50 Shades chapter 22 in which IT'S OVER OH THANK GOD IT IS OVER

So, this is it. The last chapter of this book. Let's do this bitch!

Last chapter ended with Ana and Grey going to his parents place for his birthday party to be yanked aside by a furious Kate, wielding a copy of one of the e-mails they had discussing the sub and dom contract from book 1. To my shock and delight, we are not forced to read it AGAIN because remember how we had to read it every third chapter in book 1? Apparently James took the hint and assumed we'd remember the email.

This chapter, obviously, is a continuation of it. I'm struggling to come up with anything cohesive or interesting to say about the exchange, because it is just really badly written. Ana is FURIOUS at Kate for meddling/ruining Grey's birthday, Grey is panicked Kate told anyone, and Kate is concerned and just keeps demanding "what has he done to you?" These are all valid stances, but they're all played terribly. It dissolves into Ana saying "I love him we're getting married and this has nothing to do with you", Kate apologizing profusely, maintaining that she was "just worried", and Grey earning his title All-Frown. Rather than have people be able to walk out of a room, conversation tersely resolved, we have Grace walk in to defuse the lingering tension.

Kate is a reporter, and apparently good at getting information. Why the ever living crap is she grabbing both of them, instead of just Ana, and why is she going about it in "I AM SO PISSED" instead of sweet smiles so Grey doesn't suspect anything? I mean, in high school was she never passed the "So I think my friend's boyfriend is abusing her" pamphlet? Or she's never watched a lifetime special? If she's SUCH a good reporter, she's probably taken some psych classes to figure out how to best ply people for information, right? Everything about her approach is wrong. I get that EL James wanted to amp up DRAMA but... there are way more interesting ways to do it, you know? Everything is resolved quickly and neatly in this book, the different "dramatic moments" simply being interspersed to justify the length since there wasn't enough plot for a whole book. It's boring. Seriously, if conflicts dragged out longer than a scene, it could have some potential.

Consider this: Kate takes Ana aside, asks her if she wants to talk--gives her the opportunity but she seems strange. Ana, knowing Kate so well, knows she's trying to get information but is miffed as to what she's after. When Ana doesn't bring up the BDSM stuff, Kate can say "Listen, I found this, and I'm worried. This isn't healthy. Has he hit you? Are you okay? I'm here for you".  It is important to not be judgmental of people in abusive situations. You can't talk them out of it unless they're willing to listen, and pressing too hard will just get you frozen out and unable to help when the time comes. Again, 101 shit here.

Ana's response to Kate's questions would be an angry "Nono everything is fine I've fixed him! And this has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU" and THAT would be where Kate should lose her shit.

Kate of the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition should know how to get information, but at the same time, she is fiercely protective of Ana, opinionated, and strong willed. Or so the book keeps trying to tell us. Seeing her friend diving into what is literally a textbook case of abusive relationship (and Kate hasn't even seen how controlling he is! Just glimpses) would drive her to go from "I am trying to be kind and supportive" to "Diving into oncoming traffic to stop this mess". Kate begs Ana to listen, but Ana refuses because she "just doesn't understand him" and keeps telling her it is none of her business. This is where Kate, in a desperate, well meaning and totally horrible moment, would threaten to go public with the letter.

Yeah, how much more interesting is that than "NO I DIDN'T SHOW ANYONE LISTEN I'M SORRY I WAS WORRIED"? It would also showcase Kate's apparent tenacity.

It would be at this point that Grey, unsuspecting, wanders in and naturally catches that exchange. He starts to panic, Ana starts to panic, Kate is probably angry crying now. Grey, in a moment of character growth, explains that he's left that behind him, he loves Ana, as she is, as an equal, and she's agreed to marry him!

Kate, apprehensive, but not wanting to actually ruin her relationship with Ana "for her own good" calms down. She THEN apologizes, but keeps justifying her actions. A nonapology, really. She was scared and worried and and and! Grey is annoyed and pissed, but crisis adverted. Ana sighs, forgives her in the name of "not wanting to fight" or ruin Grey's birthday, asks for the letter (which Kate hands over, but that's fine, we all know she has another copy of it, right?) and they all leave. It's awkward, trust has been fractured in a big way, and Ana isn't sure she trusts Kate anymore, but knows she can't just cleanly cut her out because she's marrying Grey, and Kate is dating his brother, and Ana is friends with HER brother. Things would be resolved, but not neatly, and it would be way more interesting and dynamic and take more than 30 seconds.

Alas, EL James isn't great at dealing with tension and drama, so it's over about as fast as it starts, and ends with this.

“You really are okay?” she asks hopefully.
“Yes.” I grin at her, my joy returning. She’s back onside. She smiles at me, my happiness reflecting back on her. I step out of Christian’s hold, and she hugs me suddenly.
“Oh, Ana—I was so worried when I read this. I didn’t know what to think. Will you explain it to me?” she whispers.
“One day, not now.”
“Good. I won’t tell anyone. I love you so much, Ana, like my own sister. I just thought . . . I didn’t know what to think. I’m sorry. If you’re happy, then I’m happy.”

IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THAT SCENE?! The only way to bring Kate up to speed on whats going on?

So off to the party, I guess?

Crap. How many people are here?
I scan the room quickly: all the Greys, Ethan with Mia, Dr. Flynn and his wife, I assume. There’s Mac from the boat, a tall, handsome African American—I remember seeing him in Christian’s office the first time I met Christian—Mia’s bitchy friend Lily, two women I don’t recognize at all, and . . . Oh no. My heart sinks. That woman . . . Mrs. Robinson.

OH MY GOD THE DUDE WITH DREADLOCKS FROM CHAPTER ONE BOOK ONE CAME BACK SO GREY COULD HAVE A TOKEN BLACK FRIEND! Amazing. He doesn't say or do anything, just there to be a face in the crowd and a nod towards Grey not being racist or something. This delights me.

Ana and Grey are facing a crowd of people, through which Elena elbows (well, I imagine she elbows) her way to the front to coo over Grey "ZOMG I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD WHY DIDN'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS?!" and ignores Ana while Grey desperately clings to Ana, trying to use her as a meat shield (I may be adding some embellishments here). Grey brushes her off--it's pretty brutal, actually--to announce he's going to marry Ana. So, his only friend in the world asks him if he's okay, expresses worry, and he may as well plant his palm in her face to cram her off to the side and announce he's marrying a woman who he's known for a month.

Lily, who is standing beside Mia, looks crestfallen; Gretchen looks like she’s eaten something nasty and bitter. As I glance anxiously around at the assembled crowd, I catch sight of Elena. Her mouth is open. She’s stunned—horrified even, and I can’t help a small but intense feeling of satisfaction to see her dumbstruck.

Yes, all of the single women are upset about this. Because by laying eyes upon Grey you want to be with him forevarz.* Awesome. Then his family are all over Ana with glee and love. Mia asks about the ring, which Ana totally didn't think about because she's sooo not a gold digger. They make the rounds and chat with Dr Flynn and his wife, who seems to imply that Flynn talks about Grey at home because that's professional, right? Flynn then chats with Grey about Leila, because patient confidentiality ain't no thang before we get to meet Ros. OH NO A WOMAN WHO WORKS WITH GREY (and the first redhead we've met).  But it's cool, she's a lesbian, so they can be friends!

I am tired of this shit. Men and women can only be friends if one of them is into the same sex? Does that mean Ros can't have any female friends? Well, at least EL James isn't trying to tell us that Grey can turn a lesbian onto men. I would need to buy a copy of the book to burn it if she were, but this is an obnoxiously prevalent trope.

More pointless nattering with characters who have no bearing on the plot, didn't exists before this scene, and I don't give a crap about. Food's served, Mia corners Ana with a cocktail that's "much nicer than champagne" (Wtf?) to ask her advice on Elliot. She likes him, he likes her, but because his sister is dating her brother he feels... awkward about dating. Ana's response is basically "Damned if I know. Try being "just friends" and ask Kate? Yeah, be friends, and ask Kate!" because people never get upset when they find out someone they were "just friends" with turns out to be harboring secret feelings for them!

Mia skitters off (which Ana remarks is impressive in her heels) and I find that of the entire cast, Mia is the only one I have any sort of mental image of. Everyone else is hair color and clothes, but Mia's personality comes out in how she moves, that doesn't happen with the other characters in the same way. After Mia flounces off, Elena saunters in, pissed and with a mission.

“Ana,” she sneers.
I summon all my self-possession, slightly fuzzy from two glasses of champagne and the lethal cocktail I hold in my hand. I think the blood has drained from my face, but I marshal both my subconscious and my inner goddess in order to appear as calm and as unflappable as I can.

IT'S MOTHERFUCKING GO TIME!!! Ana's inner goddess hands her earrings to her subconscious.

Elena tells Ana she can't possibly make Grey happy, he has needs and she'll regret what she's doing and what the hell does she think she's doing? Ana handles herself pretty well, it's a decent trash talking scene, and when Elena calls her a gold digger, Ana throws her drink on her. Before Elena can transform into a snake and try to strangle Ana, Grey walks in and finds his ex/friend dripping and livid, and his fiancee ashen and shaking and rightfully asks what the ever living crap is going on? Elena tells him Ana isn't right for him. Because that answers his question.

“What is this?” He pauses, glaring at her. “Do you think it’s you? You? You think you’re right for me?” His voice is softer but drips contempt, and suddenly I don’t want to be here.
...
“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful, entrepreneurs in the US—controlled, driven—you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”
He steps back as if he’s been struck and gapes at her in outraged disbelief.
“You loved it, Christian, don’t try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self-destruction, and I saved you from that, saved you from a life behind bars. Believe me, baby, that’s where you would have ended up. I taught you everything you know, everything you need.”


