50 shades of Grey chapter 9, in which there is more banging.

I'm feeling better about these after last chapter. So much so that I'm at least starting this chapter off sober! Wish me luck! Also, again, sexing in this chapter, not totally SFW. I think that's just something that should be assumed from here on out, and they're still “training”.

So our chapter opens with Ana waking up next to Grey and gawking at his beauty for a few paragraphs before stealing his shirt and slipping off to pee. In her wanderings she gets lost in Grey's massive apartment because it's sooo big. I want to know why he's in an apartment and not a mansion on the outskirts of town or something, or if James has ever really been inside of condos. Yeah they can be massive, but how big is this freaking building?

Kate! Oh no. I didn’t think about her all evening. I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble.

If she couldn't be bothered to text you when you didn't come home when he was supposed to give you a lift, or to text you HERSELF to check in when she didn't hear from you, then I don't think she gets to put anyone in the corner.

Do I look different? I feel dif­ferent. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles - jeez it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. You don’t do any exercise in your life, my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.

I think I have enough in-text evidence to build a pretty solid case to the answer being “Oh hell yes” to that question. Also Ana has been described as super duper skinny, so the fact that we're having “she's super inactive” being thrown at us annoys me. Also, Ana, your subconscious is a judgmental bitch. Just gonna throw that out there. 

I am going to have to process all this. Honestly, fancy falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain waiting for me. I shudder. I’m bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual wayward self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me.

WE GET IT HE'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD! Less talking and more hilarious fucking! Ana then wanders off to find her phone. There are three texts from Kate! OH NO! No missed calls, mind you. The loaded Kate couldn't use any minutes on her phone to CALL Ana, just text.

*RU OK Ana*

*Where RU Ana*

*Damn it Ana*

Let's take a moment to revel in these. Kate is a journalist, who has been working as the editor on the school paper, and who's parents are loaded and spoil her rotten. I struggle to think that she doesn't have a phone with a touch screen keyboard, or just a qrty sliding keyboard on it. I also struggle to believe that any self respecting editor of any sort would ever type “RU” as to “are you” or even “r U”.

I call Kate. When she doesn’t answer, I leave her a groveling message to tell her I am alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard, well not in the sense she would be worried about – or perhaps I have.

Blue Beard, for those of you wondering, is the upbeat charming folk tale of a man who kept getting married and had a strange quirk. Whenever he left he asked his wife to carry an egg with her. This was so when she found the mutilated body of the previous wife she'd drop it and he'd know it was time to get to horribly murdering his new wife. IF YOU ARE COMPARING YOUR POTENTIAL NEW BOYFRIEND TO A FICTIONAL SERIAL KILLER YOU SHOULD BE THINKING HARDER! Ana admits that she's confused and muddled and overwhelmed – which is totally fair – before deciding that sorting out her thoughts and feelings aren't that important and then goes about searching for hair ties and making breakfast.

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pig­tails. Yes! The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

I think we've established that he likes you young and girly, Ana. So she dances around his HUGE FANCY kitchen as she makes breakfast rocking out to her iPod while he's still sleeping. She's thinking at the right level of not too deep (or so she tells us) but deep enough and getting bonery over the memory of the night before.

Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere and now… I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself. Why is he this way? Nature or Nurture? It’s so alien to anything I know.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE IN LOVE BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH SO DIFFERENT AND NEITHER REALLY FIT IN BUT IT'S OKAY THEY'LL UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!!! Also I mentioned being annoyed when authors song-drop to tie in feelings of the characters, and this is a very good example of it. It's just so... Well, fan-fiction-y. Also, Ana, you were a bookish shy girl, that's... Not really a misfit. That's... Being bookish and quiet. Being a misfit means you got taunted because you were unrelentingly yourself, even though that got you taunted and teased. You may have been invisible, but you got to fly under the radar. That girl no one really noticed, but you didn't have to worry about the jocks taunting you mercilessly and the Pretty Popular Mean girls picking on you for ANYTHING because your inability to conform freaked them right the hell out. *seeth* Grey turns up and taunts Ana a little for her dancing (fair but boring. The world needs more spontaneous dance parties.) and offers to put some music on so she can continue. She gets all blushy again. Ana, HE HAS BEEN INSIDE OF YOU. You can relax and calm down now.

