Thursday, July 5, 2012

50 Shades of Grey chapter 6, which was written with the help of my good friend Jolly Rancher vodka!

**A note: Some of you saw this post last week before it got edited when I went to cue it up but set it for June instead of July. Sorry about that.

People in the comments have been speculating about the author being British. I did a quick check when someone said it first and found something that mentioned her in the US. I'm assuming that I was seeing mention of a tour and didn't read very closely, but when someone else came forward with it I double checked. So, you guys were right, I was wrong. She's English. I have also discovered that the E in EL James is Erika, which is my name, and to this day I have yet to meet another Erika who spells it with a K. I find this distressing. Also, confession. The first 5 chapter posts were written back to back in about two weeks. I haven't touched the book since then as I have been frantically writing all of the words in existence while I NaNo'd. Which means I had a month break from Christain Grey and his dark powers that allow him to glamor some poor innocent lesbian and her apparently over-protective best friend to his wishes. I'm diving back in drink in hand. Wish me luck.

He hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn’t happen? It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman.

Wait, your lip is swollen from a single kiss? You're doing it wrong. Also, changed woman, from a kiss? I can't wait to see how you react when he pulls out the egg beater with intense dark stares and a waggle of his rather lovely eyebrows. This whole paragraph is just so, so silly. I'm having to forcefully insert myself not back into the start of my relationship when ZOMG HE KISSED ME was an issue, but back into my FIRST “relationship”. You know, the one where I was in the 9th grade and 14 years old. Where we held hands and went to the movies and he freaked me right the fuck out the first time he slipped me the tongue.

I should cut Ana some slack. She IS entirely inexperienced with boys, and while I definitely know people who have gotten well into their twenties without any romantic interaction, and it can make them a bit weird when they DO get into it, Ana is still just reading like a 14 year old to me. Inexperience or not, she just reads like a silly, immature, love struck girl, not a woman in the slightest. I get that she's supposed to be innocent, but if any of my friends told me this sort of stuff, at any age, I would smack them with a rolled up news paper shouting "NO! BAD!".

Anyways, as Ana is writing fanfiction of herself as some mystical princess and Grey her dark Knight in her head, Grey is being quiet and polite and distant. They get into the car and again, rather then the car having a sound system, it's an mp3 player. Again.

He switches on the MP3 player. The car interior is filled with the sweetest, most magical music of two women singing. Oh wow… all my senses are in disarray, so this is doubly affecting. It sends deli­cious shivers up my spine. Christian pulls out on to SW Park Avenue, and he drives with easy, lazy confidence.

They're listening to Flower Duet by Delibes, from the opera Lakmé and Ana has, I want to note, switched to calling him Christain despite having made a big deal about NOT calling him that before because he never asked, which he still hasn't, but he doesn't mind. She keeps getting ear boners, which seems to make Mr. Grey seem like a real boy.

Christian, it’s wonderful.”
It is, isn’t it?” he grins, glancing at me. And for a fleeting moment, he seems his age; young, carefree, and heart-stoppingly beautiful. Is this the key to him? Music? I sit and listen to the angelic voices, teasing and seducing me.

Yeah, yeah you like that, don't you? Mmm, yeah, you get all hot and bothered by that classy music. They then talk about music and Grey goes on to be all “NO MY TASTES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE!” and Ana is all “ZOMG LIKE, ME TOO!” and then the author has them listening to Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon. No, really. That happens.

Then the phone starts ringing, but it's hooked up through his speaker system so it keeps cutting off the music and we get a few calls of “I got the information you wanted” “Good, e-mail it to me” and then hangs up. The type of stuff that in real world you don't call about, you e-mail about unless it's super urgent. Then we get this.

Grey,” he snaps.
Hi, Christian, d’you get laid?”
Hello, Elliot – I’m on speaker phone, and I’m not alone in the car,” Christian sighs.
Who’s with you?”
Christian rolls his eyes.
Anastasia Steele.”
Hi, Ana!”
Hello, Elliot.”
Heard a lot about you,” Elliot murmurs huskily. Christian frowns.
Don’t believe a word Kate says.”Elliot laughs.

So, not going to lie, I kind of like Elliot right now. Even though he just busted out the husky murmur on the chick his brother is into when he's banging her best friend. He's bawdy, mischievous, has a streak of bro-dude-guy in him, and friendly. He has spoken like four lines and I have a more cohesive picture of him in my head then almost any other character. I also like that he isn't the least bit embarrassed about having just asked if Grey got laid in front of Ana. Elliot is all “What evs, we're all adults, right? Wait, you're 14? Bro, that is FUCKED.” I'm sure in another three pages his characterization will be thrown right out the window again though, so I will enjoy it while I can.

