50 Shades of Grey Chapter 8, in which they finally start banging.

Alright, so, warning, this is the chapter that they get to the boning, and while I'm not posting anything TOO explicit, I'm putting a NSFW warning here. I mean, I talk about blow jobs and fisting and tickling prostates with egg beaters, so I imagine this blog isn't very SFW to start with, but this chapter has the actual fucking, so, yeah. NSFW. Plus, when you're laughing as hard as I am as I wrote this (or I hope you are. I'm a little drunk, so that could be making me think I'm extra hilarious.) and someone asks you what on EARTH you keep giggling at, you might not want to explain to your cubicle mate that you're reading something making fun of porn. It'll be awkward, so, you've been warned. Continue at your own risk, and delight. Grab a drink kids, this one's going to be fun!

So Grey is freaking out that Ana is a virgin and he didn't know, because he now must sacrifice her to his Dark Lord Satan. Or the in text reason is because “Oh fuck I just showed a virgin my freaky sex room” which was notably missing a sex swing. If you're going to have a kinky sex room wouldn't you have a swing? And maybe a stripper pole? Come on now. So Grey calms down and once again offers Ana an out and she's all “Nah I'm good”. Grey asks some normal questions “Is there any special reason you've never been boned?” We get a confirmation that he actually wasn't her first kiss. She was kissed twice before, though I'm not sure by who. Is she counting Jose?

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”

“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.

“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”

“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.

“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you re­ally need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense.

That's right, being a virgin is a situation. Still, Grey's not being a total dick hole here. He says he'll hold off on all the rigid rules and craziness and ease her into it so she can decide what she's going into because hot DAMN does he want a piece of her pasty mousy ass (hey, she calls herself mousy first!). He also keeps reiterating “I'm not going to push it do what you feel comfortable with.” which I'm going to assume is part of his black magic powers. The real reason he wants to bang her – NOW – is so he doesn't have to tie her to the cross in her dungeon to sacrifice her to his Dark Lord. So she consents after some lip nibbling to go to bed with him and they wander across the giant apartment to his bedroom. And then we get into the sex scene. I'm torn on how to handle this, do I put up the whole kit-and-caboodle and make this post totally NSFW? Do I just put excerpts to give you guys a feeling for it? No, I'm going to post single out of context lines. Why? Because it's funnier this way, and I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy this time around.

“Ah,” I groan.

Because you need to verify that “ah” is what you're groaning.

He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.

Because James' editors refused to let her use the word “peepee”.

“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress.

His room IS decorated with aquatic themes, so maybe he just really enjoys him some fish? Also, I dunno about you, but I don't usually have the presence of mind to be all “Okay, blanket, floor” unless I'm tripping over it.

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.

I get that this is the tender love making scene, but “can't wait to be inside you”? Couldn't go for “I can't wait to fuck you so hard you won't be able to form a full sentence for a week”?

“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”

I shake my head.

“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

Are you ready for Ana's first orgasm?! Because I sure am! BRING ON THE ORAL SEX!

Oh… I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him.

“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”

IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR TRAINING! Hey, he did say he'd “train” her earlier. Also, again with the baby. It seems... Wrong, from him. That said, I've always found “baby” or “babe” a weird and creepy term of endearment, as there is something totally unsexy about being a baby to me. It does play into him not wanting a woman but a girl he can control and play dress up with. Also, dude, don't you... You know, WANT her to move? No one wants to bang a dead fish unless- Oh God.

...and my nipples harden under his steady gaze....

... “Very nice,” he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more....

...and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.

This is all within a paragraph and a half. Nipples really can only get so hard. I'm sorry, James, but nipples can't cut glass. Do we need to sit down and have the talk many fan fiction writers need about how sex and anatomy actually work?

Wait, wait, time for Ana's first orgasm! Are you guys excited? I'm excited.

“Oh… please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me?

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces. He kisses me, deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries.

Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and awe on mine.

High-five Ana! Now you're a woman! Although she just had her first orgasm just from him playing with her nipples. I know that's actually a thing that can happen. There ARE women out there, but they are far and few between. So, bets on how many times Ana is going to orgasm this sack session? I'm going to guess three.

“You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that, and it’s going to be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again.

Wait, isn't being super responsive a GOOD thing? Or is he afraid that she'll be raw and sore too quickly? :/

His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez.

Jeez?! That is your response to pending finger banging when you're still positively dripping? When you were begging for it moments ago?

“You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more.

Vagina is there but clitoris, that's fine.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.”

And you wanted to give Kate the safe sex talk? I don't think you're qualified for that, Ana.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

No, Grey, you're supposed to be gentle with the first thrust, and THEN you build up to the rough thrusting. This? This would just hurt like a bitch, even with some rough finger blasting first.

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

I just want to take a moment to revel in this for a moment. “Rips through my virginity”. I'm not the only one who burst out laughing at this, right? Please tell me I'm not alone on this one. Again, sounds less sexy, more hilariously uncomfortable. She totally just yelled “argh” during, too. Awesome.

I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me.

Want to know what would have let you acclimatize better Ana? Had he gone in slowly to start with and built up speed, rather then BAM and NOW we go sloooowly in and out, him double checking between each thrust. Don't get me wrong, no issue with a quick entrance here, but she IS a virgin, and, ow. I remember my first time. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is about as much as I was able to handle at that point because while it wasn't a ZOMG OW (because he was, you know, gentle because HEY I WAS A VIRGIN! Funny that.) and then about twenty minutes after that we went again to much better results. Go team? Anyways, I always see “feeling full” being used to describe a good dicking, but, I'm not the only one who's never ever wanted to use that phrase to describe their sexual encounters, right? "Full" sounds uncomfortable.I think of being bloated from eating too much.