Grey then tells her "No, you taught me to fuck, but it was empty. Like you. No wonder your ex left you" (ouch).

“You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”
She narrows her eyes. “Love is for fools, Christian.”
“Get out of my house.” Grace’s implacable, furious voice startles us.

And then Grace bitch slaps her, calls her a whore, and tells her to get out again. No, really, actually calls her a whore. I like Grace more all of a sudden. Elena bolts, and Grace asks to talk to Grey alone. Ana also bolts (although not before she listens at the door for a moment. AGAIN) to hear Grace asking "how long, how old were you?" through the door before bolting up to Grey's childhood bedroom where she reflects on what just happened.

She flirts briefly with the idea that Elena was right, that she isn't right for Grey before reminding herself that, no, she fixed him it's cool! Seriously, Ana keeps talking about how he's "in the light now" throughout this book and she's basically saying "NO I FIXED HIM" every time. It's just driving in the already dangerous narrative that women can fix damaged and violent men with love. No, these men can fix themselves with therapy, no one can fix anyone who doesn't want to be "fixed".

Ana wallows in drama on his bed for a bit before inspecting the picture of Grey's Mother to see if they DO look alike and declares the only similarity is they're both brunettes, and his Mother has lighter hair than Ana does so she's good! The fact that Grey has said he hooks up with brunettes BECAUSE they remind him of his Mother should still be enough to freak Ana out. She may not actually look like the woman, but Grey has made the connection in his head. Isn't that enough to be gross? Apparently not, since Ana is relieved and liberated by the fact that she doesn't look like his Mother and, having collected herself after ALL THAT DRAMA, goes to find Grey. He naturally is going to look for her when she wanders out and they meet on the steps and talk about what the hell happened.

It actually isn't terrible. He apologizes that she had to see/go through that, she says she's sorry he lost a friend. Grey says he'll have the salon gifted to her, as it's "the least he could do", which struck me. He denied that she helped him in the last conversation, but he had said about the same things Elena had to Ana in the past. She saved him from self destruction, got him on the right path. I think his telling her off was telling her off for her current actions, but he actually does agree that in the past she helped, and that's why he's gifting the business to her. He might say he's not that petty, but considering he wasn't willing to take five minutes to tell Ana he wasn't dead because there was another man around her... he's totally that petty. I think he feels bad about what just happened, even if he recognizes that she is/was toxic.

Next we have Grey leading Ana out to the boathouse because he filled it with flowers and fairy lights and proposes again, this time with a ring on one knee. It's a giant diamond, but apparently simple, size aside. They schmoop all over the place, the scene ends with:

I know deep down I will always be his, and he will always be mine. We’ve come so far together, we have so far to go, but we are made for each other. We are meant to be.

See? No need for a third book (I would argue no need for a second one)! Except wait! We slip back to 3rd person narration of someone drinking and smoking out from a boat, watching the Grey's house!

It's Jack, who tried to sabotage Grey's helicopter, and now that he has ruined his life is going to try to murder Grey and Ana. He also apparently has a photographic memory, which means every book he's read he has learned and memorized? It's thrown in there to make him seem actually dangerous, but I don't think that's how photographic memories work? Is photographic memory a super villain power?!

He settles back in his seat. Looks like it’s going to be a long night. He’ll stay, watch, and wait. He takes another toke of his Marlboro red. His chance will come. His chance will come soon.

I commented on the big bad Pimp from chapter 1 reading like a caricature of a bad guy. We see a lot of the same things in Jack. He's smoking and drinking hard liquor! He sneers and plans violence! This isn't a bad reaction, Grey DID just ruin his life, but... why is it here? Why could the flow have not been: Grey and Ana get back together, shit with Leila kicks up, Leila is found, Jack attacks Ana, gets fired, we get the engagement stuff and this chapter, and the stuff with Mrs. R sprinkled throughout? Then we would spend the rest of this book on Jack trying to kill the happy couple as they plan their wedding! Or whatever book 3 is. The book would have action or plot then, but no. Everything is drawn out and, when it is finally addressed, resolved quickly. There is rarely any long term impact of any of the conflicts, because they're all meant to be filler. A shot of drama to keep the pretense of a plot around, but this book is just filler, no substance. I'm at the point where I'm struggling to deconstruct it because it doesn't do anything, just wades around in its own fluff and bullshit, and it's just more of the same fluff and bullshit.

THAT IS THE END OF THIS BOOK! OHMYGODFINALLY!

Now, some announcements of the future of the 50 Shades here at Something Short and Snappy. I will not be doing a chapter by chapter break down of "50 Shades Freed" because I just don't think there's enough new material there to keep them interesting, and I stopped drinking because of health stuff. I am going to deconstruct it still, just differently. I will read it (EVEN THOUGH IT IS OVER 500 PAGES WHYOHGODWHY) and write a series of posts about it once I have. However with it being over 500 pages, and my doing NaNoWriMo until August** I will tentatively slate the series starting back up again in September. In the mean time, Thursday updates will continue (and probably be lots of social justice stuff). I am also in the market for a new book to deconstruct (I have had enough of series, and am in the market for suggestions).

Until next Thursday, dear readers! As always, if you need a fix of me in between updates (which obviously you do because I am awesome)  you can find me on twitter @SnappyErika and I'd love to hear what you make of this sorry excuse of a book now that we're done in the comments.


*Except for Kate who has a really high Will save I guess?
**Have I been NaNoing and writing blog posts at the same time!? No, I managed to get a month's worth of posts done ahead of time. BECAUSE I AM A MACHINE!

50 Shades Darker Chapter 12 in which the book pretends to have a plot.

I'll open this decon with a bit more of an in-depth recap than previous chapters because I know there's recently been a bit of an explosion of new readers here thanks to Will's Schrodinger's Closet and Ender's Game posts (all of which are excellent and you should go read with your face orbs).

So for those of you stopping in for the first time, here's what's up in the book so far!

In book one, Christian Grey, the pinnacle of manly beauty and sexy prowess, powerful CEO, super duper sexy sexing BDSM enthusiast, and owner of a TRAGIC PAST (TM), meets our narrator, the totally bland, innocent, and younger-enough-to-be-creepy Anastasia Rose Steele. Yes, that is her real name. After a book's worth of "will they/won't they" Ana decides that yes, she will be his sub! Then at the end of book 1 they break up because Ana just can't do it! At the start of book two they get back together, but this time they're just dating, none of the sub/dom stuff that we spent a whole book hearing about in painful detail.

Book 2 has inflicted upon us more controlling rage and a crazed ex trying to maybe kill Ana? Oh, and Grey's ex of significance, an older woman often called Mrs. Robinson, has started trying to befriend Ana in the most hilarious and awkward ways possible.

Last chapter I finally figured out that Grey isn't a warlock (the only way to explain how any woman would want to be in a relationship with him) but is probably a necromancer. There were some "soul stirring orgasms" and, although this is supposed to be a sex- and BDSM-positive book, Grey declared that BDSM isn't for people in committed relationships. Grey also fucks around with Ana's career (having bought the company she works for) to "protect" her, and after 5 weeks of dating they have decided to move in together! The chapter finished up with Mrs. Robinson turning up despite both Ana and Grey telling her that Ana wanted nothing to do with her! Let's see what EL James has in store for us this week, shall we?

And here she is . . . Why is she so damned attractive? She’s dressed entirely in black: tight jeans, a shirt that emphasizes her perfect figure, and a halo of bright, glossy hair.

I'm really unsure of why Ana keeps obsessing over how blond Elena is; almost every female character in this book is blond. Grey's sister, Ana, Leila (Grey's gun-toting ex-sub) and the black woman Ana works with are the only non-blonds in the book, counting every waitress, receptionist, and secretary that we've met. I also burst out laughing here. Grey is always wearing gray, from head to toe, and last chapter we saw Ana doing the same. This is one of the many ways the author beats us over the head with the moral and emotional ambiguity around him. Now we see Elena dressing entirely in black. I can only assume this is meant to reassure us that despite Grey claiming she's an old and dear friend, Ana is right and she is totes evil. I don't know WHY this bothers me so much. I should be used to EL James' ham-fisted writing, but on average, people tend to avoid wearing all one color. It's boring and rarely a good look. Sort of something you mostly do at funerals--oh my god, you guys, Elena is totally just coming from a funeral, a sexy funeral!

Elena is surprised to see Ana there, as Grey only used to have his subs around on weekends. She tells Ana point blank she didn't think Ana'd be around and apologizes, she gets that Ana wants nothing to do with her. It's all super awkward, but it does a pretty decent job of underlining that yes, Elena has been in Grey's life for a long time and yes, she is comfortable with him and his home. Elena explains (in front of Ana, at Grey's insistence) that she's being blackmailed. Ana is, reasonably, filled with glee because clearly she deserves it. It is at about this point that Ana realizes she really shouldn't be there and skitters away--only to eavesdrop on their conversation once she's gone. No, really.

So what does Ana hear? Naturally Elena asking Grey about how things are going, scolding him for being too hard on himself, telling him he deserves to be happy. You know, the normal day-to-day conversations you have with friends. There are a few things I want to highlight, though.

“Does she know how negative you are about yourself? About all your issues.”
“She knows me better than anyone.”
“Ouch! That hurts.”

I am actually kind of on side with Elena here. She's been the only one to put up with Grey's BS for many years now. Suddenly he's dating some new girl (for all of five weeks) and he's saying she's the stars and the moon and really gets him more than anyone else ever. If I were in Elena's position, yeah, that would sting. However Elena's dialog is given no tags, so I assume this is meant to be taunting him (because that's the only not horrific way to say it) but I could be very wrong. As this next bit might suggest I am.

“What is her problem?”
“You . . . What we were. What we did. She doesn’t understand.”
“Make her understand.”
“It’s in the past, Elena, and why would I want to taint her with our fucked-up relationship? She’s good and sweet and innocent, and by some miracle she loves me.”

