really explain how Grey was able to end up in a spot of trouble. WHAT HAPPENED? you ask? His helicopter exploded into an inferno and went plummeting to the ground! Grey was saved only by the liberal use of his dark magic powers! Or they happened to be flying low when BOTH engines burst into flames (Carrick makes a big deal out of this being suspicious and weird). Grey and Ros (business associate, I assume she's blond) put the fire out but they couldn't flick the electronics back on because fire.

"GPS was still working on the Blackberry, so I was able to navigate to the nearest road. Took us four hours to walk there. Ros was in heels.” Christian’s mouth presses into a disapproving flat line.
“We had no cell reception. There’s no coverage at Gifford. Ros’s battery died first. Mine dried up on the way.”

Wait--wouldn't the GPS not work if there was no signal? I don't own a smartphone, but I'm pretty sure it's the same signal your phone uses for GPS as it does for, well, calls.


“We hitched and pooled our resources. Between us, Ros and I had six hundred dollars, and we thought we’d have to bribe someone to drive us back, but a truck driver stopped and agreed to bring us home. He refused the money and shared his lunch with us.” Christian shakes his head in dismay at the memory. “Took forever. He didn’t have a cell—weird, but true. I didn’t realize.” He stops, gazing at his family.
“That we’d worry?” Grace scoffs.

So, I'm just saying, they could have ordered their own damned lunch, gotten a ride to the nearest bus or train station, bought tickets home, as well as a new pay-as-you-go garbage phone and some minutes to let everyone know they weren't dead for that amount. Or, you know, called one of their assistants to have someone come get them? THIS WHOLE SCENARIO IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY! And seriously? Grey actually assumed no one would notice or care he was gone? I get that he thinks he's totally unloved, but he has to be aware of his status within the business world. Going missing would make the news, and he's surprised by that, too. No, the reason he was too busy to stop and make a call to let people know he wasn't dead (or get a bus ticket) was because he was anxious to get back since Jose was there that night.

It has taken me far too long to find a .gif like this.

So, everyone starts to clear out because it is late as hell, and we get this.

“I was so worried, darling,” she whispers.
“I’m okay, Mom.”
She leans back and studies him intently while he holds her. “Yes. I think you are,” she says slowly, glances at me, and smiles. I flush.

GET IT GET IT BECAUSE ANA HAS RESCUED HIM FROM HIS DARK AND TRAGIC PAST YOU GUYS! Because naturally that is what any Mother would be thinking in this moment.

So Kate tells Ana that she's glad Grey is safe (for her sake) and that Ana seems happy and they'll talk tomorrow when she's not so exhausted and is off. I'm curious how this book would be going down if Kate had been around for it before this point.

“Yeah, Mrs. Jones, she showed me earlier. Quite a place you have here, Christian.”
“Thank you,” Christian says politely as he comes to stand beside me, placing his arm around my shoulders. Leaning over, he kisses my hair.
“I’m going to eat whatever Mrs. Jones has put out for me. Goodnight, José.” Christian wanders back into the great room, leaving José and me at the entrance.
Wow! Left alone with José.
“Well, goodnight.” José looks uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Because it's only now that he starts to be awkward. Also, REALLY GREY? You can't go seven seconds without being possessive?  In their moment being left alone, Jose says he's glad she's happy and if she needs him, he's there for her and goes to bed. It's meant to have some notes of HE LOVES HER SO MUCH ISN'T IT SAD? But Jose has had so little page time in this book, and been so inappropriate when he has, that I just can't muster any fucks to give.

“I need to put my jacket down,” he murmurs.
“Drop it,” I murmur against his lips.
“I can’t.”
I lean back to gaze up at him, puzzled.
He smirks at me. “This is why.” From the inside breast pocket he pulls out the small box I gave him, containing my present.

"Good thing I gave you that Fabergé egg to carry around for the last few days!" Figuring it's his birthday, she tells him to open the MYSTERY PRESENT. Which is....

His brow creases as he fishes out a small, rectangular, plastic keychain bearing a picture made up of tiny pixels that flash on and off like an LED screen. It depicts the Seattle skyline, focusing on the Space Needle, with the word SEATTLE written boldly across the landscape, flashing on and off.
He stares at it for a moment and then gazes at me bemused, a frown marring his lovely brow.

HAH PSYCHE SHE JUST GOT HIM A FLASHING KEYCHAIN! Except it says "yes" in flashing letters on the other side (is this a thing that can be done? I've seen key-chains that you can have your name put on back, but never flashing ones. Internet, help me out.) because SHE IS AGREEING TO MARRY HIM! Yeah, even with the caps I can't muster an iota of surprise. I could put the actual scene here, but it's boring, so I'll write you a better one.

"Happy birthday Grey! Your present is my ongoing servitude me!" I said, eyes beaming.

His super sexy eyes twinkled, "Good," he murmured sexily, "because the dark lord needs his sacrifice, baby. Laters."

And that is the end of this chapter! Sound off in the comments, and we'll see you next week!

("The dark lord" is what he calls his penis.)

50 Shades Darker Chapter 16 in which Erika gives up halfway through and tries a new approach.

This chapter picks up where the last left off, with Jack sexually harassing Ana. The scene is entirely over the top to the point where I think Jack might actually be some monster from beyond the veil that Grey summoned and forgot about and is now bent on VENGEANCE! It's the only way to explain why Jack thinks trying to coerce the girlfriend of Christian Grey, CEO and all around big-shot, is a good idea. I mentioned in the comments of last weeks chapter the bit in How To Succeed in Business Without Even Trying, the guidebook says that "the smaller the secretarial skills, the bigger her protector at the company", which comes into play when figuring out who is and is not safe to try and have sex with. Jack knows he has a reputation, and he knows that Ana is dating a man of great power and wealth. Any power he thinks he has over her (she is his underling, after all) should be tempered by the fact that many women would run home and tell their boyfriends about this, and her boyfriend is Grey. A man wealthy and connected enough that Jack should worry, but, he doesn't. So, monster.

He takes a step toward me, glaring at me, his eyes never leaving mine. His pupils are dilating as I watch—the black eclipsing the blue. Oh no. My fear escalates.

See? His eyes are turning black. Classic creepy monster transformation.

So Jack accuses Ana of starting to suck at her job because of her boyfriend "leading her astray" and then says he went through her e-mails and noticed the only personal ones were from her "hot-shot-boyfriend" but there were no responses from him! Why were none of his emails on the database? SHE IS CLEARLY A SPY! Which makes no fucking sense because about a paragraph before he comments that he had to fight to get Ana as opposed to someone more qualified for the job. Although: remember how bitchy Grey was last chapter about Ana not using her blackberry to email him? ZOMG FORESHADOWING! But why is he responding to her emails to her work email rather than her personal one so it only goes to her blackberry if it's that important to him? Hm.