I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.

WHY DOES THIS NOT BOTHER YOU ANA?! You continually call him a stalker. That is Not a Good Thing! You should be all “So, boundaries. We need them if you're going to be tying me up and spanking me with a spatula.” but instead she's all “WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO KISS ME AGAIN I LIKED IT!” but there is no conversation had and they go inside where Kate and Elliot are all grins and sexy mussed upness. Despite clearly just having had an awesome night, Kate is glaring at Grey. REALLY?! If you trust him THIS LITTLE then you should have left, grabbed a cab, and brought Ana home yourself, you shallow, self important, hypocritical, self-involved piece of-

Ahem. Kate and Grey are all stiff and cold at each other, and Elliot is all “NO I'M AWESOME AND FRIENDLY AND EVERYONE SHOULD LIKE ME! HI ANA!” and gives her a hug and Ana notes just how very different Elliot and Grey are. Then again they are ADOPTED brothers. Nature 1, nurture 0. We then get a weird mix of judgmental jealousy from Ana as Elliot bids Kate farewell.

Jeez… get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Christian, and he’s watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Elliot continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard.

Okay, let me add totally over the top of Elliot's previous list of characterization. I'm just happy enough to have someone be consistent for more then a page that I actually don't even care how over the top this is.

Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must be good.

This bugs me. Why is it a woman is expected to become compliant in the face of a good dicking? Or, hell, compliant when she likes a dude? Again, I KNOW this is becoming a BDSM porn, but it really bothers me that Kate, aggressive go-getting balls-to-the-walls Kate, becomes compliant over a guy after one nigh. So Kate and Elliot say good bye and then it's Grey and Ana's turn, because they had to stop and watch before they could themselves say good bye.

Laters, baby,” he murmurs, and I have to laugh because it’s so unlike him. But even though I know he’s being irreverent, the endearment tugs at something deep inside me.

EVEN THE HERO OF THE STORY IS INCONSISTENT ARGKSFHAOEWRHI!!! I know this is supposed to be a “Look at him being playful and snarking on his brother! See there is an actual person under all that brooding mystery!” but it's just coming out of left field. Also, really, calling her baby? And did Christian Grey just say “laters”? Really? Arg.

So the men folk leave, and Kate turns on Ana and is all “SO DID YOU BANG?!”. REALLY KATE?! Ana was UNCONSCIOUS and INCREDIBLY DRUNK. Drunk to the point that she couldn't legally consent. If she HAD gotten bang, it would have been rape, not getting laid. Hatehatehatehatehatehate. Moving on before I stab something.

Kate always manages to ensnare men. She is irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward… all the things that I’m not. But her answering grin is infectious.
And I’m seeing him again this evening.” She claps her hands and jumps up and down like a small child. She cannot contain her excitement and happiness, and I can’t help but feel happy for her. A happy Kate… this is going to be interesting.

As annoyed as I am about Ana acting like she's 14, I can sort of wrap my head around it. I want to know why Kate is ALSO 14 when she's all sexy and straight forward and awesome independent woman! I'm also getting more confused by Ana constantly thinking (adjective) Kate. Like they're not the same person, or that her being happy or flustered or what ever else is... Strange. Kate get's one emotion, and I'm not sure what that is supposed to be. Ana then confesses that Grey is taking her to Seattle this evening, and Kate is all “So THEN you'll bang?” and Ana's like “Dear God I hope so. This is supposed to be porn, I would like to get on with the fucking already because my author thinks I'm a moron, and while I'm being fucked I'll probably be treated with more dignity.”

Speaking of dignity! Ana confesses that they've only kissed once and recaps the nights events and confesses that Grey is reserved.

We need to make sure you’re simply irresistible for this evening,” she says with de­termination.
Oh no… this sounds like it will be time consuming, humiliating, and painful.
I have to be at work in an hour.”
I can work with that timeframe. Come on.” Kate grabs my hand and takes me into her bedroom.

Because your BFFF helping you get laid is humiliating and painful. Though since Ana is going to work I don't imagine that Kate is throwing her in the slinkiest dress, highest heels and crazy hair/make up as she IS still going into work, but I'm enjoying that mental image anyways, and you can't stop me!