Again, I'm still kind of sympathetic to Elena here. I have a lot of dude friends, and have always had more dude friends than girl friends. I also fall somewhere on the scale of "conventionally attractive" and so (especially when I was younger) when my guy friends got girlfriends, they'd often vanish. I figured out early that this wasn't really about me as a person but the idea of a pretty girl who had known her boyfriend longer and was maybe closer to him. Once I wrapped my head around that, I realized that if I made an effort to actually get to know these girls they'd probably return the favor. More often than not, that worked out wonderfully for me and there are some cases where I've stayed friends with the girls long after the break up with my friends.

Ana is 21, which is still very much in the age bracket of this being a problem. Grey is closer to 30, but this is his first relationship so no surprises that he's acting like an overeager 14 year old about it. I think it is a safe assumption that Elena has other friends besides Grey (we know she first met him because she was friends with his mother) so I'm not surprised that Elena tries to befriend Ana; she's probably been through the paces. What I am surprised by is her first interaction with Ana involving saying "If you hurt him I will find you" BEFORE she gets into the "we should do lunch!" part. I get that she is supposed to be protective of Grey, but she is bad at it. If Grey is in his late twenties and Elena is older by enough that it was rape she would have to be at least 10 years older, if not more, so that'd put her in her late thirties/early forties. So you are telling me that Elena is going to think the right response to a girl almost half her age, who she's never met, getting a bit spooked by Grey being Grey is to threaten her? And then be surprised why she doesn't get it? I'm authentically uncertain what I'm supposed to take away from this book about Elena. Is she supposed to be "Grey's dearest friend" who is just too protective and who he seems to treat like shit, or am I supposed to see her as an evil meddlesome seductress? Because there's evidence to support both of these things.

One of the other things I want to draw attention to in that exchange (there's a lot to unpack here) is the "make her understand". Elena is supposed to be nearing 40, by my estimation (and according to the 50 Shades wiki). You are giving me a 40 year old woman who is acting like she's 19, and I don't understand why, EL James.

Lastly before we can move onto a new expert is Grey's continuing fertilization of Ana's innocence. When we first met her she had never been kissed or dated. Grey is her first everything; she hadn't even masturbated (and still hasn't, by his orders). I'm still not sure why. The target audience for this book is women who are Elena's age or older, so I can understand them being uncomfortable with someone their own daughter's age being self-possessed and sexually experienced and confident. The flip side is: I can't imagine reading an erotic novel and drawing any parallel between my own daughter and the woman being hammered away on and finishing the book. I don't think Ana is supposed to be a reader insert character, she's too young and too inexperienced for women who are wives and Mother's to picture themselves as her. Or I would assume so. I am not yet either of those things so if someone wants to correct me on this one, by all means. Perhaps the goal is to sell "the good old days" but not like they happened at all, but for many people their twenties was when they started to figure their shit out and branch out and experience freedom. There's some very real confusion there, but many people look back at the adventures and debauchery fondly (I know my parents do). EL James is stripping a lot of that away by making Ana so innocent, so it seems unlikely to me that she's supposed to be a reader insert.

Elena asks Grey about his relationship/if he misses his play room/etc when we get this:

“Elena, we have a business relationship which has profited us both immensely. Let’s keep it that way. What was between us is part of the past. Anastasia is my future, and I won’t jeopardize it in any way, so cut the fucking crap.”
[...]
“I don’t want to lose you, Christian.”
“I’m not yours to lose, Elena,” he snaps again.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” He’s brusque, angry.
“Look, I don’t want to argue with you. Your friendship means a lot to me. I’ll back off from Anastasia. But I’m here if you need me. I always will be.”

And this is basically why I sympathize with Elena. She loves Grey, even if it isn't romantic (although I am a firm believer that you can love someone in more than one way at once, so I do think it is in part romantic) and values his friendship immensely, and has for many years. If one of my best friends was suddenly vanishing after 20 years, I'd voice concern over losing them, too. However because Ana is our narrator, this isn't about friendship, this is about Elena being in love with Grey and trying to take more than what is her's to take. I think this exchange is meant more to be about how much Grey loves Ana and that their love is twu and nothing will ever come between them.

I'm gonna be honest here. I think that's bullshit. I was a weird kid: at 15 I realized that while I enjoyed dating and having a boyfriend it was super important that I have a friends and life outside of that boyfriend because odds were one day he would no longer be my boyfriend and then what? This has been something I've carried with me my entire life. I'm getting married in the fall and I still think it's important to have friends that are mine and not ours. It helps keep me centered and grounded and offers a sometimes much needed change of pace. Besides, there's only about half overlap in tastes for movies/music*, and I need people who are not him to go to the movies with in these instances. Since I have always made an active effort to maintain my not romantic relationships during the times when I have a romantic one, if my friends start to voice concerns that "hey, something seems off with you and your SO, and I'm concerned"** I'm going to give that some very serious thought, not assume that they are trying to destroy my relationship because... seriously, why do people think someone would be out to destroy their relationship? I can see parents or close friends stepping in when there are things like abuse happening, but that's about it. Then again, I live in a world where I am surrounded primarily by reasonable and well-meaning people, and I suspect this statement reflects that.

So Elena leaves after agreeing to have one of Grey's guys look into who's blackmailing her, and Ana has to scuttle to his room to avoid being caught eavesdropping. To her credit, she will admit that she did so, and this is more of a panicked move than a premeditated one.

I gaze up at him, trying to frame my question. “Will you tell me all about her? I am trying to understand why you think she helped you.” I pause, thinking carefully about my next sentence. “I loathe her, Christian. I think she did you untold damage. You have no friends. Did she keep them away from you?”
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.
“Why the fuck do you want to know about her? We had a very long-standing affair, she beat the shit out of me often, and I fucked her in all sorts of ways you can’t even imagine, end of story.”
I pale. Shit, he’s angry—with me. I blink at him. “Why are you so angry?”
“Because all of that shit is OVER!” he shouts, glowering at me. He sighs in exasperation and shakes his head.
I blanch. Shit. I look down at my hands, knotted in my lap. I just want to understand.

Ana has been pretty awful about Elena so far, so I want to try to give Grey some credit about being tired of going over it. At the same time, he is being such a cantankerous ass about it, any credit I can try to scrounge up is just lost. Ana is trying to understand, and all of the concerns she voices are valid, but Grey's responses are just... cruel, frankly. "We did the BDSM thing and had crazy wild sex" and he will go on to say he used to think he loved her but with Ana he realizes what love really is and so no, he never loved Elena! Remember what I said earlier about believing that there are many ways to love a person, and you tend to love them in more than one way at once? Grey will also insist that it wasn't rape because he consented and could have broken up with her at any time when they had their thing going on, and discusses how she's helped him come to terms with his feelings for Ana.

What do I make of this? Maybe she is on my side and just worried that I’ll hurt him. The thought is painful. I would never want to hurt him. She’s right—he’s been hurt enough.
Perhaps she’s not so bad. I shake my head. I don’t want to accept his relationship with her. I disapprove. Yes, that’s what this is. She’s an unsavory character who preyed on a vulnerable adolescent, robbing him of his teenage years, no matter what he says.

Super torn on this, to be frank. I agree with Ana in that what Mrs. Robinson did was wrong, but if Grey, the victim, doesn't think so, is it still okay to insist it is? Doesn't he get to be the authority on that one? It's the flip side of someone telling a woman she wasn't really assaulted because he didn't jump out of the bushes at her.  Things then segue into Ana not being perfectly compliant with being monitored all the time.

“Do you want to fight about that, too?” he snaps.
“I wasn’t aware we were fighting. I thought we were communicating,” I mumble petulantly.
He closes his eyes briefly as he struggles to contain his temper. I swallow and watch anxiously. Jeez, this could go either way.

His response is to storm off to go work. I've commented before that any time Ana tries to talk about something that's upsetting her Grey's response is anger. Last chapter, when she literally begged him to be allowed to go to work without a security guard, she had to wait until a super relaxed calm point to do so. Grey acts like Ana has him whipped but restricts her from doing things like leaving her office or going home alone. He bought her a new car that she isn't allowed to drive because it might be dangerous. Everything he does he does in the name of her safety, but it is still taking away agency and choice and it is still terrifying. After Grey storms off, Ana is left to her own devices.

We just don’t know each other that well. Do I really want to move in with him? I don’t even know if I should make him a cup of tea or coffee while he’s working. Should I disturb him at all? I have no idea of his likes and dislikes.

According to Grey, Ana knows him better than anyone else in the world and he has asked her to move in with him after five weeks of dating. Ana feels they keep fighting because they're still getting to know each other and that this is normal for new relationships. It's been a while since I've done the "new relationship" thing, but in my direct and indirect experience, if you're fighting this much this early you fucking bail. The first bit is all about getting to know each other and fun and adventures! You're in the honeymoon phase, not the "I am afraid to ask to go to work alone" phase! THAT SHOULD NOT BE A PHASE YOU GO THROUGH!

So Ana will putter around a bit, call her Dad, and go read before Grey finds her dozing in the library and puts her to bed. She wakes up in the middle of the night to find Grey playing piano in his bubble of isolation (again).


“Why do we fight?” he whispers, as his teeth graze my earlobe.
Holy cow. My heart skips a beat, then starts pounding, coursing heat throughout my body.
“Because we’re getting to know each other, and you’re stubborn and cantankerous and moody and difficult,” I murmur breathlessly, shifting my head to give him better access to my throat. He runs his nose down my neck, and I feel his smile.
“I’m all those things, Miss Steele. It’s a wonder you put up with me.” He nips my earlobe and I moan. “Is it always like this?” he sighs.
“I have no idea.”