Jack continues, enjoying my discomfort. “And he thinks I’d make a pass at you?” He smirks and his eyes heat. “Well, I want you to think about something while I’m in New York. I gave you this job, and I expect you to show me some gratitude. In fact, I’m entitled to it. I had to fight to get you. Elizabeth wanted someone better qualified, but I—I saw something in you. So, we need to work out a deal. A deal where you keep me happy. D’you understand what I’m saying, Ana?”
Fuck!

Yes, that is what he means, Ana. So, this is the gist of it. Jack is trying to blackmail Ana for sex. BECAUSE THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BACKFIRE AT ALL! According to Jack, Grey is well connected enough to be able to get the New York trip candled. Jack believes this to be true. So, Jack is aware that Grey is so well connected he can influence things within PIP. He can threaten to find out what Grey did all he likes--Grey can act so fast that Jack would be out of a job before he could do anything with that information, assuming he could even dredge it up fast enough. All Ana has to do is say "He touched me" and BAM. Jack is at the bottom of a lake or some shit. I have no idea how Jack thinks this will work out for him.

Jack moves closer until he’s standing right in front of me, staring down into my eyes. His cloying sweet cologne invades my nostrils—it’s nauseating—and if I’m not mistaken, the bitter stench of alcohol is on his breath. Fuck, he’s been drinking . . . when?
“You are such a tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick tease, you know, Ana,” he whispers through clenched teeth.
What? Prick tease . . . Me?

OHMYGOD. Why is she thinking "What, the drunk surly crazy man thinks I'm a prick tease? I am shocked and confounded! My virtue as a virginal vixen is hurt!" as opposed to... anything else? Also Ana's reactions have been spliced with "I think I'm going to faint", "Okay, Ray taught me well, if he lays a finger on me/breathes too close fucker is going down" and "Is security in the building yet?" I can't say that I've been in Ana's situation, my own experiences with sexual harassment left a lot more room for potential gaslighting after the fact, but I do understand that "Oh God I'm going to throw up, kick this dude in the balls and then run away crying and hope someone rushes to my rescue", "maybe if I just remind him his cab should be here and his shit is ready to go he'll leave me alone?" thought when someone is being threatening. The way she goes through these thoughts are weird, unnatural, vain and self-absorbed because Ana is all of those things. That base "I AM FEELING SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE" however... That rings true. On the upside, at least there hasn't been a peep from her inner goddess or subconscious!

So, Jack goes for the creepy face stroke and lingering hand on her collarbone, needling Ana to admit that she "wants him" and Ana... reacts admirably.

I grab his little finger, and twist it back, pulling it sharply down backward to his hip....
I bring my knee, swift and hard, up into his groin, and make perfect contact with my goal. I dodge deftly to my left as his knees buckle, and he collapses with a groan onto the kitchen floor, grasping himself between his legs.
“Don’t you ever touch me again,” I snarl at him. “Your itinerary and the brochures are packaged on my desk. I am going home now. Have a nice trip. And in the future, get your own damn coffee.”

I'd cheer for her more if she actually did her job. My boss would sometimes ask me to grab him coffee, which I didn't think anything of because, well, 9 times out of 10 I was going to grab myself tea anyways. The 10th time? He always asked nicely, so meh. However when HIS boss, who I have absolutely nothing to do with spent a day snarling at me and then sent me to fetch him lunch without so much as a please... that pissed me off. But I couldn't say shit because, well, boss's boss and all that. However, I write this as a cook. Ana is a personal assistant. I would imagine things like "get coffee and lunch" are in her job description. So she bitches about getting him coffee, having to read all those big scary manuscripts, is constantly taking breaks/emailing her boyfriend/texting... Yeah, Ana, Jack may be a huge skeeze but you're not even trying to be good at your job.

So, Ana (reasonably) then SPRINTS out of the building (although surprisingly does grab her purse and coat first) and then all the adrenaline drains away and she remembers that she hasn't eaten and just sort of sags to the ground. Since Grey was going to pick her up from work anyway he is naturally there.

Christian sinks to his knees at my side, and on some unconscious level, all I can think is: He’s here. My love is here.

Uhhhhhhggggggggggg.

So Grey is freaking out because he just saw Ana collapse (reasonable) and is looking her over for injuries because it takes her a minute to actually start talking. Once she does Grey goes from "ZOMG ARE YOU OKAY" to "MURDERNATE MODE ON!" which rubs me the wrong way. I wasn't sure at first, I've commented on getting the appeal of "here is my super wealthy, powerful, and sexy boyfriend who can actually help me when dealing with sexual harassment at work!" but when he flips to blind rage to the point that Ana gets scared FOR Jack (the man she just left writhing on the ground in agony) and begs him not to go... It reminds me of a conversation I had with an old co-worker of mine. We had somehow gotten onto rape culture (I didn't even start the conversation this time, honest) and he commented that his girlfriend and best friend had waited until a guy moved before telling him that this dude had raped them both.

He seemed almost proud of it. I mean, I get the "I am man and will protect my loved ones NO MATTER WHAT RAAAAAHHH" but I was miffed that he was proud of himself for behaving in such a way that was stressing out people who wanted to turn to him in a time of need were afraid to because they were afraid he'd get himself in trouble. Wasn't that appropriating their trauma and making things harder on loved ones? Shouldn't protecting loved ones be as much about protecting their psychological state as their physical one? Much to his credit, when I put it that way he was absolutely horrified of the actions of past him. Grey would not be horrified if it was pointed out he was appropriating Ana's trauma and maybe making it worse by not listening to what she is asking for (also bear in mind Grey doesn't know what happened, just that Jack did something). So, Grey's anger, once again, is more important than Ana's feelings in the face of her own trauma.

“Don’t go in. Don’t, Christian.” Suddenly my fear is back, fear of what Christian will do to Jack.
“Get in the car,” he barks at me.
“Christian, no.” I grab his arm.
“Get in the goddamned car, Ana.” He shakes me off.
“No! Please!” I plead with him. “Stay. Don’t leave me on my own.” I deploy my ultimate weapon.

Remember what I said about Ana not being able to just ask for what she wants and having to be very manipulative in how she asks? Yeah.


“Christian, he has my e-mails.”
“What?”
“My e-mails to you. He wanted to know where your e-mails to me were. He was trying to blackmail me.”
Christian’s look is murderous. Oh shit. “Fuck!” he splutters and narrows his eyes at me. He punches a number into his Blackberry.
Oh no. I’m in trouble.

YUP THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WAY TO HANDLE SOMEONE WHO IS OBVIOUSLY TRAUMATIZED! Grey makes two phone calls, one to an IT guy* and one to the owner of the company to get the e-mails wiped and to get Jack fired RIGHT THIS SECOND or he's liquidating the company! Jack was literally on his way to a big important conference that now has no one going to represent the company because of this, by the way. How is Grey successful? Right, black magic.

