50 Shades Chapter 20 in which meh

I talk a lot about the fact that Grey is a fantasy I struggle to get. I struggle to get it because to me, it is so abusive and clingy* that I'm too hung up on those facts to see anything else. Ana Mardoll, who does an awesome (and very, very in depth) analysis of Twilight recently did a great break down on the fantasy of Edward Cullen, and Edward and Grey were initially the same character. What struck me as I nodded along was the point she makes about how "We are never invited to see Edward as real", because glittering vampire. Grey is described in many of the same terms, "perfect Greek god", but Grey is meant to be larger than life, while Edward is... not alive. Grey's actions also tend to go further than Edward's. He doesn't just watch Ana when she sleeps, he actively tracks her. He has people watching her at work. He bought the company she works for and Ana herself finds it all too much often enough. So unlike with Bella and Edward where we aren't invited to think of them as real, and Bella always sees it as sweet, we are invited to see Grey as real, and Ana isn't always comfortable with his actions. That makes it even harder for me to look past the icky parts of what he does.

Edward's bad behavior can be explained away with "He's a hella old vampire"**. The hand wave we're provided with for Grey stalking Ana after she bluntly and repeatedly asks him to stop is... he was traumatized as a child and is affected in very specific and unrealistic ways. You may ask, "Wait, you're okay with vampires, but childhood trauma is unrealistic?" Vampires are supposed to be fantasy, we're presented with Grey's back story as reasonable justification for him being a shithead which is so much bullshit I can't even.

So, with those thoughts that were bouncing around in my head out, let's get going on chapter 20! Chapter 19 ended with Ana agreeing to marry Grey after he failed to call and say "By the way, totes not dead!" after someone sabotaged his helicopter (not that they've told us yet, but come on). Sounds like solid husband material to me***. I mean, who wants their husband to check in when he may be in danger? Next he'll think to do things like let you know he'll be home late from work, or he won't be home for dinner, or is going out for drinks and ask if you want to come out! Who wants to deal with that?

After some spinning and giggling because they're just SO HAPPY YAY Grey realizes that Ana gave him the key chain when he was begging for an answer!

“I can’t believe you left me hanging.” His whisper is laced with disbelief. His expression alters subtly, his eyes gleaming wickedly, his mouth twitching into a carnal smile.
Holy hell. A thrill runs through me. What’s he thinking?
“I believe some retribution is in order, Miss Steele,” he says softly.

Just once I would like Grey's response to Ana exercising agency or free will NOT to be to "punish" her. Just once. He is so threatened by Ana doing anything other than bending to his whims that he must now immediately reassert his dominance by throwing her over his shoulder like a fucking cave man and dragging her to the shower to douse her, clothes and all, in cold water as punishment. No, really.

“Christian!” I scold loudly—his intent is now clear.
He switches the water on at max. Jeez! Arctic water spurts over my backside, and I squeal—then stop, mindful once more that José is above us. It’s cold and I’m fully clothed. The chilling water soaks into my dress, my panties, and my bra. I’m drenched and I cannot stop giggling.

I sometimes wonder how much shit I could make up before people would start questioning me, but then you guys sometimes are all "Y-you made that bit up, right? Right?" for things that actually happen, and realize the answer is "very little". So they start fooling around in the shower because that is what you do after you get engaged and your new fiancee drenches you for the sake of showing you who's boss.


My hands move involuntarily to his shirt as it clings to every line and sinew of his chest, revealing the hair scrunched beneath the white wetness.

I did a double take at "white wetness" thinking he had made a mess of his own shirt. Apparently not. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

His lips become more insistent, more provocative, his tongue invading my mouth—and my body explodes with desire.

He planted a sexy bomb in her mouth with his tongue?

I tug his shirt hard, ripping it open. The buttons fly everywhere, ricocheting off the tiles and disappearing onto the shower floor

I am shocked it has taken this long for buttons to go flying, to be honest. Also, I'm not the only person who pictures someone letting a pair of breasts free in the wild when they read the phrase "freeing my breasts" right? Because that line is all over the damned place.

and push my breasts into his magical hands.

See? Warlock. Also: Seriously sounds like she just popped the suckers off and is all "HERE YA GO HONEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Oh yes! It’s so arousing. My inner goddess has resurfaced after her evening of rocking and weeping in the corner, and she’s wearing harlot-red lipstick.


1) "It's so arousing."? Even you don't sound sold on it Ana.
2) What the fuck is "harlot-red"?

I love him so much, and I’m suddenly overcome by the enormity of my love and the depth of my commitment to him. I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him—a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.

So, "Jesus fuck he nearly died and I love him so much" prompts orgasms and crying. Just:

After they finish boning they talk about how much they love each other and how scared they both were that maybe he would die because he was actually in lots of danger earlier and lied so his parents wouldn't freak out!

They go to bed, and Ana (rightly) tells him off for being a huge wank by NOT calling because he was super eager to get back since Jose was around and apparently he didn't trust Ana to not hop on his meat-pogo? She doesn't comment on the trust issue, though she should. It dissolved into "You asshat you're loved! Stop being a dickhead!" and Grey actually responds well by apologizing and realizing that he honestly panicked people and that is Not Cool even if your girlfriend who has a magical cooter is hanging out with other men and you are afraid that if they touch her cooter the black magic you've been dumping in there will cause a giant explosion.

And on to the next morning!

He looks much younger when he’s asleep, and I grin because today he’s a whole year older.

No, he's a whole day older.


Ana goes off to make Grey breakfast, and remembers Jose is still there when she finds him eating cereal at the breakfast bar. She taunts him by offering a "real" breakfast and Jose asks a bit about their relationship, and cracks a joke that she loves him because of his money. Ana, reasonably, isn't so thrilled by this.

“Hey, Ana, just kidding.”
Hmm . . . will I always have this leveled at me? That I’m marrying Christian for his money?
“Seriously, I’m kidding. You’ve never been that kind of girl.”
“Omelet good for you?” I ask, changing the subject. I don’t want to argue.

HEY LOOK I FOUND ONE OF THE THEMES FOR THE NEXT BOOK! [WW: I hoped it would be omelets but she's probably right that it's marrying Grey for his houses full of money.]Also, I find it very odd that Ana says "I don't want to argue" when he's basically taken back his tactless statement and is putting up no reason FOR them to argue. We haven't seen Ana really interact with anyone besides Grey and Jack in this book, so it's kind of interesting to see the reminder of "Right, she thinks people are constantly attacking/prying into her life". Which makes her responses to Grey all the more bizarre since he actually does do those things. 

So Grey turns up wearing his PJ bottoms that he knows makes Ana all hot and bothered because apparently she has about as much control over herself as a teenage boy (further proof Grey is using black magic) and there is even more bullshit posturing where Grey has to assert his dominance and ownership of Ana. God, when he buys her a ring she won't be able to lift her hand, the diamond will be so big. Not because Grey will want to flaunt his wealth, but because he will want to make it impossible for anyone to miss the thing. It's going to be a goddamned collar. He might as well just pee on her while making steely, unrelenting eye contact with Jose.

In a move of passive aggressiveness through civility, Grey chats Jose up. Jose talks about his and Ana's dads being BFFs and comments that he's going fishing with them. From here the two find something to gush about (fishing) and exclude Ana from the conversation entirely. When he leaves Grey maintains he still wants in Ana's panties (because women love being told that their friends are only their friends because they want to have sex with them) but is less hostile and territorial.

“You didn’t tell him we were getting married.”
“No. I figured I ought to tell Mom and Ray first.” Shit. It’s the first time I’ve thought about this since I said yes. Jeez—what are my parents going to say?
Christian nods. “Yes, you’re right. And I . . . um, I should ask your father.”
I laugh. “Oh, Christian—this isn’t the eighteenth century.”
Holy shit. What will Ray say? The thought of that conversation fills me with horror.
“It’s traditional.” Christian shrugs.

So Grey is the type to do things simply because that's how they're done, but aims to create new, safer, and more green tech constantly? And ignored his fiancee's open horror at the idea of him asking to own her? Siiiigh.

So Ana then gives him his birthday presents. Because apparently ownership of her wasn't even hers to give! One is a solar powered toy helicopter (which is kinda cute) and the other is the equivalent of sex coupons as she asks him to take her to the playroom.

After some hesitation, and pressing that she's okay with it, they head there and that is the end of chapter 20. Soon! SOON THIS BOOK WILL BE OVER!

Come back Sunday for the next Ender's Game post, next Thursday for the next 50 Shades, and as always, share your thoughts on this fluster cuck in the comments!



*I have FEELINGS on independence within relationships. To the point that Will makes fun of me for splitting apart compound words, claiming it is my deep seated desire that everyone needs their own space that causes me to do it. "NO! BE YOUR OWN WORDS!" [WW note: In proofing this very post I had to reunite several forcibly separated compounds.  She's seriously hardline on this.]
**I do not think this is a valid explanation, mind you, but we're talking about fantasies.
*** The Boy has promised to always keep me up to date on the level of exploding his plane experiences when flying.

50 Shades Darker Chapter 16 in which Erika gives up halfway through and tries a new approach.

This chapter picks up where the last left off, with Jack sexually harassing Ana. The scene is entirely over the top to the point where I think Jack might actually be some monster from beyond the veil that Grey summoned and forgot about and is now bent on VENGEANCE! It's the only way to explain why Jack thinks trying to coerce the girlfriend of Christian Grey, CEO and all around big-shot, is a good idea. I mentioned in the comments of last weeks chapter the bit in How To Succeed in Business Without Even Trying, the guidebook says that "the smaller the secretarial skills, the bigger her protector at the company", which comes into play when figuring out who is and is not safe to try and have sex with. Jack knows he has a reputation, and he knows that Ana is dating a man of great power and wealth. Any power he thinks he has over her (she is his underling, after all) should be tempered by the fact that many women would run home and tell their boyfriends about this, and her boyfriend is Grey. A man wealthy and connected enough that Jack should worry, but, he doesn't. So, monster.

He takes a step toward me, glaring at me, his eyes never leaving mine. His pupils are dilating as I watch—the black eclipsing the blue. Oh no. My fear escalates.

See? His eyes are turning black. Classic creepy monster transformation.

So Jack accuses Ana of starting to suck at her job because of her boyfriend "leading her astray" and then says he went through her e-mails and noticed the only personal ones were from her "hot-shot-boyfriend" but there were no responses from him! Why were none of his emails on the database? SHE IS CLEARLY A SPY! Which makes no fucking sense because about a paragraph before he comments that he had to fight to get Ana as opposed to someone more qualified for the job. Although: remember how bitchy Grey was last chapter about Ana not using her blackberry to email him? ZOMG FORESHADOWING! But why is he responding to her emails to her work email rather than her personal one so it only goes to her blackberry if it's that important to him? Hm.