Grey has two moves, intimidate and seduce. If we look at a more typical abuse pattern, it's the charming husband and the horrible abuser (or the early stages there of). We saw the abuser earlier, now he's being charming (or in his case sexy because the man doesn't have enough personality to be charming). I've commented before on Grey derailing Ana with his black-magic sex powers when she tries to ask questions, and it is one of the few consistent behaviors he exhibits.

In his usual form, he starts to get handsy and because black-magic sex powers Ana is right into it. So they start fooling around on the piano.

“Oh no, baby, not yet,” he teases, but I feel myself quicken as does he, and he stops.
“No,” I whimper.
“This is my revenge, Ana,” he growls softly. “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.” He trails kisses along my belly, his hands traveling up my thighs, stroking, kneading, tantalizing.

Okay, I talk about sex being different for everyone no two vaginas are the same often, but seriously, how the hell can he have that level of knowledge to actually keep her on the cusp and not just accidentally shoving her over to a shitty orgasm consistently? INTERNET HELP. Also, he even fucking admits to using sex to punish her. I mean, there are worse punishments, but he clearly and repeatedly says "If you fight with me there will be consequences." ANA YOU ARE COVERED IN SLIPPERY STAIN USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE TO THROW YOURSELF OFF THE PIANO AND SKID OUT THE DOOR!

Lifting my feet off the keys, he pushes me; and suddenly, I’m sliding effortlessly up the piano, gliding on satin, and he’s following me up there, briefly kneeling between my legs to roll on a condom. He hovers over me and I’m panting, gazing up at him with raging need, and I realize he’s naked. When did he take off his clothes?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS HE WAS PLAYING HIS EMO PIANO IN HIS CIRCLE OF LONELY LIGHT NAKED!

Also where the hell did that condom come from? Does Grey have Summon: Condom? He's naked and nowhere near a drawer; this is raising a lot of questions. Did he store one in Ana's cooter for later? Is that one of his black powers? Is the piano in fact made of condoms?


So they bone (off page, tragically, because I rather enjoy these purple sex scenes) and the next morning they wake up and Grey makes an off hand comment about not having nightmares when Ana is around. This leads her (innocently enough) asking what those nightmares are about which leads into talk of his TRAGIC PAST (TM). So, to save you all the groaning, Grey talks about how the dreams are flashbacks (though doesn't tell us what they are, we did see one at the start of this book) and Ana, frantic to not set him off so early, asks him for happy childhood memories. He comments on the crackwhore (the charming nickname he has for his birth mother) baking him a birthday cake, his baby sister, and his piano teacher before they start fooling around.

No really, that is the progression of events. I know I like to get my bone on right after talking about my childhood!

Skip ahead a few pages, Ana has gone to work, mentioned Kate's brother Ethan will be back in town today and she should go by her apartment to help him settle in, gotten a few e-mails via Blackberry with Grey about spankings and given him the heads up on "hey leaving the office now just FYI" because he must be kept aware of all her movements and now we're onto her boss leering at her some more.

“Would he object to you coming out for a quick drink tonight? To celebrate all your hard work?”
“I have a friend coming in from out of town tonight, and we’re all going out for dinner.” And I’ll be busy every night, Jack.
“I see.” He sighs, exasperated. “Maybe when I’m back from New York, huh?” He raises his eyebrows in expectation, and his gaze darkens suggestively.
Oh no. I smile, noncommittal, stifling a shudder.
“Would you like some coffee or tea?” I ask.
“Coffee, please.” His voice is low and husky as if he’s asking for something else. Fuck. He’s not going to back off. I can see that now. Oh . . . What to do?

This is all so, so creepy. This is the third or fourth time he has asked her out for a drink. The hint: take it. So Ethan gives her a call and is all "SOON I SHALL BE UPON YOU CAN I HAVE KEYS TO OUR NEW APARTMENT PLEASE?" and when he turns up to see Ana at work this is his first response.

“You look . . . wow—different. Worldly, more sophisticated. What’s happened? You changed your hair? Clothes? I don’t know, Steele, but you look hot!”
I blush furiously. “Oh, Ethan. I’m just in my work clothes,” I scold as Claire looks on with an arched eyebrow and a wry smile.

Every single dude wants in Ana's pants, even her BFFF's brother. We have also been told that he's just kinda like this though, so... not sure. He at least seemed authentically enthusiastic about the idea of going out to dinner with Grey and Ana later.


“Yeah. Laters.” He leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Elliot’s expression?”
“Yeah, kind of grows on you.”
“It does. Laters.” I smile at him as he collects his large shoulder bag from beside the green couch and exits the building.
When I turn, Jack is watching me from the far side of the foyer, his expression unreadable. I smile brightly at him and head back to my desk, feeling his eyes on me the whole time. This is beginning to get on my nerves. What to do? I have no idea. I’ll have to wait until Kate is back. She’s bound to come up with a plan.

I like that Ana is remembering Kate exists, and that she is enthusiastic about her return. I like that her thought is "Kate will understand how to better cope with lechers and help give me strategies" as opposed to running to Grey who will DESTROY Jack. By the same token, this is an interesting thought. When I had the owner's brother in law pinching my ass at an old job, I was afraid to step forward because what if he got fired and this caused a huge rift and he has kids! I was worried about my abuser's well-being. I don't think this is uncommon, women are often made to feel responsible for the abuse they get, and it's on us to fix things and take care of everyone. It's bullshit, and I wonder if EL James has considered that when she wrote this.

So Grey picks Ana up from work and they're all cute and bubbly and SO TOTALLY IN LOVE. Which means something horrible is about to happen.

“Hi, Ethan, it’s me. Let me in.”
The door buzzes, and I head upstairs to the apartment. It occurs to me that I have not been here since Saturday morning. That seems so long ago. Ethan has kindly left the front door open. I step into the apartment, and I don’t know why, but I freeze instinctively as soon as I step inside. I take a moment to realize it’s because the pale, wan figure standing by the kitchen island, holding a small revolver is Leila, and she’s gazing impassively at me.

Told ya. Think she shot Ethan? We haven't seen him enough for me as a reader to give much of a crap about his character, but I can see how Ana and Grey will be affected. And that, naturally, is the end of the chapter because these books were initially fan fiction and will end on cliffhangers as often as possible!

Tune in next Thursday to find out what happens next! And Sunday for--I'm not sure what's running this Sunday yet. TUNE IN SUNDAY FOR A SURPRISE OF SOME SORT! As always, comments make this hurt less, and if you don't want to check the blog to see when we update you can also follow me on Twitter @SnappyErika!

Till next week my dear readers!


*HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ARETHA FRANKLIN WITH ME THIS SUMMER WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!
**One of these conversations happened right after I got engaged because there was a rapid turn-around on "Erika is scared of the concept of marriage" to "So I'm engaged now". The friend in question was one who I don't see often but am close to, making sure I wasn't doing it because I felt I was supposed to or anything. It led to the most stereotypical drunk "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND I LOVE YOU" conversations I have ever had and it was magical, warm fuzzy, and hilarious.

50 Shades Darker Chapter 5 Part 2 in which Erika feels cheated because there is no sex.

So, the first half of this chapter had Ana going blind with rage because Grey brought her to a hair salon that he owned with Mrs. Robinson, and she happened to be there. He then tries to throw her in the back of his van (well, not quite, but just about) and back to his place because his ex, Elena, got a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Ana then got her hair cut by a stereotypical gay man who was treated like some cute fluffy pet. Right, so, picking up where we left off!

The second Franco is gone, Grey asks Ana if she's still mad at him. She says "No shit" and he smiles like the jack-ass he is. "Oh, look at the cute widdle woman be emotional! She thinks she's people!" and proceeded to keep aiming for sex. Ana says no again, and he tells her to "spit it out" because that's a reasonable way to ask someone to tell you what's wrong. He's still grinning/trying not to laugh at her, and since I'm getting tired of running through the same "GREY IS AN ABUSIVE COCK" "AUGH BOUNDARIES!" schtick, I'm going to point out how common it is for women to be told they're cute when they're angry.

Seriously, show of hand my lady readers, how many of you have been told it's cute when you're upset. Not screaming or blind rage, but upset. Still keeping your head on your shoulders, and some ass thinks that's "cute". It feeds into the dehumanization of women. Women aren't real people with thoughts and feelings, they're just silly little creatures who need to be protected and isn't it just precious when they get upset? I feel this is exactly what is going through Grey's head here. He isn't prepared to take Ana's upset seriously, he's expecting to have to stroke her hair, say some soothing things, and then he'll get to stick it in her.

"What’s bothering me? Well, there’s your gross invasion of my privacy, the fact that you took me to some place where your ex-mistress works and you used to take all your lovers to have their bits waxed, you manhandled me in the street like I was six years old—and to cap it all, you let your Mrs. Robinson touch you!” My voice has risen to a crescendo.
He raises his eyebrows, and his good humor vanishes.
“That’s quite a list. But just to clarify once more—she’s not my Mrs. Robinson.”

I think she means she's your Mrs. Robinson in that she was an older woman who seduced you when you were younger- you know, where the nick-name came from? Not, you know, your girlfriend? Okay, maybe I'm giving Ana way too much credit here. Ana repeats that SHE CAN TOUCH HIM (she touched him on the forearm) and I'm torn on this. The way she touched him was totally non sexual, and one that I'm fairly certain we've seen Ana touch Grey herself, but we all know Ana's tantrums around not being able to touch Grey.