“Blackberry,” he hisses at me through clenched teeth.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” I blink up at him.
“I am so mad at you right now,” he snarls and once more sweeps his hand through his hair. “Get in the car.”
“Christian, please—”
“Get in the fucking car, Anastasia, or so help me I’ll put you in there myself,” he threatens, his eyes blazing with fury.
Oh shit. “Don’t do anything stupid, please,” I beg.
“STUPID!” he explodes. “I told you to use your fucking Blackberry. Don’t talk to me about stupid. Get in the motherfucking car, Anastasia—NOW!” he snarls and a frisson of fear runs through me. This is Very Angry Christian. I’ve not seen him this mad before. He’s barely holding on to his self-control.
“Okay,” I mutter, placating him. “But please, be careful.”
Pressing his lips together in a hard line, he points angrily to the car, glaring at me.
Jeez, okay, I get the message.

Holy fucking shit. Grey is actually kind of terrifying here, and I just want to take Ana aside, sit her down for some tea and talk about how this is Not Okay and abuse does not mean love. This is not how you should treat people you love. This is how you treat people you want to abuse. He's calling Ana stupid and implying Jack trying to blackmail her is her own fault. And yet, as stated earlier, he could have just replied to her personal e-mail address (which her blackberry is synced to) to bully her into using that instead of just constantly responding to her work e-mail and enabling that. I'm not saying he should HAVE to do this, but if he's going to go around screaming at her for being stupid in broad daylight on a street corner maybe he should consider more productive responses that are not blatantly abusive and terrifying?

So Grey goes in, and Jack comes out with a security guard and a box of his crap. Grey and Taylor then get in the car and we are on our way!

“Are you talking to me?” I ask quietly.
Christian glances at me, before fixing his eyes back on the road ahead, and I can tell he’s still mad.
“No,” he mutters sullenly.
Oh, there we go . . . how childish. I wrap my arms around myself and stare unseeing out the window. Perhaps I should just ask him to drop me off at my apartment, then he can
“not talk” to me from the safety of Escala and save us both the inevitable quarrel. But even as I think it, I know I don’t want to leave him to brood, not after yesterday.

I remember when The Boy and I were long distance, he called me and asked what he felt was an innocent enough question, and I did not. It led to a fight, and since we were long distance it was over the phone and I was just getting more and more angry, as was he. I stopped mid-sentence and said "You know what? We're just pissing each other off. I'll talk to you later." and then after we had both had time to cool off and sort out our thoughts we tried to have the conversation again and figured out where the upset had come from. I later told my Dad about this and he laughed, commenting that the art of fighting productively is not one people put nearly enough stock into. So I actually think telling Grey point blank "If you're not going to talk to me how about I go home and we can have this conversation when we both have a cooler head?" would actually be an AWESOME idea. I've commented on Ana being a slow-burn before, time-out during a fight is important to slow-burns. However Ana's reasoning isn't "this is a conversation we should have with less charged emotions" and is "I don't want to leave him alone because he was sad last night" and it shows just how effective Grey's emotional manipulation is and now I'm sad.

So they go into the elevator and Ana asks why he's so mad at her. His answer is basically "YOU KNOW WHY IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU I'D HAVE MURDERED HIM! AS IT IS I WILL ONLY RUIN HIS CAREER. YOU KNOW, SO HE CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYONE ELSE!" and... this freaks me out a little bit. There is a lot of data out there that says attempted rape can be as traumatic as rape, and what happened to Ana was definitely sexual harassment, if not assault (sexual assault is a word I'm never quite sure of the boundaries on, so someone correct or confirm me here). As someone who has been assaulted, I can say that that fucking counts as something happening to you. Also, again, it is about HIM, not her, when she's the one who was just cornered and threatened. Then there is this.

He shakes his head. “Jesus, Ana!” He grabs me suddenly, imprisoning me in the corner of the elevator.
His hands fist in my hair as he pulls my face up to his, and his mouth is on mine, a passionate desperation in his kiss. I don’t know why this takes me by surprise, but it does. I taste his relief, his longing, and his residual anger while his tongue possesses my mouth. He stops, gazing down at me, resting his weight against me so I can’t move.

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH GREY. SO FUCKING MUCH. Lets go over the list of what happened to Ana earlier: She was cornered, trapped, leered at, held accountable for someone else's feelings and expectations of her relationship to their dick, and manhandled a little bit. What did Grey just do? ALL OF THOSE THINGS. That- I just-

**

Moving on before I burst an artery. They get back to Grey's place and he's happy now that he has gotten to have his out burst and Ana has meekly agreed she will forever use her blackberry. Grey then goes off to call the IT guy back because... well, he found something on Jack's computer! We don't know what yet. Then there's this.

“What’s wrong?” Christian asks.
“I don’t know if I still have a job.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Do you still want one?”
“Of course.”
“Then you still have one.”
Simple. See? He is master of my universe. I roll my eyes at him and he smiles.

Grey has not asked "Are you okay?" by the way, just when he was trying to figure out why Ana had suddenly collapsed onto the sidewalk. This also just... ugh. PRIVILEGE! Moving on, Ana tries to figure out what Barney found, and Grey won't tell her (Cuddle porn is my bet. Jack seemed like a cuddler.) so she instead starts to tell him that Jose will be in town on Friday and he's crashing with Ana. So either he's staying there at Grey's place with her, or at her own place.

“What exactly are you asking?”
I bristle. “I’m not asking anything. I’m informing you of my plans for Friday. Look, I want to see José, and he wants to stay over. Either he stays here or he can stay at my place, but if he does I should be there, too.”
Christian’s eyes widen. He looks dumbfounded.
“He made a pass at you.”
“Christian, that was weeks ago. He was drunk, I was drunk, you saved the day—it won’t happen again. He’s no Jack, for heaven’s sake.”

I give up. Tamaki, you take it from here for a bit.

 “He’s my friend, Christian. I haven’t seen him since his show. And that was too brief. I know you don’t have any friends, apart from that god-awful woman, but I don’t moan about you seeing her,” I snap. Christian blinks, shocked. “I want to see him. I’ve been a poor friend to him.” My subconscious is alarmed. Are you stamping your little foot? Steady now!

“Think about what?”
“Elena. You’d rather I didn’t see her?”
Holy cow. “Exactly. I’d rather you didn’t see her.”
“Why didn’t you say?”
“Because it’s not my place to say. You think she’s your only friend.” I shrug in exasperation. He really doesn’t get it. How did this turn into a conversation about her?

“Are you okay?” he whispers into my hair.
“Okay?”
“After what happened with that fucker? After what happened yesterday?” he adds, his voice quiet and earnest.
I gaze into dark, serious, gray eyes. Am I okay? “Yes,” I whisper.

 Christian is still working. I have showered and dressed in some sweats and a T-shirt of my own, and I’m bored. I don’t want to read. If I sit still, I’ll recall Jack and his fingers on me.

Back down the hallway I find myself outside the playroom, and without thinking, I try the door handle. Christian normally keeps it locked, but to my surprise, the door opens. How strange. Feeling like a child playing hooky and straying into the forbidden forest, I walk in.
...
Tentatively I run my fingers over the belts, the floggers, the paddles, and the whips. Sheesh. This is what I need to square with Dr. Flynn. Can someone in this lifestyle just stop? It seems so improbable.

