Thursday, July 19, 2012

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 8, in which they finally start banging.


Alright, so, warning, this is the chapter that they get to the boning, and while I'm not posting anything TOO explicit, I'm putting a NSFW warning here. I mean, I talk about blow jobs and fisting and tickling prostates with egg beaters, so I imagine this blog isn't very SFW to start with, but this chapter has the actual fucking, so, yeah. NSFW. Plus, when you're laughing as hard as I am as I wrote this (or I hope you are. I'm a little drunk, so that could be making me think I'm extra hilarious.) and someone asks you what on EARTH you keep giggling at, you might not want to explain to your cubicle mate that you're reading something making fun of porn. It'll be awkward, so, you've been warned. Continue at your own risk, and delight. Grab a drink kids, this one's going to be fun!

So Grey is freaking out that Ana is a virgin and he didn't know, because he now must sacrifice her to his Dark Lord Satan. Or the in text reason is because “Oh fuck I just showed a virgin my freaky sex room” which was notably missing a sex swing. If you're going to have a kinky sex room wouldn't you have a swing? And maybe a stripper pole? Come on now. So Grey calms down and once again offers Ana an out and she's all “Nah I'm good”. Grey asks some normal questions “Is there any special reason you've never been boned?” We get a confirmation that he actually wasn't her first kiss. She was kissed twice before, though I'm not sure by who. Is she counting Jose?

We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”
What do you mean? What situation?”
Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”
Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.
That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”
I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.
He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.
I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you re­ally need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense.

That's right, being a virgin is a situation. Still, Grey's not being a total dick hole here. He says he'll hold off on all the rigid rules and craziness and ease her into it so she can decide what she's going into because hot DAMN does he want a piece of her pasty mousy ass (hey, she calls herself mousy first!). He also keeps reiterating “I'm not going to push it do what you feel comfortable with.” which I'm going to assume is part of his black magic powers. The real reason he wants to bang her – NOW – is so he doesn't have to tie her to the cross in her dungeon to sacrifice her to his Dark Lord. So she consents after some lip nibbling to go to bed with him and they wander across the giant apartment to his bedroom. And then we get into the sex scene. I'm torn on how to handle this, do I put up the whole kit-and-caboodle and make this post totally NSFW? Do I just put excerpts to give you guys a feeling for it? No, I'm going to post single out of context lines. Why? Because it's funnier this way, and I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy this time around.

Ah,” I groan.

Because you need to verify that “ah” is what you're groaning.

He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.

Because James' editors refused to let her use the word “peepee”.

You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress.

His room IS decorated with aquatic themes, so maybe he just really enjoys him some fish? Also, I dunno about you, but I don't usually have the presence of mind to be all “Okay, blanket, floor” unless I'm tripping over it.

You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”
Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.

I get that this is the tender love making scene, but “can't wait to be inside you”? Couldn't go for “I can't wait to fuck you so hard you won't be able to form a full sentence for a week”?

How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”
I shake my head.
I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

Are you ready for Ana's first orgasm?! Because I sure am! BRING ON THE ORAL SEX!

Oh… I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him.
We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”

IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR TRAINING! Hey, he did say he'd “train” her earlier. Also, again with the baby. It seems... Wrong, from him. That said, I've always found “baby” or “babe” a weird and creepy term of endearment, as there is something totally unsexy about being a baby to me. It does play into him not wanting a woman but a girl he can control and play dress up with. Also, dude, don't you... You know, WANT her to move? No one wants to bang a dead fish unless- Oh God.

...and my nipples harden under his steady gaze....

... “Very nice,” he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more....

...and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.

This is all within a paragraph and a half. Nipples really can only get so hard. I'm sorry, James, but nipples can't cut glass. Do we need to sit down and have the talk many fan fiction writers need about how sex and anatomy actually work?

Wait, wait, time for Ana's first orgasm! Are you guys excited? I'm excited.

Oh… please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me?
Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces. He kisses me, deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries.
Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and awe on mine.

High-five Ana! Now you're a woman! Although she just had her first orgasm just from him playing with her nipples. I know that's actually a thing that can happen. There ARE women out there, but they are far and few between. So, bets on how many times Ana is going to orgasm this sack session? I'm going to guess three.

You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that, and it’s going to be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again.

Wait, isn't being super responsive a GOOD thing? Or is he afraid that she'll be raw and sore too quickly? :/

His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez.

Jeez?! That is your response to pending finger banging when you're still positively dripping? When you were begging for it moments ago?

You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more.