He gently pulls my pigtail.

“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard…

Told you so. Also Blue Beard's whole character is he's a charming serial killer. Again, if THAT is the connection you're drawing, hard boil the egg and freaking book it. We then get some in depth “this happens and this happens and then more of this” for Ana and Grey cooking/setting the table for the cozy breakfast they're about to have. It's described in more detail then there is any good reason for and is incredibly tedious. I'm waiting for him to take the maple syrup and starts drizzling it on her body and ends up giving her a horrible yeast infection.

“No. I wondered if we should continue your basic training.”

“Oh.” I stare at him dumbfounded as I stop breathing and everything inside me clench­es tight. Ooh… that’s so nice. I suppress my groan.

I like it when I get lady boners, awww yeah. Also, again, basic training. I'm picturing this going down as “Okay, so, here's a penis. You touch it. And then, you touch it again. KEEP TOUCHING IT. Now lick it.”

“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”

And then, THE ORAL SEX!

“What is it with you and food?” I blurt. His brow knits.

“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.

BECAUSE HE HAS A DARK HISTORY OF BEING BUT A POOR STARVING CHILD WHICH IS WHY HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL TO BECOME A RICH BASTARD! He is HURT and ANGSTY. Which makes him dark and interesting, I guess? Kate calls and is all “SO ARE YOU OKAY WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT DID YOU BONE WAS HE GENTLE?” and Ana is realizing that she signed a NDA and CAN'T talk about it which she realizes will be a problem. Ana is all “So can I not talk AT ALL about the fucking? Because Kate is going to ask and I... Have questions. Yes, questions. That's it.” And Grey is all “Dude she's boning my brother I'd really rather she not know and no, he doesn't know about the “red room of pain” it's about PLEASURE damn it!”. Then they're off to take a bath! Not sure if I'm hoping he busts out a rubber duckey vibrator or not.

He pours some expensive looking bath oil into the water. It foams as the bath fills and smells of sweet sultry Jasmine.

Jasmine isn't something I'd off offhandedly refer to as particularly sweet OR sultry. Flowery, maybe?

He is just yummy. My subcon­scious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head. I take his hand, and he bids me to step into the bath while I am still wearing his shirt. I do as I’m told. I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to take him up on his outrageous offer… if!

That's right, her subconscious is swooning over his abs while he throws her in the tub, still in his shirt. Her subconscious who has openly berated her for jumping on his magical unicorn boner* is now swooning over abs. I think the only character I dislike more then Grey might be Ana's subconscious. Back to Grey heaving Ana over his shoulder and pile driving her into the tub still wearing his shirt, which is white and we've established she isn't wearing a bra, so... Yeah.

“I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?”

The real key to turning men on isn't head butting like Chip Zdarsky** told me?! I feel betrayed! Who knew. Lip biting. Got it.

“Anasta­sia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you.”

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND SPECIAL AND I AM GOING TO STICK ALL SORTS OF THINGS INSIDE YOU SO STOP BEING BASHFUL OKAY? Oh my GOD. EL James has the most awkward dirty talk fantasies EVER. I get it, we're supposed to be all "zomg he's sooo nice!" but honestly, he sounds stiff and awkward to me. It's probably for the best he's trying to coax her out of bashfulness now. There will be no time for it once he pulls out the egg beater.

I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked.

Yes, Ana, people are usually naked when they're in the bath.

He moves down my arms, then under them to my underarms washing gently. I’m so glad Kate insisted I shave.