I however am going to consider the whole "BUT I WANNA TOUCH" thing in a new way. It isn't that Ana and Grey don't touch. They hold hands, he puts an arm around her, they fuck like rabbits... It is REALLY hard not to touch someone when they're inside you. The thing is that Grey always is initiating it. It is one of the many ways in which he holds power and she doesn't. So, if we look at touching as a metaphor for equality in the relationship, as to just idle lust, her anger becomes both less obnoxious, and more reasonable. Now, this still isn't a perfect parallel, because things don't always need to be perfectly equal in all aspects of a relationship, and Grey is supposed to have Major Issues with being touched, which makes it shitty that Ana is latching onto that, but Grey holds all the power in the relationship. I think Ana just latched onto this one thing because of the power differential. It makes more sense than she's just so horny and can't resist his sexy man meat, doesn't it? So, Ana being upset that he let Mrs. R touch him even now, in front of her, when she still isn't allowed, is suddenly reasonable.

Ana, naturally, sticks to the touching thing, not giving up on this whole rant. I am annoyed that she's singling in on this one aspect as to the hauling her over his shoulder bit. Grey's response to Ana is this:

He runs both hands through his hair and closes his eyes briefly, as if he’s seeking divine guidance of some kind. He swallows.

I get that compromise and discussion are supposed to be new and confusing things to Grey, but if your response to "I am still mad about all these things and feel I still have a point" is THAT, well, that should be pissing you off more. Grey is supposed to be a successful, powerful man. You do not get to build an empire from nothing when you are incapable of giving people what they want.  You need to know how to schmooze. You need to know how to be liked enough to get a chance. When Grey's response to someone (from his point of view) being stubborn is apparent and obvious exasperation... I'm unsure how I'm supposed to believe he managed all of these work place accomplishments when he was starting out when he's this stunted as a person.

“You and I don’t have any rules. I have never had a relationship without rules, and I never know where you’re going to touch me. It makes me nervous. Your touch completely—” He stops, searching for the words. “It just means more . . . so much more”
More? His answer’s completely unexpected, throwing me, and there’s that little word with the big meaning hanging between us again.

When they first started dating, Ana's big thing was she wanted "more" than to be his sub- which is why she isn't his sub now. I get the author intent is meant to be Grey trying to express he loves her and this is all hard and confusing and new territory, but the word choice feels... deliberate, to me. They haven't even touched on anything besides Mrs. R/touching, but he sees she won't be easily pacified this time. Relationships are a lot of work, but I feel he's trying to skip over the work here (sitting down, addressing that he has been engaging in some very bad behavior, and considering how to act in the future) he's trying to emotionally soften her up so she'll forgive him. It's very manipulative, and, once again, a Hallmark of an emotionally abusive person.

So we get to the rest of Ana's list, or at least, the stalking bits.

“So, the rest of your list. Invading your privacy.” His mouth twists as he contemplates this. “Because I know your bank account number?”
“Yes, that’s outrageous.”
“I do background checks on all my submissives. I’ll show you.” He turns and heads for his study.
I dutifully follow him, dazed. From a locked filing cabinet, he pulls a manila folder. Typed on the tab: Anastasia Rose Steele.
Holy fucking shit. I glare at him.
...
 He has a copy of my birth certificate, for heaven’s sake, my hard limits, the NDA, the contract—Jeez—my social security number, resume, employment records.

Grey will go on to tell us that anyone could have gotten this information if they wanted to, he doesn't misuse it, and a man in his position needed to be careful about his kinks. In that framing, this is only slightly less terrifying, but I can understand him wanting to make sure he isn't about to ask an undercover reporter to bend over while he bleaches her asshole. The thing is... He does misuse it. Ana wasn't his submissive when he did this background check. He stopped by her place of work to buy bondage gear* long before the photo shoot for Kate, and he knew where that was because of the background check. This means, that at the point in time he had done the background check, he had met her once. There are also things on that list he shouldn't have easily been able to get (like her social security number) at all, but hey, he has abs so hard you could grate cheese on them, so who cares? Ana calls him out for putting the money in her account, and she's still upset about it.

Ana has her backbone this scene, it seems.

“Anastasia, do you have any idea how much money I make?”
I flush, of course not. “Why should I? I don’t need to know the bottom line of your bank account, Christian.”
His eyes soften. “I know. That’s one of the things I love about you.”
I gaze at him, shocked. Love about me?
“Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour.”

CHRISTIAN GREY WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN DO?! HOW DO YOU JOB?!

Does this mean, per hour he hangs around, or actual per hour he works? If we go with every hour he works, that means he makes $800 000 dollars a day. If he is a workaholic (which the text likes to pretend he is even though we never see him working weekends or something like it) I think we can safely assume this means he makes $240 000 000 a year. Which is only about a hundred million less than Oprah. So what I'm saying is that Oprah would still make the better boyfriend than Christian Grey.

Now, this is an awkward bit of world building. I mean, we can assume that he's donating a metric ass ton to charity, and investing and start-ups (and man, he is SO addicted to kick-starter, you don't even know, guys) but even keeping that in mind, I don't think his life style matches what he makes. I mean, he has the whole "tons of cars, huge penthouse condo, goes flying for fun" thing, but how much does his condo cost? Let's say 10 million. That means he owned it within two weeks. He should not only own his own helicopter, he should own his own airline. THAT would fit the level of wealth we're being told this character has, what we see? What we see is a random amount picked by the author that sounded rich enough that money would never, ever be a concern for him and Ana. I mean, I get the fantasy there. He's so loaded that even if all his business ventures go belly up, he still has enough assets to be alright. The very real fear that comes from not being sure will never ever be felt by Ana because of Grey. That might be the most powerful part of the fantasy that Grey is supposed to be.

I gaze at him. He really has no idea. Extraordinary.
“If you were me, how would you feel about all this . . . largesse coming your way?” I ask.
He stares at me blankly, and there it is, his problem in a nutshell—empathy or the lack thereof. The silence stretches between us.
Finally, he shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, and he looks genuinely bemused.
My heart swells. This is it, the crux of his Fifty Shades, surely. He can’t put himself in my shoes. Well, now I know.

I like Ana here. She is aware of his rich-white-dude privilege. Her boyfriend has just gone and done something that made him seem... alien.

Her response is bafflement and... a nearly academic assessment of the situation. Okay, he is not an empathetic person, how can I explain this? She tries, too, but Grey is too busy being amused, and too caught up his own wants to care that he makes Ana uncomfortable, something she says explicitly, and repeatedly. She tries again here, and sees she's getting nowhere, so Ana decides to table it for later. I have mixed feelings on this. Knowing when you're getting nowhere and need to stop and take a break before you get pissed off is healthy. However we keep seeing Grey just slip out of fights and discussions with being impossible so Ana just gives up. It's a lose/lose. So they start talking lunch.

“I’ll cook.”
“Good. Otherwise there’s food in the fridge.”
“Mrs. Jones is off on the weekends? So you eat cold cuts most weekends?”
“No.”
“Oh?”
He sighs. “My submissives cook, Anastasia.”

Why is this here? BECAUSE FUCK YOU GREY THAT'S WHY! Why am I being sold a fantasy of a man incapable of making fucking eggs? I get some people don't/can't cook. I've met people who couldn't boil water (I'm not even kidding. My college room mates were both like this. I had to explain that you usually don't want to cook on HIGH, though you do when you're boiling water.) but you know what? They knew how to chop a vegetable, they knew how to make a few basic things because THAT IS PART OF BEING AN ADULT! My Mother always said if my siblings and I left the house not knowing how to cook, do laundry, or sew a button than she had failed. I've dated guys who were bad cooks, (thankfully The Boy is a good student) but never who just... didn't cook. It's a sign that they're immature. However that isn't even what pisses me off, it is that Grey sees this as being beneath him. He has his submissives cook, and a housekeeper who cooks, because it's woman's work!

Want to know the really funny thing about the whole "a woman's place is in the kitchen"? Walk into a professional kitchen and tell me how many women you see. We're a definite and obvious minority. Women are waitresses, and pastry bakers (bread is mostly men), not cooks**. That's the men's domain. Grey however doesn't know this, so he just bumps along and lets the woman do their work. I wonder if he would expect the chef** at a restaurant to be a woman?

So we cut ahead to Ana deciding what to cook, turning on the iPod, and starting to cook. We are told everything in excruciating detail, and as someone who, you know, cooks for a living, I can't help but feel she's bad at it. She's excited to find frozen peas so she can make an omelet. Eggs. Her big "I'm not gonna cook like a submissive!" move is to make eggs? No side salad? No toast? And it is a four ingredient meal. Eggs, ham, cold potatoes (already in the fridge) and peas (frozen, so nothing needs to be done to them). She has to whisk a few eggs, and chop two things. By the time Grey wanders back in to try and touch her cooter, that shit should be coming out of the pan, not being set daintily on the cutting board. I promise I am less judgmental when people feed me. I'm usually just happy I didn't have to cook, but the text keeps treating Ana like a super duper awesome cook, and, well, I expect it to deliver if I have to hear about her cracking each egg. It does not.

So as Ana busies herself with whisking the eggs (siiigh) she contemplates Grey's newest character revelations.

No empathy, I muse. Is this unique to Christian? Maybe all men are like this, baffled by women. I just don’t know. Perhaps it’s not such a revelation.



THIS IS NOT A MAN THING! YOU HAVE MALE FRIENDS! YOU'VE HAD LIKE 12 DADS! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, INTERACTED, AND BEFRIENDED ENOUGH MEN IN YOUR LIFE TO NOT SEE THEM AS A MONOLITHIC MASS ANA! Grey is just a dick! So, Grey then wanders in to try and touch her vixen. I'm sorry did you think I was kidding about that?

Desire uncurls in my belly. No. I shrug out of his embrace.
“I’m still mad at you.”
He frowns. “How long are you going to keep this up?” he asks, dragging a hand through his hair.
I shrug. “At least until I’ve eaten.”

So does this reek of "Women are the gatekeepers of sex and withhold it when they're angry" to anyone else? Yes? Okay just making sure.