Vagina is there but clitoris, that's fine.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?
Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.”

And you wanted to give Kate the safe sex talk? I don't think you're qualified for that, Ana.

I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

No, Grey, you're supposed to be gentle with the first thrust, and THEN you build up to the rough thrusting. This? This would just hurt like a bitch, even with some rough finger blasting first.

Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

I just want to take a moment to revel in this for a moment. “Rips through my virginity”. I'm not the only one who burst out laughing at this, right? Please tell me I'm not alone on this one. Again, sounds less sexy, more hilariously uncomfortable. She totally just yelled “argh” during, too. Awesome.

I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me.

Want to know what would have let you acclimatize better Ana? Had he gone in slowly to start with and built up speed, rather then BAM and NOW we go sloooowly in and out, him double checking between each thrust. Don't get me wrong, no issue with a quick entrance here, but she IS a virgin, and, ow. I remember my first time. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is about as much as I was able to handle at that point because while it wasn't a ZOMG OW (because he was, you know, gentle because HEY I WAS A VIRGIN! Funny that.) and then about twenty minutes after that we went again to much better results. Go team? Anyways, I always see “feeling full” being used to describe a good dicking, but, I'm not the only one who's never ever wanted to use that phrase to describe their sexual encounters, right? "Full" sounds uncomfortable.I think of being bloated from eating too much.

He moves slowly at first, easing himself in and out of me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his.

WHY DID YOU NOT START WITH THAT?!?! You want to “train” her then this is the way to start, not “okay, on three...” So we get some more generic they fucking and then time for Ana's second orgasm!

I start to stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my… I didn’t know it would feel like this… didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only sensation... only him... only me… oh please… I stiffen.
Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me.

BUT YOU ALREADY SHATTERED WHICH MEANS HE'S JUST EJACULATING ONTO A PILE OF BITS! Man, I feel so sorry for his cleaning lady. Then again, he DOES have a dungeon, so... I guess this isn't much new for her. Okay, so, two orgasms. I was off.

Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.
You are asking me if you hurt me?”
The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically. “Seriously, are you okay?” His eyes are intense, probing, demanding even.
...
Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. I had no idea what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable.

I take back everything mean I've said about this book so far. This shit is HILARIOUS. I will never be able to look at laundry the same again. I don't think you guys even need me here this chapter. Okay, they're at it again, this time from behind!

I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.

Pinioned. Hee.

You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, his words heady, seductive.

Otherwise you're going on the cross in the dungeon and I'm sacrificing you to Satan after all! Doesn't matter that she hasn't checked the "I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions" box yet, she's his! His you hear me?!

You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear.

You said that already.

The effect is mind-blowing – all my energy concentrating on this one small space inside my body. I moan.
You like this?”

No, I'm just over here a dripping writhing mass because it's only alright.”

You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers.

Weren't you just saying you were going to break her of being so responsive earlier? I mean, this makes way more sense to me, but, huh?

Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly.
See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.”

Okay, I'm not the only one who thinks the phrase “Suck me, baby” belongs on a t-shit, am I? Also I'm not the only one who thinks that calling someone baby while asking them to suck a thumb adds an extra layer of creepy to the pet-name “Baby”, right?

His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly.

She's giving him the crazy eye as she sucks his thumb.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.

She has learned what she tastes like before he has. Bad Grey. Also, remember what I said about Kate was being established by things Ana said, but it didn't match with what she did? Because telling me something is erotic does not make it so.

Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair tighter, painfully, so I release him.
Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. “Stay still, don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair.

Hooray mouth fucking! She's also biting his thumb, not his dick, though it does have some concerning parallels for Grey at the moment. I'm also a little confused by the “Naughty, sweet girl,” line. It may be the vodka, but again, nothing Ana has done reads as “sweet” to me. She hasn't even giving him a super enthusiastic beej yet! Also I get bondage is immobilizing, but that's usually less about “I don't want you to move” and “I want you to be frustrated with your inability to move” which are kinda different, because you're still going to move. It has also occurred to me that Ana has done a lot of laying there and taking it.

I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.
Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Dude, her hymen was somehow magically still intact (I'm assuming it's fairly common knowledge that most girls pop theirs doing sports (or gym class) or using tampons before they actually have sex. Though he would have popped it when he finger blasted her during foreplay...) she's going to be sore. You also just took her virginity. Even if it was awesome, she's gonna be sore. Trust.

You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.”
I moan.
You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls.

HOW? IS? SHE? SWEET?! This. Is. Really. Starting. To. Bug. Me. Readers, help me out here. Alright, time for orgasm number 3! CALLED THE NUMBER!