Christian is standing in the doorway, staring at me, his face unreadable. How long has he been there? I feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

And we all know how well getting caught with her hand in the literal cookie jar went for her last time.

“You’re not mad?” I whisper, using my remaining breath.
He cocks his head to one side, and his lips twitch in amusement.
“Why would I be mad?”
“I feel like I’m trespassing . . . and you’re always mad at me.” My voice is quiet, though I’m relieved. Christian’s brow creases once more.
“Yes, you’re trespassing, but I’m not mad. I hope that one day you’ll live with me here, and all this”—he gestures vaguely round the room with one hand—“will be yours, too.”

"Even The Great American Challenge?"

“Am I angry with you all the time? I wasn’t this morning.”
Oh, that’s true. I smile at the memory of Christian when we woke, and it distracts me from the thought of what will become of the playroom. He was such fun Fifty this morning.
“You were playful. I like playful Christian.”

This reminds me of The Boy saying things like "I like affectionate Erika. She's less bitey." This happens often enough that it has prompted people to ask if there was an adjective-Erika that wasn't bitey at all. The answer is no. It just means I like you! Or I'm hungry. Or hello.


So Ana starts asking what different things are.

“This is for me?” I whisper.
“For you.” He nods slowly.
“This is the butt drawer?”
He smirks. “If you like.”

Now I'm sad that I don't have a butt drawer. Not for sexy reasons, just because I think having a drawer full of butt stuff would be adequately hilarious.

I swallow, and to divert his attention, pull out a device that looks like a spiky pastry cutter.
“This?” I frown. No baking in the playroom, surely.

This sounds like a docker to me. Meant to be used on bread more than pastry, mind you.


“You have power over me. You know you do,” I whisper.
“Do I? You make me feel . . . helpless.”
“No!” Oh Fifty . . . “Why?”
“Because you’re the only person I know who could really hurt me.” He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear.

Do we have to take a break from Ana trying to figure out what anal beads are for Grey to demand she re-affirm his feelings again?

“Ana, you were nearly attacked today.” His voice is soft but ice-cold and wary.
“So?” I ask, enjoying the feel of his hand at my back and his proximity. He pulls his head back and scowls down at me.
“What do you mean, ‘so?’ ” he rebukes.
I gaze up into his lovely, grumpy face, and I’m dazzled.
“Christian, I’m fine.”
He wraps me in his arms, holding me close. “When I think what might have happened,” he breathes, burying his face in my hair.
“When will you learn that I’m stronger than I look?”


Points for checking in, but don't ask "are you sure? Are you sure you're sure?" because that shit is exhausting dude.

“Ana, you may be ready to go back in there, but I’m not. Last time we were in there, you left me. I keep telling you—when will you understand?” He frowns, releasing me so that he can gesticulate with his free hand.
“My whole attitude has changed as a result. My whole outlook on life has radically shifted. I’ve told you this. What I haven’t told you is—” He stops and runs his hand through
his hair, searching for the correct words. “I’m like a recovering alcoholic, okay? That’s the only comparison I can draw. The compulsion has gone, but I don’t want to put temptation in my way. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He looks so remorseful, and in that moment, a sharp nagging pain lances through me. What have I done to this man? Have I improved his life? He was happy before he met me, wasn’t he? 

I'm pretty sure they have this exact conversation in Twilight.

 “Do you want me to fuck you on the stairs?” he mutters, his breathing ragged. “Because right now, I will.”
“Yes,” I murmur and I’m sure my dark gaze matches his.
He glares at me, his eyes hooded and heavy. “No. I want you in my bed.” He scoops me up suddenly over his shoulder, making me squeal, loudly, and smacks me hard on my behind, so that I squeal again. As he heads down the stairs, he stoops to pick up the fallen spreader bar.
Mrs. Jones is coming out of the utility room when we pass through the hall. She smiles at us, and I give her an apologetic upside-down wave. I don’t think Christian notices her.

I kind of love the idea of if they did start fucking on the stairs, Mrs. Jones walking in on them.

So let the fucking begin! They go back to Grey's room, and asks if she can touch him and undo his buttons/kiss his torso. Again, Ana is stopping to ask consent at each point and I kind of love it. She also comments that it's getting easier for him to be touched.

I know what I do to him, and it’s hedonistic, liberating, and sexy as hell. The feeling is heady, I’m not just powerful—I’m omniscient.

“When do I not behave?”
“I can think of a few infractions,” he says softly, running his fingers up the soles of my feet. It tickles, but the bar holds me in place, though I try to writhe away from his fingers.
“Your Blackberry, for one.”
I gasp. “What are you going to do?”

Okay, I've lost count of how many times we've had Grey pull the "I AM GOING TO BRING UP SOMETHING I'M MAD AT YOU FOR DURING SEX" thing. I feel it happens every time now.

And the award for least sexy sentence this chapter goes to!

Bending over, he kisses my belly, soft, sucky kisses

Belly and tummy are words that make me uncomfortable when they're in a sexy situation. Sucky is not a real word nor should it be.

“You are mine.” His voice is soft and deadly and with one last flick of his tongue, I fall—spectacularly—embracing my orgasm, and because my legs are so far apart, it goes on and on and I am lost.

Seriously, we get it. Grey owns Ana, and Ana has orgasms that are so powerful they open portals to other worlds so Grey can summon extra dimensional horrors through them.

So Grey is now fully utilizing the spreader bar, and has now fastened Ana's ankles and wrists together.

My knees are drawn up, my ass in the air, utterly vulnerable, completely his.
“Ana, you look so beautiful.” His voice is full of wonder, and I hear the rip of foil.

Wasn't there a whoooole lot of BS around Ana's birth control so they could stop using condoms?


“When you’re ready, I want this, too.” His finger is hovering over me. I gasp loudly as I feel myself tense under his gentle probing. “Not today, sweet Ana, but one day . . . I want you every way. I want to possess every inch of you. You’re mine.”

"I paid an extra 20 dollars for the Virginal Vixen Deluxe fuck toy and I plan to get my money's worth!" The not-deluxe version had a mop for hair. 

I can do this. He
takes me to these dark places, places I didn’t know existed, and together we fill them with blinding light. Oh yes . . . blazing, blinding light.

What the hell does that even mean?

So, they fuck, they both finish and it's noisy and they rip a hole in the Space Time Continuum and then they nap. Ana briefly surfaces from her nap with horrible beasts rampaging around and Grey telling her to never let go, but since Ana is apparently concussed it's hard for her. (Some of this may be me taking liberties).

“I need you,” he whispers, but his voice is a distant, ethereal part of my dreams. He needs me . . . needs me . . . and as I finally slip into the darkness, my last thoughts are of a small boy with gray eyes and dirty, messy, copper-colored hair smiling shyly at me.

