Dear Nice Guys: Please shut up already.

You might be confused by the title, so before I start, this is what's prompting this post. For those of you who don't feel like reading the link, the gist is a bunch of "oh poor nice guys I still love you! Doormats". I feel I am qualified to talk about this topic, largely because most of my friends are male, and while I would describe many of them as nice, I wouldn't use the term "nice guy" because that describes the type of door mat this writer is talking about. I've also been on the receiving end of the "Nice Guy" treatment.

So, nice guys, wanna know why you don't get the girl?

Well, for starters, you're a doormat. You already give her everything she wants. You tell her she's pretty, put up with her high maintenance irrationality and offer a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. You're there with a cheesy movie, a hug, and ice cream when she's had a bad day, you're basically the perfect boyfriend, without her having to give anything up. She can still go out, be wild, have the thrill of flirting with randoms and still have someone safe and stable waiting for her at the end of the day. I'm not saying leave your lady friends high and dry, but how many times have you not gone after other women because of said lady friends? Funny how they're around a lot more when suddenly YOU'RE the one with a romantic interest, isn't it? If she's pulling that kind of shit, she just wants you on the back burner, sorry Mr. Nice-Guy.

Now, maybe this female friend of yours isn't a soul sucking harpy and actually just wants to be friends, well, why won't SHE date you? First off, she sees you as  FRIEND. Not to say a girl can't fall for or date a friend, but, she might be more hesitant to. Although, I'm going to rat out my gender, the line "I don't want to ruin the friendship!" is often a lie. She's got other reasons, but she doesn't want to crush you, and that seems like a much kinder way out. What are these other reasons? You've probably been over eager, for starters. She asks you to hang out, you ditch your other friends, she's had a bad day, and instead of listening on msn, you turn up with movies and ice cream, you're probably WAAAY to quick to offer a back rub, and are always trying to cuddle her. Now, even not bitches might cave and just go along with it, because it's kinda nice (sometimes) (or they just don't quite realize what's going on until it's far, far too late), but the over eagerness has killed any potential lady boner they could have gotten. I'm not saying play it cold, man, I'm saying don't ditch your buddies and maybe be a bit more reserved in the touching, for starters, at least.

Let's be honest, if it wasn't her, it'd be another girl. You've always got a crush on one of your female friends, and your tactic is to become their best friend and confidant, gain their trust, and then they will see that clearly they are in love with you, right? Sorry, dude, but it hasn't worked yet, maybe you should try asking her out in the early phases, before she starts seeing you as her best friend and suddenly feels betrayed because she realizes you've had this huge ulterior motive the whole time you've been a good friend to her.

Also, it makes you what I like to call a Leg Humper. You do this with ALL of your female friends at some point, right? Why the hell should I take you seriously? Am I just another girl in the parade of women you'll decide you're in love with? And, know what, I've watched you, Mr. Nice-Guy, cycle through a BUNCH of crushes, you always make your move by backing her into a corner, or making it some intense declaration. Shit's terrifying, dude. And if a girl ever actually shows interest in YOU, she's not your type. I think you just want to have something to angst over, and hey, if that's your call, but please, I beg you, shut the hell up. If I listen to you sigh, smile bravely and say "I guess it's because I'm a Nice-Guy. Nice-guys finish last, right?" I will punch you square in the dick.