His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair.

Because everyone always achieves simultaneous orgasm, amIrite? Ana then just passes right the fuck out, exhausted from her big day of boneing. I'm sad now, because now the banging is over which means that they'll be talking again. Booo.

Ana wakes up, in Grey's bed (I think? I don't think he moves her...) which is a No-No but it's not the first time. He's not there, though. He's playing the piano. And, oh, this is almost as good as the fucking.

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the en­trance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest of the large room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouch­able… lonely, in a bubble.

He has just boned the object of his obsession for... However long this book has been, (there was a time jump with exams) few weeks (?) and now he is sitting, sadly playing the piano. Naked. Naked. If he's someone who just prefers to me naked, hey, good on him, I also have a strong aversion to pants, but I don't think Grey IS a nudist. So Ana pads over, wrapped in nothing but the blanket,

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants.

Boooo.

I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the dark­ness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing.

He walks her back to bed, but his bed, not the special bedroom that she gets to decorate however she wants later.

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evi­dence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.
Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as he stands in front of me.

Do you clean your own dungeon, then? Also gross. Do you not own another set of sheets?

I realize that I’ve not seen his naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of dark hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach.
... I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on.

He also left his shirt on until he was fucking her from behind during, so he's got some hang up about being shirtless, despite the fact that we've seen him wandering around shirtless on several occasions. I think this is a carry over from when it was still fan fiction and he was still a vampire, but it's a bit strange. I get that we're supposed to notice it though, so, yeah. There's no mention of scars so I'm going to rule out surgery he's had in the past (though being scarred from that sort of thing would make him way more interesting to me personally.).

Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood.

DO YOU NOT OWN OTHER SHEETS GREY?!

Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a re­sidual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side.

Really?! I didn't get that from your narrative bashing me over the head with him playing sad music and being in his sad naked bubble (that was not naked at all you tease). Or the fact that the book is titled "50 Shades of Grey" to imply that he's SO DEEP!

And that brings us to the end of chapter eight. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did! Please, share your thoughts in the comments, they give me a happy.

115 comments:

  1. Good to know I'm not the only one who finds "Baby" to be the creepiest term of endearment ever. I vetoed that one pretty quick in my relationship.

    Also, I get that she has to be pure and untouched to be a proper fantasy. I don't agree, but apparently that's a thing that women who are not me like? But she can't have even touched herself? Really? Is being the most passive person ever actually most women's fantasy?

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    1. In fairness, I know I didn't fap until I was seventeen or eighteen. And I still don't very much. Some people just don't.

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  2. Brain. Brain not working now. Braaaaaaain.

    Okay. I can find something mundane to focus on. Ragepiano. Well, maybe not rage exactly, because he apparently bones her (sounding at least like he's enjoying the process like a mostly-normal-person) and then slips away to play the Anthem Of Inner Torment in his Spotlight Of Loneliness, and all I can think about is the scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon can only express All Of His Feels through a long spontaneous dance sequence inside the most convenient warehouse ever, complete with gymnastic-class bars and mats lying around. That was clearly ragedancing. I'm not sure what this is. I'm going to default to griefpiano until it's resolved. WHAT IS HIS TRAGIC PAST?

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  3. And of COURSE she has mind-blowing orgasms the first (three!) time(s). Cause it's JUST THAT EASY when the Magical Brooding One is your lovah!

    Love this snark - I look forward to it every week! :-)

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    1. Yes. My seething resentment, let me show you it. It's always some ~*~*~*maaaaagical*~*~* orgasm factory for creepily-immature Mary Sues, with none of the awkward moments or trial-and-error whoa-not-that moments that any person who's ever had any kind of sex will face at least once. I suppose these horrible men all have unicorn boners or something but seriously, I hate that even theoretical good sex is wasted on romance-novel characters.

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    2. The de-virginazation orgasm is actually a common trope in romance novels but one that I have always hated because in real life,it rarely ever happens.

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    3. I had a couple orgasms my first time, but then I'm not Ana. During my high school years I spent a lot of time figuring my own body out and masturbating like a son-of-a-bitch. No one in my hometown attracted me enough and I needed some way to calm down the raging hormones! Then when I got to college I found a guy who knew what he was doing and was willing to listen to my directions, and I actually had a pretty good first time. But like you said, instances of mind-blowing cherry-popping are few and far between. Hell I wouldn't even consider my experience mind-blowing, just damn better than all the horror stories I heard from girls in high school.