Jack continues, enjoying my discomfort. “And he thinks I’d make a pass at you?” He smirks and his eyes heat. “Well, I want you to think about something while I’m in New York. I gave you this job, and I expect you to show me some gratitude. In fact, I’m entitled to it. I had to fight to get you. Elizabeth wanted someone better qualified, but I—I saw something in you. So, we need to work out a deal. A deal where you keep me happy. D’you understand what I’m saying, Ana?”
Fuck!

Yes, that is what he means, Ana. So, this is the gist of it. Jack is trying to blackmail Ana for sex. BECAUSE THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BACKFIRE AT ALL! According to Jack, Grey is well connected enough to be able to get the New York trip candled. Jack believes this to be true. So, Jack is aware that Grey is so well connected he can influence things within PIP. He can threaten to find out what Grey did all he likes--Grey can act so fast that Jack would be out of a job before he could do anything with that information, assuming he could even dredge it up fast enough. All Ana has to do is say "He touched me" and BAM. Jack is at the bottom of a lake or some shit. I have no idea how Jack thinks this will work out for him.

Jack moves closer until he’s standing right in front of me, staring down into my eyes. His cloying sweet cologne invades my nostrils—it’s nauseating—and if I’m not mistaken, the bitter stench of alcohol is on his breath. Fuck, he’s been drinking . . . when?
“You are such a tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick tease, you know, Ana,” he whispers through clenched teeth.
What? Prick tease . . . Me?

OHMYGOD. Why is she thinking "What, the drunk surly crazy man thinks I'm a prick tease? I am shocked and confounded! My virtue as a virginal vixen is hurt!" as opposed to... anything else? Also Ana's reactions have been spliced with "I think I'm going to faint", "Okay, Ray taught me well, if he lays a finger on me/breathes too close fucker is going down" and "Is security in the building yet?" I can't say that I've been in Ana's situation, my own experiences with sexual harassment left a lot more room for potential gaslighting after the fact, but I do understand that "Oh God I'm going to throw up, kick this dude in the balls and then run away crying and hope someone rushes to my rescue", "maybe if I just remind him his cab should be here and his shit is ready to go he'll leave me alone?" thought when someone is being threatening. The way she goes through these thoughts are weird, unnatural, vain and self-absorbed because Ana is all of those things. That base "I AM FEELING SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE" however... That rings true. On the upside, at least there hasn't been a peep from her inner goddess or subconscious!

So, Jack goes for the creepy face stroke and lingering hand on her collarbone, needling Ana to admit that she "wants him" and Ana... reacts admirably.

I grab his little finger, and twist it back, pulling it sharply down backward to his hip....
I bring my knee, swift and hard, up into his groin, and make perfect contact with my goal. I dodge deftly to my left as his knees buckle, and he collapses with a groan onto the kitchen floor, grasping himself between his legs.
“Don’t you ever touch me again,” I snarl at him. “Your itinerary and the brochures are packaged on my desk. I am going home now. Have a nice trip. And in the future, get your own damn coffee.”

I'd cheer for her more if she actually did her job. My boss would sometimes ask me to grab him coffee, which I didn't think anything of because, well, 9 times out of 10 I was going to grab myself tea anyways. The 10th time? He always asked nicely, so meh. However when HIS boss, who I have absolutely nothing to do with spent a day snarling at me and then sent me to fetch him lunch without so much as a please... that pissed me off. But I couldn't say shit because, well, boss's boss and all that. However, I write this as a cook. Ana is a personal assistant. I would imagine things like "get coffee and lunch" are in her job description. So she bitches about getting him coffee, having to read all those big scary manuscripts, is constantly taking breaks/emailing her boyfriend/texting... Yeah, Ana, Jack may be a huge skeeze but you're not even trying to be good at your job.

So, Ana (reasonably) then SPRINTS out of the building (although surprisingly does grab her purse and coat first) and then all the adrenaline drains away and she remembers that she hasn't eaten and just sort of sags to the ground. Since Grey was going to pick her up from work anyway he is naturally there.

Christian sinks to his knees at my side, and on some unconscious level, all I can think is: He’s here. My love is here.

Uhhhhhhggggggggggg.

So Grey is freaking out because he just saw Ana collapse (reasonable) and is looking her over for injuries because it takes her a minute to actually start talking. Once she does Grey goes from "ZOMG ARE YOU OKAY" to "MURDERNATE MODE ON!" which rubs me the wrong way. I wasn't sure at first, I've commented on getting the appeal of "here is my super wealthy, powerful, and sexy boyfriend who can actually help me when dealing with sexual harassment at work!" but when he flips to blind rage to the point that Ana gets scared FOR Jack (the man she just left writhing on the ground in agony) and begs him not to go... It reminds me of a conversation I had with an old co-worker of mine. We had somehow gotten onto rape culture (I didn't even start the conversation this time, honest) and he commented that his girlfriend and best friend had waited until a guy moved before telling him that this dude had raped them both.

He seemed almost proud of it. I mean, I get the "I am man and will protect my loved ones NO MATTER WHAT RAAAAAHHH" but I was miffed that he was proud of himself for behaving in such a way that was stressing out people who wanted to turn to him in a time of need were afraid to because they were afraid he'd get himself in trouble. Wasn't that appropriating their trauma and making things harder on loved ones? Shouldn't protecting loved ones be as much about protecting their psychological state as their physical one? Much to his credit, when I put it that way he was absolutely horrified of the actions of past him. Grey would not be horrified if it was pointed out he was appropriating Ana's trauma and maybe making it worse by not listening to what she is asking for (also bear in mind Grey doesn't know what happened, just that Jack did something). So, Grey's anger, once again, is more important than Ana's feelings in the face of her own trauma.

“Don’t go in. Don’t, Christian.” Suddenly my fear is back, fear of what Christian will do to Jack.
“Get in the car,” he barks at me.
“Christian, no.” I grab his arm.
“Get in the goddamned car, Ana.” He shakes me off.
“No! Please!” I plead with him. “Stay. Don’t leave me on my own.” I deploy my ultimate weapon.

Remember what I said about Ana not being able to just ask for what she wants and having to be very manipulative in how she asks? Yeah.


“Christian, he has my e-mails.”
“What?”
“My e-mails to you. He wanted to know where your e-mails to me were. He was trying to blackmail me.”
Christian’s look is murderous. Oh shit. “Fuck!” he splutters and narrows his eyes at me. He punches a number into his Blackberry.
Oh no. I’m in trouble.

YUP THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WAY TO HANDLE SOMEONE WHO IS OBVIOUSLY TRAUMATIZED! Grey makes two phone calls, one to an IT guy* and one to the owner of the company to get the e-mails wiped and to get Jack fired RIGHT THIS SECOND or he's liquidating the company! Jack was literally on his way to a big important conference that now has no one going to represent the company because of this, by the way. How is Grey successful? Right, black magic.

“Blackberry,” he hisses at me through clenched teeth.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” I blink up at him.
“I am so mad at you right now,” he snarls and once more sweeps his hand through his hair. “Get in the car.”
“Christian, please—”
“Get in the fucking car, Anastasia, or so help me I’ll put you in there myself,” he threatens, his eyes blazing with fury.
Oh shit. “Don’t do anything stupid, please,” I beg.
“STUPID!” he explodes. “I told you to use your fucking Blackberry. Don’t talk to me about stupid. Get in the motherfucking car, Anastasia—NOW!” he snarls and a frisson of fear runs through me. This is Very Angry Christian. I’ve not seen him this mad before. He’s barely holding on to his self-control.
“Okay,” I mutter, placating him. “But please, be careful.”
Pressing his lips together in a hard line, he points angrily to the car, glaring at me.
Jeez, okay, I get the message.

Holy fucking shit. Grey is actually kind of terrifying here, and I just want to take Ana aside, sit her down for some tea and talk about how this is Not Okay and abuse does not mean love. This is not how you should treat people you love. This is how you treat people you want to abuse. He's calling Ana stupid and implying Jack trying to blackmail her is her own fault. And yet, as stated earlier, he could have just replied to her personal e-mail address (which her blackberry is synced to) to bully her into using that instead of just constantly responding to her work e-mail and enabling that. I'm not saying he should HAVE to do this, but if he's going to go around screaming at her for being stupid in broad daylight on a street corner maybe he should consider more productive responses that are not blatantly abusive and terrifying?

So Grey goes in, and Jack comes out with a security guard and a box of his crap. Grey and Taylor then get in the car and we are on our way!

“Are you talking to me?” I ask quietly.
Christian glances at me, before fixing his eyes back on the road ahead, and I can tell he’s still mad.
“No,” he mutters sullenly.
Oh, there we go . . . how childish. I wrap my arms around myself and stare unseeing out the window. Perhaps I should just ask him to drop me off at my apartment, then he can
“not talk” to me from the safety of Escala and save us both the inevitable quarrel. But even as I think it, I know I don’t want to leave him to brood, not after yesterday.

I remember when The Boy and I were long distance, he called me and asked what he felt was an innocent enough question, and I did not. It led to a fight, and since we were long distance it was over the phone and I was just getting more and more angry, as was he. I stopped mid-sentence and said "You know what? We're just pissing each other off. I'll talk to you later." and then after we had both had time to cool off and sort out our thoughts we tried to have the conversation again and figured out where the upset had come from. I later told my Dad about this and he laughed, commenting that the art of fighting productively is not one people put nearly enough stock into. So I actually think telling Grey point blank "If you're not going to talk to me how about I go home and we can have this conversation when we both have a cooler head?" would actually be an AWESOME idea. I've commented on Ana being a slow-burn before, time-out during a fight is important to slow-burns. However Ana's reasoning isn't "this is a conversation we should have with less charged emotions" and is "I don't want to leave him alone because he was sad last night" and it shows just how effective Grey's emotional manipulation is and now I'm sad.

So they go into the elevator and Ana asks why he's so mad at her. His answer is basically "YOU KNOW WHY IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU I'D HAVE MURDERED HIM! AS IT IS I WILL ONLY RUIN HIS CAREER. YOU KNOW, SO HE CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYONE ELSE!" and... this freaks me out a little bit. There is a lot of data out there that says attempted rape can be as traumatic as rape, and what happened to Ana was definitely sexual harassment, if not assault (sexual assault is a word I'm never quite sure of the boundaries on, so someone correct or confirm me here). As someone who has been assaulted, I can say that that fucking counts as something happening to you. Also, again, it is about HIM, not her, when she's the one who was just cornered and threatened. Then there is this.