Later on he's going to be smelling her armpits. Also, bets on orgasms this chapter? I'm going with 2 this time. Well, 2 for Ana. One from being fondled and then another from the oral sexing.

His hands glide across to my breasts, and I inhale sharply as his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners.

He actually pistol whips her left nipple before shooting it.

It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought.

I thought her subconscious had passed out from all the blood rushing to her genitals? I get what I refer to as “brain boners”. They are totally asexual in nature, it's just the best way I can describe how I feel when someone says or does something incredibly witty/clever/smart. It's an intellectual platonic attraction. I don't think you want him to be having brain boners right now Ana. Because if he did you wouldn't be getting molested in the bath, you'd both be sitting in a coffee shop, heads bowed together, conspiratorially whispering about what ever clever schemes you've got going. It's an awesome time, sure, I enjoy me some brain boners, but that isn't what you want and we both know it. You want him to bend you over the sinks and spank you with a loofah.

“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear and very gently grazes my earlobe with his teeth. “Feel it for me.”

And later smell this milk, smell it for me baby, and tell me if it's gone bad.

“Turn around. I need washing, too,” he murmurs.

Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.

Great! Now you're already halfway there! Just lower your mouth and-

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ana, this is Steve, Steve, this is Ana! I hope you'll both become very good friends! Also there goes that hope for Grey having a detachable penis.

It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips.

And soon it will grow so big that Steve will poke her in the eye. Seriously how massive is Grey's wang supposed to be?

He wants me to touch him. Hmm… okay, bring it on.

She then puts on war paint before grabbing the soap.

“Like this,” he whispers, and he moves his hand up and down with a firm grip round my fingers, and my fingers tighten around him. He closes his eyes again, and his breath hitches in his throat. When he opens them again, his gaze is scorching molten gray. “That’s right, baby.”

Step one: You touch it. Then you touch it some more. Didn't we go over this earlier?

Fuck my mouth… hmm. I remember him pushing his thumb in my mouth and asking me to suck, hard. His mouth drops open slightly as his breathing increases. I lean forward, while he has his eyes closed, and place my lips around him and tentatively suck, running my tongue over the tip.

Step two: Lick it. Also I earnestly hope in the movie they have a flash back mid-banging to the night before of him banging her. 

Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth.

Like a snickers bar!***

Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth.

Other places you can fuck him with – your there, your ass, your hands, your tits, and, if he's really talented, maybe a nostril?

He reaches up and grabs my pigtails and starts to really move.

Of course he does.

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

Other flavours include Jose, Elliot, and black dude with dreads from chapter 1!

My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

This is her thought mid-beej. Busting out some moves. This seems dangerous to me. If you start dancing mid-beej you run the risk of biting. No one wants to be chomped on.

“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you don’t want me to, stop now.”

Are you guys ready for Ana's first protein shot?!

He cries out and stills, and I can feel warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat. I swallow quickly. Ugh… I’m not sure about this. But one look at him, and he’s come apart in the bath because of me, and I don’t care. I sit back and watch him, a triumphant, gloating smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

Hey, first time she's gotten a guy off (not sexing), that's worth a little pride. Baby's first blow job!

“Have you done that before?”

“No.” And I can’t help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

Wait, so Ana has never had a guy “do” it for her before, but she's given a beej before? Huh?

“Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Orgasm! Another one!

You still haven't gotten one this chapter Ana, don't act so shocked.

My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly. His erection tamed, but still substantial…

Really? He's just about ready to go again THAT fast? Damn. Also has anyone ever ACTUALLY drooled because they were turned on? I mean sure people drool, and I'm sure they could be drooling AND be turned on, but I've yet to see a set of abs so glorious that it causes me to loose control of my saliva glands. 

He wraps me in the towel, pulls me into his arms, and kisses me hard, pushing his tongue into my mouth.

I would have pegged him as the type to want her to brush her teeth first.

“Say yes,” he whispers fervently.

I frown, not understanding.

“To what?”

