A page of ZOMG PARENT LOVE however leads to this.
What does Christian know of love? Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years.
Okay, so, I have ranted, and ranted, about how this is a Developmental Psychology Fail. I'm sure you guys don't care anymore, but I need to point something else out. Yes, that sort of shit would affect a kid, and could into their adult life. It would not affect them in a way they were likely terribly self aware of, and it wouldn't be something as specific as "no touching and into BDSM" but rather "they have had developmental issues" type thing. I also want to rage that EL James goes to such great lengths to explain Grey is into BDSM because he's damaged. Which is very harmful, and disrespectful, to the BDSM community.
I need Christian Grey to love me. This is why I am so reticent about our relationship – because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.
And here I thought I could get through this chapter without a drink.
Ahh, Somersby, you understand me, don't you? Alright. Lets try to unpack this nonsense. So, firstly, need? Really? No. You NEED food and shelter. You will survive and eventually get over Grey not loving you, if he didn't. Secondly, being apprehensive about a relationship because you're super into the dude seems backwards. I mean, I get forcing yourself to take it slow because you're waaay too into him and don't want to come on super strong out the gate, but, that isn't what's going on here, is it? Also, why is wanting to be loved and cherished a "deep-seated compulsion" as to... basic human instinct? Wanting to have people who love and value you isn't strange, it's normal and healthy. It's what you DO with those wants/needs that make it a problem. I think the only person who hates Ana more than me is Ana**. Yikes. There is a lot of self loathing as well as internalized-patriarchy (sorry to those of you who's eyes just glazed over). There is an expectation that women should be happy with what we're given and not be greedy and high maintenance and ask for more. More being "love and respect" in this case. Ana thinks there is something wrong with wanting a partner who will love and cherish her, as to thinking of that as "basic condition for a relationship". I hate that EL James is slipping this shit into erotica aimed at women.
Ana continues to angst over Grey's damage and how she doesn't know if he even can love! No, really, that is in the text with no sense of irony. She is haunted and disturbed by the thoughts of his TRAGIC PAST and how TRAGIC he is because he's just so SAD AND TRAGIC! DID I MENTION HE'S TRAGIC? TOTES IS BITCHES!
So they e-mail back and forth and it sounds like typical Grey and Ana e-mails but Ana decides at the end of their exchange that Something Is Up with Grey. There is next to nothing in text to support this. I looked. The Situation is alluded to again, and I'm sure whatever the Situation is will be awful and make me want to punch things.
I become aware that once again the only empty seat is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous – no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely.
Except for Grey. Oh God. Guys. Do you think he really did? Ana has some decent instincts. She is aware that Grey's behavior is jealous and controlling and stalkerish. She doesn't catch onto the abusive, but still, she has observed the red flags. I am immensely bothered that she isn't bothered by them at all. I mean- right. Warlock.
Naturally Grey is busy dealing with The Situation so Taylor picks up Ana and... is really fucking boring. Taylor just has no personality. Ana is suffocating under his inability (or unwillingness) to maintain a conversation. So she asks him to put on some music. Being a man living the classy life, he chooses Pachelbel’s Cannon. The song apparently lasts until they get to Grey's.
Why am I so nervous? And I know it’s because I have no idea what kind of mood Christian’s going to be in when I arrive. My inner goddess is hopeful for one type of mood, my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves.
YOU FEAR HIS MOODS. RUN! RUN FAST!
So we get a hint of what The Situation is. "No trace of her...". I'm guessing his sister or Mrs. Robinson has gone missing. He gets off the phone and then leaps upon Ana, going tongue first because he's so eager. Guys, never go tongue first. Never. She describes things as "almost" hurting but she's so into it that Grey is going to have to have to buy a new mop.
His tongue is relentless, strong and insistent, laving me – swirling round and round, again and again – non-stop.
Grey uses his vortex tongue to then summon his dark lord. The end.
Sadly, no.
He grabs my face with both hands, holding me firmly, and he kisses me hard, thrusting his tongue into my mouth so I can taste my arousal.
Do you think EL James took classes on how to write sexy from someone's Granny? And then they fuck. He heaves her against the wall and it's over and done pretty quick. He's all "COME SHOWER WITH ME" and they get to the fucking before they get to the shower. Ana is too busy gushing over all this lust and hormones to wonder what the hell is going on (though she did try to ask earlier, in her defense) and this is all just so trite.
He undoes the next three buttons of his shirt, removes the cufflinks, tugs it over his head, and discards it on the floor.
Wait, he was just chilling out in his apartment. He wears cufflinks around the apartment? Or was he doing work stuff earlier in the day instead of dealing with what ever crisis has popped up? So he starts to scrub Ana down, she tells him about her new job, and about Jose's art exhibit and asks him to go. He doesn't loose his mind, shockingly, and agrees to go. Grey is much calmer now, until Ana asks if she can scrub him down. He says no, and she asks if she can touch him because OH MY GOD ANA WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST FOR ONE FUCKING CHAPTER?! Grey's response is to stick it in her.
“Put your hands on the wall Anastasia. I’m going to take you again,” he murmurs in my ear as he grabs my hips, and I know that the discussion is over.