He shakes his head. “Jesus, Ana!” He grabs me suddenly, imprisoning me in the corner of the elevator.
His hands fist in my hair as he pulls my face up to his, and his mouth is on mine, a passionate desperation in his kiss. I don’t know why this takes me by surprise, but it does. I taste his relief, his longing, and his residual anger while his tongue possesses my mouth. He stops, gazing down at me, resting his weight against me so I can’t move.

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH GREY. SO FUCKING MUCH. Lets go over the list of what happened to Ana earlier: She was cornered, trapped, leered at, held accountable for someone else's feelings and expectations of her relationship to their dick, and manhandled a little bit. What did Grey just do? ALL OF THOSE THINGS. That- I just-

**

Moving on before I burst an artery. They get back to Grey's place and he's happy now that he has gotten to have his out burst and Ana has meekly agreed she will forever use her blackberry. Grey then goes off to call the IT guy back because... well, he found something on Jack's computer! We don't know what yet. Then there's this.

“What’s wrong?” Christian asks.
“I don’t know if I still have a job.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Do you still want one?”
“Of course.”
“Then you still have one.”
Simple. See? He is master of my universe. I roll my eyes at him and he smiles.

Grey has not asked "Are you okay?" by the way, just when he was trying to figure out why Ana had suddenly collapsed onto the sidewalk. This also just... ugh. PRIVILEGE! Moving on, Ana tries to figure out what Barney found, and Grey won't tell her (Cuddle porn is my bet. Jack seemed like a cuddler.) so she instead starts to tell him that Jose will be in town on Friday and he's crashing with Ana. So either he's staying there at Grey's place with her, or at her own place.

“What exactly are you asking?”
I bristle. “I’m not asking anything. I’m informing you of my plans for Friday. Look, I want to see José, and he wants to stay over. Either he stays here or he can stay at my place, but if he does I should be there, too.”
Christian’s eyes widen. He looks dumbfounded.
“He made a pass at you.”
“Christian, that was weeks ago. He was drunk, I was drunk, you saved the day—it won’t happen again. He’s no Jack, for heaven’s sake.”

I give up. Tamaki, you take it from here for a bit.

 “He’s my friend, Christian. I haven’t seen him since his show. And that was too brief. I know you don’t have any friends, apart from that god-awful woman, but I don’t moan about you seeing her,” I snap. Christian blinks, shocked. “I want to see him. I’ve been a poor friend to him.” My subconscious is alarmed. Are you stamping your little foot? Steady now!

“Think about what?”
“Elena. You’d rather I didn’t see her?”
Holy cow. “Exactly. I’d rather you didn’t see her.”
“Why didn’t you say?”
“Because it’s not my place to say. You think she’s your only friend.” I shrug in exasperation. He really doesn’t get it. How did this turn into a conversation about her?

“Are you okay?” he whispers into my hair.
“Okay?”
“After what happened with that fucker? After what happened yesterday?” he adds, his voice quiet and earnest.
I gaze into dark, serious, gray eyes. Am I okay? “Yes,” I whisper.

 Christian is still working. I have showered and dressed in some sweats and a T-shirt of my own, and I’m bored. I don’t want to read. If I sit still, I’ll recall Jack and his fingers on me.

Back down the hallway I find myself outside the playroom, and without thinking, I try the door handle. Christian normally keeps it locked, but to my surprise, the door opens. How strange. Feeling like a child playing hooky and straying into the forbidden forest, I walk in.
...
Tentatively I run my fingers over the belts, the floggers, the paddles, and the whips. Sheesh. This is what I need to square with Dr. Flynn. Can someone in this lifestyle just stop? It seems so improbable.

Christian is standing in the doorway, staring at me, his face unreadable. How long has he been there? I feel like I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

And we all know how well getting caught with her hand in the literal cookie jar went for her last time.

“You’re not mad?” I whisper, using my remaining breath.
He cocks his head to one side, and his lips twitch in amusement.
“Why would I be mad?”
“I feel like I’m trespassing . . . and you’re always mad at me.” My voice is quiet, though I’m relieved. Christian’s brow creases once more.
“Yes, you’re trespassing, but I’m not mad. I hope that one day you’ll live with me here, and all this”—he gestures vaguely round the room with one hand—“will be yours, too.”

"Even The Great American Challenge?"

“Am I angry with you all the time? I wasn’t this morning.”
Oh, that’s true. I smile at the memory of Christian when we woke, and it distracts me from the thought of what will become of the playroom. He was such fun Fifty this morning.
“You were playful. I like playful Christian.”

This reminds me of The Boy saying things like "I like affectionate Erika. She's less bitey." This happens often enough that it has prompted people to ask if there was an adjective-Erika that wasn't bitey at all. The answer is no. It just means I like you! Or I'm hungry. Or hello.


So Ana starts asking what different things are.

“This is for me?” I whisper.
“For you.” He nods slowly.
“This is the butt drawer?”
He smirks. “If you like.”

Now I'm sad that I don't have a butt drawer. Not for sexy reasons, just because I think having a drawer full of butt stuff would be adequately hilarious.

I swallow, and to divert his attention, pull out a device that looks like a spiky pastry cutter.
“This?” I frown. No baking in the playroom, surely.

This sounds like a docker to me. Meant to be used on bread more than pastry, mind you.


“You have power over me. You know you do,” I whisper.
“Do I? You make me feel . . . helpless.”
“No!” Oh Fifty . . . “Why?”
“Because you’re the only person I know who could really hurt me.” He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear.

Do we have to take a break from Ana trying to figure out what anal beads are for Grey to demand she re-affirm his feelings again?

“Ana, you were nearly attacked today.” His voice is soft but ice-cold and wary.
“So?” I ask, enjoying the feel of his hand at my back and his proximity. He pulls his head back and scowls down at me.
“What do you mean, ‘so?’ ” he rebukes.
I gaze up into his lovely, grumpy face, and I’m dazzled.
“Christian, I’m fine.”
He wraps me in his arms, holding me close. “When I think what might have happened,” he breathes, burying his face in my hair.
“When will you learn that I’m stronger than I look?”


Points for checking in, but don't ask "are you sure? Are you sure you're sure?" because that shit is exhausting dude.

“Ana, you may be ready to go back in there, but I’m not. Last time we were in there, you left me. I keep telling you—when will you understand?” He frowns, releasing me so that he can gesticulate with his free hand.
“My whole attitude has changed as a result. My whole outlook on life has radically shifted. I’ve told you this. What I haven’t told you is—” He stops and runs his hand through
his hair, searching for the correct words. “I’m like a recovering alcoholic, okay? That’s the only comparison I can draw. The compulsion has gone, but I don’t want to put temptation in my way. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He looks so remorseful, and in that moment, a sharp nagging pain lances through me. What have I done to this man? Have I improved his life? He was happy before he met me, wasn’t he? 

I'm pretty sure they have this exact conversation in Twilight.

 “Do you want me to fuck you on the stairs?” he mutters, his breathing ragged. “Because right now, I will.”
“Yes,” I murmur and I’m sure my dark gaze matches his.
He glares at me, his eyes hooded and heavy. “No. I want you in my bed.” He scoops me up suddenly over his shoulder, making me squeal, loudly, and smacks me hard on my behind, so that I squeal again. As he heads down the stairs, he stoops to pick up the fallen spreader bar.
Mrs. Jones is coming out of the utility room when we pass through the hall. She smiles at us, and I give her an apologetic upside-down wave. I don’t think Christian notices her.

I kind of love the idea of if they did start fucking on the stairs, Mrs. Jones walking in on them.

So let the fucking begin! They go back to Grey's room, and asks if she can touch him and undo his buttons/kiss his torso. Again, Ana is stopping to ask consent at each point and I kind of love it. She also comments that it's getting easier for him to be touched.

I know what I do to him, and it’s hedonistic, liberating, and sexy as hell. The feeling is heady, I’m not just powerful—I’m omniscient.

“When do I not behave?”
“I can think of a few infractions,” he says softly, running his fingers up the soles of my feet. It tickles, but the bar holds me in place, though I try to writhe away from his fingers.
“Your Blackberry, for one.”
I gasp. “What are you going to do?”

Okay, I've lost count of how many times we've had Grey pull the "I AM GOING TO BRING UP SOMETHING I'M MAD AT YOU FOR DURING SEX" thing. I feel it happens every time now.

And the award for least sexy sentence this chapter goes to!

Bending over, he kisses my belly, soft, sucky kisses

Belly and tummy are words that make me uncomfortable when they're in a sexy situation. Sucky is not a real word nor should it be.

“You are mine.” His voice is soft and deadly and with one last flick of his tongue, I fall—spectacularly—embracing my orgasm, and because my legs are so far apart, it goes on and on and I am lost.

Seriously, we get it. Grey owns Ana, and Ana has orgasms that are so powerful they open portals to other worlds so Grey can summon extra dimensional horrors through them.

So Grey is now fully utilizing the spreader bar, and has now fastened Ana's ankles and wrists together.

My knees are drawn up, my ass in the air, utterly vulnerable, completely his.
“Ana, you look so beautiful.” His voice is full of wonder, and I hear the rip of foil.

Wasn't there a whoooole lot of BS around Ana's birth control so they could stop using condoms?


“When you’re ready, I want this, too.” His finger is hovering over me. I gasp loudly as I feel myself tense under his gentle probing. “Not today, sweet Ana, but one day . . . I want you every way. I want to possess every inch of you. You’re mine.”

"I paid an extra 20 dollars for the Virginal Vixen Deluxe fuck toy and I plan to get my money's worth!" The not-deluxe version had a mop for hair. 

I can do this. He
takes me to these dark places, places I didn’t know existed, and together we fill them with blinding light. Oh yes . . . blazing, blinding light.

What the hell does that even mean?

So, they fuck, they both finish and it's noisy and they rip a hole in the Space Time Continuum and then they nap. Ana briefly surfaces from her nap with horrible beasts rampaging around and Grey telling her to never let go, but since Ana is apparently concussed it's hard for her. (Some of this may be me taking liberties).

“I need you,” he whispers, but his voice is a distant, ethereal part of my dreams. He needs me . . . needs me . . . and as I finally slip into the darkness, my last thoughts are of a small boy with gray eyes and dirty, messy, copper-colored hair smiling shyly at me.