Why does she keep picturing a man she has SUPER SEXY THOUGHTS about as a kid? Is this to further add to his Oedipus complex? Is it condoning it? It ties together in ways that make me feel icky. That brings us to the end of this week's chapter, tune in Sunday for this weeks book-club and as always, leave your thoughts on this cluster fuck in the comments! Also you can follow me on twitter @SnappyErika for updates on the blog, snark, silliness, and what ever social justice thing catches my eye! Until Sunday my dears!




*My Dad, being Mr. Business Dude, would often go on about how important it was to win over the techies in the company. He then added on that if you had nothing to do with hiring them (though he often did) the next best way to do this was to feed them. I know there are a handful that to this day, even though he's moved to a different province, he's stayed friends with. I now have the mental image of Grey trying to bribe the IT guys into liking him with food and it delights me.

**For nerd reasons I now have a collection of Tamaki .gifs and images. They will probably start turning up often because there are so many.

50 Shades Darker Chapter 15 brought to you by the brave Alex!

Hello! I'm Alex, otherwise known as Editor #2, or Mad Scientist Alex. I'll be filling in for Erika this week, as she's moving and may or may not have Internet again by the time this is supposed to be posted. I was originally tasked to do Chapter 14, but Erika decided that it would be far too cruel and inhumane and took it upon herself. Apparently I dodged an artillery shell there, as I have heard that Chapter 15 is far more humane. Let's find out if that's the case! Onward!

The chapter begins with a very short scene of Grey following Ana into the bathroom, and attempting to console her. This, of course, means that Erika lost last week's bet, since this wasn't even close to seven seconds into the scene. It was more like zero. They end up cuddling on the bathroom floor while Ana cries herself out. After forever, Grey carries Ana off to bed and they go to sleep.

I'm not entirely sure why this scene warrants being the start of a new chapter. It's a mere three very short paragraphs that I think would have fit better as the end of the last chapter, rather than being the start of a new one. I suppose that it makes Ana's storming off to the bathroom at the of the last chapter seem much more dramatic and important than it actually was.

Ana wakes up with a headache after a dark and troubled sleep. She decides to go on a quest for Advil. Her first challenge is freeing herself from Grey, who's wrapped himself around her like a vine! A short, uneventful struggle later, Ana has freed herself from Grey's entanglement and makes her way to the kitchen. There she finds the objective of her long quest, as well as some orange juice. While waiting for the precious headache relief to kick in, she wanders over to the window to enjoy the view from Grey's fortress. While gazing out on city of Seattle at night, Ana contemplates moving in with Grey, marrying Grey, and finally Grey's Oedipus Complex.

My smile fades. I look like his mother. This wounds me, deeply, and the air leaves my lungs in a rush. We all look like his mom.

Taken out of context, that last line amuses me more than it probably should.

It's probably inaccurate to refer to Grey's issue as an Oedipus Complex, since what he really seems to be doing is using BDSM as a means of living out his fantasy of beating his negligent crack whore mom. However, his love of Ana does seem to be fairly well grounded in it, as, in contrast to his mom, she's “good and pure”. I guess that makes Ana some sort of surrogate mother figure for Grey? What about his adoptive mother? Alright. I'm done with this paragraph and don't want to dig any deeper into this mess. Onward!

I lied, one more thing on this: I am surprised that Ana, with all the unnecessary literary references she made in the first book hasn't made any references to Oedipus herself yet.

Ana once again contemplates getting more information from Dr. Flynn. Considering that its come up a few times in past entries, I can only assume that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for Ana's eventual meeting with Dr. Flynn. I have to admit, I am somewhat curious to see how terrible that scene is.

Ana's reverie is suddenly interrupted by a terrifying scream! Has one of Grey's warlock pets escaped? Has Grey's Dark Master from Beyond torn its way into reality to claim Ana's soul? Did someone witness the Grey's Dark God's arrival in this world and gone mad from his inability to comprehend this nightmarish being's horrific glory?

Nope. It's just Grey having a nightmare that Ana left him. Wasn't that the end of the last book? Was the entire first book really just a nightmare Grey had? That would explain the scream. Anyway, Ana consoles him and naturally they have sex, but with a twist! Grey gives Ana permission to touch him in his special areas*! A shocking development, I'm sure.

“Don’t ever leave me,” he whispers, and I roll my eyes in the full knowledge that he can’t see me.

“I know you’re rolling your eyes at me,” he murmurs, and I hear the trace of humor in his voice.

“You know me well,” I murmur.

“I’d like to know you better.”

“Back at you, Grey.[...]”

Now, maybe I'm just old fashioned, but that seems to be the sort of question you ask someone before you ask them to marry you.

Anyway, Ana asks Grey about his nightmare, and he opens up, explaining that he was reliving his memories of when he was three, and his mom's pimp used him to put out cigarettes because he couldn't find an ashtray, and how Grey is angry that she didn't do anything to protect him. I can understand Grey's anger here. If you allow people to smoke in your apartment, it's only polite to provide them with an ashtray, otherwise you risk getting burn marks in your carpet, furniture or children.

“Sometimes in the dreams she’s just lying on the floor. And I think she’s asleep. But she doesn’t move. She never moves. And I’m hungry. Really hungry.”

And here's Grey's most traumatic memory again. This piece of Grey's characterization always annoys me. He considers food to be super-important, to the point that he wants to micromanage his Sub's diets because he spent three days starving alone in an apartment, AND YET HE CANNOT COOK FOR HIMSELF. Now, I have life threatening food allergies, as a result I consider having the ability to cook my own meals critically important, since it greatly reduces my chances of accidental death and/or hospitalization and/or misery. Now, I'm not a Food Wizard by any means, but I do take pride that I've lived twenty seven years and never had to resort to eating KD. I can only imagine that someone who starved for three days because he was unable to fend for himself, would consider it important to be able to fend for himself. I certainly wouldn't expect Grey to be a Food Warlock or even a master chef (although he would be), but I certainly expect him to know how to cut a god damn pepper.

“You are so precious to me, Ana. I was serious about marrying you. We can get to know each other then. I can look after you. You can look after me. We can have kids if you want. I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever. Please think about it.”

And further proof that Grey is a Warlock and/or Necromancer.

Grey goes on to talk a bit more about how loveless his childhood was, and how his mother's pimp would beat him. Ana asks if that's the reason he doesn't like to be touched, and he tells her that its complicated, but that Dr. Flynn could explain better. Naturally, this leads Ana to asking if she could talk to Dr. Flynn, and Grey agrees and then tells her to go back to sleep.

Ana rushes to get ready to go to work in the morning, while Grey tries to convince her to call in sick instead. Surprisingly, she does somehow manage to make it out the door, and gets a ride to work from Taylor. Despite Taylor driving like a Meatloaf album, Ana still arrives late. Her boss is in a foul mood, and while she's supposed to be typing up a barely legible letter for her boss she instead starts an e-mail conversation with Grey, who has to remind her three times that she owns a Blackberry and not to use the company e-mail for private correspondence.

