Tuesday, February 19, 2013

This is what happens when I ransack my piles of old writing

I have been going through old abandoned never really started writing on my computer. I've been looking for ideas, or characters, I may want to rescue. There are a few things that were promptly set on fire to never be spoken of again, but I've had a few things that are totally useable. However, in this ongoing quest (there is a LOT of old writing on my computer. I have stuff from high school) I found this. Some context:

The summer this was written I had just finished college, moved, started a new job, and broken up with my ex of significance all in the span of a week. I was not in a great place that entire summer, but I was starting to get back on my feet and giving some thought to dating. I was working mostly with women my own age, and they were all talking about online dating and all these dates they went on and how much fun they had on it. I didn't want to commit to an actual profile on something, so I set up a secondary e-mail and put an add on Craig's list. This is what 22 year old me came up with. 

Hello there!

I see you're interested in taking over the world. Or rather, helping me do so, if you're just planning to over throw me once all is said and done, then please don't bother, for I am far too cunning for your schemes of mutiny, and they will never work. If I'm so clever why do I need your help to take over the world? Well, because I can't seem to build a giant killer robot for the life of me, ok? It's not something I'm proud of. However, like a good future ruler of the entire world, I know I can not just allow myself to run into the same road block over and over again, just because I'm too proud to admit that I'm failing. So, I look to you, a mad scientist, or maybe some sort of strategic mastermind, to help me take over the world. If your expertise do not fall into those realms, but you feel you would still be a valuable addition to the team, I still look forward to hearing from you!

Although I suppose you want to know a bit about the woman you'd be working with now, huh?

I am 22, but only physically.
I enjoy long walks across the desolated wastelands of what was once my enemies homes, feasting on the hearts of those who have opposed me in the most public manner possible, and climbing mountains to try and find the perfect place to build my fortress as well as designing said fortress.
It's going to have a ball pit, AND a bouncy castle! Or maybe it will just BE a bouncy castle?

What will happen once I take over the world:

Any mention of Christmas before December 1st will be punishable by death.
Shopping carts will be an acceptable form of transportation.
Talk like a Pirate day will be a national holiday.
So will pretend to be a time traveler day.
There will be very detailed and carefully thought through plan for what will happen in case of zombies.
The media will stop showing stick thin women and rugged, muscled men, for ads, and instead only be allowed to use Iguanas to avoid image issues.
Since the world will be one nation, instead of trying to come up with one animal to represent us, the national animal will be some sort of muppet.
All proposals for everything will be made in the form of mad-libs.

There is naturally much more, but I feel this is enough to give you a fair idea of what type of over lord I will be, and if you're interested in working with me.

Hope to hear from you soon.

The future ruler of the world. 

I apparently got more responses in a day then my co-workers in a week. Also I may be a reformed manic pixie dream girl. Don't judge me. 


  1. Personally, I think capital punishment for the C-word might be a little much, except perhaps for those who stubbornly refuse to reform. Imprisonment, on the other hand...

    Since the world will be one nation, instead of trying to come up with one animal to represent us

    Clearly, our national animal should be the human. Humans are a pretty decent representation of us.

    All in all, though, you sound like quite the up-and-coming overlady, and I would be honoured to be your minion.

  2. But did you meet any of the people who responded to that ad? I'd think they would be fairly interesting themselves, to click with your rather unusual profile.

    1. I ended up going out with one a few times, and he was fun, but I started seeing The Boy before I got too far into my experiment and lost all interest in dating other dudes.

    2. My BotLord brings all the dudes to the yard
      And they're like "Aughughergauuuuuuggggggh"
      Damn right that's a particle gun

      I'm just saying that it's hard to stay interested in a puddle.

  3. Can i marry you a bit?