Why does she keep picturing a man she has SUPER SEXY THOUGHTS about as a kid? Is this to further add to his Oedipus complex? Is it condoning it? It ties together in ways that make me feel icky. That brings us to the end of this week's chapter, tune in Sunday for this weeks book-club and as always, leave your thoughts on this cluster fuck in the comments! Also you can follow me on twitter @SnappyErika for updates on the blog, snark, silliness, and what ever social justice thing catches my eye! Until Sunday my dears!




*My Dad, being Mr. Business Dude, would often go on about how important it was to win over the techies in the company. He then added on that if you had nothing to do with hiring them (though he often did) the next best way to do this was to feed them. I know there are a handful that to this day, even though he's moved to a different province, he's stayed friends with. I now have the mental image of Grey trying to bribe the IT guys into liking him with food and it delights me.

**For nerd reasons I now have a collection of Tamaki .gifs and images. They will probably start turning up often because there are so many.

50 Shades Darker, Chapter 14, which was supposed to be a guest post, but Erika felt it was inhumane to make someone else do this chapter

This chapter is post 200 on Something Short and Snappy, just want to throw that out there y'all. Happy 200! I'm moving in a few days (to a much nicer apartment in a much nicer neighborhood) and Editor #2 (aka Mad Scientist Alex), being an awesome friend, offered to do this week's 50 Shades post so I could concentrate on the battle with Boxzilla. I was ready to take him up on that offer (and next week will be him! Be excited!) but once I read the chapter I realized there was no humane way for me to inflict this chapter upon him. I warned you guys last week that this chapter was going to be bad; I meant it. Your booze. Grab it.

Just a quick recap of last chapter: Leila, Grey's gun-toting ex, was found in Ana's apartment, and Grey took care of her without really explaining to Ana what was going on. Ana figured that meant obviously they were going to fuck, freaked out, went to get some drinks with Ethan, and when she went back to Grey's resolved to ask for some space (aka: Be allowed to go back to her own damned house) he FREAKS OUT and goes into Sub mode.

Okay, ready? Here we go!

So, there's a big thing about how Grey wants the perfect sub in book 1, and how Ana can't be that. Since he is perfect, we're to believe that he is also awesome at being a Sub. I think that's what we're supposed to believe as Ana describes him as being serene, but, well, he's bad at it. Ana asks/begs/pleads for Grey not to do this, he ignores her. When she gives him a direct command ("Say something!") his response is a bland "What would you like me to say?"

She has given a few orders/requests, and he ignores them. Even while being submissive, he is still being dominate by trying to bully Ana into the role of Dominate. Ana realizes she'll have to "fight" to bring "her 50" back. But she won't dominate him because that's gross and icky and would make her like Elena and she's obviously way better than that!

As my thoughts clear, I can see only one way. Not taking my eyes off his, I sink to my knees in front of him.
The wooden floor is hard against my shins, and I dash my tears away roughly with the back of my hand.
Like this, we are equals. We’re on a level. This is the only way I’m going to retrieve him.

WE GET IT BDSM IN THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A STAND IN FOR POWER! Ana, by curing him of his darkness with her white-magic snatch is curing him of his need for BDSM/giving him the ability to not NEED to be in control. But Grey's need to control people/his surroundings comes from his having felt useless/helpless in the past. It comes from deep-seated insecurities, and Ana can't fix that; he has to.  She can help him realize he wants to fix that, but he talks about not feeling the need to go back to the play room, all because of her! So this whole "and now they are both submissive and therefore equal" thing? It doesn't really fit with the theme of the dominating sex stuff being about overall power in the relationship, and I actually think Ana the Dom would have done a better job of portraying that. However, we instead get this moral superiority that dom=bad and evil, sub=good and pure. If we follow this tangent further it's saying that dominate behaviors are bad (which includes things like bluntly asking for what you want, initiating sex) while submissive ones are good (like Ana engineering situations to ask for her wants because of Grey's "moods" and seducing him via ass waggling as opposed to just going for the gold or SAYING she wants to fuck). So basically this book is telling me that a good relationship is one that limits direct, blunt, honest communication in favor of indirect hints. Ana actually does often say what she wants directly, but unless she frames and times it well (like a few chapters ago when she asked to go to work alone in the tub) it often ends in a fight, or Grey having a psychotic breakdown.


Ana then starts to babble about how she loves him, but there is a lot of baggage and she just wants some space and time to figure out how she feels about a lot of it and how she wants to handle it. I wholeheartedly support this thought, by the way. An old roommate and I had a theory that there were two types of people: fast burns and slow burns. Fast burners are those people who tend to be really intense and what they feel they feel in a big way, and right away. When they're done, they're done. Slow burns are obviously the opposite, they tend to be more subdued in their emotions as it takes longer and more to rile them up, and when they do get riled up it often takes them a little longer to sort it out because sometimes its taken them so long to GET upset they're not entirely sure what, exactly, they're mad about. When a fast burn and a slow burn fight it often leads to the fast burn getting everything out all at once, and the slow burn going along and then being left to sift through it after the fact and if they realize that they're still upset/have issues they either need to deal with them on their own or risk upsetting their fast-burning other half by bringing the same issue up after the fact. We've seen Grey get upset at Ana for revisiting old problems (like her issues with Elena) because she's still trying to understand (admittedly, Ana did go back to that one a LOT, but the point still stands). So Ana outright saying "I wanted time and space to figure out how I feel so we can talk about this all at once, rather than repeatedly which upsets you" IS AN AWESOME WAY TO APPROACH THIS! Yay Ana! Shame that it's getting shit on by Grey here.

You see, as Ana offers this explanation, Grey doesn't bat a lash. She's sobbing, visibly upset and anxious, and he's just staring at her. I'd say he wants her to talk and he wants to hear her out but she isn't even sure if he can hear her, so I really think he's letting her talk herself out so he doesn't need to justify himself. Which is exactly what she does. She goes on to talk about her insecurities about not being able to be a Sub and seeing Leila was hard for her and she just doesn't get why he thinks she's awesome because he's like, super perfect and she's just... plain old Ana!

Oh, he’s so exasperating. Talk to me, damn it!
“Are you going to kneel here all night? Because I’ll do it, too,” I snap at him.
I think his expression softens—maybe he looks vaguely amused. But it’s so hard to tell.
I could reach across and touch him, but this would be a gross abuse of the position he’s put me in. I don’t want that, but I don’t know what he wants, or what he’s trying to say to me. I just don’t understand.
“Christian, please, please . . . talk to me,” I beseech him, wringing my hands in my lap. I am uncomfortable on my knees, but I continue to kneel, staring into his serious, beautiful, gray eyes, and I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
“Please,” I beg once more.
His intense gaze darkens suddenly and he blinks.
“I was so scared,” he whispers.

YOU MANIPULATIVE COCKSLIME! He leaves Ana panicking and lets her pour her deepest insecurities out in her panic and fear that she broke him and his first response (after he leaves her crying in terrified silence) is all about him. He has managed with his silence to lead her away from her upset and back into being concerned about him, and he knows that he can now have her coddle his feelings.


Oh, thank the Lord! Inside, my subconscious staggers back into her armchair, sagging with relief, and takes a large swig of gin.


That sounds like an excellent idea.

He’s talking! Gratitude overwhelms me, and I swallow, trying to contain my emotion and the fresh bout of tears that threatens.


She is overwhelmed by gratitude because he is talking. Just think about that for a minute. His irrational, misplaced fear (which she has just spent a fair bit of time trying to lay to rest within her own emotional rant) is still demanding attention, rather than Ana's distress. I'm not saying Grey's feelings don't, or shouldn't, matter. I'm just tired of them mattering more than Ana's.

First, he explains why he was such a jackass to Ana in her own apartment about getting her out of there (he was scared for her safety, even after he had the gun) and waits to see that she's into it before he continues.

He swallows. “Seeing her in that state, knowing that I might have something to do with her mental breakdown . . .” He closes his eyes once more. “She was always so mischievous and lively.” He shudders and takes a rasping breath, almost like a sob. This is torture to listen to, but I kneel, attentive, lapping up this insight.

My first response was to call Grey out for appropriating Leila's trauma, but, I kind of have to give him this one. That shit would be traumatic. What is creepy here is Ana. She claims this is torture to listen to (seeing your loved ones in pain is awful, yes) but describes herself as "lapping up" these insights. That... doesn't sound tortured to me, that sounds like she's reveling in it.


So once Grey finishes talking about how he was just so worried about Ana and her safety and that she was going to run away they reassure each other that they're totes in love and we get this:

“I love you, too, Christian, and to see you like this is . . .” I choke and my tears start afresh. “I thought I’d broken you.”
“Broken? Me? Oh no, Ana. Just the opposite.” He reaches out and takes my hand. “You’re my lifeline,” he whispers, and he kisses my knuckles before pressing my palm against his.

REALLY BECAUSE WHEN YOU WENT INTO SUB MOVE AND WERE TOTALLY UNRESPONSIVE THAT SEEMED PRETTY FUCKING BROKEN DUDE! He then grabs her hand, puts it on his chest, and sits there hyperventilating. Ana tries to pull away because she's not comfortable with this and he doesn't let her. I get that it's supposed to be a show of trust here, but if she isn't okay with it at the moment, then DON'T FUCKING FORCE HER! She switches to being on side with it pretty quickly, though.

Gently I start to undo the buttons on his shirt. It’s tricky with one hand. I flex my fingers beneath his hand and he lets go, allowing me to use both hands to undo his shirt. My eyes don’t leave his as I pull his shirt open, revealing his chest.
He swallows, and his lips part as his breathing increases, and I sense his rising panic, but he doesn’t pull away. Is he still in sub mode? I have no idea.

And there is something bizarre about this scene. Ana isn't sure if he's still in sub-mode which makes her unbuttoning his shirt and touching his chest (a hard limit for him) deeply problematic. There is one thing I really do like about it, and that is that Ana stops and asks for consent before each action. When Grey doesn't seem into it, she tries to stop and he puts her hand back. When she kisses his scars (we all knew this was coming) she stops and studies his reaction, and she doesn't do it until he tells her to. I find myself liking Ana quite a bit this chapter, and it makes me sad to see her getting swept along with Grey's emotional manipulation.

“Oh, Ana,” he breathes, and he twists and pulls me down on to the floor so that I am underneath him. I bring my hands up to cup his beautiful face, and in that moment, I feel his tears.
He’s crying . . . no. No!
“Christian, please, don’t cry. I meant it when I said I’d never leave you. I did. If I gave you any other impression, I’m so sorry . . . please, please forgive me. I love you. I will always love you.”