As soon as she picks up her Blackberry, she gets a call from José, who shockingly hadn't fallen off the planet, and agrees to talk to him soon, after she's talked to Grey about it. Still, she takes a moment to pause and reflect on Grey's double standard:

So, I could spend the evening with José on Friday. How will Christian like that? I become aware that I am biting my lip till it hurts. Oh, that man has double standards. He can—I shudder at the thought—bathe his batshit ex-lover, but I will probably get a truck­load of grief for wanting to have a drink with José. How am I going to handle this?

Ana's reverie is interrupted by Jack reminding her that she's supposed to be actually doing work. She quickly finishes typing up that letter, does a terrible job and Jack makes her redo it, and get him another coffee while she's at it. After numerous trials and tribulations, Ana eventually succeeds in typing the letter and getting it photocopied. Ethan calls and asks if he can stop by and get his keys back from Ana. He does so. Jack sends Ana out to get him something for lunch. Ana begins to regret not skipping work and staying home with Grey.

On her way out, she finally checks her messages on her Blackberry and discovers she has a collection of unchecked messages from Grey. Including this winner:

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Discretion

Date: June 15, 2011 09:50

To: Anastasia Steele

Is the better part of valor.Please use discretion . . . your work e-mails are monitored.HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?Yes. Shouty capitals as you say. USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.Dr. Flynn can see us tomorrow evening.xChristian GreyStill Pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

Good old shouty capitals. Ana calls Grey, as he was beginning to get worried in his more recent messages, and is shocked to get his receptionist, as Grey is in a meeting. Ana leaves a message with the receptionist, only for her to recognize Ana's name and forward her to Grey regardless. Ana eases Grey's fears, complains about work and makes arrangements to be picked up by him after she finishes work. Ana completes her quest and gets lunch for Jack from the deli and returns to work and delivers lunch.

He is scowling when I get back.

“Is it okay if I take my lunch now?” I ask tentatively. He gazes up at me and his scowl deepens.

“If you must,” he snaps. “Forty-five minutes. Make up the time you lost this morning.”

“Jack, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“You seem, kind of out of sorts today. Have I done something to offend you?”

He blinks at me momentarily. “I don’t think I’m in the mood to list your misdemeanors right now. I’m busy.” He continues to stare at his computer screen, effectively dismissing me.

Whoa . . . What have I done?

Well, there was all those typos and spelling errors you made in the first draft of that letter... Ana leaves to go and find lunch of her own.

My mind drifts. Christian the sadist. Christian the submissive. Christian the untouch­able. Christian’s oedipal impulses. Christian bathing Leila. I groan and close my eyes while that last image haunts me.

There we go! Ana's long overdue reference to Oedipus! Ana spends the next few paragraphs thinking about Grey, making more allusions to Greek mythology, and wondering if she can provide him with the unconditional love that a warlock of his calibre deserves, nay, is entitled to! Ana hopes that Dr. Flynn can provide her with the answer to that question. Then, and only then, can she know if she'll be able to spend her life with Grey.

Having lost track of time, Ana returns to work late from lunch. Jack, still in a foul mood, assigns more work to her, asks her to stay late and makes her get him another coffee. The fiend, expecting work from his employees. How dare he!

Around 4, Mia shows up and informs Ana that Grey's birthday is on Saturday and that she's organizing a party for him. Of course Grey hasn't told her that his birthday is coming up soon. Let alone that it was on the upcoming weekend.

“Cool.” My mind is in a flat spin—what the hell am I going to get Christian for his birthday? What do you buy the man who has everything?

I heard a great joke that used “What do you buy for a person who has everything” as the setup, but I cannot remember what the punchline was. It's going to bug me for the rest of the day now.

Grey and Ana have another e-mail discussion. Ana teases Grey about getting old and asks him what she can get him for his birthday. She informs Grey that she's been asked to work late, and asks Grey to come and pick her up around 6:30.

The end of the day approaches, and Ana has everything ready for her boss' trip to New York. While waiting for him to finish on the phone so she can deliver the last of the documents, she wanders over to the break room to loot the communal cookie jar. Before she can claim one of the delicious cookies within, her boss appears, closing the break room door behind him!

He stares at me. “Well, Ana, I think this might be a good time to discuss your misde­meanors.” He steps in, closing the door behind him, and my mouth instantly dries as alarm bells ring loud and piercing in my head.

Oh fuck.

His lips twitch into a grotesque smile, and his eyes gleam a deep, dark cobalt. “At last, I have you on your own,” he says, and he slowly licks his lower lip.

What?

“Now . . . are you going to be a good girl and listen very carefully to what I say?”

And now we've reached the shocking cliffhanger! Is this the SHOCKING PLOT TWIST that everyone saw coming? Was Jack Hyde secretly a Creepy Boss all along? Or is he just here to teach her how to type properly? Perhaps he's only upset because he caught her with her hand, literally, in the cookie jar? I don't know. I'll leave that for Erika to find out!

Wow. I survived an entire chapter and didn't even need to bust out the whatnapple. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved. That's it from me for now! Next week, we will return to your regularly scheduled Erika in Chapter 16 of Fifty Shades Darker!

*This might be the only time that phrase was used in reference to sex, but not as an innuendo.

50 Shades Darker, Chapter 14, which was supposed to be a guest post, but Erika felt it was inhumane to make someone else do this chapter

This chapter is post 200 on Something Short and Snappy, just want to throw that out there y'all. Happy 200! I'm moving in a few days (to a much nicer apartment in a much nicer neighborhood) and Editor #2 (aka Mad Scientist Alex), being an awesome friend, offered to do this week's 50 Shades post so I could concentrate on the battle with Boxzilla. I was ready to take him up on that offer (and next week will be him! Be excited!) but once I read the chapter I realized there was no humane way for me to inflict this chapter upon him. I warned you guys last week that this chapter was going to be bad; I meant it. Your booze. Grab it.

Just a quick recap of last chapter: Leila, Grey's gun-toting ex, was found in Ana's apartment, and Grey took care of her without really explaining to Ana what was going on. Ana figured that meant obviously they were going to fuck, freaked out, went to get some drinks with Ethan, and when she went back to Grey's resolved to ask for some space (aka: Be allowed to go back to her own damned house) he FREAKS OUT and goes into Sub mode.

Okay, ready? Here we go!

So, there's a big thing about how Grey wants the perfect sub in book 1, and how Ana can't be that. Since he is perfect, we're to believe that he is also awesome at being a Sub. I think that's what we're supposed to believe as Ana describes him as being serene, but, well, he's bad at it. Ana asks/begs/pleads for Grey not to do this, he ignores her. When she gives him a direct command ("Say something!") his response is a bland "What would you like me to say?"

She has given a few orders/requests, and he ignores them. Even while being submissive, he is still being dominate by trying to bully Ana into the role of Dominate. Ana realizes she'll have to "fight" to bring "her 50" back. But she won't dominate him because that's gross and icky and would make her like Elena and she's obviously way better than that!