They then go on about specific songs (Ana had put on "Crazy in love" and he is now putting "I put a spell on you")

Oh, the Nina Simone version? I suppose I should just be glad EL James is keeping her hands off of something I love. Seriously it sounds like he's trying to break his voice. It's awesome. Still, it keeps to the theme of Grey being creepy and possessive. And that he is a warlock. Seriously, the book isn't even trying to hide it anymore.

Oh my . . . his look has changed, the levity gone, his eyes darker, intense.
I watch him, enthralled as slowly, like the predator he is, he stalks me in time to the slow sultry beat of the music. He’s barefoot, wearing just an untucked white shirt, jeans, and a smoldering look.
Nina sings, “you’re mine” as Christian reaches me, his intention clear.
“Christian, please,” I whisper, the whisk redundant in my hand.
“Please what?”
“Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“This.”
He’s standing in front of me, gazing down at me.
“Are you sure?” he breathes and reaching over, he takes the whisk from my hand and places it back in the bowl with the eggs. My heart is in my mouth. I don’t want this—I do want this—badly.

So this is a nice creepy passage. The imagery of Grey stalking Ana like some sort of predatory animal while she feebly holds her whisk, asking him not to even though she's conflicted on what she wants...  Tell me this isn't black magic glamor.

He’s so frustrating. He’s so hot and desirable. I tear my gaze away from his spellbinding look.

WARLOCK!

So Grey explains that fighting is a new thing to him (seriously? Was there no one ever in his past he fought with?) and the only way he can know they're totally okay is if they fuck. Ana, still feeble and weak, but apparently developing a resistance to his black magic, tells him no, no, it's cool, I'm still enthralled.

“I’m not going to touch you until you say yes,” he says softly. “But right now, after a really shitty morning, I want to bury myself in you and just forget everything but us.”
Oh my . . . Us. A magical combination, a small potent pronoun that clinches the deal. 

I HAVE HAD A BAD DAY BECAUSE OF YOU SO YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR FEELINGS ASIDE AND FUCK ME NOW OKAY?

“I’m going to touch your face,” I breathe, and see his surprise reflected briefly in his eyes before his acceptance registers.

Alright, so I suspect this won't be funny except to people who actually know me, but I have the habit of touching people's faces. Not a tender, sweet caress, but planting my hand over their face (like, over eyes/nose, not cheek) and then running my hand down. Or sometimes just leaving it there. This isn't even just a drunk thing, this is just one of the "Erika is feeling bratty" aka "all the time" things. So when I read this I am struck with the image of Ana nearly smacking him in the face as she touches it.

Now, silliness aside, this shit is so not okay. Grey has within that last hour gone over how touching is a hard limit. Ana's response is "FACE PETS!" even if we consider this is an attempt to level out the power differential, it is still a dick move. I mean, he stopped tying her up and spanking her with a hockey stick.

The sexy-times are interrupted (BOO!) by Taylor wandering in. It's super awkward, and Ana is mad at herself for having sexy time wants and needs because really only whores have those! We then get a super awkward lunch between the two of them ("Oh your Mom must be proud!" "I AM NOW AWKWARD AND ANGRY GO PICK A DRESS ALSO I HIRED SECURITY TRALALALALA") and Ana wanders off to Google multiple personality disorders. Ana, you know he's in therapy, just- leave it at that unless you think it's dangerous. Please?

Grey catches her mid-research, there's some "cute" banter and he hands her lipstick, saying that she's to draw on him to outline the no-go areas. I'm not sure where the lipstick came from, as he points out it isn't for her unless she wants to wear it. Did an ex leave it? Is it his house keepers? Did he buy a tube of harlot red lipstick for this purpose?

“You want me to draw on you, with lipstick?”
“It washes off. Eventually.”
This means I could touch him freely. A small smile of wonder plays on my lips, and I smirk at him.

About fucking time.

“You seem—enthusiastic for this,” he comments wryly.
“I’m always eager for information, Mr. Grey, and it means you’ll relax, because I’ll know where the boundaries lie.”
He shakes his head, as if he can’t quite believe that he’s about to let me draw all over his body.

I'm kind of hoping he just draws around his neck, wrists, and ankles, and says everything within these lines is no go. I'm also really hoping Ana takes the opportunity to draw a dick on him.  

I'm not far off, Grey looks awkward and pained the whole time she draws where he instructs her to, and she describes the end result as him wearing a skin-colored vest with scarlet trim. That is a deeply unpleasant mental image. So, his chest/back are covered in pock-mark burns, and those are the no-go areas. I'm not sure why he couldn't just say that, but hey, this is supposed to be sexy. I think?

He tenses and stares, seemingly impassive, into my eyes, but beneath his careful blank look, I see his restraint.
 ...
The trust he’s giving me is heady but tempered by the fact that I can I count his pain. Seven small, round white scars dot his chest, and it’s deep, dark purgatory to see this hideous, evil desecration of his beautiful body. Who would do this to a child?

 And Ana is now just pleased as a pig in shit that she can touch him freely since she knows the where to touch/where not to touch! I still think this was far more complicated than need be, but at this point I'm just glad we can get past the whole touching thing already.

“Those are the boundaries,” he says quietly, his eyes dark and pupils dilated . . . from fear? From lust? I want to hurl myself at him, but I restrain myself and gaze at him in wonder.
“I can live with those. Right now I want to launch myself at you,” I whisper.

And then she does just that. Tragically, the sex is waiting for us in the next chapter. I know, I know, I was really hoping for a hilarious sex scene to break all this up, but EL James doesn't like us that much you guys.

So, tune in next Tuesday for... what ever I run next Tuesday, and next Thursday for chapter 6! As always, comments make me want to work on this project more so you should leave lots telling me and my poor liver how awesome we are. Also for those of you who just can't get enough of me, I'm now on Twitter @SnappyErika!

*WHICH IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! YOU DO NOT USE DUCT TAPE, NORMAL ROPE, AND ZIP TIES IN BONDAGE BECAUSE IT IS DANGEROUS! There are better, safer alternatives, which as someone into the "scene" Grey should be very educated about. It isn't like Grey needs to save the money by being cheap on his sex supplies.

**Cook is the random schlep who works in a kitchen. Chef is the one running the kitchen. They are the boss. Sous-Chef is second in command (think assistant manager) while we're at kitchen terminology. They are all very different things. Cooks are not chefs. [/end food wizard rant]

50 Shades Darker Chapter 3

So I am with my family as I write this chapter. Which means I am reading 50 Shades Darker with my parents and siblings in the same room while they watch TV. On the up side it means that there is already a drink in hand! LET THE AWKWARD GIGGLING AND GROANING COMMENCE!

Last chapter Ana and Grey agreed to get back together and reset the rules with a grandiose gesture of him forcing the gifts she had given back onto her again, along with an iPad loaded with a mixed tape and a shit ton of books. Now they're dating like normal people who happen to have kinky sex, no rules, no punishment, and Ana still isn't allowed to touch him. He also revealed his Dark Tragic Past TM in more detail in that his Mother was a crack whore who didn't protect him from her pimp and killed herself in front of him leaving him alone with her corpse for four days.

This chapter opens with Ana levitating from the force of her sheer glee, glad she no longer owns a car because it means that she can listen to the iPad on the bus on the way to work! As she happily levitates into the office, her boss naturally notices she seems... different.

“Good morning, Ana. You look . . . radiant.” His remark flusters me. How inappropriate!

He then politely asks her to do some work. I've got mixed feelings on this one. I don't think telling an employee that they look nice is inappropriate, per say, but I also think she is well within reason for being uncomfortable with him saying such. It isn't like he's leering and saying "nice shirt" or anything, but telling her that when she looks happy for a change she looks radiant. I kind of wish Ana would say something to him at this point. This would be a safe point to speak up, I think? Nothing has had time to become established, so it will just seem like "nipping this in the bud" and not be a big dramatic thing. "I know you're being nice/mean well/etc but it makes me uncomfortable when a boss offers compliments on my appearance. I know you mean well but could you please try and tone it down?" Maybe I'm just too broken by kitchens when smacking someone in the ass with a spatula is totally fair game, so what do you guys make of Jack Hyde? I anticipate he will become a caricature of the sexually abusive boss, offering Ana raises in exchange for blow-jays, but who knows. I got a pretty big shock last chapter when Grey offered to reboot the whole relationship, I'm not confident in myself anymore on making these calls.

So Ana is at work, and like anyone who just got a break in the publishing world, which isn't known at all for being competitive or something like that, is spending a fair bit of her day e-mailing her boyfriend, from her work account. The usual banter/nagging ensues, down to talking about making each other beg about sexeh timez later. I work in a kitchen. The fact that I have a work e-mail is bizarre, and there is a tag in my work email, a little message that warns me that my emails are monitored. When I get emails from The Boy from his work account, there is an automated signature that says it is a monitored email address and everything I get from it is confidential. The same thing with his old email from his old job. I get that Ana doesn't computer, but I don't remember ever not knowing that work emails are monitored. Which is why I am so miffed at Ana for using it to send cute/sexy emails about being bored and wanting to jump his magical unicorn boner over her work address when she has a blackberry that can send emails.

I get that writing characters a very different age than you can be hard, but has she not met a 21 year old at all ever? Or have no cultural awareness? Or... done even a little bit of research on it? Like, read Cosmo or something? Made any effort at all?

Naturally Grey needs to point out to Ana that her emails are probably monitored, because there wouldn't be things like tags and signatures or a legal mandate that she be alerted of such things. Grey needs to explain to the little wimmin how email works! Ana's response was to go and delete all the inappropriate emails, because that will make them all magically go away! I half expect Jack to come and harass her about it because there was some sexual over tones to the emails and it would be an easy lead.