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  4. This probably needed a bottle all by itself. Kudos to you for getting through it and still being lucid enough to write the post.

    If this is the first time in bed for Ana, then the egg-beater tickling its going to be...intense, let's say. Also, being fantasy material, of course he's huge, but erm, I would think that means a lot more ow and a lot less zOMG, unless he's magically also able to know exactly where to go to not hurt her all of these times... vampire charm, maybe?

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  5. *snerk*

    If you have to use a euphemism like "there" to talk about your feel good bits, maybe you aren't ready for the hot multiple orgasm rough doin' its...

    I love the snark! I hope you don't get alcohol poisoning by the end of this stupid stupid book!

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  6. I am toasting you with a tiny bottle of Moscato, because clearly you have to be some sort of superior being to be able to read and analyze this lunacy without going completely bugnuts and climbing up a clock tower with a Supersoaker full of pudding.

    Which, doesn't that sound kind of fun?

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  7. Okay, since all my knowledge of this book is coming from you, I've got to ask - exactly how long did it take them to start banging? "Forever" is obviously the correct answer, but what's the page count? And how many pages are there total? How much of this porn novel was sexlessly creepy, rather than the other kind?

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  8. To everyone wishing my liver well, it thanks you.

    @Anonymous 2 - That is largely what disturbs me so much about these books. People are clamoring over themselves for a fantasy of a woman who willingly and happily strips herself of agency and power. In a world where women still have to fight to get and exercise these things.

    @Will - Is it wrong that I take so much delight in breaking your brain? Because I don't think that will ever loose it's appeal. Ever. Also Footloose set me up for years of disappointment in not being able to find conveniently placed warehouses to rage dance in.

    @mickeymo - Thanks! And one day I will write a chick-flick deconstruction that actually depicts a first time that COULD happen. I remember when I read the Sookie Stackhouse books back in high school just being glad they ACKNOWLEDGED that it hurt her as before they got to the mind blowing orgasms.

    @Ice - I likely will but I live in Canada, so, free health care!

    @ Fahnette- BRB getting a giant supersoaker and some pudding mixes.

    @ Vardulon - The book is 356 pages *whimper* and they start banging on page 79 (if only it had been 10 pages earlier...) but tragically not every chapter will be them fucking, so there's still plenty of time for more sexless creepyness.

    I will tease you all a little bit and say brace yourselves for chapter 10. I'll probably have to run it in two parts so I can get all the rage and awful at it out. I started off sober trying to write it. I did not end sober writing it. There was yelling at the computer. The Boy was confused.

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    1. The thing that really confuses me is who the fantasy is supposed to appeal to. I'm not a pure, chaste, untouched-even-by-my-own-hand woman, and I don't know very many women who are. I'm also not an agencyless passive woman, and I know absolutely no women like that. I understand why the ideal fantasy man is unattainable and impossible. I just don't get why I'm given a reader-insert character that I cannot relate to at all.

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    2. I wish you had left a name so I could credit you when I steal the phrase "unicorn boner" which I will be doing as soon as I humanly can.

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  9. Dear you,
    You are not allowed to do any more of these unless you've had at least three shots. Your commentary got more hilariously mean the more you drank and it was excellent. Carry on.
    -AdalynLeigh

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  10. Something that really bothered me was that, with all the finger banging and sex, how did she NOT get a yeast infection???

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  11. I'm changing my mind on the author. I don't think this fantasy is about her wanting to have kinky sex with a dominator, I think SHE wants to control a young virgin. (Didnt this just crank the creep factor through the roof?)

    Seriously, a virgin, who has never touched herself. Riiiight, suuuuure. Like she didn't touch herself with the freaking body wash in the shower.... DUH. And she goes on opretending she barely knows where IT will go and how it will fit. She never watched TV in her life?

    So far, except for the laughing (thank you!) this book doesn't do anything except make me so angry!!! (I'd start drinking too but I'm still at work lol)

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  12. So after pretty much being jack hammered her first time (ouch) she came three times? and two of those times simultaneously with Grey? That sounds believable.I know we are supposed to feel sorry for all the sadness of Christian play his sad song on his sad piano but all I could think of was emo bun.I know I have said it before but he's coming off more Patrick Bateman than Prince Charming.

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  13. is it realy suposed to be sexy to take her tampon out and have sex with her on her period?
    Reading that just made our decicion that this must be a crappy book. not worth the $12.
    i may have read that part on another website.

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    1. She bled on the sheets because it was her first time having sex, not because she was on her period.