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What else will he expect? I have to convince Kate that this is what I want to do. For some strange reason, she doesn’t trust him, maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. She says she can’t put her finger on it, but I have promised to text her when I arrive in Seattle.

So Ana doesn't shave normally? Nothing wrong with that, but didn't expect that. What, you think the reason Grey didn't bang you when you were unconscious last night was because of fuzzy legs, not because you were, you know, not coherent? Also, I want to point out that Kate is all “I WILL HELP YOU SEDUCE HIM!” and “I DON'T LIKE HIM!” in the same paragraph. Make up your freaking mind. Ana also spares some time as she's restocking shelves after work to think about Mr. Shoulders!

I also have the José issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell. He’s also called home twice. Kate has been very vague as to where I am. He’ll know she’s covering for me. Kate doesn’t do vague. But I have decided to let him stew. I’m still too angry with him.

When did Kate find out that Ana was peeved at Jose? I mean, I guess Ana could have told her while Kate was taking the floor buffer to her ass (leave me with my ridiculous fantasies they're the only thing getting me through this chapter!) but again, Kate should have been ripping him a new ass hole and then raping him with a dildo in it if Ana DID tell her. I suppose Ana could have been vague, or we are getting Kate actually RESPECTING Ana's choice of “Don't do anything until I decide how to handle him”. It doesn't fit with Kate, but whatever, we'll run with that. What pisses me off is Ana is being really immature about this. Jose molested you, and she SHOULD be angry. However Ana should also be telling him “Fuck off and don't talk to me ever again” not “letting him stew”.

Anyways, Grey turns up to pick up Ana and he's holding her hand and she's got the most massive lady-boner she has yet in this book. Like, I'm surprised the girl isn't toppling over and passing out from blood loss from it. No really

How was work?” he asks.
Very long,” I reply, and my voice is husky, too low, and full of need.

Like your penis.

His thumb strokes my knuckles, back and forth, and my heart skips a beat as my breathing accelerates. How does he do this to me? He’s only touching a very small area of my body, and the hormones are flying.

How does he do it? We've been over this. With the black magic he obtained in exchange for selling his soul. Also because you are just in dire need of a thorough dicking. “Listen, Christian, you have genitals, I have genitals, I really don't see why we shouldn't introduce them and let them make friends! I think they'd really get along!”

So they go to the helicopter pad so they may take said helicopter. Before heading up to the pad it's self...

Ready?” he asks. I nod and want to say for anything, but I can’t articulate the words as I’m too nervous, too excited.

Anything. So they get into the elevator and Ana is positively dripping at the thought of getting into an elevator with him again because elevators mean sexy tiemz. They don't bone in the elevator, but don't worry. We've got three books for them to bone in the elevator. We all know they will.

Here’s your flight plan, Mr. Grey. All external checks are done. It’s ready and waiting sir. You’re free to go.”
Thank you, Joe.” Christian smiles warmly at him.
Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian, perhaps he’s not an employee. I stare at the old guy in awe.

You know that saying that someone who is nice to you but mean to the waiter is not a nice person? Just saying. This part struck me, though. It is noted in great detail that Grey being nice or warm at all. This isn't a case of Ana saying “Wow he's being nice to someone other then me” this is her saying “Wow he's being nice at ALL” WHY ARE YOU INTO HIM?!?!?! Right, black magic. Siiigh.

So they get into the helicopter and Grey goes about strapping Ana into her seat and she's all “want to smell him but can't move!” and again, her lady-boner is positively throbbing. And yes, she goes on about wanting to SMELL him. Oh, Ana, you well adjusted, boundary respecting thing you! So, Grey finished strapping her in.

You’re secure, no escaping,” he whispers, his eyes are scorching. “Breathe, Anasta­sia,” he adds softly. Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, running his long fingers down to my chin which he grasps between his thumb and forefinger. He leans forward and plants a brief, chaste kiss on my lips, leaving me reeling, my insides clenching at the thrilling, unexpected touch of his lips.
I like this harness,” he whispers.

HE BOUGHT ROPE AND ZIP TIES AND DUCT TAPE FROM YOU HOW HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT YET?! When he locks you in his basement (wait, he's bound to have a penthouse condo, so I guess when he locks her in his murder shack in the woods) don't say I didn't warn you.

I’ve been a fully qualified pilot for four years, Anastasia, you’re safe with me.” He gives me a wolfish grin. “Well, while we’re flying,” he adds and winks at me.
Winking… Christian!