She's begging forgiveness because he wouldn't let her finish a god damned sentence. However now it's time for what we've been waiting for since book 1! Grey's Big Dark Secret! Is he about to confess the nature of his dark magics to Ana? Show her his collection of severed doll's heads? Maybe he has a secret knitting room?!

He takes a deep breath and swallows. “I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore—my birth mother. I’m sure you can guess why.” He says it in a rush as if he’s had the sentence in his head for days and days and is desperate to be rid of it.

Ana's first response is "B-but you said you weren't a sadist. You just said you were a Dom," as she tries to absorb this. I'm not that surprised, to be honest. This is about the level of pseudo-psychology I'd expect from this book.

Then it hits me like a wrecking ball. If he’s a sadist, he really needs all that whipping and caning shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands.
“So it’s true,” I whisper, glancing up at him. “I can’t give you what you need.” This is it—this really does mean we are incompatible. 


That's right, Ana's first clear thought is "OH NO THIS MEANS I CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY" not "holy shit you want to whip me as a way to take out aggression on your dead Mom AND you presented that as a sex thing."


“When you said you loved me, it was a revelation. No one’s ever said it to me before, and it was as if I’d laid something to rest—or maybe you’d laid it to rest, I don’t know. Dr. Flynn and I are still in deep discussion about it.”
Oh. Hope flares briefly in my heart. Perhaps we’ll be okay. I want us to be okay. Don’t I? “What does that all mean?” I whisper.
“It means I don’t need it. Not now.”
What? “How do you know? How can you be so sure?”
“I just know. The thought of hurting you . . . in any real way . . . it’s abhorrent to me.”

I find it hard to believe that his super sweet doctor Mom never said "I love you" as she tucked him in at night. Doctors need to take some level of psych in school, don't they? Or read any parenting book when she had her own kids, or had some sort of social worker that comes through during adoption processes who would have talked her through it? I hate that Grey has been cured from BDSM by love, because it just spells it out in big block letters that BDSM=BAD and it isn't. If everything is being done safely and consensually, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it (like any other sex act!). I hate how a book that is supposed to be kink positive is selling us this crap that there is only one acceptable romantic and sexual narrative. I hate it almost as much as Grey being cured by love.

“You’re still here. I thought you would be out of the door by now,” he whispers.
“Why? Because I might think you’re a sicko for whipping and fucking women who look like your mother? Whatever would give you that impression?” I hiss at him, lashing out.
He blanches at my harsh words.
“Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that, but yes,” he says, his eyes wide and hurt.
His expression is sobering and I regret my outburst. I frown, feeling a pang of guilt.

When I first read this I thought "Well, that joke is in poor taste" and then I finished the sentence and realized Ana wasn't joking. I'm torn on how I feel about it. Grey is emotionally manipulative and abusive, and so I don't feel much sympathy for him. On the other hand, he did just do something huge by opening up about it to Ana and this really comes out of no where (she goes from confused about him being "cured" to this?) but Grey knows how easy it is to make Ana feel guilt.

His easy dismissal of her comes to mind: No one of consequence . . . She’s responsible for all this . . . and I look like her . . . Fuck!

Yeah, say it with me. EEEWWWWW!

There's more "So... you're not leaving?" and puppy dog eyes as Ana announcing that she is exhausted and wants to just go to sleep and they can talk about this more later, okay?

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers.
“Oh, for crying out loud—no! I am not going to go!” I shout and it’s cathartic. There, I’ve said it. I am not leaving.
“Really?” His eyes widen.
“What can I do to make you understand I will not run? What can I say?”
He gazes at me, revealing his fear and anguish again. He swallows. “There is one thing you can do.”
“What?” I snap.
“Marry me,” he whispers.
What? Did he really just—

Nope, not enough.

Okay, little better.

Ana's response is hysterical laughter (which is right and just). Grey is wounded, but Ana points out that they haven't been together that long (FIVE WEEKS!) and he just told her his initial attraction to her involved wanting to beat his mother up. Girl needs time to think- she isn't saying no, she just isn't saying yes yet, either. Grey sulkily finds this acceptable (and is prodded that maybe he should propose again later, but more romantically).

So despite the fact that Ana is exhausted and just wants to go to bed, she lets it slip that she's hungry in her litany of complaints on why she needs to stop having a SUPER SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS for now, Grey demands she eats first. While he's microwaving some left over KD (ick) and Grey starts to get growly at Ana for not knowing where she went (she left her purse and phone! He couldn't track her!) and Ana's response is to play ball. She asks what he did with Leila. The answer? Gave her a bath (ick).

Try to rationalize this, my subconscious coaches. That cool, intellectual part of my brain knows that he just did that because she was dirty, but it’s too hard. My fragile jealous self can’t bear it.
Suddenly I want to cry—not succumb to ladylike tears that trickle decorously down my cheeks, but howling at the moon crying.

I'm torn on how I feel about all this. If I found out The Boy's ex had turned up on our doorstep a naked broken mess and he shooed me out and gave her a bath while he waited for the paramedics... I understand the thought of "Shit what do I do I can not freak out if I can find something to DO!" and latching onto just about anything, but at the same time: help was on the way, dude. He also could have washed her up without giving her a full on bath. I think Ana's right to feel that it was Not Okay for him to give her a bath, but I also appreciate her effort to rationalize it and the recognition that it's jealousy/she is totally beaten from the days events.


“Ana, please.”
I whirl around and face him. “Just stop, Christian! Just stop with the ‘Ana, please’!” I shout at him, and my tears start to trickle down my face. “I’ve had enough of all this shit today. I am going to bed. I am tired and emotional. Now let me be.”

She then sprints off to get ready for bed/the bathroom and just breaks down sobbing because that's the kind of day she's had. That's the end of the chapter folks! Told you it was brutal. Bets on him barging in in about seven seconds next chapter?


So that's all for this week, sound off in the comments with what you think, and tune in Sunday for the first book club! Chapter 1 of Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle! Till then!

50 Shades Darker Chapter 12 in which the book pretends to have a plot.

I'll open this decon with a bit more of an in-depth recap than previous chapters because I know there's recently been a bit of an explosion of new readers here thanks to Will's Schrodinger's Closet and Ender's Game posts (all of which are excellent and you should go read with your face orbs).

So for those of you stopping in for the first time, here's what's up in the book so far!

In book one, Christian Grey, the pinnacle of manly beauty and sexy prowess, powerful CEO, super duper sexy sexing BDSM enthusiast, and owner of a TRAGIC PAST (TM), meets our narrator, the totally bland, innocent, and younger-enough-to-be-creepy Anastasia Rose Steele. Yes, that is her real name. After a book's worth of "will they/won't they" Ana decides that yes, she will be his sub! Then at the end of book 1 they break up because Ana just can't do it! At the start of book two they get back together, but this time they're just dating, none of the sub/dom stuff that we spent a whole book hearing about in painful detail.

Book 2 has inflicted upon us more controlling rage and a crazed ex trying to maybe kill Ana? Oh, and Grey's ex of significance, an older woman often called Mrs. Robinson, has started trying to befriend Ana in the most hilarious and awkward ways possible.

Last chapter I finally figured out that Grey isn't a warlock (the only way to explain how any woman would want to be in a relationship with him) but is probably a necromancer. There were some "soul stirring orgasms" and, although this is supposed to be a sex- and BDSM-positive book, Grey declared that BDSM isn't for people in committed relationships. Grey also fucks around with Ana's career (having bought the company she works for) to "protect" her, and after 5 weeks of dating they have decided to move in together! The chapter finished up with Mrs. Robinson turning up despite both Ana and Grey telling her that Ana wanted nothing to do with her! Let's see what EL James has in store for us this week, shall we?

And here she is . . . Why is she so damned attractive? She’s dressed entirely in black: tight jeans, a shirt that emphasizes her perfect figure, and a halo of bright, glossy hair.

I'm really unsure of why Ana keeps obsessing over how blond Elena is; almost every female character in this book is blond. Grey's sister, Ana, Leila (Grey's gun-toting ex-sub) and the black woman Ana works with are the only non-blonds in the book, counting every waitress, receptionist, and secretary that we've met. I also burst out laughing here. Grey is always wearing gray, from head to toe, and last chapter we saw Ana doing the same. This is one of the many ways the author beats us over the head with the moral and emotional ambiguity around him. Now we see Elena dressing entirely in black. I can only assume this is meant to reassure us that despite Grey claiming she's an old and dear friend, Ana is right and she is totes evil. I don't know WHY this bothers me so much. I should be used to EL James' ham-fisted writing, but on average, people tend to avoid wearing all one color. It's boring and rarely a good look. Sort of something you mostly do at funerals--oh my god, you guys, Elena is totally just coming from a funeral, a sexy funeral!

Elena is surprised to see Ana there, as Grey only used to have his subs around on weekends. She tells Ana point blank she didn't think Ana'd be around and apologizes, she gets that Ana wants nothing to do with her. It's all super awkward, but it does a pretty decent job of underlining that yes, Elena has been in Grey's life for a long time and yes, she is comfortable with him and his home. Elena explains (in front of Ana, at Grey's insistence) that she's being blackmailed. Ana is, reasonably, filled with glee because clearly she deserves it. It is at about this point that Ana realizes she really shouldn't be there and skitters away--only to eavesdrop on their conversation once she's gone. No, really.

So what does Ana hear? Naturally Elena asking Grey about how things are going, scolding him for being too hard on himself, telling him he deserves to be happy. You know, the normal day-to-day conversations you have with friends. There are a few things I want to highlight, though.

“Does she know how negative you are about yourself? About all your issues.”
“She knows me better than anyone.”
“Ouch! That hurts.”

I am actually kind of on side with Elena here. She's been the only one to put up with Grey's BS for many years now. Suddenly he's dating some new girl (for all of five weeks) and he's saying she's the stars and the moon and really gets him more than anyone else ever. If I were in Elena's position, yeah, that would sting. However Elena's dialog is given no tags, so I assume this is meant to be taunting him (because that's the only not horrific way to say it) but I could be very wrong. As this next bit might suggest I am.

“What is her problem?”
“You . . . What we were. What we did. She doesn’t understand.”
“Make her understand.”
“It’s in the past, Elena, and why would I want to taint her with our fucked-up relationship? She’s good and sweet and innocent, and by some miracle she loves me.”