“Yes to our arrangement. To being mine. Please, Ana,” he whispers, emphasizing the last word and my name, pleading.

Things that you usually don't discuss when dangling orgasm over your partners head – your future.

“Trust me?” he asks suddenly. I nod, wide-eyed with the sudden realization that I do trust him. What’s he going to do to me now?

COME ON EGG BEATER!!!

He steps away into his closet and comes back with a silver-grey silk woven tie.

Does the man own anything that is color? Honestly. Just a splash dude. How about red? Red is masculine, right? So he makes her put on the tie and pretend to be his Dad and say that she loves him and is proud of him and- Just kidding. He ties her up. 

He runs his fingers down my pigtails.

“You look so young with these,”

Again, TOLD YOU. Seriously though, she's... 21? I think? Looking young for her is looking not-legal. And he's into that.

“Keep your hands up here, don’t move them, understand?” His eyes burn into mine, and I’m breathless from their intensity. This is not a man I want to cross… ever.

“Answer me,” he demands, his voice soft.

“I won’t move my hands.” I’m breathless.

“Good girl,”

Please tell me I have a reader into BDSM who can tell me if this is as strange as I think it is. If you're going to tie her up, tie her up. Don't just bind her hands and go “now don't move!” when not tethering her to anything! That said, the whole purpose is teaching her to control herself so she'll be good at laying there and taking it for him. THAT IS NOT SEXY THAT IS BORING. 

“Don’t move your hands, or we just have to start all over again,” he scolds me mildly. Oh, he’s such a tease.

She moved her hands, her punishment for moving her hands will be more drawn out foreplay. Oh, the horrors. 

He glides his tongue up my instep – and I can no longer watch him. It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust.

I would pay so much to read that autopsy report. “Cause of death – sexy explosion”.

And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there! I know it. And part of me is glorying in the anticipation. He turns to my other knee and kisses his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently. I writhe… oh my.

It's no longer “there” now it's her sex. Though I would have guessed that was female. I think I wouldn't pass Grey's sex training. Largely from the uncontrollable peals of laughter.

“Tit for tat is not my usual style, Miss Steele,” he whispers as he gently blows up and down me. “But you’ve pleased me today, and you should be rewarded.”

“Usually I'll just leave you blue-balled with a vibrator to take care of yourself once I'm done.”

I’m losing all sense of self, every atom of my being concentrating hard on that small, potent powerhouse at the apex of my thighs.

She is under going physical changes through sexy times with Grey. He is actually training her to be his apprentice in his dark arts to his Lord Satan.

It is too much… My body begs for relief, and I can no longer deny it. I let go, losing all cogent thought as my orgasm seizes me, wringing my insides again and again. Holy fuck. I cry out, and the world dips and disappears from view as the force of my climax renders everything null and void.

ORGASM NUMBER ONE! Also how is the world “dipping” when you're on your back? Grey grabs a condom and then starts banging her pretty much the second she climaxes. Didn't he say he wasn't going to do that today because he made her too sore?

“Come for me, baby.” His voice is harsh, hard, raw at my ear, and I explode around him as he pounds rapidly into me.

ORGASM NUMBER TWO! Also if she's sore and chafed, even if she's enjoying this now, ow. This is going to hurt tomorrow.

I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh… what to do?

If you DO take it further he'll teach you how to summon your own fire sprites!

“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.”

“Like Canada!”.

Before Ana can answer him with “YES TEACH ME THE WAYS OF YOUR DARK LORD SATAN!” there are VOICES outside!

“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.”

“Mrs. Grey, please.”

“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.”

“Mrs. Grey, he’s not alone.”

“What do you mean he’s not alone?”

“He has someone with him.”

“ Oh… ” Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

“Shit! It’s my mother.”