As my thoughts clear, I can see only one way. Not taking my eyes off his, I sink to my knees in front of him.
The wooden floor is hard against my shins, and I dash my tears away roughly with the back of my hand.
Like this, we are equals. We’re on a level. This is the only way I’m going to retrieve him.

WE GET IT BDSM IN THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A STAND IN FOR POWER! Ana, by curing him of his darkness with her white-magic snatch is curing him of his need for BDSM/giving him the ability to not NEED to be in control. But Grey's need to control people/his surroundings comes from his having felt useless/helpless in the past. It comes from deep-seated insecurities, and Ana can't fix that; he has to.  She can help him realize he wants to fix that, but he talks about not feeling the need to go back to the play room, all because of her! So this whole "and now they are both submissive and therefore equal" thing? It doesn't really fit with the theme of the dominating sex stuff being about overall power in the relationship, and I actually think Ana the Dom would have done a better job of portraying that. However, we instead get this moral superiority that dom=bad and evil, sub=good and pure. If we follow this tangent further it's saying that dominate behaviors are bad (which includes things like bluntly asking for what you want, initiating sex) while submissive ones are good (like Ana engineering situations to ask for her wants because of Grey's "moods" and seducing him via ass waggling as opposed to just going for the gold or SAYING she wants to fuck). So basically this book is telling me that a good relationship is one that limits direct, blunt, honest communication in favor of indirect hints. Ana actually does often say what she wants directly, but unless she frames and times it well (like a few chapters ago when she asked to go to work alone in the tub) it often ends in a fight, or Grey having a psychotic breakdown.


Ana then starts to babble about how she loves him, but there is a lot of baggage and she just wants some space and time to figure out how she feels about a lot of it and how she wants to handle it. I wholeheartedly support this thought, by the way. An old roommate and I had a theory that there were two types of people: fast burns and slow burns. Fast burners are those people who tend to be really intense and what they feel they feel in a big way, and right away. When they're done, they're done. Slow burns are obviously the opposite, they tend to be more subdued in their emotions as it takes longer and more to rile them up, and when they do get riled up it often takes them a little longer to sort it out because sometimes its taken them so long to GET upset they're not entirely sure what, exactly, they're mad about. When a fast burn and a slow burn fight it often leads to the fast burn getting everything out all at once, and the slow burn going along and then being left to sift through it after the fact and if they realize that they're still upset/have issues they either need to deal with them on their own or risk upsetting their fast-burning other half by bringing the same issue up after the fact. We've seen Grey get upset at Ana for revisiting old problems (like her issues with Elena) because she's still trying to understand (admittedly, Ana did go back to that one a LOT, but the point still stands). So Ana outright saying "I wanted time and space to figure out how I feel so we can talk about this all at once, rather than repeatedly which upsets you" IS AN AWESOME WAY TO APPROACH THIS! Yay Ana! Shame that it's getting shit on by Grey here.

You see, as Ana offers this explanation, Grey doesn't bat a lash. She's sobbing, visibly upset and anxious, and he's just staring at her. I'd say he wants her to talk and he wants to hear her out but she isn't even sure if he can hear her, so I really think he's letting her talk herself out so he doesn't need to justify himself. Which is exactly what she does. She goes on to talk about her insecurities about not being able to be a Sub and seeing Leila was hard for her and she just doesn't get why he thinks she's awesome because he's like, super perfect and she's just... plain old Ana!

Oh, he’s so exasperating. Talk to me, damn it!
“Are you going to kneel here all night? Because I’ll do it, too,” I snap at him.
I think his expression softens—maybe he looks vaguely amused. But it’s so hard to tell.
I could reach across and touch him, but this would be a gross abuse of the position he’s put me in. I don’t want that, but I don’t know what he wants, or what he’s trying to say to me. I just don’t understand.
“Christian, please, please . . . talk to me,” I beseech him, wringing my hands in my lap. I am uncomfortable on my knees, but I continue to kneel, staring into his serious, beautiful, gray eyes, and I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
“Please,” I beg once more.
His intense gaze darkens suddenly and he blinks.
“I was so scared,” he whispers.

YOU MANIPULATIVE COCKSLIME! He leaves Ana panicking and lets her pour her deepest insecurities out in her panic and fear that she broke him and his first response (after he leaves her crying in terrified silence) is all about him. He has managed with his silence to lead her away from her upset and back into being concerned about him, and he knows that he can now have her coddle his feelings.


Oh, thank the Lord! Inside, my subconscious staggers back into her armchair, sagging with relief, and takes a large swig of gin.


That sounds like an excellent idea.

He’s talking! Gratitude overwhelms me, and I swallow, trying to contain my emotion and the fresh bout of tears that threatens.


She is overwhelmed by gratitude because he is talking. Just think about that for a minute. His irrational, misplaced fear (which she has just spent a fair bit of time trying to lay to rest within her own emotional rant) is still demanding attention, rather than Ana's distress. I'm not saying Grey's feelings don't, or shouldn't, matter. I'm just tired of them mattering more than Ana's.

First, he explains why he was such a jackass to Ana in her own apartment about getting her out of there (he was scared for her safety, even after he had the gun) and waits to see that she's into it before he continues.

He swallows. “Seeing her in that state, knowing that I might have something to do with her mental breakdown . . .” He closes his eyes once more. “She was always so mischievous and lively.” He shudders and takes a rasping breath, almost like a sob. This is torture to listen to, but I kneel, attentive, lapping up this insight.

My first response was to call Grey out for appropriating Leila's trauma, but, I kind of have to give him this one. That shit would be traumatic. What is creepy here is Ana. She claims this is torture to listen to (seeing your loved ones in pain is awful, yes) but describes herself as "lapping up" these insights. That... doesn't sound tortured to me, that sounds like she's reveling in it.


So once Grey finishes talking about how he was just so worried about Ana and her safety and that she was going to run away they reassure each other that they're totes in love and we get this:

“I love you, too, Christian, and to see you like this is . . .” I choke and my tears start afresh. “I thought I’d broken you.”
“Broken? Me? Oh no, Ana. Just the opposite.” He reaches out and takes my hand. “You’re my lifeline,” he whispers, and he kisses my knuckles before pressing my palm against his.

REALLY BECAUSE WHEN YOU WENT INTO SUB MOVE AND WERE TOTALLY UNRESPONSIVE THAT SEEMED PRETTY FUCKING BROKEN DUDE! He then grabs her hand, puts it on his chest, and sits there hyperventilating. Ana tries to pull away because she's not comfortable with this and he doesn't let her. I get that it's supposed to be a show of trust here, but if she isn't okay with it at the moment, then DON'T FUCKING FORCE HER! She switches to being on side with it pretty quickly, though.

Gently I start to undo the buttons on his shirt. It’s tricky with one hand. I flex my fingers beneath his hand and he lets go, allowing me to use both hands to undo his shirt. My eyes don’t leave his as I pull his shirt open, revealing his chest.
He swallows, and his lips part as his breathing increases, and I sense his rising panic, but he doesn’t pull away. Is he still in sub mode? I have no idea.