Again, I'm still kind of sympathetic to Elena here. I have a lot of dude friends, and have always had more dude friends than girl friends. I also fall somewhere on the scale of "conventionally attractive" and so (especially when I was younger) when my guy friends got girlfriends, they'd often vanish. I figured out early that this wasn't really about me as a person but the idea of a pretty girl who had known her boyfriend longer and was maybe closer to him. Once I wrapped my head around that, I realized that if I made an effort to actually get to know these girls they'd probably return the favor. More often than not, that worked out wonderfully for me and there are some cases where I've stayed friends with the girls long after the break up with my friends.

Ana is 21, which is still very much in the age bracket of this being a problem. Grey is closer to 30, but this is his first relationship so no surprises that he's acting like an overeager 14 year old about it. I think it is a safe assumption that Elena has other friends besides Grey (we know she first met him because she was friends with his mother) so I'm not surprised that Elena tries to befriend Ana; she's probably been through the paces. What I am surprised by is her first interaction with Ana involving saying "If you hurt him I will find you" BEFORE she gets into the "we should do lunch!" part. I get that she is supposed to be protective of Grey, but she is bad at it. If Grey is in his late twenties and Elena is older by enough that it was rape she would have to be at least 10 years older, if not more, so that'd put her in her late thirties/early forties. So you are telling me that Elena is going to think the right response to a girl almost half her age, who she's never met, getting a bit spooked by Grey being Grey is to threaten her? And then be surprised why she doesn't get it? I'm authentically uncertain what I'm supposed to take away from this book about Elena. Is she supposed to be "Grey's dearest friend" who is just too protective and who he seems to treat like shit, or am I supposed to see her as an evil meddlesome seductress? Because there's evidence to support both of these things.

One of the other things I want to draw attention to in that exchange (there's a lot to unpack here) is the "make her understand". Elena is supposed to be nearing 40, by my estimation (and according to the 50 Shades wiki). You are giving me a 40 year old woman who is acting like she's 19, and I don't understand why, EL James.

Lastly before we can move onto a new expert is Grey's continuing fertilization of Ana's innocence. When we first met her she had never been kissed or dated. Grey is her first everything; she hadn't even masturbated (and still hasn't, by his orders). I'm still not sure why. The target audience for this book is women who are Elena's age or older, so I can understand them being uncomfortable with someone their own daughter's age being self-possessed and sexually experienced and confident. The flip side is: I can't imagine reading an erotic novel and drawing any parallel between my own daughter and the woman being hammered away on and finishing the book. I don't think Ana is supposed to be a reader insert character, she's too young and too inexperienced for women who are wives and Mother's to picture themselves as her. Or I would assume so. I am not yet either of those things so if someone wants to correct me on this one, by all means. Perhaps the goal is to sell "the good old days" but not like they happened at all, but for many people their twenties was when they started to figure their shit out and branch out and experience freedom. There's some very real confusion there, but many people look back at the adventures and debauchery fondly (I know my parents do). EL James is stripping a lot of that away by making Ana so innocent, so it seems unlikely to me that she's supposed to be a reader insert.

Elena asks Grey about his relationship/if he misses his play room/etc when we get this:

“Elena, we have a business relationship which has profited us both immensely. Let’s keep it that way. What was between us is part of the past. Anastasia is my future, and I won’t jeopardize it in any way, so cut the fucking crap.”
[...]
“I don’t want to lose you, Christian.”
“I’m not yours to lose, Elena,” he snaps again.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” He’s brusque, angry.
“Look, I don’t want to argue with you. Your friendship means a lot to me. I’ll back off from Anastasia. But I’m here if you need me. I always will be.”

And this is basically why I sympathize with Elena. She loves Grey, even if it isn't romantic (although I am a firm believer that you can love someone in more than one way at once, so I do think it is in part romantic) and values his friendship immensely, and has for many years. If one of my best friends was suddenly vanishing after 20 years, I'd voice concern over losing them, too. However because Ana is our narrator, this isn't about friendship, this is about Elena being in love with Grey and trying to take more than what is her's to take. I think this exchange is meant more to be about how much Grey loves Ana and that their love is twu and nothing will ever come between them.

I'm gonna be honest here. I think that's bullshit. I was a weird kid: at 15 I realized that while I enjoyed dating and having a boyfriend it was super important that I have a friends and life outside of that boyfriend because odds were one day he would no longer be my boyfriend and then what? This has been something I've carried with me my entire life. I'm getting married in the fall and I still think it's important to have friends that are mine and not ours. It helps keep me centered and grounded and offers a sometimes much needed change of pace. Besides, there's only about half overlap in tastes for movies/music*, and I need people who are not him to go to the movies with in these instances. Since I have always made an active effort to maintain my not romantic relationships during the times when I have a romantic one, if my friends start to voice concerns that "hey, something seems off with you and your SO, and I'm concerned"** I'm going to give that some very serious thought, not assume that they are trying to destroy my relationship because... seriously, why do people think someone would be out to destroy their relationship? I can see parents or close friends stepping in when there are things like abuse happening, but that's about it. Then again, I live in a world where I am surrounded primarily by reasonable and well-meaning people, and I suspect this statement reflects that.

So Elena leaves after agreeing to have one of Grey's guys look into who's blackmailing her, and Ana has to scuttle to his room to avoid being caught eavesdropping. To her credit, she will admit that she did so, and this is more of a panicked move than a premeditated one.

I gaze up at him, trying to frame my question. “Will you tell me all about her? I am trying to understand why you think she helped you.” I pause, thinking carefully about my next sentence. “I loathe her, Christian. I think she did you untold damage. You have no friends. Did she keep them away from you?”
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.
“Why the fuck do you want to know about her? We had a very long-standing affair, she beat the shit out of me often, and I fucked her in all sorts of ways you can’t even imagine, end of story.”
I pale. Shit, he’s angry—with me. I blink at him. “Why are you so angry?”
“Because all of that shit is OVER!” he shouts, glowering at me. He sighs in exasperation and shakes his head.
I blanch. Shit. I look down at my hands, knotted in my lap. I just want to understand.

Ana has been pretty awful about Elena so far, so I want to try to give Grey some credit about being tired of going over it. At the same time, he is being such a cantankerous ass about it, any credit I can try to scrounge up is just lost. Ana is trying to understand, and all of the concerns she voices are valid, but Grey's responses are just... cruel, frankly. "We did the BDSM thing and had crazy wild sex" and he will go on to say he used to think he loved her but with Ana he realizes what love really is and so no, he never loved Elena! Remember what I said earlier about believing that there are many ways to love a person, and you tend to love them in more than one way at once? Grey will also insist that it wasn't rape because he consented and could have broken up with her at any time when they had their thing going on, and discusses how she's helped him come to terms with his feelings for Ana.

What do I make of this? Maybe she is on my side and just worried that I’ll hurt him. The thought is painful. I would never want to hurt him. She’s right—he’s been hurt enough.
Perhaps she’s not so bad. I shake my head. I don’t want to accept his relationship with her. I disapprove. Yes, that’s what this is. She’s an unsavory character who preyed on a vulnerable adolescent, robbing him of his teenage years, no matter what he says.

Super torn on this, to be frank. I agree with Ana in that what Mrs. Robinson did was wrong, but if Grey, the victim, doesn't think so, is it still okay to insist it is? Doesn't he get to be the authority on that one? It's the flip side of someone telling a woman she wasn't really assaulted because he didn't jump out of the bushes at her.  Things then segue into Ana not being perfectly compliant with being monitored all the time.

“Do you want to fight about that, too?” he snaps.
“I wasn’t aware we were fighting. I thought we were communicating,” I mumble petulantly.
He closes his eyes briefly as he struggles to contain his temper. I swallow and watch anxiously. Jeez, this could go either way.

His response is to storm off to go work. I've commented before that any time Ana tries to talk about something that's upsetting her Grey's response is anger. Last chapter, when she literally begged him to be allowed to go to work without a security guard, she had to wait until a super relaxed calm point to do so. Grey acts like Ana has him whipped but restricts her from doing things like leaving her office or going home alone. He bought her a new car that she isn't allowed to drive because it might be dangerous. Everything he does he does in the name of her safety, but it is still taking away agency and choice and it is still terrifying. After Grey storms off, Ana is left to her own devices.

We just don’t know each other that well. Do I really want to move in with him? I don’t even know if I should make him a cup of tea or coffee while he’s working. Should I disturb him at all? I have no idea of his likes and dislikes.

According to Grey, Ana knows him better than anyone else in the world and he has asked her to move in with him after five weeks of dating. Ana feels they keep fighting because they're still getting to know each other and that this is normal for new relationships. It's been a while since I've done the "new relationship" thing, but in my direct and indirect experience, if you're fighting this much this early you fucking bail. The first bit is all about getting to know each other and fun and adventures! You're in the honeymoon phase, not the "I am afraid to ask to go to work alone" phase! THAT SHOULD NOT BE A PHASE YOU GO THROUGH!

So Ana will putter around a bit, call her Dad, and go read before Grey finds her dozing in the library and puts her to bed. She wakes up in the middle of the night to find Grey playing piano in his bubble of isolation (again).


“Why do we fight?” he whispers, as his teeth graze my earlobe.
Holy cow. My heart skips a beat, then starts pounding, coursing heat throughout my body.
“Because we’re getting to know each other, and you’re stubborn and cantankerous and moody and difficult,” I murmur breathlessly, shifting my head to give him better access to my throat. He runs his nose down my neck, and I feel his smile.
“I’m all those things, Miss Steele. It’s a wonder you put up with me.” He nips my earlobe and I moan. “Is it always like this?” he sighs.
“I have no idea.”

Grey has two moves, intimidate and seduce. If we look at a more typical abuse pattern, it's the charming husband and the horrible abuser (or the early stages there of). We saw the abuser earlier, now he's being charming (or in his case sexy because the man doesn't have enough personality to be charming). I've commented before on Grey derailing Ana with his black-magic sex powers when she tries to ask questions, and it is one of the few consistent behaviors he exhibits.

In his usual form, he starts to get handsy and because black-magic sex powers Ana is right into it. So they start fooling around on the piano.

“Oh no, baby, not yet,” he teases, but I feel myself quicken as does he, and he stops.
“No,” I whimper.
“This is my revenge, Ana,” he growls softly. “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.” He trails kisses along my belly, his hands traveling up my thighs, stroking, kneading, tantalizing.