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  14. I wrote better than this before I grew out of writing Snape fanfiction on MySpace. Gee whiz, I should have stuck with it and changed the names. I could have made a million.

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  15. I came across your page and I love it! Your comments make the book so much more intresting! I thought alot of the same things while reading. Thanks for the laugh!

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  16. This book sucks, I agree, but that fish comment was incredibly sexist.

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  17. This was posted on one of my favorite Facebook groups, Fifty Shades of Craptastic Grey (An Anti-Fan Page).

    What I posted there was: "BLURG. My skin isn't crawling, it's trying to LEAP off my body and slither under the fridge. Were it not for my skinny jeans I might be in critical condition right now."

    It's people like you who allow me to hate on these... books... with everything I have without actually having to pay money and put myself through the torture of reading them. There was a time when I believed that one shouldn't bash something one has not experienced. Two horrific (yet popular) series read in full later, and I'm finished with that philosophy.

    FSOG is the biggest pet peeve I've ever had, and I could not be more grateful for the faith in humanity I've regained from those who mock it so deftly. Thank you, Eri!

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  18. Woah i just heard of this book today haha It's not as bad as people say it is

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  19. This deflowering is very... cliche. I've seen this exact pattern time and time again: one big thrust to break the hymen, then a long pause to let the pain fade, then very slow, gentle motion until she's begging for more (indicating that the soreness is wearing off). It's like, Deflowering 101 or something.

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  20. I have to go to the store to buy this book RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

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  21. Omg. This is supposed to be awesome erotic fiction? I have read better Avon novels. I do read some romance novels, but usually they're not written by a horny 5th grader. Good one on you for decimating this atrocious piece of crap!!

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  22. Actually, the hymen 'popping' thing is a myth. You see the hymen does not cover the whole of the vagina, it's only a semi circle of *stretchy* membrane. When you have sex, masturbate, give birth - if you are lubricated and relaxed enough - the hymen *stretches* along with the vaginal walls to make space for the penis, vibrator, fingers, head of the baby.

    It is NOT meant to tear (and since it does not cover the whole of the vagina it cannot be 'popped' (and if it did cover the whole of your vagina, how does your period blood escape?)) it's meant to stretch during sex. It can be torn through not being prepared your first time, second, tenth, hundred, thousandth time. YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BLEED FROM YOUR VAGINA DURING SEX. EVER!

    If Ana is as wet as James describes her as, she should not have bled in any sense.
    Just thought I'd put that out there ^^.

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  23. I found this hilarious. Your opinions after each line made me laugh. I'm very glad I read this :) Totally made my night.

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  24. LMAO!!!!!!! Oh my gosh this was so great! My cousins have been fawning over this book and I've been in the shadows saying, "seriously? is it that great?" "Oh yes! Better even!"

    ROFL honestly, i masterbated alot as a tenn, but somehoe was a virgin at 20, and I can tell ya that no virgin I know would acually want her first time in a BDSM dungeon - unless she was a CSA survior in which case fantasizing about it is a norm, but acually wanting to do it is a bit different...

    But in any case this made my day!! I'm going to be giggling all week!

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  25. I never read this book. I heard so much good things about it, but now that I've read the excerpt, I see that it's nothing impressive. It's just another typical, crappy teen romance novel.

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  26. Stop....saying...baby -.-

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  27. OMG, this made me laugh so much, which I totally needed on this shitty day.
    I read the book(s), giving in to peer pressure, but this is actually way more fun.

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  28. Shit i hate this book..... i read it and practically couldnt sleep..... doesnt she have a freaking life and some self respect...... some people actually find that kinky bastard romantic..... get a life people..... xD

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  29. :D:D:D Now I see that the book was given the wrong genre. Thanks to the author for making my day!

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  30. John willy kik mehApril 1, 2013 at 1:07 AM

    I'm hard

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  31. Christina TenishaApril 3, 2013 at 7:48 PM

    LOOOL I laughed so much with this! your thoughts on each bit are hilarioua

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  32. Not all fan fic writers suck at writing erotic scenes though. ;) Unfortunately, you probably need to wade through millions of fan fic to get to the well-written ones. :) Thanks for reading this though, so we don't have to. ;)

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  33. Dare: Read this in an epic voice by a female friend.

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  34. "Baby" should never be used here.