OH NO BUSTED! Wait, you're nearly 30. Mamas boy? Mama's boy. Normally I would expect her to hate Ana because she's defiling her baby boy and because drama, but this is Twilight fan-fiction. Which means the Mother is sweet and gentle and wonderful and perfect so she will naturally see the good in Ana from the second she lays eyes on her like any good Mother does! That brings us to the end of this chapter! Stay tuned for professions of love and whips and chains! Also I feel I should be keeping track of how many of these chapters end with Grey swearing, as it's almost a theme now. 

As always, comments and spreading this blog around are much loved as knowing this is getting read and enjoyed makes the suffering through this awful awful book worth it. Till next week!

*Credit to Pope_Suburban for the phrase 
 ** NSFW ish 
*** Sorry if I just ruined snickers for you. 

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 8, in which they finally start banging.

Alright, so, warning, this is the chapter that they get to the boning, and while I'm not posting anything TOO explicit, I'm putting a NSFW warning here. I mean, I talk about blow jobs and fisting and tickling prostates with egg beaters, so I imagine this blog isn't very SFW to start with, but this chapter has the actual fucking, so, yeah. NSFW. Plus, when you're laughing as hard as I am as I wrote this (or I hope you are. I'm a little drunk, so that could be making me think I'm extra hilarious.) and someone asks you what on EARTH you keep giggling at, you might not want to explain to your cubicle mate that you're reading something making fun of porn. It'll be awkward, so, you've been warned. Continue at your own risk, and delight. Grab a drink kids, this one's going to be fun!

So Grey is freaking out that Ana is a virgin and he didn't know, because he now must sacrifice her to his Dark Lord Satan. Or the in text reason is because “Oh fuck I just showed a virgin my freaky sex room” which was notably missing a sex swing. If you're going to have a kinky sex room wouldn't you have a swing? And maybe a stripper pole? Come on now. So Grey calms down and once again offers Ana an out and she's all “Nah I'm good”. Grey asks some normal questions “Is there any special reason you've never been boned?” We get a confirmation that he actually wasn't her first kiss. She was kissed twice before, though I'm not sure by who. Is she counting Jose?

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”

“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.

“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”

“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.

“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you re­ally need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense.

That's right, being a virgin is a situation. Still, Grey's not being a total dick hole here. He says he'll hold off on all the rigid rules and craziness and ease her into it so she can decide what she's going into because hot DAMN does he want a piece of her pasty mousy ass (hey, she calls herself mousy first!). He also keeps reiterating “I'm not going to push it do what you feel comfortable with.” which I'm going to assume is part of his black magic powers. The real reason he wants to bang her – NOW – is so he doesn't have to tie her to the cross in her dungeon to sacrifice her to his Dark Lord. So she consents after some lip nibbling to go to bed with him and they wander across the giant apartment to his bedroom. And then we get into the sex scene. I'm torn on how to handle this, do I put up the whole kit-and-caboodle and make this post totally NSFW? Do I just put excerpts to give you guys a feeling for it? No, I'm going to post single out of context lines. Why? Because it's funnier this way, and I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy this time around.

“Ah,” I groan.

Because you need to verify that “ah” is what you're groaning.

He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.

Because James' editors refused to let her use the word “peepee”.

“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress.

His room IS decorated with aquatic themes, so maybe he just really enjoys him some fish? Also, I dunno about you, but I don't usually have the presence of mind to be all “Okay, blanket, floor” unless I'm tripping over it.

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.

I get that this is the tender love making scene, but “can't wait to be inside you”? Couldn't go for “I can't wait to fuck you so hard you won't be able to form a full sentence for a week”?

“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”

I shake my head.

“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

Are you ready for Ana's first orgasm?! Because I sure am! BRING ON THE ORAL SEX!

Oh… I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him.

“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”

IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR TRAINING! Hey, he did say he'd “train” her earlier. Also, again with the baby. It seems... Wrong, from him. That said, I've always found “baby” or “babe” a weird and creepy term of endearment, as there is something totally unsexy about being a baby to me. It does play into him not wanting a woman but a girl he can control and play dress up with. Also, dude, don't you... You know, WANT her to move? No one wants to bang a dead fish unless- Oh God.