Okay, I talk about sex being different for everyone no two vaginas are the same often, but seriously, how the hell can he have that level of knowledge to actually keep her on the cusp and not just accidentally shoving her over to a shitty orgasm consistently? INTERNET HELP. Also, he even fucking admits to using sex to punish her. I mean, there are worse punishments, but he clearly and repeatedly says "If you fight with me there will be consequences." ANA YOU ARE COVERED IN SLIPPERY STAIN USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE TO THROW YOURSELF OFF THE PIANO AND SKID OUT THE DOOR!

Lifting my feet off the keys, he pushes me; and suddenly, I’m sliding effortlessly up the piano, gliding on satin, and he’s following me up there, briefly kneeling between my legs to roll on a condom. He hovers over me and I’m panting, gazing up at him with raging need, and I realize he’s naked. When did he take off his clothes?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS HE WAS PLAYING HIS EMO PIANO IN HIS CIRCLE OF LONELY LIGHT NAKED!

Also where the hell did that condom come from? Does Grey have Summon: Condom? He's naked and nowhere near a drawer; this is raising a lot of questions. Did he store one in Ana's cooter for later? Is that one of his black powers? Is the piano in fact made of condoms?


So they bone (off page, tragically, because I rather enjoy these purple sex scenes) and the next morning they wake up and Grey makes an off hand comment about not having nightmares when Ana is around. This leads her (innocently enough) asking what those nightmares are about which leads into talk of his TRAGIC PAST (TM). So, to save you all the groaning, Grey talks about how the dreams are flashbacks (though doesn't tell us what they are, we did see one at the start of this book) and Ana, frantic to not set him off so early, asks him for happy childhood memories. He comments on the crackwhore (the charming nickname he has for his birth mother) baking him a birthday cake, his baby sister, and his piano teacher before they start fooling around.

No really, that is the progression of events. I know I like to get my bone on right after talking about my childhood!

Skip ahead a few pages, Ana has gone to work, mentioned Kate's brother Ethan will be back in town today and she should go by her apartment to help him settle in, gotten a few e-mails via Blackberry with Grey about spankings and given him the heads up on "hey leaving the office now just FYI" because he must be kept aware of all her movements and now we're onto her boss leering at her some more.

“Would he object to you coming out for a quick drink tonight? To celebrate all your hard work?”
“I have a friend coming in from out of town tonight, and we’re all going out for dinner.” And I’ll be busy every night, Jack.
“I see.” He sighs, exasperated. “Maybe when I’m back from New York, huh?” He raises his eyebrows in expectation, and his gaze darkens suggestively.
Oh no. I smile, noncommittal, stifling a shudder.
“Would you like some coffee or tea?” I ask.
“Coffee, please.” His voice is low and husky as if he’s asking for something else. Fuck. He’s not going to back off. I can see that now. Oh . . . What to do?

This is all so, so creepy. This is the third or fourth time he has asked her out for a drink. The hint: take it. So Ethan gives her a call and is all "SOON I SHALL BE UPON YOU CAN I HAVE KEYS TO OUR NEW APARTMENT PLEASE?" and when he turns up to see Ana at work this is his first response.

“You look . . . wow—different. Worldly, more sophisticated. What’s happened? You changed your hair? Clothes? I don’t know, Steele, but you look hot!”
I blush furiously. “Oh, Ethan. I’m just in my work clothes,” I scold as Claire looks on with an arched eyebrow and a wry smile.

Every single dude wants in Ana's pants, even her BFFF's brother. We have also been told that he's just kinda like this though, so... not sure. He at least seemed authentically enthusiastic about the idea of going out to dinner with Grey and Ana later.


“Yeah. Laters.” He leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Elliot’s expression?”
“Yeah, kind of grows on you.”
“It does. Laters.” I smile at him as he collects his large shoulder bag from beside the green couch and exits the building.
When I turn, Jack is watching me from the far side of the foyer, his expression unreadable. I smile brightly at him and head back to my desk, feeling his eyes on me the whole time. This is beginning to get on my nerves. What to do? I have no idea. I’ll have to wait until Kate is back. She’s bound to come up with a plan.

I like that Ana is remembering Kate exists, and that she is enthusiastic about her return. I like that her thought is "Kate will understand how to better cope with lechers and help give me strategies" as opposed to running to Grey who will DESTROY Jack. By the same token, this is an interesting thought. When I had the owner's brother in law pinching my ass at an old job, I was afraid to step forward because what if he got fired and this caused a huge rift and he has kids! I was worried about my abuser's well-being. I don't think this is uncommon, women are often made to feel responsible for the abuse they get, and it's on us to fix things and take care of everyone. It's bullshit, and I wonder if EL James has considered that when she wrote this.

So Grey picks Ana up from work and they're all cute and bubbly and SO TOTALLY IN LOVE. Which means something horrible is about to happen.

“Hi, Ethan, it’s me. Let me in.”
The door buzzes, and I head upstairs to the apartment. It occurs to me that I have not been here since Saturday morning. That seems so long ago. Ethan has kindly left the front door open. I step into the apartment, and I don’t know why, but I freeze instinctively as soon as I step inside. I take a moment to realize it’s because the pale, wan figure standing by the kitchen island, holding a small revolver is Leila, and she’s gazing impassively at me.

Told ya. Think she shot Ethan? We haven't seen him enough for me as a reader to give much of a crap about his character, but I can see how Ana and Grey will be affected. And that, naturally, is the end of the chapter because these books were initially fan fiction and will end on cliffhangers as often as possible!

Tune in next Thursday to find out what happens next! And Sunday for--I'm not sure what's running this Sunday yet. TUNE IN SUNDAY FOR A SURPRISE OF SOME SORT! As always, comments make this hurt less, and if you don't want to check the blog to see when we update you can also follow me on Twitter @SnappyErika!

Till next week my dear readers!


*HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ARETHA FRANKLIN WITH ME THIS SUMMER WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!
**One of these conversations happened right after I got engaged because there was a rapid turn-around on "Erika is scared of the concept of marriage" to "So I'm engaged now". The friend in question was one who I don't see often but am close to, making sure I wasn't doing it because I felt I was supposed to or anything. It led to the most stereotypical drunk "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND I LOVE YOU" conversations I have ever had and it was magical, warm fuzzy, and hilarious.

50 Shades Darker chapter 11 in which Erika contemplated curling up into a little ball.

Last chapter in 50 Shades Darker! Ana and Grey went sailing and had dinner! Ana finally got a tour of the full house! Grey moved all of Ana's shit into his room without forewarning! Then they played pool (full of "stroking" of cues) and Ana made a bet with Grey that if she won, he took her back to the play-room and if he won he got to name his terms. The chapter ended with Grey saying he was going to spank her on the pool table before taking a shot that would WIN OR LOSE THE GAME!

So, Grey wins the bet. Shocking, I know.

He stands, and his mouth twists in a triumphant I-so-own-you-Steele smile.

Because that's different than normal how..?


He doesn’t look like a CEO—he looks like a bad boy from the wrong side of town.

I haven't known many CEOs but I admit that most of the business dudes I DO know generally never look like they might rob me. This is not the first time Ana has commented on Grey looking like he's from "the wrong side of town" and I'm not sure if this is supposed to add to his "universal appeal" (he can rock the straight cut, preppy look or edgy bad-boy) or if it's more of the "good girls like bad boys" because his behavior is really more problematic than anything else and EL James wanted to, at least occasionally, give him an exterior to match?

“Well, let’s count your misdemeanors, Miss Steele.” He counts on his long fingers. “One, making me jealous of my own staff. Two, arguing with me about working. And three, waving your delectable derriere at me for the last twenty minutes.”

It's good that they can have conversations about their relationship hangup's without it being a big deal.


When he turns and gazes at me, his eyes are burning. I stand paralyzed like a complete zombie, my heart pounding, my blood pumping, not actually able to move a muscle. In my mind, all I can think is—this is for him—the thought repeating like a mantra over and over again.

Zombies can move. That's part of why they are a very serious security threat. I am offended that EL James would belittle it like this. Wait- Is Grey actually a necromancer?! Ana was all "I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU!" last chapter, Grey's response was to get annoyed at her for pushing herself to do things she isn't comfortable with. Her response? Push herself to do things she isn't comfortable with. :/

On his way over to me, he pauses at the small desk built into one of the bookshelves. Reaching over, he picks up a twelve-inch Perspex ruler. He holds each end and flexes it, his eyes not leaving mine.
Holy shit—his weapon of choice. My mouth goes dry.


Weapon of choice means preferred weapon, not the one you just happen to pick up. Given that none of the things in his play room were rulers, I would venture to guess that it is, in fact, not his weapon of choice.

Suddenly, I’m hot and bothered and damp in all the right places.

Which is way better than when Grey rolled a 1* on "seduction" and Ana shat herself.


Then he takes her shoes off like she's six and starts to undress her and Ana marvels at how much she loves him.

I step out of them, glad that I’m wearing these pretty, pretty panties

Every time I see "pretty pretty" I think of Pretty Pretty Princess

I'd comment on the gendered BS of this board game but I used to play with my brother and his friends.

“I want to be quite rough with you, Ana. You’ll have to tell me to stop if it’s too much,” he breathes.
Oh my. He kisses me . . . there. I moan softly.
“Safe word?” I murmur.
“No, no safe word, just tell me to stop, and I’ll stop. Understand?”
....
“We’re lovers, Anastasia. Lovers don’t need safe words.” He frowns. “Do they?”

I think this is an actual question, he isn't quite sure. Which makes me laugh. It's a sad sort of laughter, the type when your options are "laugh or cry" but laugh none the less. Considering this book is supposed to be so sex-positive I am saddened to see EL James painting BDSM as something loving couples can't do. It's only for the broken and dysfunctional, and in a book that's pretending to celebrate sexy and the kinky that's... hypocritical and makes me sad.

He leans over and picks up the cue.
Oh fuck, what’s he going to do with that? A frisson of fear runs through me.

No, I got my hopes up we might actually see something creative and kinky, but instead we just see him posing her as if he was doing a photo shoot for a calendar. YES UNDO YOUR SHIRT AND TRY AND SINK THAT BALL!

I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango. Taking a deep breath, I try to ignore him and line up my shot.

Seriously, where the hell does Ana's inner goddess get all these chaise lounges, flowers, and fitness equipment from?


his fingers fisting in my hair

Does fisting mean something else in the UK? Because this is a terrifying mental image if it doesn't.


He hits me again—and again . . . and once more . . . harder this time—and I wince.
“Stop.” The word is out of my mouth before I’m even aware that I’ve said it. Christian drops the ruler immediately and releases me.
“Enough?” he whispers.
“Yes.”
“I want to fuck you now,” he says, his voice strained.
“Yes,”

I want to underline this because much to my shock it shows Grey seeking consent. Ana says stop, and there is no hesitation. He doesn't just stop, he drops the ruler and lets go. He then asks if he can proceed with other activities (well, tells her he wants to, but it's an implied question) and I'm kind of shocked to see that in this book.