And there is something bizarre about this scene. Ana isn't sure if he's still in sub-mode which makes her unbuttoning his shirt and touching his chest (a hard limit for him) deeply problematic. There is one thing I really do like about it, and that is that Ana stops and asks for consent before each action. When Grey doesn't seem into it, she tries to stop and he puts her hand back. When she kisses his scars (we all knew this was coming) she stops and studies his reaction, and she doesn't do it until he tells her to. I find myself liking Ana quite a bit this chapter, and it makes me sad to see her getting swept along with Grey's emotional manipulation.

“Oh, Ana,” he breathes, and he twists and pulls me down on to the floor so that I am underneath him. I bring my hands up to cup his beautiful face, and in that moment, I feel his tears.
He’s crying . . . no. No!
“Christian, please, don’t cry. I meant it when I said I’d never leave you. I did. If I gave you any other impression, I’m so sorry . . . please, please forgive me. I love you. I will always love you.”

She's begging forgiveness because he wouldn't let her finish a god damned sentence. However now it's time for what we've been waiting for since book 1! Grey's Big Dark Secret! Is he about to confess the nature of his dark magics to Ana? Show her his collection of severed doll's heads? Maybe he has a secret knitting room?!

He takes a deep breath and swallows. “I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore—my birth mother. I’m sure you can guess why.” He says it in a rush as if he’s had the sentence in his head for days and days and is desperate to be rid of it.

Ana's first response is "B-but you said you weren't a sadist. You just said you were a Dom," as she tries to absorb this. I'm not that surprised, to be honest. This is about the level of pseudo-psychology I'd expect from this book.

Then it hits me like a wrecking ball. If he’s a sadist, he really needs all that whipping and caning shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands.
“So it’s true,” I whisper, glancing up at him. “I can’t give you what you need.” This is it—this really does mean we are incompatible. 


That's right, Ana's first clear thought is "OH NO THIS MEANS I CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY" not "holy shit you want to whip me as a way to take out aggression on your dead Mom AND you presented that as a sex thing."


“When you said you loved me, it was a revelation. No one’s ever said it to me before, and it was as if I’d laid something to rest—or maybe you’d laid it to rest, I don’t know. Dr. Flynn and I are still in deep discussion about it.”
Oh. Hope flares briefly in my heart. Perhaps we’ll be okay. I want us to be okay. Don’t I? “What does that all mean?” I whisper.
“It means I don’t need it. Not now.”
What? “How do you know? How can you be so sure?”
“I just know. The thought of hurting you . . . in any real way . . . it’s abhorrent to me.”

I find it hard to believe that his super sweet doctor Mom never said "I love you" as she tucked him in at night. Doctors need to take some level of psych in school, don't they? Or read any parenting book when she had her own kids, or had some sort of social worker that comes through during adoption processes who would have talked her through it? I hate that Grey has been cured from BDSM by love, because it just spells it out in big block letters that BDSM=BAD and it isn't. If everything is being done safely and consensually, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it (like any other sex act!). I hate how a book that is supposed to be kink positive is selling us this crap that there is only one acceptable romantic and sexual narrative. I hate it almost as much as Grey being cured by love.

“You’re still here. I thought you would be out of the door by now,” he whispers.
“Why? Because I might think you’re a sicko for whipping and fucking women who look like your mother? Whatever would give you that impression?” I hiss at him, lashing out.
He blanches at my harsh words.
“Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that, but yes,” he says, his eyes wide and hurt.
His expression is sobering and I regret my outburst. I frown, feeling a pang of guilt.

When I first read this I thought "Well, that joke is in poor taste" and then I finished the sentence and realized Ana wasn't joking. I'm torn on how I feel about it. Grey is emotionally manipulative and abusive, and so I don't feel much sympathy for him. On the other hand, he did just do something huge by opening up about it to Ana and this really comes out of no where (she goes from confused about him being "cured" to this?) but Grey knows how easy it is to make Ana feel guilt.

His easy dismissal of her comes to mind: No one of consequence . . . She’s responsible for all this . . . and I look like her . . . Fuck!

Yeah, say it with me. EEEWWWWW!

There's more "So... you're not leaving?" and puppy dog eyes as Ana announcing that she is exhausted and wants to just go to sleep and they can talk about this more later, okay?

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers.
“Oh, for crying out loud—no! I am not going to go!” I shout and it’s cathartic. There, I’ve said it. I am not leaving.
“Really?” His eyes widen.
“What can I do to make you understand I will not run? What can I say?”
He gazes at me, revealing his fear and anguish again. He swallows. “There is one thing you can do.”
“What?” I snap.
“Marry me,” he whispers.
What? Did he really just—

Nope, not enough.

Okay, little better.

Ana's response is hysterical laughter (which is right and just). Grey is wounded, but Ana points out that they haven't been together that long (FIVE WEEKS!) and he just told her his initial attraction to her involved wanting to beat his mother up. Girl needs time to think- she isn't saying no, she just isn't saying yes yet, either. Grey sulkily finds this acceptable (and is prodded that maybe he should propose again later, but more romantically).

So despite the fact that Ana is exhausted and just wants to go to bed, she lets it slip that she's hungry in her litany of complaints on why she needs to stop having a SUPER SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS for now, Grey demands she eats first. While he's microwaving some left over KD (ick) and Grey starts to get growly at Ana for not knowing where she went (she left her purse and phone! He couldn't track her!) and Ana's response is to play ball. She asks what he did with Leila. The answer? Gave her a bath (ick).

Try to rationalize this, my subconscious coaches. That cool, intellectual part of my brain knows that he just did that because she was dirty, but it’s too hard. My fragile jealous self can’t bear it.
Suddenly I want to cry—not succumb to ladylike tears that trickle decorously down my cheeks, but howling at the moon crying.

I'm torn on how I feel about all this. If I found out The Boy's ex had turned up on our doorstep a naked broken mess and he shooed me out and gave her a bath while he waited for the paramedics... I understand the thought of "Shit what do I do I can not freak out if I can find something to DO!" and latching onto just about anything, but at the same time: help was on the way, dude. He also could have washed her up without giving her a full on bath. I think Ana's right to feel that it was Not Okay for him to give her a bath, but I also appreciate her effort to rationalize it and the recognition that it's jealousy/she is totally beaten from the days events.


“Ana, please.”
I whirl around and face him. “Just stop, Christian! Just stop with the ‘Ana, please’!” I shout at him, and my tears start to trickle down my face. “I’ve had enough of all this shit today. I am going to bed. I am tired and emotional. Now let me be.”

She then sprints off to get ready for bed/the bathroom and just breaks down sobbing because that's the kind of day she's had. That's the end of the chapter folks! Told you it was brutal. Bets on him barging in in about seven seconds next chapter?


So that's all for this week, sound off in the comments with what you think, and tune in Sunday for the first book club! Chapter 1 of Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle! Till then!