So Jack tells Ana that the ominous drinks he invited her out for is a weekly group thing, and Ana goes outside to have a random disheveled woman in a designer trench coat with slit wrists starts to talk to her.

I turn expectantly, and an ashen young woman approaches me cautiously. She looks like a ghost—so pale and strangely blank.
“Miss Anastasia Steele?” she repeats, and her features stay static even though she’s speaking.
“Yes?”
She stops, staring at me from about three feet away on the sidewalk, and I stare back, immobilized. Who is she? What does she want?
“Can I help you?” I ask. How does she know my name?
“No . . . I just wanted to look at you.” Her voice is eerily soft. Like me, she has dark hair that starkly contrasts with her fair skin. Her eyes are brown, like bourbon, but flat. There’s no life in them at all. Her beautiful face is pale, and etched with sorrow.
...
She laughs, a strange, discordant sound that only feeds my anxiety.
“What do you have that I don’t?” she asks sadly.

And the woman wanders off with leaving Ana with an ominous feeling that she has something to do with Grey! I'm wondering if this is his ex Dom Elena or an ex sub who he left ruined. Considering this woman (who we are given no gauge of how old she is. Young woman to me is anything under 35, and we're never given a real gauge of how old Elena was supposed to be) knew Ana's name, and where to find her I'm going to guess Grey's ex/friend who he still talks to/woman who molested him as a child/business partner. I don't think he still talks to any of his old Subs, and if he does I don't think he'd have told them about Ana/where she works.


Ana wanders into the bar, forgetting the whole thing, and starts chatting with her co-workers and Claire starts to ask casual chatty questions. This is Ana's response:

My patented distraction technique works and I’m saved.

She's saved from having to talk about herself at all. We get some details about Claire, has siblings and isn't from around there. What I find interesting about this is that Ana is constantly seeing people trying to get to know her or asking how she's doing as super invasive. The most innocent questions are seen as an inquisition. She's actually a very private person, to the point of being guarded and closed off. I don't think we're supposed to take that away from the character, because we don't see her doing that with Grey, but she does it with literally every person she encounters. Her Mother, her best girlfriend, her Dad, her best dude friend, people at work she thinks she can be friends with, she keeps her cards close. I suppose this plays more into Bella Swan, the character she's based off of, also being a rather private person, but I don't think we're supposed to get that from Ana. People say how she's smart and generally wonderful but she actively avoids talking in conversation. She has a patented method to turn the conversation onto the other person for just that reason! So I'm surprised that Ana's actions all scream "I AM A PRIVATE AND QUIET PERSON" but no one ever interacts with her in this way.

So Ana keeps chatting with her new coworkers and drinking and I am once again frustrated that we don't get to see any of these conversations. We're just told that Ana talks to her coworkers. Some are named, some aren't. And on it goes. Until she interacts with someone who has romantic interest in her, or who will talk to her about Grey.

Jack then corners Ana at the bar and proves my point because we see this conversation.

“Ana, think you made the right decision coming here?” Jack’s voice is soft, and he’s standing a bit too close. But I’ve noticed that he has a tendency to do this with everyone, even at the office. My subconscious narrows her eyes. You’re reading too much into this, she admonishes me.

Alright, so, trigger warning time: Sexual assault, normalization, lack of agency!

I was ranting that James wouldn't handle the topic well, but this actually rings very true. You do try to normalize things, "He does this with everyone" "I'm the one who's making a big deal out of it." and the reason you try to normalize it is because it's dangerous and risky to speak up. You don't want to be a shit disturber. You don't want to cause trouble or drama. The fact that many women have stories of trying to speak up against sexual harassment in the work place and end up getting fired for it means the fear isn't unfounded. In the face of sexual harassment you're going to try and normalize it, because you don't want to be a victim. If it isn't sexual harassment then you're not a victim and nothing is wrong! You don't NEED to speak up!

“Do you live far?”
“The Pike Market district.”
“Not far from me.” Smiling, he moves even closer and leans against the bar, effectively trapping me. “Do you have any plans this weekend?”

Grossgrossgrossgrossgross.


Who hasn't seen this dude at the bar? This is the point where Ana should say "Antiquing with my boyfriend" instead she, shockingly, feels trapped and scared! It has taken me years to train myself to actually say shit like that when guys start to edge in on me, because it is terrifying when they do. What if they don't react so well? Maybe I should just seem scared and polite and hope that they get the hint and think I'm boring and move on? Maybe if I mention my boyfriend/fiance he'll move on? So Ana's terror here is... about right. The fact that this is her boss trapping her in a corner, commenting that she lives really close and hey by the way what are you up to this weekend? SUPER CREEPY AND INAPPROPRIATE! If he really is like this with everyone, why has no one else commented on this, or warned her, or or- aerfkhe.

ERIKA HAS RUN INTO A PROCESSING ERROR. REBOOT ERIKA RECOMMENDED.

REBOOTING.

LOADING.

ERIKA IS BACK ONLINE.

Ana, and the reader, are saved from Jack by Grey turning up. Ana can sense Grey enter the bar (no really) before she sees him. She knows he has entered because she gets a spontaneous lady-boner. "Hmm, I have started to gush like a fire hose. Must mean Grey's in the room" see? Further proof that he is in fact a warlock using black magic glamor.

Christian drapes his arm around my shoulder in a seemingly casual display of affection—but I know differently. He is staking a claim, and on this occasion, it’s very welcome.

I want to snark this, but honestly? I've been there. "Oh thank god meat shield." Still, shockingly, I'm still irked that Grey is going to the THIS IS MINE! thing.

I can’t help but feel relieved, safe, and excited with his arm around me. He draws me to his side, and I glance up at him while he stares at Jack, his expression impassive. 
....
Jack shuffles back uncomfortably.

"OH NO I AM INFRINGING ON ANOTHER MAN'S PROPERTY!"

“I’m the boyfriend,” Christian says with a small, cool smile that doesn’t reach his eyes as he shakes Jack’s hand. I glance up at Jack who is mentally assessing the fine specimen of manhood in front of him.
“I’m the boss,” Jack replies arrogantly. “Ana did mention an ex-boyfriend.”

Ugh. This reminds me of the Firefly episode where Mal and Wash basically start fighting over who Zoe likes better. Wash, her husband, or Mal, her old war buddy/boss/good friend. The whole episode is a little icky on this one. The whole "I'm her boyfriend" "Well I'm her boss!" "NO YOU BIGGER!" childish and creepy. The fact that Jack is tossing out "she mentioned an ex" has stripped him of any potential credibility. It's grossly inappropriate, simply because you don't say that to a person you think may have just gotten back together with their ex. You don't say that to the boyfriend of your new employee, or any employee. What if they had just gotten back together, or were a new couple? There's no way to take this that isn't grossly immature and inappropriate. I bet Jack thinks he's a Nice Guy and girls just always go for big jerks like Grey, too.

Ana gets no support from her new work buddy, Clair, as these two start basically fighting over Ana, because she's too busy dripping at the sight of Grey. Grey then declares it is TIME FOR THEM TO GO EXIT STAGE LEFT! Jack isn't too pleased.

“Why did that feel like a pissing contest?” I ask Christian as he opens the car door for me.
“Because it was,”
 
This will be interesting when Ana goes back to work on Monday.

“Your boss, Jack Hyde, is he good at his job?”
Whoa! That’s a sudden change in direction? I frown. “Why? This isn’t about your pissing contest?”
Christian smirks. “That man wants into your panties, Anastasia,” he says dryly.
...
“That’s the point. He wants what’s mine. I need to know if he’s good at his job.”
I shrug. “I think so.” Where is he going with this?
“Well, he’d better leave you alone, or he’ll find himself on his ass on the sidewalk.”

This is interesting to me. Grey has decided that any man who talks to Ana wants in her pants, and has been... not so nice to these men simply because he believes they want into Ana's pants. In this case, Jack does obviously want into Ana's pants and given Grey reason to believe that he can't be trusted to act professionally. Him declaring "I WILL RUIN HIM IF HE LAYS A FINGER ON YOU!" is... ridiculous, but for once, I am totally on board with the fantasy that is being sold here. Grey goes on to point out if he's acting inappropriately that she needs to tell him because it is sexual harassment and that is bad. When I try and talk about my experiences being sexually harassed in the work place, I'm met with a lot of "They were just joking/you're reading too much into it/etc". If I had told someone, and they believed me without question or comment, I would count that as a huge fucking win. If they didn't doubt me and could do something about it? Oh, god, the giant pile of baked goods they would get from me.* So while I think this is ridiculous and awful that rather then giving Ana the tools to deal with it herself or offering support he is simply screaming "I WILL SLAY THE BITCH!"

Ana however points out that Grey doesn't have the ability to fire Jack. OR DOES HE?

“You’ve bought it. SIP. Already.”
He blinks at me, warily. “Possibly.”
“You have or you haven’t?”
“Have.”
What the hell? “Why?” I gasp, appalled. Oh, this just is too much.
“Because I can, Anastasia. I need you safe.”
“But you said you wouldn’t interfere in my career!”
“And I won’t.”

The following was the conversation I had after I read this:

Erika: OH GOD 50 SHADES GREY BOUGHT THE COMPANY ANA WORKS FOR

Time Lord: ...

No

That can't

No

What

what

(no)

Ana is, shockingly, furious. He didn't tell her- he wasn't going to either, I imagine, that he had bought the company she worked for simply because she worked there. So Ana is now going to have to be super careful no one finds out that she's dating the owner of her company- or that he bought it because she worked there. Everyone would be terrified to so much as look at her. She would never be able to get another job elsewhere, because that is the sort of thing that spreads. She also needs to try and wrap her head around how obscene this is. He bought the company she works at. To keep her safe. If they get in a fight she now needs to worry about what he might do. In trying to give Ana more power over her environment he has effectively stripped it all away.