I hear the telltale rip of foil

What the hell brand of condoms are they using? Trojan Extra Noisy?


I hear his groan of pure pleasure, and it stirs my soul.

Yes, apparently the soul resides in the snatch. Debate and search over! Whew! Also I think soul-searching is about to get a lot more fun.

“Yes . . . I’m fine. Lose yourself . . . take me with you,” I murmur breathlessly.

LET THE SPIRIT QUEST BEGIN!


Oh fucking my . . .

I don't know why it has taken me so long to make this joke...

soul-grabbing orgasm that leaves me spent and exhausted.

Okay, so now we know the breed of dark wizard Grey is. Apparently he's a necromancer. Can't spell necromancer without romance!**

“You never fail, Ana. You are beautiful, bright, challenging, fun, sexy, and I thank divine providence every day that it was you that came to interview me and not Katherine Kavanagh.”

I actually think Kate and Grey might make an interesting read. There'd certainly be more ball punching. Also I'm getting tired of being told how awesome and special Ana is. I get it, okay? She's apparently George Takei after all.

“Tomorrow—when I go to work—can Sawyer just deliver me to the front door of the office then pick me up at the end of the day? Please, Christian. Please,” I plead.
His hands still as his brow creases. “I thought we agreed,” he grumbles.
“Please,” I beg.
“What about lunchtime?”
“I’ll make myself something to take from here so I don’t have to go out, please.”
He kisses my instep. “I find it very difficult to say no to you,” he mutters as if he senses this is a failing on his part. “You won’t go out?”
“No.”
“Okay.”

This is basically the entire scene. They're in the bath, he's rubbing her feet, it's a very gentle relaxed scene. Then Ana starts to beg to be allowed to go to work without adult supervision. Pleading, and has to sacrifice the ability to go outside for it.

I shower and dress quickly, wearing the clothes I set out yesterday: a fitted, gray pencil skirt; pale-gray silk shirt; and high-heeled black pumps

On rainy cold days I too like to dress in all gray. Really helps to tune into the misery around you.


She smiles and turns to make me tea.
Wow . . . this is so cool.

Wasn't Ana all uncomfortable about being waited on hand and foot before?

So Grey leaves and Ana chats with Mrs. Jones a little bit.

My cheeks pink with pleasure, and I want to bombard this woman with questions. She must know so much about Fifty, and although her manner is warm and friendly, it’s also very professional. I know I’ll only embarrass both of us if I start quizzing her, so I finish my breakfast in a reasonably comfortable silence

BUT GRILLING HIS FATHER AND SHRINK ARE FAIR GAME!


“Taylor, I’m sorry about yesterday and my inappropriate remarks. I hope I didn’t get you into trouble.”
Taylor frowns in bemusement at me from the rearview mirror as he pulls out into the Seattle traffic.
“Miss Steele, I’m rarely in trouble,” he says reassuringly.
Oh good. Maybe Christian didn’t tell him off. Just me, then, I think sourly.
“I’m glad to hear it, Taylor.” I smile

I appreciate this, actually. It shows Ana being compassionate and not awful, but Taylor's "I rarely get in trouble" doesn't sit well for me and I'm not sure why. So, off to work we go! Ana boots up her "e-mail program" and finds this gem.

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Boss
Date: June 13, 2011 08:24
To: Anastasia Steele
Good morning, Miss Steele
I just wanted to say thank you for a wonderful weekend in spite of all the drama.
I hope you never leave, ever.
And just to remind you that the news of SIP is embargoed for four weeks.
Delete this e-mail as soon as you’ve read it.
Yours
Christian Grey,
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. & Your boss’s boss’s boss.

So, this bothers me on a few levels. 1) why does she need to know this? 2) E-mail, even once deleted, on an internal server is likely still assessable. 3) He knows her e-mail is monitored and can send them to her phone.

Next up we get reminded that Ana has a super creepy boss!


“Good. As you probably remember, I’m going to that Commissioning Fiction Symposium in New York on Thursday. I have tickets and reservations, but I’d like you to come with me.”
“To New York?”
“Yes. We’ll need to go Wednesday and stay overnight. I think you’ll find it a very educational experience.” His eyes darken as he says this, but his smile is polite. “Would you make the necessary travel arrangements? And book an additional room at the hotel where I am staying? I think Sabrina, my previous PA, left all the details handy somewhere.”

Oh this is going to be hilarious and awful. I won't get into the angry e-mailing back and forth that ensues because there isn't a good way to do so without text-dumping on you, but here's the gist of it. Grey says no, Ana says fuck off this is my career. Grey says no more forcefully, and Ana tells him to fuck off again. So he changes how spending is approved within the company so Ana can't book a flight or hotel to go to the conference. A conference that could have been a very real opportunity to network for her. She also comments in his e-mail that "I hope you never ever leave" sounds like he's asking her to move in. His response is "Yes. Please."

...

I think my brain might be bleeding. Ana's first thought is that this is obscene, but we all know this will come back later, so I want to point it out. 5-weeks and he's bought the company she works for, started to isolate her from her friends, and is now going to start bullying her to move in with him. Elena also somehow magically got Ana's e-mail and once again is asking her to go out for lunch some time. Ana just forwards the e-mail to Grey.

Now onto lunch! Jack, being bogged down with a sudden increase in work because Ana isn't going to the convention with him (which makes very little sense to me since he had just asked her and it was in three days) and has to send her to go fetch his lunch. Being his personal assistant, this makes sense. So, off she goes. Breaking Grey's rule about never ever leaving the building alone. OH NO!

I sit and eat the chicken salad sandwich Mrs. Jones made for me. It’s delicious. She makes a mean sandwich.

Ana must be one of those people who loves all food, and it doesn't matter what you put in front of her. "A mean sandwich" is not chicken salad. AS A FOOD WIZARD THIS SENTENCE OFFENDS ME.

Of course, if I moved in with Christian, she would make lunch for me every weekday. The idea is unsettling. I have never had dreams of obscene wealth and all the trappings—only love. To find someone who loves me and doesn’t try to control my every move.

Says the girl who at the start of the first book had never been kissed or out on a date. Had she said "I always pictured myself leading a more modest life being married to my work..." because let's face it, editors are not well paid, I might understand, but this? This is downright unbelievable when we look at previous characterization. I'm also annoyed that that is all Ana ever wanted. No aspirations of family, or writing a book herself, or being an editor on the next great novel and being able to say "I had a hand in shaping that" or even a desire to travel and see the world. Nope! Just a boyfriend!

The phone rings, and Grey calls her out on leaving because he somehow knew she left the office for ten minutes to grab her boss lunch. Ana tells him to shove it. She has a backbone this chapter it seems.


“Suffocating?” he whispers, surprised.
“Yes. You have to stop this. I’ll talk to you this evening. Unfortunately, I have to work late because I can’t go to New York.”
“Anastasia, I don’t want to suffocate you,” he says quietly, appalled.
“Well, you are. I have work to do. I’ll talk to you later.” I hang up, feeling drained and vaguely depressed.

Ana then thinks about how he's so perfectly tragic and how she needs to show that she's his, but not going to sit at home waiting for him. Hnnnggghhh.

Ana finishes work late, where her boss hits on her and gets borderline touchy and I'm not going to copy-paste the scene because it struck close enough to home for me that I found it really uncomfortable to read. Ana tries to maneuver away from him and he keeps leaning in, brushing hair etc. It isn't until he starts asking about her boyfriend and she says his name that he backs off. Ana is pleased that Grey's name evokes such power, I'm depressed she had to use it to get this guy to back off. Grey will later tell Ana that Jack has a reputation, none of his personal assistants have lasted longer than 3 months and he slept with them all.

I want to say that this would be totally unreasonable. I want to say that HR would notice and Jack would be fired. However SIP is constantly referred to as a "small company" and in smaller environments the pressure on women to just shut up and deal with it can be much worse because things get personal. People talk, y'know?

Grey picks Ana up after work, and they finally get around to the elevator sex. Although Grey presses the "stop elevator" button, and... no one responds. If you hit the stop button, some service team will buzz in being all "Yo everything a'ight dawg?" but that doesn't happen. Grey also knows "the code to restart the elevator" and more and more I wonder what world this is set in. Then it's onto dinner and Ana and Grey, both wound down from fucking away their stress, have a SRS TALK.

I sigh, emboldened by my glass of wine. “You really have to let me fight my own battles. You can’t constantly second-guess me and try to protect me. It’s stifling, Christian. I’ll never flourish with your incessant interference. I need some freedom. I wouldn’t dream of meddling in your affairs.”
He blinks at me. “I only want you safe, Anastasia. If anything happened to you, I—” He stops.
“I know, and I understand why you feel so driven to protect me. And part of me loves it. I know that if I need you, you’ll be there, as I am for you. But if we are to have any hope of a future together, you have to trust me and trust my judgment. Yes, I’ll get it wrong sometimes—I’ll make mistakes, but I have to learn.”

Hi Ana's backbone! I missed you!

“And if you can do that—give me that—I’ll move in with you,” I add softly.
He inhales sharply, surprised. “You’d do that?” he whispers.
“Yes.”
“But you don’t know me.”

D-did Ana just use moving in with him as leverage for him to back off on her career? While setting no boundaries of what that would look like? How does "I will move in with you which will give me less freedom if you give me more freedom" make any sense?! YOU HAVE BEEN DATING 5-WEEKS! Also, Grey isn't commenting on the 5-weeks thing, but on that she doesn't know how dark and fucked up and awful he is. I think both are fair points to make. Ana also comments throughout this chapter that she'd like to run away to get some space and think (You know, like she did when she went to Georgia and he followed her there) but there's always another dose of Grey and his magic-peen to distract her. I'm shocked and frankly started at the utter lack of responsibility on Ana's part here. Also did EL James just... forget, that Ana was supposed to live with Kate and her brother? Will Kate and her brother ever be plot relevant again? Probably not!

And so ends our chapter- except for Taylor bursting in to say that Elena is on her way up. dun Dun DUN!!!! Tune in next week to see if I start drinking through these posts again!


*For those of you who are not table top nerds, to use skills you often have to roll a 20 sided die. Rolling a 20 is just auto-win, and a 1 is auto fail.
**Line stolen from editor number 2 (Aka Mad Scientist Alex).