...and my nipples harden under his steady gaze....

... “Very nice,” he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more....

...and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.

This is all within a paragraph and a half. Nipples really can only get so hard. I'm sorry, James, but nipples can't cut glass. Do we need to sit down and have the talk many fan fiction writers need about how sex and anatomy actually work?

Wait, wait, time for Ana's first orgasm! Are you guys excited? I'm excited.

“Oh… please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me?

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces. He kisses me, deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries.

Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and awe on mine.

High-five Ana! Now you're a woman! Although she just had her first orgasm just from him playing with her nipples. I know that's actually a thing that can happen. There ARE women out there, but they are far and few between. So, bets on how many times Ana is going to orgasm this sack session? I'm going to guess three.

“You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that, and it’s going to be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again.

Wait, isn't being super responsive a GOOD thing? Or is he afraid that she'll be raw and sore too quickly? :/

His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez.

Jeez?! That is your response to pending finger banging when you're still positively dripping? When you were begging for it moments ago?

“You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more.

Vagina is there but clitoris, that's fine.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.”

And you wanted to give Kate the safe sex talk? I don't think you're qualified for that, Ana.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

No, Grey, you're supposed to be gentle with the first thrust, and THEN you build up to the rough thrusting. This? This would just hurt like a bitch, even with some rough finger blasting first.

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

I just want to take a moment to revel in this for a moment. “Rips through my virginity”. I'm not the only one who burst out laughing at this, right? Please tell me I'm not alone on this one. Again, sounds less sexy, more hilariously uncomfortable. She totally just yelled “argh” during, too. Awesome.

I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me.

Want to know what would have let you acclimatize better Ana? Had he gone in slowly to start with and built up speed, rather then BAM and NOW we go sloooowly in and out, him double checking between each thrust. Don't get me wrong, no issue with a quick entrance here, but she IS a virgin, and, ow. I remember my first time. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is about as much as I was able to handle at that point because while it wasn't a ZOMG OW (because he was, you know, gentle because HEY I WAS A VIRGIN! Funny that.) and then about twenty minutes after that we went again to much better results. Go team? Anyways, I always see “feeling full” being used to describe a good dicking, but, I'm not the only one who's never ever wanted to use that phrase to describe their sexual encounters, right? "Full" sounds uncomfortable.I think of being bloated from eating too much.

He moves slowly at first, easing himself in and out of me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his.

WHY DID YOU NOT START WITH THAT?!?! You want to “train” her then this is the way to start, not “okay, on three...” So we get some more generic they fucking and then time for Ana's second orgasm!

I start to stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my… I didn’t know it would feel like this… didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only sensation... only him... only me… oh please… I stiffen.

“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me.

BUT YOU ALREADY SHATTERED WHICH MEANS HE'S JUST EJACULATING ONTO A PILE OF BITS! Man, I feel so sorry for his cleaning lady. Then again, he DOES have a dungeon, so... I guess this isn't much new for her. Okay, so, two orgasms. I was off.

“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.

“You are asking me if you hurt me?”

“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically. “Seriously, are you okay?” His eyes are intense, probing, demanding even.

...

Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. I had no idea what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable.

I take back everything mean I've said about this book so far. This shit is HILARIOUS. I will never be able to look at laundry the same again. I don't think you guys even need me here this chapter. Okay, they're at it again, this time from behind!

I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.

Pinioned. Hee.

“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, his words heady, seductive.

Otherwise you're going on the cross in the dungeon and I'm sacrificing you to Satan after all! Doesn't matter that she hasn't checked the "I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions" box yet, she's his! His you hear me?!

“You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear.

You said that already.

The effect is mind-blowing – all my energy concentrating on this one small space inside my body. I moan.

“You like this?”

“No, I'm just over here a dripping writhing mass because it's only alright.”