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  35. This was quite funny I almost bought the book just to see what all the fuss was about but I'm glad I didn't its more arousing to just call up my boyfriend and have him talk dirty to me then to read this book (hats off to you who like this stuff though)

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  36. Reading your comments on this....I physically died laughing. This is too much. TOO MUCH! You're hilarious

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  37. I have a boner

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  38. BitchThisBookSUCKSJune 2, 2013 at 6:12 PM

    lolz! Exact process I go through when reading a book.. Especially this shit! Is this how this woman thinks life works? She needs help. I don't get the excitement AT ALL!

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  39. By the way, I don't think that Kate is the one you should not like. I think Ana is the one using HER. Ana doesn't get to pa rent, yet what we've seen is that she doesn't like Kate much (except when she SAYS she does). She doesn't care about Kate's interests or projects (just pretends to) and whenever Kate shows concern for Ana, Ana's like "That bitch, how dare she!" Kate (like myself) is a sharer - she's just randomly talks about stuff that's going on with her, because she likes keeping conversation and because she is fine with people knowing stuff about her. Ana (like my friends) is a more private person - she doesn't like talking randomly about whatever is in her life - maybe just the important stuff. On it's own that's totally fine, the problem is that whenever Kate shows concern for her or you know - friendship, Ana's annoyed. When she does something for Kate she annoyed and complains (even just to herself). This is not a normal response towards someone's FRIENDSHIP, is it? This also fits in with "Ana is a lesbian and in love with Kate, but is totally in the closet and conflicted about her own sexuality,"
    Btw, sorry for not writing this in a chapter where it's more relevant, but I had a problem with the comments.

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  40. Nasty-Sweet-Surgar-Darlin'June 29, 2013 at 6:08 PM

    Never read 50 shades if Grey, but hey this is way more fun and your prespective is awesome and hilarious

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  41. Not a horny 5th graderJuly 9, 2013 at 7:22 PM

    This whole thing had me Laughing so hard and the whole time I was thinking to myself That is exactly what I was saying when I read This book. And btw you are not alone by thinking him calling her baby is creepy ( Christian Grey is just creepy period ) And It is very much true Ana is anything but sweet. YOU ARE SCREWING THE DARK LORD HIMSELF AND ENJOYING IT!!!! THAT IS NOT SWEET AT ALL!!!! but before I talk about every single thing in that book I should really end this comment. BYE!!!! ;)

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  42. okay, so a couple of years ago -when I was recruting some book readers for book club in HS- I was confronted by two girls, giggling and holding 50 Shades of Gray, they asked me if I ever read the book before and I simply said no, they giggled and walked away. a friend of mine told me about the book sometime later when I mentioned the whole scene; she had told me that the sex excerpts were /horrible/. I didn't believe her until I looked it up, and holy cow there are better sex scenes writen by 10 year olds on fanfiction.net. that's sad! and I heard that this is going to be a /movie/?! what the hell?! what is this world coming to?! honestly!

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  43. Thank you! Best laugh I've had in a long time!

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  44. WHAT IS GOING ON !?!?!?!?!?!?!
    THIS IS JUST PORN (REALLY GROSS PORN!!!)

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  45. I was siting laughing at the way you explained this oh my god

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  46. Merely the sexual fantasy written by a mid-ager who so obviously feels the boat has left without her. Could surely only be enjoyed by those who share a similar state of mind and would have most likely been satisfied fifty years ago with a wee bit of a descriptive Mills & Boon romance. Yawn.

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  47. I found this site when I got curious about the uproar in casting. I have had no interest in this book other than to wonder why everyone is thinking this is the next great novel.

    Your comments crack me up.

    I've seen better coherent sex scenes in fan fiction written by alleged teenagers than this ridiculous mess of argh's and baby's written here.

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  48. As I was reading this all I could hear was Roseanne Barr narrating it. Lol

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  49. My mom read the whole series... my. life. is. over. AWKWARD--let's be real, this is straight up porn. This is worse than I imagined... who reads this trash (other than my mom, apparently)???

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  50. All i can say is that you are DEAD on in your keen observations of this chapter and I realize right now im 3 Jameson Whiskeys in as i read this but it was F#@!*ing hilarious your comments and i laughed reading the whole way.... Good stuff good stuff........ I needed the laughs so thanks for rocking it out on your observations and editing on the side!!!! Peace out sister

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  51. oh my god, this is hilarious! thank you, you've just made my day. :)

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  52. Your commentary for this was hilarious, it's so fun reading someone realistically pick apart this dross. Haha, thank you!

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  53. Omigod your comments are hilarious! This is totally a pathetic book, just porn for a horny 5th grader. Thank you for commenting and pointing out all the things wrong with this chapter!! Loved every second of reading, lmao. And to whoever wrote "Unicorn Boner" you are fantastically creative, my friend.