We don't even get to see the sex scene. We then flash forward to them chilling out at the breakfast bar. Ana tries to ask about The Situation again and Grey shrugs it off- none of her concern, and tells her to go get changed in her room and be in the play room in 15 minutes. He also tells Ana that he bought her an ass ton of clothes and don't say anything about it or else. Uhm? Okay? Ana is confused about him sending her to her room, and comments that her door has a lock, but no key. TERROR. Then we flash forward to her hanging out in the play room.
It’s what he wants – and after the last few days… after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs.
So, just to under line this. Ana thinks that since Grey pulled some Rom Com shit, she is obligated to fulfill his sexual wants and needs. She feels she owes him.
EL JAMES I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of them… run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes. Holy shit.
I guess this is the chapter EL James tries to make the book at least a little bit kinky?
“Don’t start with your smart mouth in here, Miss Steele. Or I will fuck it with you on your knees. Do you understand?”
I swallow instinctively. Okay. I blink rapidly, chastened. Actually, it’s his tone of voice, rather than the threat, that intimidates me.
Creeeeepppyyyy. Almost everything he says or does is threatening. Just want to point that one out. So, Grey reminds Ana of the safe words and tells her she won't be able to see or hear him, just feel. She won't hear him because he will be blaring music of his choosing from his iPod. I just face-palmed hard enough I may have given myself a black eye. Are you ready for a long series of title drops?
Okay. A musical interlude, not what I was expecting. Does he ever do what I expect? Jeez, I hope it’s not rap.
Agreeing.
So Grey takes her to the bed, says "This is where I'll be flogging you" and begins braiding her hair. He comments that he prefers pigtails but is too impatient to do that, so one braid. The way her hair is described makes me think it is likely stupid long. Like, down to her ass, or close.
“Touch it,” he whispers, and he sounds like the devil himself.
No, you get no context. He might be talking about his penis, he might be talking about a kitten. You'll never know.
“Good girl. Remember, most of your fear is in your mind.”
A frisson of trepidation mixed with tantalizing exhilaration sweeps through my body, making me wetter.
Soon Grey will have to start stripping her out of her panties and putting her into Depends.
Abruptly, the soft silent hiss and pop of the iPod springs into life. From inside my head, a lone angelic voice sings unaccompanied a long sweet note, and it’s joined almost immediately by another voice, and then more voices – Holy cow, a celestial choir – singing acapella in my head, an ancient, ancient hymnal.
Thankfully Ana doesn't know what song it is, so we're spared another title drop. Grey then begins to stroke her while wearing... a fur glove? I'm picturing cookie monster fuzzy gloves myself - because I used to own a pair of Cookie Monster blue fuzzy gloves.
Running his hands all over you.
I’m trying to anticipate where he’s going next… but the music… it’s in my head… transporting me…
Is Ana high? Did Grey drug her? Is she tripping balls? Because that is the only way this makes sense.
And then the flogging starts.
“Aagghh!” I cry out. It takes me by surprise, and it doesn’t exactly hurt, but tingles all over, and he hits me again. Harder.
“Aaah!”
I want to move, to writhe… to escape, or to welcome, each blow…
Did I mention that most of this is written.... like.... this with maybe... five words...? In between each ellipses...
I am dragged into a dark, dark part of my psyche that surrenders to this most erotic sensation. Yes – I get this.
Yeah you do.
Seriously, this is all painfully written. I get what EL James was going for. It was meant to be a sensuous sexy thing, but it reads in such a boring way. Stream of consciousness does not need to be littered with ellipses. I also can not even be knackered to go into any detail around the "angelic voices". Just, I got nothing. Nope. Sorry.
Taunting each of my nipples in turn… his tongue swirling round one while his fingers relentlessly tease the other…
He then steals her nipple's lunch money and makes it carry his backpack while calling it names.
So he starts to slobber on her cooter and riiiight as shes about to spew all over the place unties her legs, heaves them in the air, and then starts to pound away. She's supported by her shoulders. That sounds like a really uncomfortable angle for the neck and just- ow?
And as the number of voices in the choral piece increases… so does his pace, infinitesimally, he’s so controlled… so in time with the music.
So exploding orgasms everywhere for all. Even the maid down the hall. She doesn't know what's going on but daaaamn. So since EL James is incapable of not mentioning what every song they listen to is:
“It’s called Spem In Alium, or the Forty Part Motet, by Thomas Tallis.”
No, no youtube link for you. Go find it yourself. I don't want to know. Grey confesses that he's always wanted to fuck to that song. I have songs like that.
Though the odds of spraining the everything trying this one are high.
So Grey rubs Ana's shoulders with his knowing expert hands (gag) and Ana asks what she said in her sleep. He sums up her dream from last chapter and they banter a bit.
“And you are hiding something, Anastasia. I may have to torture it out of you.”
RUN BEFORE HE CHAINS YOU UP AGAIN! And this, boys and girls, brings us to the final chapter. Tune in next time to see THE EXCITING CONCLUSION! Seriously, this is the second last chapter? This book has no plot, awful pacing, abysmal character development...
Who knows, maybe in the last chapter we'll ditch everything and the book will start to not suck! Surprise! Grey is a Time Lord and now they're about to go off on epic adventures! As always, comments help stave off the soul sucking this book is causing me. Till next week!
*Assuming you don't have some tragic situation where it isn't. If that's the case, my condolences.
**And my liver.