He moves slowly at first, easing himself in and out of me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his.

WHY DID YOU NOT START WITH THAT?!?! You want to “train” her then this is the way to start, not “okay, on three...” So we get some more generic they fucking and then time for Ana's second orgasm!

I start to stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my… I didn’t know it would feel like this… didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only sensation... only him... only me… oh please… I stiffen.

“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me.

BUT YOU ALREADY SHATTERED WHICH MEANS HE'S JUST EJACULATING ONTO A PILE OF BITS! Man, I feel so sorry for his cleaning lady. Then again, he DOES have a dungeon, so... I guess this isn't much new for her. Okay, so, two orgasms. I was off.

“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.

“You are asking me if you hurt me?”

“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically. “Seriously, are you okay?” His eyes are intense, probing, demanding even.

...

Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. I had no idea what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable.

I take back everything mean I've said about this book so far. This shit is HILARIOUS. I will never be able to look at laundry the same again. I don't think you guys even need me here this chapter. Okay, they're at it again, this time from behind!

I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.

Pinioned. Hee.

“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, his words heady, seductive.

Otherwise you're going on the cross in the dungeon and I'm sacrificing you to Satan after all! Doesn't matter that she hasn't checked the "I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions" box yet, she's his! His you hear me?!

“You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear.

You said that already.

The effect is mind-blowing – all my energy concentrating on this one small space inside my body. I moan.

“You like this?”

“No, I'm just over here a dripping writhing mass because it's only alright.”

“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers.

Weren't you just saying you were going to break her of being so responsive earlier? I mean, this makes way more sense to me, but, huh?

“Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly.

“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.”

Okay, I'm not the only one who thinks the phrase “Suck me, baby” belongs on a t-shit, am I? Also I'm not the only one who thinks that calling someone baby while asking them to suck a thumb adds an extra layer of creepy to the pet-name “Baby”, right?

His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly.

She's giving him the crazy eye as she sucks his thumb.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.

She has learned what she tastes like before he has. Bad Grey. Also, remember what I said about Kate was being established by things Ana said, but it didn't match with what she did? Because telling me something is erotic does not make it so.

Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair tighter, painfully, so I release him.

“Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. “Stay still, don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair.

Hooray mouth fucking! She's also biting his thumb, not his dick, though it does have some concerning parallels for Grey at the moment. I'm also a little confused by the “Naughty, sweet girl,” line. It may be the vodka, but again, nothing Ana has done reads as “sweet” to me. She hasn't even giving him a super enthusiastic beej yet! Also I get bondage is immobilizing, but that's usually less about “I don't want you to move” and “I want you to be frustrated with your inability to move” which are kinda different, because you're still going to move. It has also occurred to me that Ana has done a lot of laying there and taking it.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Dude, her hymen was somehow magically still intact (I'm assuming it's fairly common knowledge that most girls pop theirs doing sports (or gym class) or using tampons before they actually have sex. Though he would have popped it when he finger blasted her during foreplay...) she's going to be sore. You also just took her virginity. Even if it was awesome, she's gonna be sore. Trust.

“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.”

I moan.

“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls.

HOW? IS? SHE? SWEET?! This. Is. Really. Starting. To. Bug. Me. Readers, help me out here. Alright, time for orgasm number 3! CALLED THE NUMBER!

His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair.

Because everyone always achieves simultaneous orgasm, amIrite? Ana then just passes right the fuck out, exhausted from her big day of boneing. I'm sad now, because now the banging is over which means that they'll be talking again. Booo.

Ana wakes up, in Grey's bed (I think? I don't think he moves her...) which is a No-No but it's not the first time. He's not there, though. He's playing the piano. And, oh, this is almost as good as the fucking.

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the en­trance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest of the large room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouch­able… lonely, in a bubble.

He has just boned the object of his obsession for... However long this book has been, (there was a time jump with exams) few weeks (?) and now he is sitting, sadly playing the piano. Naked. Naked. If he's someone who just prefers to me naked, hey, good on him, I also have a strong aversion to pants, but I don't think Grey IS a nudist. So Ana pads over, wrapped in nothing but the blanket,

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants.

Boooo.

“I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the dark­ness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing.

He walks her back to bed, but his bed, not the special bedroom that she gets to decorate however she wants later.

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evi­dence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.

“Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as he stands in front of me.

Do you clean your own dungeon, then? Also gross. Do you not own another set of sheets?

I realize that I’ve not seen his naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of dark hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach.

... I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on.

He also left his shirt on until he was fucking her from behind during, so he's got some hang up about being shirtless, despite the fact that we've seen him wandering around shirtless on several occasions. I think this is a carry over from when it was still fan fiction and he was still a vampire, but it's a bit strange. I get that we're supposed to notice it though, so, yeah. There's no mention of scars so I'm going to rule out surgery he's had in the past (though being scarred from that sort of thing would make him way more interesting to me personally.).

“Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood.

DO YOU NOT OWN OTHER SHEETS GREY?!

“Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a re­sidual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side.

Really?! I didn't get that from your narrative bashing me over the head with him playing sad music and being in his sad naked bubble (that was not naked at all you tease). Or the fact that the book is titled "50 Shades of Grey" to imply that he's SO DEEP!

And that brings us to the end of chapter eight. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did! Please, share your thoughts in the comments, they give me a happy.