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  54. The "suck me, baby" makes me think of Oz in American pie saying "suck me beautiful".

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  55. this is written more poorly than some fanfics

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  56. So THIS is the infamous 50 Shades of Grey I keep hearing about? I have to say, I'm not impressed.. I've read better smut written by a fanfiction author! This book is obviously some kind of joke!

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  57. I. Fucking. Love. You.

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  58. I reccommend the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy as far as erotic fiction goes.
    None of this talk for 10 chapters before the good stuff shit. Every page is a "hot part".

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  59. He must not own any sheets

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  60. This book is a piece of crap

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  61. This shit was fucking holarious

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  62. wtf seriously??? seriously??? the writting is so poor! I came here in curiosity because everyone is talking about this and I had better expectations. This seems to be written by a high school girl. I can't believe the low quality of the writting. I gues that's the reason why is so popular.... people nowadays have a very low reading eficiency.

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  63. nisaaaaannnnnnnnnnnOctober 14, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    hehe looool made me laugh u drunk guy

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  64. Never read this book, and I am so happy I didn't. This was hilarious, you had me cracking up!

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  65. I am not one to swear much. But this is the only way I can get my point across. I FUCKING love your FUCKING commentary. Like, I would literally love to see you do this with the other chapters so I can die from laughter. You're incredibly witty!!

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  66. I like how he orders her around like a dog and she just takes it. Like try talking to me like that and I'll be like, "Hahahaha no, you get in the bed full of blood."

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  67. Wow...for real??? For REAL??? This is coming to the big screen? What, as a tragi-comedy? This is typical low to medium-grade erotica at best. Kinda reads like an explicit version of 'Pride and Prejudice' coupled with a dash of 'Twilight' and some lightweight S&M thrown in for titillation. Christian IMHO appears to be a mix of Mr. Darcy (unable to clearly relate to the woman he is attracted to) and the self-loathing/brooding mood swings of Edward Cullen. As for the kink if you want well-written sex look no further than Nancy A. Collins 'Sonja Blue' series for starters.

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  68. Miss Adler.....you are sooo right comparing this with Twilight.....it's like Edward, all grown up and into kinky stuff.....lol.....and I have not read these books but this excerpt and commentary was hysterical!!! Whoever wrote this should write their own parodies of the Grey series! :)

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  69. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This, my friends, is what you use to torture annoying friends through the phone XD. This book is stupid af. I can't believe it XD.

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  70. You are just awesome. The way that you commented on each part of this ridiculous "erotic" story just made me burst into laughter because I thought of the same exact things before I read what u would say. I ended up reading your comments out loud haha

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  71. Wow lol this book reads like shit. This is really the same novel women are going crazy about? Kind of sad.

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  72. I'm still laughing at the part where his erection takes off his boxer briefs. If his penis is that flexible then the three orgasms aren't as unlikely as I thought.

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  73. I could tell you but that would ruin it ;)...........

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  74. This is the funniest blog I've read. I forwarded it to writer friends and bookstore owners. You are genius.

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  75. I was falling asleep reading this. Maybe my sex life is crazier.. Who knows ;) Reading this did kill some time I guess. :/

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  76. Hehehe I love your notations. It's very thought out, yet amusing. Thanks.

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  77. And people thought the Bush era sucked................the Obama administration is taking the cake by a mud slide pie on that one. I think everything sucks so bad, it's like you can't take it seriously. Miley Cyrus, Fifty Shades, economy, just everything is a joke now. Not even figuratively anymore it's gotten that bad. You just have to laugh at it all. Laugh at everything.

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  78. It's confusing.They put up such drama for the entire time,she's into him being sadistic,he wants to make her his pet,then the bitch asks him to punish her,he does so with a belt,and agter all the crap she runns away thinking they're incompatible.I like the BDB be'er.Hard-core erotica,romance,guns,cars and vampires.Waaaaay be'er than this human drama.

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  79. 50 Shades Movie

    Thanks for sharing...

    After seeing the trailers waiting for movie to be on screen in 2015......

    Theaters will be full with crowd....