She's doing the same thing with Grey that she does with Kate, which is just further evidence that she's in love with Kate. Though why is it winking gets note but him saying “Laters.” doesn't? Also WE GET IT YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO DANGEROUS! Shut up about it already and get to the flipping her upside down and spreading peanut  butter in her ass Grey!

There’s a helipad on top of the building I live in. That’s where we’re heading.”

Of COURSE there's a pad on the roof of your building. I mean come on, what is he, some sort of plebeian who can only take the company helicopter (why would they even NEED a helicopter, anyways?) back to the company? Pfffft! Ana is watching him through her lashes (I have spent more time trying to do this and enlisted other people to try. We have yet to manage a way that doesn't look absolutely ridiculous, so enjoy that knowledge.) and thinking about just rubbing her hands all over his face in a sexy way. No really.

He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed – I’d like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm… I’d like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face.
When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation,” he inter­rupts my erotic reverie.
How long will the flight be?” I manage breathlessly. I wasn’t thinking about sex at all, no, no way.

Dude, your balls are so blue they require medical attention. It's okay, we're all here to see you get strapped to the wall and fisted. Ana then goes into the typical “I bet you bring all the girls up in your super duper awesome helicopter to impress them” and Grey is all “NO ONLY YOU!” and I just want them to bone already! Stop talking and touch him where he pees!

I nod enthusiastically. It looks otherworldly – unreal – and I feel like I’m on a giant film set, José’s favorite film maybe, ‘Bladerunner.’ The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back. He can wait until tomor­row… surely.

Remember when I was all annoyed because I knew the text would down-play and clear Jose for being a scum-bucket? Yeah. Not going to feel sorry for when Ana cock-blocks herself with Grey by worrying about Jose and stopping to call him and Grey is all “WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK? I save you from that douche bag and fly you out here and buy you sexy lingerie and then you're calling him when I'm trying to seduce you?!” and then kicks her out and she has to walk home and Kate has a justified reason for disliking Grey and it serves as a reason to keep the two apart that much longer.Wait, no, that would involve the characters to be consistent. She'll do it once she and Grey are in loooove so that way it will be DRAMA when she starts talking to him again. I'm just going to go gag on a spoon for a while. 

Oh my… I think I’m going to faint. My fate is in his hands.

NO IT ISN'T! It is still in your hands you immature useless sack of skin!! Also seriously? Faint? YOU'RE SOBER THIS TIME YOU- YOU EXPLETIVE! Ana is now getting all anxious because ZOMG WHAT IF HE FINDS ME LACKING! I, Anastasia Rose Steele could not possibly be enough for the Adonis that is Christian Grey! Dude, he's gone this far for you and is about to tell you he likes it when his women are helpless. You'll be FINE. Ana goes on about knight metaphors, again, and we get this.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that don’t you?” His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his gray eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.

This is actually really decent of Grey. “I know I've done the extravagant over the top thing but you don't need to feel obligated to sleep with me. I've done those things because I want to, not because I want something from you.” +10 point to Grey. He's actually considering Ana's feelings! I'm actually shocked. Ana is all “Pfft I'd never” but is thinking she'd do what ever he asked even if she didn't want you. Well, Grey, you tried.

So they land and shuffle into the elevator where they shockingly don't make out, but he's likely the top floor so I imagine that it was just one floor anyways. Ana describes the apartment/condo/penthouse which is massive and all monochrome and there's a state-of-the-art stainless steel – or maybe platinum for all I know - modern fireplace. The fire is lit and flaming gently. Grey knows how to set the mood, though no candles, he's too classy to be that obvious.

I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me to the large off-white couch. As I sit, I’m struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile.

Really? You're enjoying the thought of being in the position Tess was when she was with the dude who RAPED her knocked her up, didn't take responsibility, which caused her to be disgraced? Oh, and later bullied her into basically being his personal prostitute. This makes you smile?! Really? Siiiiigh. I think I may need to get another drink here. She then asks Grey why he sent her those books specifically, and he's all “Well, seemed about right.”

It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec D’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his gray eyes flash dark and dangerous.
If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. He gasps.
Anastasia, stop biting your lip, please. It’s very distracting. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
That’s why I’m here.”
He frowns. 


She knows what she's saying dude, she's a grown- wait you might be onto something here :/ Serves you right for trying to bang a 14 year old. Grey then goes off to get the NDA because his lawyer insists upon it. Which makes sense contextually, surprisingly.

If you’re going for option two, debasement, you’ll need to sign this.”
And if I don’t want to sign anything?”
Then it’s Angel Clare high ideals, well, for most of the book anyway.”
What does this agreement mean?”
It means you cannot disclose anything about us. Anything, to anyone.”