Ana, still pissed as hell, gets out of the car and starts to storm to her apartment. Grey follows, and tries to explain that he was going to buy SIP anyways so really it's all cool. Ana doesn't agree.

“Technically, I’m your boss’s boss’s boss.”
“And, technically, it’s gross moral turpitude—the fact that I am fucking my boss’s boss’s boss.”
“At the moment, you’re arguing with him.” Christian scowls.
“That’s because he’s such an arse,” I hiss.

He actually just tried to pull the "You know you work for me now" card. I don't even- I- Wha- No. Just, no. However Ana calling him an arse is just soooo cute that he bursts into giggles and the two of them move on from being pissed off at each other.

“As ever, Miss Steele, you are unexpected.” He leans back and gazes at me, his eyes dancing with humor. “So are you going to invite me in, or am I to be sent packing for exercising my democratic right as an American citizen, entrepreneur, and consumer to purchase whatever I damn well please?”
“Have you spoken to Dr. Flynn about this?”
He laughs. “Are you going to let me in or not, Anastasia?”

Augh. Once again, he weasels past Ana's legitimate question.
"This action is grossly inappropriate and I think you should talk to your therapist about it"
"Are we fucking or not?"

I am still mad at him—his stalking knows no bounds, and it dawns on me that this is how he knew about the e-mail being monitored at SIP. He probably knows more about SIP than I do. The thought is unsavory.

Or he knew about it because 9 out of 10 large companies do it.

So Ana watches him stalk around her apartment, annoyed as all hell at his blatant disregard of boundaries. Until his black magic glamor washes over her and she remembers she loves him and they're back together and then she's back to feeling pretty good about this relationship. Then comes the sex! Hooray!

He leans down, and again I think he’s going to kiss me, but he doesn’t.
“Do you want me to kiss you, Anastasia?” he whispers softly in my ear.
“Yes,” I breathe.
“Where?”
“Everywhere.”
“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that. I told you I am not going to touch you until you beg me and tell me what to do.”
My inner goddess is writhing on her chaise longue. I am lost; he’s not playing fair.

"I won't fuck you until you start to give me instructions" isn't unfair, it's fun. Or forcing you to actually consider what you do and don't like in the sack. Neither are bad things.


I reach up, and immediately he steps back.
“No, no,” he chides, his eyes suddenly wide and alarmed.
“What?” No . . . come back.
“No.” He shakes his head.
“Not at all?” I can’t keep the longing out of my voice.
He looks at me uncertainly, and I’m emboldened by his hesitation. I step toward him, and he steps back, holding up his hands in defense, but smiling.
“Look, Ana.” It’s a warning, and he runs his hand through his hair, exasperated.
“Sometimes you don’t mind,” I observe plaintively. “Perhaps I should find a marker pen, and we could map out the no-go areas.”

Ana is just a bitch here. He has yesterday revealed he doesn't like being touched because of a history of specific horrific abuse to explain WHY he didn't want to be touched. Her response is to ignore it and try to push for him to compromise on it. I don't think she's wrong to point out that "there are some places that are and are not okay and I would like to know what is and isn't okay" but when she sees him looking alarmed and scared, it means you table that shit and come back to it later. I just- augh. If she can't respect his boundaries how can he respect hers?

Grey then declares that there will be no sex at the moment, they must eat first!

If only my seduction skills were better, I’d know what to do, but not being able to touch him does hamper me.

You're allowed to touch his junk. Just tell him to turn his head and cough! She doesn't and they go off to the grocery store because Ana has absolutely no food in her apartment. Oh, joy, more delay to the hilarious sex scene. EL JAMES YOU KNOW WHAT I AM IN THIS BOOK FOR WHY YA GOTTA BE LIKE THIS?!

Two women coming in stop and stare. Oh yes, eye my Fifty Shades, I think despondently.

My precioussss!

So they get back to her place and she muses how she doesn't know him that well despite the fact that he has been inside of her. He then tells her he'd like to help with dinner but OH NO HE'S NEVER TOUCHED A COOKING IMPLEMENT IN HIS LIFE!

What.

“I’d like to help.” His expression is sincere.
“You can chop the vegetables.”
“I don’t cook,” he says, regarding the knife I hand him with suspicion.
“I imagine you don’t need to.” I place a chopping board and some red peppers in front of him. He stares down at them in confusion.
“You’ve never chopped a vegetable?”

How were you planning to help not knowing how to cook? My parents made damned sure growing up that I knew how to take care of myself. I knew how to cook, clean, and launder growing up because otherwise they were counting it as a fail. I understand that many people don't feel the need to make damned sure that their kids can cook and such, but he went off to university. Did he not learn even the most basics there? I have some friends who's ability to boil water I am suspect of. However I have for some masochistic reason still let them into my kitchen and help out. How can you not know how to cut a vegetable? I just- I get that as a Food Wizard these things are more basic to me than many, but really? He's never even cut vegetables?! My liver. It hurts.


Ana shows him how to chop a pepper- sexily. That is going on the list of sentences I never expected to write but have. Because of this book. Ana bats her eyelashes- a shit ton- and innocently keeps rubbing her ass on him as they start cooking. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T OBVIOUS AT ALL!

“If you do that again, Anastasia, I am going to take you on the kitchen floor.”
Oh, wow. It’s working. “You’ll have to beg me first.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“Maybe.”
...
“I think we’ll eat later,” he says. “Put the chicken in the fridge.”
This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.

Yay hilarious sex scene time! Disappointing that EL James missed an opportunity for sexy kitchen times, or sexy chicken times. Maybe they'll bust out the chicken suit later?

Mmmm. Yeah you do.

Also Ana I'm glad we have both encountered a new turn of phrase today. I feel we're bonding- which is strange because you're a fictitious character and (as far as I know) I am not. Also Grey made a biiig show about "NO WE MUST EAT FIRST" but the second he's got a bigger boner it's go time? Diiiiick!

So they stand there staring at each other before licking the inside of each others mouths and heading to the bedroom. Again, why NOT the kitchen? They're alone in the apartment. Right there on the counter! He also carries her to the bedroom with NO EFFORT AT ALL because Grey is super fit and strong and manly and perfect. 

Holy crap. “Undress me.” I am panting already.
He smiles and hooks his index finger into my open shirt, pulling me toward him.
“Good girl,” he murmurs, and without taking his blazing eyes off mine, slowly starts to unbutton my shirt.

I've noticed this before, but it seems if you're wearing a a button up shirt in fiction your odds of getting laid triple. Which makes me more sad that I can't wear them. The girls, they are too mighty to be restrained by buttons. So what I'm saying here is if you really want to pick up, wear a button up shirt. That is what media has taught me. 

“Tell me what you want, Anastasia.” His eyes smolder and his lips part as he takes quick shallow breaths.
“Kiss me from here to here,” I whisper trailing my finger from the base of my ear, down my throat. He smoothes my hair out of the line of fire and bends, leaving sweet soft kisses along the path my finger took and then back again.
“My jeans and panties,” I murmur, and he smiles against my throat before he drops to his knees in front of me. Oh, I feel so powerful

"And next do my laundry and clean my toilet with a toothbrush. Your toothbrush. And let me ride on your back like Yoda while you do"

Oh, he’s taking no prisoners. Embarrassed I quickly point at the apex of my thighs, and he grins wickedly. I close my eyes, mortified, but at the same time beyond aroused.

Why are women so embarrassed about speaking up and saying things like "Please bend me over the sofa, slather maple syrup all over my body, pick an orifice and go to town"? 

He kisses me and unleashes his tongue, his joy-inspiring expert tongue.

When Grey is feeling particularly philanthropic he just walks down the street sticking his tongue out to inspire joy in everyone he walks past. 

So Ana stands up, points at her junk, and then the bed while grunting loudly that it is MOTHER FUCKING GO TIME!

He stands and gazes down at me, and his lips glisten with the evidence of my arousal.

Or saliva. 

So now it's Ana's turn to strip him down to his skivvies, well, his underpants. Shirt stays on. Because taking it off means touching, I guess?

So she gets down on her knees to take his pants off- because THAT'S MORE SEXY! NOW SMELL HIS PEENY WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE!

Very tentatively, I put him in my mouth and suck—hard. Mmm, he tastes good.
“Ahh. Ana . . . whoa, gently.”

I've never understood the phrase "She could suck a gold ball through a garden hose" being a good thing. That just sounds... painful.

“Please what?” he murmurs between my breasts

I like to think he's talking TO her breasts to be honest. I can't be the only person who has to deal with that, right? "DAMN IT MAN THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO DO FOR DINNER THEY DON'T HAVE A MOUTH AND THE ABILITY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS OR EAT!"**

So then they fucking, reaaaaaaal slow until Ana begs for him to pick up the pace.

He gazes down at me in triumph and kisses me hard, then really starts to move—holy cow, a punishing, relentless . . . oh fuck—and I know it will not be long. He sets a pounding rhythm. I start to quicken, my legs tensing beneath him.

Ow? I mean, I get that sometimes that is exactly the way to go about it, but Ana seems to consistently just need to be hammered away on and BLAM ORGASMS EVERYWHERE! Must be... nice?

His words are my undoing, and I explode, magnificently, mind-numbingly, into a million pieces around him, and he follows calling out my name.
“Ana! Oh fuck, Ana!” He collapses on top of me, his head buried in my neck

I'm picturing a broken marionette on a pile of broken glass. I mean, Ana must be made of glass if she keeps shattering so often.

And that brings us to the end of this truly insane chapter. I just- have at this shit in the comments, I'm out of pineapples. Till next Tuesday dear readers!



*This is not code for anything. I would bake them all of the things
**Totally a thing that I've had to say. Frequently.