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  80. great review! :D

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  81. Laughing So hard.! *Tears *

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  82. This is sooooo much better than the book, cried laughing at some bits! :')

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  83. Your comments are SO FUNNY! I am literally still laughing. Thanks :)

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  84. online link to this book http://kudabox.com/fifty-shades-of-grey-trilogy-pdf/

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  85. I was interested in reading this book, with all the hype and the amount of friends I have telling me how great it is. So here I am doing a little research and this just sealed the deal on my initial thought that it would be a total waste of time! I am someone you enjoys books and read all the time, read just these short sentences I cant see why people could read it? It doesn't sound like she has any self respect and he sounds like a total tool, but everyone has there options and taste I suppose. Anyways, thanks for this! I enjoyed reading your little snappy quips!

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  86. That was freakin hot!

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  87. Thank you Dr.Paul for helping me to reunite my relationship just within the period of 48 hours. I can still remember those period when i was having problems with my lover but today through the help of your great powers i am having joy in my relationship.thank you very much Dr Paul you can contact him for help through his email heritagespelltemple@gmail.com

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  88. Holy Cow!!! never read the book but the women at work r propa buzzn about it ....an erotic novel?? It seems hilarious to me ive had a good laugh after reading this the thumb suckn part being one of my favourites ha the book itself seems a joke but with your commentary aswell literally been laughn out loud ...can I mention how repetitive it is the same quotes over and over yawny yawn.

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  89. This made me laugh a little TOO much...Are there more of these? If NOT make some!

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  90. dr. marnish solved my relationship problem 3 days ago , i sent him some gift of appreciation for the Commitment love Spell he did for me, he made my lover to love me again. and to be committed to me again, i am very very much happy. dr.marnish brought me happiness, email dr.marnish@yahoo.com or call him +15036626930 he will turn your broken relationship around
    Rebecca Kemaya ,,../

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  91. Oh my God, I'm so glad to tell everyone the real thing that happen to me...My name is EMILIANO BABARAH. If i refuse to share this testimony it means i am selfish to my self and to people i love so much whom might have similar problems, March 16th about something 7:23pm after taken our dinner my husband got crazy started calling a lady name Melisa I love you, i was so mad and started crying like a baby...then my husband left home for the idiot called Melisa, and never return back home then i believed when he uthen nderstand his self he will surly come back to apology, but instead he left me So i complained to my friend she told me she was having such problems in her marriage until she was introduce to DR ORIOMON who specializes in bringing back broken homes and broken marriages DR ORIOMON cast a spell for me in May 4th surprisingly my husband came home May 6th apologizing that i should forgive him that it will never happen again, i was so glad and gave the thanks to DR ORIOMON who save my marriage, if you are having similar problem you can contact him and His email address is (oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) you can still save your marriage if u really love your husband.


    Thanks EMILIANO BABARAH_USA

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  92. Most idiotic book one earth, like instead of reothis, go on YouPorn!

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  93. Just curious. Why is it a no-no to leave the bed, leaving her untouched.
    -concerned male

    Please respond

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  94. I really want to thank Dr Ero for saving my marriage. My husband really treat me bad and left the home for almost 1 month i was sick because of this, then i contacted eromosalelovespell@outlook.com for help, they told me that my husband is under a great spell of another woman. They cast a spell of return back of love on him. And he came back home for forgiveness and today we are happy again, i want you all who are having relationship, ex and even husband problem to contact eromosalelovespell@outlook.com

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  95. I kept reading the Sleepy Beauty book thinking it was gonna get better but it didn't. WILL NOT read the other two, I don't understand how people actually enjoy those books.

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  96. U guys are just mad u cant get any from grey u lonley women haters at that I think it is romantic and you guys are just lookin for a quick turn on and u didnt find it so you are mad fuck off this is my fav book u nasty bitches

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  97. You may well poo poo this woman for writing such drivel, but this drivel has appealed to a HUGE number of women! Why is that? Why are you not writing the better stuff? She has made millions! Isn't that an achievement? How would you describe a penis entering a vagina without sounding ridiculous? Go do it!

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  98. If this book is a movie itll be advertised on porn websites.

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  99. this blog is fucking amzing. the tard that wrote the original book could take a leaf outta yore blog. i've read more porn in my christian grandfathers newspapers than in 50 shades of grey.
    whoever wrote this, i love you

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  100. I flove this! Finally, some people who actually agree with me. I laughed a lot while reading this book. Ana drove me insane! Waste of time.

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  101. Damn...I'm 14, and "mature" as people call it. I was curious as to what the hell the big deal about this book is and WOAH o_O that was crap...I get that she was a virgin, but Jesus! (Sorry no offence) He could've been waaaaaaay kinkier, and maybe called her something other than "baby". I get that this isn't the entire book, but I've read way worse.

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  102. LMFAO thats hilarious!!!

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    ReplyDelete