YES THAT MEANS KATE TOO! Though he'll tell Elliot who will tell Kate FOR Ana, so it's all fine, you have a loop hole. Ana starts to realize that what ever it is Grey is going to spring on her, it's going to be bad. She then cheerfully agrees to sign the thing without reading it first. ... arg. Grey is all “You really should read this stuff” and Ana is all “NOPE!” and signs and hands it back.

Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.
No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

Play room! Awesome! I hope he has a ball pit! Ana is all “You... Want to play xBox?” and Grey is all “No. Just shut up and come look at my dungeon already. Though seriously, if you want to peace out, that's really totally entirely fine there's like seven ways for you to if that's what you want and-” “Just unlock the dungeon so we can get to the fucking already, will you?” So he does.

And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish In­quisition.
Holy fuck.

And on that note, I'm going to finish my jolly rancher vodka. Next chapter is where Grey shows Ana the alter to his dark Lord Satan! Yaaay!


  1. The current date, in the Eastern zone that you're in and the Pacific zone the comment timestamps run on, is June 30th. So why can I see this post dated July 5th?

    1. :/ because my blog got confused as to what was supposed to happen with this post. It isn't supposed to be up until Thursday, so if it vanishes and comes back, you'll know why. Sorry about that.

  2. The twilight fanfic is really showing in this chapter. Some descriptions of how breathtaking Christian is sound similar to how Edward is described although mercifully, she doesn't seem to mention it 50 times a chapter like in twilight. I think the first or second time Edward kissed Bella she actually swooned or passed out (I am a little fuzzy on the details it's been a while.)

    Christian likes classical music and so did Edward, James is misunderstanding Tess much like Smeyer misunderstood Wuthering Heights. Grey gets half a point for telling her she can back out repeatedly.

    Jolly rancher vodka sounds amazing. I will fetch the comfy chair and wait for the dungeon and the contract which I hope will be in the next chapter.

  3. So many things to say!
    " I get that she's supposed to be innocent, but if any of my friends told me this sort of stuff, at any age, I would smack them with a rolled up news paper shouting "NO! BAD!"." --- Hilarious!! I wish I could actually go up to Ana and Bella and do this.

    And the whole shaving thing - oh I don't even want to go there!
    I am loving your ridiculous fantasies! :) Every time I read 'buffed all over' I imagine someone taking a sandpaper all over their body :)

  4. Salut! Although, for supposedly being an erotic novel, there hasn't been much for erotic content that's not entirely in Ana's head or happening conveniently off-page. Perhaps I've we finally get to the next chapter, we'll see some actual eros. Unfortunately, I think the closest we'll get to that it's a statue of Eros somewhere. Pan or Krsna, if we're lucky.

  5. Just started reading these - great work, and thanks for moving through the chapters at such a speedy pace. I was curious about all the press this was getting, but have no interest in actually reading it - you're far more entertaining than just reading the synopsis on Wikipedia.

    Which sounds like a backhanded compliment, but was not intended as such.

  6. "Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction" This really really angers me. I get that we need to fully understand that poor little Ana has no backbone and is weak and let people control her. But whenever Kate asks a question it's the inquisition, when she expresses interest or enthousiasm it's intrusive. Wth. You're either willing to let her help you get ready, or you're not. Even more, what the hell is with the shaving your legs, armpits and tweezing your eyebrows is unpelasant, but men expect it. 21 and you've never shaved your legs or armpits? And we wonder why she's a virgin?

    Again, thank you so much for showing me how horrible and boring and stupid this book really is. I get confused sometimes, because I enjoy reading your blog so much, but then I remember, YOU are funny and witty and making this an amazing read, not the stupid content that makes no sense of the book. :)

  7. Ok I realize I'm late to the party but this is what I don't get:

    Ana is so drunk (for the first time ever) that she vomits and blacks out. The very next morning, she a ton of food? Homegirl doesn't have a hangover? Riding in an elevator doesn't make her dizzy? I would love it if she took a post-drinking dump that singed the hairs in Christian Grey's perfect eyebrows.

  8. OK, I know this is really, really, old, but I'm an Erika, too! (But not the one who wrote this stuff...I write much better dialogue than this!) I only found a link to your deconstruction this morning, and I'm laughing out loud, alone, and shirking everything on my to-do list for the joy of reading just one more installment in the saga. Thank you for a wonderful morning!!!