SHUT UP YOUR THIGHS ARE FINE

"Augh, I need to get back into my work outs, I look like a friggin' balloon!" said my friend who is, if memory serves, a size 4, as a few of us hung out at my place for drinks one night. I looked her over. Her body was, as far as I could tell, perfectly toned, and the only reason she had gotten "out" of her workouts was because of an injury. The men in the room rolled their eyes. This wasn't an uncommon thing to come out of her mouth, but no one wanted to be the one to fight with her to say that she was gorgeous, and even if she wasn't, it shouldn't matter again. God knows I had tried enough times.

Still, it pained me to listen to someone I love hate on their body like that, and I had an idea, one that took some balls. "Look at me," I ordered, leaning back on the armrest of the couch, facing her so she could get a full view of my figure. "I think we can all agree that I am a motherfucking babe," I said, gesturing to my body with one hand before flipping my hair over my shoulder dramatically.

They laughed, because women are taught at a young age that we will never be pretty enough, and so a woman bluntly declaring herself attractive is always seen as a shocking (as well as vain and arrogant) thing. Still, I was among friends, I figured I was allowed to be a little bit vain and arrogant. Besides, I've never been shy that I am bold enough to actually like my body (mostly), even if I'm not supposed to. "You are," she agreed smiling.

"Now look at you," I said, gesturing to her. Her smile faded a little as she began to compare her slender curves to my dramatic ones, "You're saying you're fat and ugly and flabby, but you're way smaller and more toned than I am," I yanked my shirt up to grab my stomach and wiggle it at her, demonstrating the difference. I waited to see if she was with me. She seemed to be, so I went on. "So when you say you're fat, what the hell does that say about me?"

Her brother, who was on the other side of her cheered me on. I suspect he had tried to talk her into better self-esteem more than I had. She looked horrified. "No! That isn't what I--but you're gorgeous!" she gushed.

"Damn straight," I said without missing a beat, "we just went over this. Motherfucking babe--and you are, too. Besides," I flopped off of the armrest and onto her, "even if you weren't, you're awesome people and your inner beauty would shine through," I flashed a brat grin and she laughed again, but for once I felt like maybe my words had made a little impact.

It is common for women to all get together and bitch about our bodies. Then everyone is supposed to reassure each other that no no, you're beautiful, shut up! This is a normal bonding activity for women. For all I know it may be for men, too, but I've yet to encounter it, so guys feel free to chime in in the comments on that. If I thought it was a matter of sometimes having to remind and reassure people that they're awesome I wouldn't take issue, but I don't think it is.

We encourage ourselves and each other to dwell on what we look like, and not only that, but the parts we like the least. When you spend so much time dwelling on the bad things, they become bigger, and when other people chime in and say "YOU'RE AWESOME!" you've spent so much time dwelling on your big nose and crooked teeth that you're convinced that is all people see when they look at you. That "YOU'RE AWESOME!"? It just sounds like pity. They can't really mean that, who thinks someone who has a big nose and crooked teeth is awesome? And if you try to game the system by skipping over the physical compliments and go straight to "but you're smart and funny!"? That's even worse; that's like saying "You are so ugly I can't think of anything nice to say about your looks", even if what you mean is "I think you are so much more than your looks." Hell, I think that about everyone, and I sometimes want to grab them by the shoulders, shake, and scream that, but that almost never goes over well.

It is yet another situation where no matter what you do, you lose. You play along and you contribute to a society that tries to (and sometimes succeeds) in reducing a woman to her appearance, and holding her to impossible ideals of beauty. If you don't, you run the risk of alienating and hurting people you love.  So, I will make a modest suggestion. When you find yourself about to start bitching about your body, stop and pick something you like about it instead. Yes, I am suggesting that when you want to complain about your weird teeth and big nose, stop and think about how bitching your cleavage is--or whatever fits for you and your relationship with your body. When you catch your friends talking trash about their bodies? Say the negative self talk is really getting you down, and ask them to say something nice about their bodies (and have something ready to offer, as well) instead.

It may seem like such a silly thing, but it's such an insipid, toxic thing which we let run unchecked feeds into so many bigger, more serious ones. These are the seeds that we plant that blossom into eating disorders or self confidence, which would you rather foster?


You can find more Erika on twitter @SnappyErika

Fattism from the point of view of a Skinny Bitch

So, I will put a disclaimer in here: I fit into what society deems conventionally "attractive" for women. I've got big breasts, big butt, a small waist, and long hair. This fact has left me feeling really awkward about the issue of fattisim. Or rather, my right to speak about it. I haven't had to work for my figure, and have never BEEN fat, so it's, well, harder for me to relate. So, I guess I'll start with the obvious. 

Yes, fattism is a thing. I won't try to get into the thick of the issue it's self when it has already been done, and much better, elsewhere, but I will try to sum it up. North America is a very... Visual, society, that tends to make all sorts of fun judgements based on looks. It used to be race, but now that's Not Okay, so people have moved onto weight, I guess? I know people who have actually uttered the phrase "I hate fat people. They're disgusting" I'm disappointed in myself for just staring in shock, or laughing nervously rather then flipping the table and screaming at them "ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!" and I imagine most of you are on board with me for that one. It's easy to crap your pants over someone being that overtly awful, but there is a much more innocuous line that people use to spread their hate. One that I am guilty of uttering myself.

"But what about the health risks?" I mean, EVERYONE knows that fat people are unhealthy and going to get diabetes, have high blood pressure, and smell bad! They should just loose the weight! It's not hard! Just some self control and exercise, right? Actually, no. Loosing weight, or maintaining a "healthy" weight (I won't even GET into the BS that BMI is) isn't as easy as skinny people who have fast metabolisms seem to think it is. There is also the assumption that being fat means you have no self control, and are unhealthy. Or if you're fat and unhealthy, that you're unhealthy BECAUSE you're fat, and on THAT, I would like to call bull shit.

Now, imaginary reader, you're may be thinking "But there IS a weight issue!" and that all that icky fat is going to HURT OUR HEALTH SYSTEM. Now, I'm Canadian, and well aware of how strained our health system already is, and would like to see it NOT be strained further, but telling people that they're gross, that their an epidemic, and treating them as less then human isn't going to help anything. It only hurts and shames people, and nothing productive ever got done from shaming.

So, what should we do? Is it okay to start saying it's OK to be fat? "WHAT IF MORE PEOPLE START GETTING FAT BECAUSE OF IT!??!?!" And to that person I say "It's okay to be what ever the fuck you are" but there is the ugly little issue that increased weight causes increased health issues (which people who are heavier are well aware of and don't need you telling them), and it is THAT we should work on, not by going around shaming people for not fitting into an impossible ideal that movies and tv and magazines push. So, how do we work on health rather then body image? Isn't working on body image going to encourage them to GET healthy? No, it really isn't. Make it easier to be healthy. That will get people to be healthy. We need a food and fitness revolution, and badly. We need there to be easy, healthy, cheap food readily available. We need clear food labeling, less artificial ingredients, and we need fitness to leave the gyms and become something that is social and fun.

We also need to widen our definition of "healthy". What good is being skinny and fitting into what society deems "attractive" when you've been conditioned to hate your body no matter what you look like? There's more to health then weight, and when people scream "FAT IS UGLY AND YOU ARE UNHEALTHY" they forget that so is depression. So is bulimia, and anorexia, and the self loathing that can come from body issues that are fueled by things like people telling you you're fat, and the obscene portrayals of the human body in media. Obesity isn't the epidemic, it's narrow minded thinking that treats whole sects of the population like they're not people that is.