Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Okay, fine, I'll try harder.
An older man into BDSM* hooks up with a young, wide-eyed, innocent, and barely legal girl. There's a lot of painful "Dark Knight" imagery and unintentionally hilarious/horrifying sex scenes where two apparently mature adults fail at communication on every single fucking level. Also there's something about an Evil Ex?
Christian Grey - The epitome of male perfection, the text will tell you over and over and over and over again. Except that he has a Dark! Tragic! Past! He's into BDSM because he hooked up with an older woman who got him into it! And by "hooked up with an older woman" I mean "was molested as a child" but the character never frames it this way. When the narrator does she's made to seem jealous and irrational. He's a pushy d-bag who throws money around and isn't so good at this whole "treating people like people" thing. He's controlling, over bearing, ignores people's boundaries, and just generally a despicable jackwagon** and stalker.
Anastasia Rose Steele - Yes, that is really her name. No, seriously, that is her name. She's a jealous, irrational, overly emotional "good girl" who's only hobbies include reading and eating paste. Oh, and she's the POV character. Oh! And it seems EVERY SINGLE DUDE she meets wants to date/bone/marry her for some reason. She is also one of the only female brunettes in the cast.
Kate - Ana's mandatory over-protective way more attractive female friend. She's supposed to be savvy and awesome and no-nonsense but I get more "selfish shrieking harpy" from her myself. I mean, she lets some dude who was border line stalking her innocent BFF take her home from the bar when said innocent BFF is passed out drunk because she was into his brother. And he didn't take Ana home like he said he would, he took her to his hotel, and Kate didn't call the cops/blow up Ana's phone with frantic "DID HE KIDNAP YOU?" texts/calls.
Elliot Grey - Christain's brother. He's, uh, there? Looks nothing like his brother (because Chris is adopted) and is meant to be a foil for him by being cheerful, friendly, fun, warm, and affectionate to people. YES CLEARLY THE DUDE HE IS MEANT TO BE A FOIL TO IS THE ONE I SHOULD WANT TO BONE NOT THE ALSO GORGEOUS FUN ONE!
Jose Rodriguez - The mandatory "other love interest" who if I had to sum him up based on the treatment the text gives him in one word - Brown. Seriously, they underscore it at every chance, and never in a way that is productive and not awful. He's basically Jacob from Twilight, but with none of the bits that make him interesting or likeable. No, really, he basically tried to date-rape Ana very early on before just... vanishing from the text until he is needed to give Grey a reason to be mad/jealous.
Ana's Mom - I seriously can't remember the woman's name, they use it... twice? Maybe? She's flighty and flaky and on her third or fourth marriage. When we see her she talks entirely in cliches and it hurts. Not fun hurting, either.
Grey's Mom - Also can't remember her name, but that might be because I can't be bothered to. She's a doctor, and naturally perfect in every way.
Grey's Dad - See above. Not sure if he's a doctor, however.
Mia Grey - Grey's little sister. Meant to be Ana's TRUE BFF I imagine because she is thus far the only other brunette in the entire cast. She's a manic pixie dream girl.
Ray - Ana's Mother's second husband (I think second? So many to keep track of.) who's kind of like a Dad to her. He has no personality to speak of. He, uh, fishes, and hunts and sports? Seriously the man doesn't talk. He's just... there.
Mrs. Robinson - She has a real name, but again, it comes up once. Ellena, or something like that? She's the antagonist (I think? We haven't actually met her yet) of the story. Grey's ex-Dom/his first girlfriend/the older woman who molested him as a child who's now a business associate.
There might be other characters but they're all so mundane and seemingly unimportant that after a month I really can't remember anything about them.
Right, tune in next Thursday for chapter 1 of 50 Shades
Something not-50 Shades will be up come Tuesday, for those of you interested in the other things I write. Till next time!
*I use the term with great apprehension, as what he's into is more "being a dick" than "BDSM" in my books.
**I kind of want "Despicable Jack-Wagon" on a t-shirt.