“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers.

Weren't you just saying you were going to break her of being so responsive earlier? I mean, this makes way more sense to me, but, huh?

“Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly.

“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.”

Okay, I'm not the only one who thinks the phrase “Suck me, baby” belongs on a t-shit, am I? Also I'm not the only one who thinks that calling someone baby while asking them to suck a thumb adds an extra layer of creepy to the pet-name “Baby”, right?

His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly.

She's giving him the crazy eye as she sucks his thumb.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.

She has learned what she tastes like before he has. Bad Grey. Also, remember what I said about Kate was being established by things Ana said, but it didn't match with what she did? Because telling me something is erotic does not make it so.

Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair tighter, painfully, so I release him.

“Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. “Stay still, don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair.

Hooray mouth fucking! She's also biting his thumb, not his dick, though it does have some concerning parallels for Grey at the moment. I'm also a little confused by the “Naughty, sweet girl,” line. It may be the vodka, but again, nothing Ana has done reads as “sweet” to me. She hasn't even giving him a super enthusiastic beej yet! Also I get bondage is immobilizing, but that's usually less about “I don't want you to move” and “I want you to be frustrated with your inability to move” which are kinda different, because you're still going to move. It has also occurred to me that Ana has done a lot of laying there and taking it.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Dude, her hymen was somehow magically still intact (I'm assuming it's fairly common knowledge that most girls pop theirs doing sports (or gym class) or using tampons before they actually have sex. Though he would have popped it when he finger blasted her during foreplay...) she's going to be sore. You also just took her virginity. Even if it was awesome, she's gonna be sore. Trust.

“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.”

I moan.

“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls.

HOW? IS? SHE? SWEET?! This. Is. Really. Starting. To. Bug. Me. Readers, help me out here. Alright, time for orgasm number 3! CALLED THE NUMBER!

His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair.

Because everyone always achieves simultaneous orgasm, amIrite? Ana then just passes right the fuck out, exhausted from her big day of boneing. I'm sad now, because now the banging is over which means that they'll be talking again. Booo.

Ana wakes up, in Grey's bed (I think? I don't think he moves her...) which is a No-No but it's not the first time. He's not there, though. He's playing the piano. And, oh, this is almost as good as the fucking.

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the en­trance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest of the large room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouch­able… lonely, in a bubble.

He has just boned the object of his obsession for... However long this book has been, (there was a time jump with exams) few weeks (?) and now he is sitting, sadly playing the piano. Naked. Naked. If he's someone who just prefers to me naked, hey, good on him, I also have a strong aversion to pants, but I don't think Grey IS a nudist. So Ana pads over, wrapped in nothing but the blanket,

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants.

Boooo.

“I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the dark­ness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing.

He walks her back to bed, but his bed, not the special bedroom that she gets to decorate however she wants later.

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evi­dence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.

“Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as he stands in front of me.

Do you clean your own dungeon, then? Also gross. Do you not own another set of sheets?

I realize that I’ve not seen his naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of dark hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach.

... I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on.

He also left his shirt on until he was fucking her from behind during, so he's got some hang up about being shirtless, despite the fact that we've seen him wandering around shirtless on several occasions. I think this is a carry over from when it was still fan fiction and he was still a vampire, but it's a bit strange. I get that we're supposed to notice it though, so, yeah. There's no mention of scars so I'm going to rule out surgery he's had in the past (though being scarred from that sort of thing would make him way more interesting to me personally.).

“Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood.

DO YOU NOT OWN OTHER SHEETS GREY?!

“Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a re­sidual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side.

Really?! I didn't get that from your narrative bashing me over the head with him playing sad music and being in his sad naked bubble (that was not naked at all you tease). Or the fact that the book is titled "50 Shades of Grey" to imply that he's SO DEEP!

And that brings us to the end of chapter eight. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did! Please, share your thoughts in the comments, they give me a happy.