LAST TIME ON JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS!
Jem was hitting on her own boyfriend who didn't know it was her and was trying to mash faces when THE BOAT THEY ARE ON IS ABOUT TO CRASH AND EVERYONE MIGHT DIE OH NOESSSS. Also The Misfits are responsible for this, along with like seven other attempted murders, and Starlight House burned down so now all the orphans are staying at THE NEW MANSION Mr Stache put on the line as part of the six-month-long competition to see WHO'S BETTER. The Misfits, rather than thinking "huh maybe we should let them have it" are furious that The Holograms are getting access to it first, and if they win will be evicted.
I'm making Will watch this episode with me because he's never seen the show before and now only has these posts to go on. I'm a good friend and want to share things that cause joy. Unlike Will who made me watch Left Behind AND Ender's Game. Sober. Still waiting for you and Devin to make it up to me, Will.
The episode starts, no one dies, boats are shooting sparks and Rio is clinging to Jem who is dangling off the edge of the boat in highly implausible ways. PHYSICS! Jem kisses Rio because this is foreplay to them and Rio is all "This is wrong I can't hurt Jerrica like this" and--Jem, just--just tell him who you are. Why are you upset that HE WON'T CHEAT ON YOU?
The Misfits fuck off with some pilfered snacks that... I think they're just pills. The Duchess and Lando are all "WE GONNA FUND YOUR VIDEO AND BRING YOU TO PARIS ONCE YOU FINISH CUTTING AN ALBUM. THAT TAKES LIKE A DAY RIGHT?" Also Kimber tells them not to call the cops because winning will be REAL JUSTICE! THEY NEARLY KILLED A BOATLOAD OF PEOPLE KIMBER. THIS IS NOT RESPONSIBLE. How incompetent or overworked are the police in this world?
So, Rio is apparently versed in band management, which is not something that is ever explained. Does he manage other bands? What did he do before the girls' started their group? Did he quit as a band manager for another group to manage them? Questions...
The Misfits are pissed they can't go to Paris to shoot THEIR video, which Raymond explains is because until he owns Starlight he can only embezzle so much--but sending The Misfits to Paris would be... a legitimate business expense? You're a music company. I just--do I need to watch GI Joe to try and understand the economics of this world?
Raymond can't afford to send The Misfits to Paris, but he can afford to send Zipper. You know, the guy who burned down and then bombed the girl's homes? IT WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE TO JUST SEND THE MISFITS RAYMOND. THEY WILL RUIN THE WHOLE VIDEO.
Kimber is getting jealous that Jem is the star, and nearly gets kidnapped by Zipper (I think?) before Rio interrupts and she nearly tells him Jem=his girlfriend. The other girls scold her for it and Kimber insists he has a right to know--and I kind of agree.
At this point Will looked at me and asked: why is it a secret anyways? Is she doing anything special that mandates a SECRET IDENTITY? Or is she just the first Hannah Montana? She's the first Hannah Montana.
Will: I think he's planning to murd--IS HE WEARING A JACKET WITH HIS OWN NAME ON IT?
See what I mean? It was right of me to make him watch this.
So, music video of the girls in Paris, which is Jem lusting after Rio from a distance and The Holograms creeping on random couples. Rio keeps getting more and more uncomfortable with Jem because he loves Jerrica and Jem is... really aggressive. And then she sulks when he's uncomfortable and doesn't go along with it. Ah, the 80s, giving children great ideas of what healthy romance looks like.
During the shoot Zipper somehow pries a whole gargoyle off of a roof and tries to murder the girls. Rio once again dashes in and saves the whole group when they could have just wandered off, gotten lunch, taken a leak, and come back but you know, Rio needs to get his heroing on or he breaks out into a rash. Only Jem seems to notice or care that they nearly died. Again. Aja is once again the most useful character and points out ZIPPER IS TRYING TO KILL US AGAIN. Guys? Guys, we should maybe do something about Zipper? She is ignored because who wants to be sensible when you can BEAT THEM IN A MUSIC CONTEST?
Will: DID THEY JUST PARK A PLANE IN MIDAIR? WHAT?
He's beginning to understand.
Will: Do we ever get any proof that Jem is ever wearing any clothes?
She might just be wearing holograms all the time, but I think Rio would notice and be way more freaked out when he went to pull her up as she dangled precariously off of a hot air balloon and accidentally stuck his hand in her butt crack.
Wait--Kimber is actually Jerrica's sister? WHY HAS JERRICA INHERITED EVERYTHING AND WHY DID SHE GET THE HOLOGRAM AND KIMBER GET NOTHING? Kimber should be WAY MORE PISSED than she is. We find this out because Raymond tries to convince her to go solo. It's typical super villain "LET ME GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT AND ALSO MY D" type shpiel. She's tempted, but pretty sure he's trying to use a mind control prototype and makes a break for it. You know, I wrote that last sentence as a joke, but it occurs to me I need to be more careful because that could 100% happen in this show. I can't use hyperbole; nothing is too far. CURSE YOU POE!!!
Moving on, Rio tries to quit as Jem's manager because he is having boners for her and Jerrica is convincing him to stay on. Rio is being pretty straight forward that Jem is making him uncomfortable and he's worried about hurting Jerrica. Jerrica continues to NOT TELL HIM SHE IS JEM. She's kind of the worst girlfriend.
Jem and The Holograms get a TV spot which means The Misfits are on their way to the TV station to try and fuck shit up.Why? Because they want to be on TV too!
Rio is really awkward because Jem keeps hitting on him and he loves Jerrica and help how do I function. This is the weirdest form of sexual harassment. He should clue in that Jem engages in the same damsel in distress/white knight foreplay he and Jerrica do. That isn't something that's just... going to come up on its own very often.. is it? Also she literally just has on a wig and some makeup. RIO. RIO DO BETTER. ALSO JERRICA TELL HIM WHAT THE HELL IS UP. She's tried like, half a time. This is borderline abusive to the poor bastard.
The Misfits use their borrowed orphan Ashleigh to break into the studio when security doesn't let them in. Oh, yeah, one of the orphans felt hated so she ran away from Starlight house and asked the Misfits to take her in. They were pretty cool about it and gave her a crash course on fucking shit up and committing felonies. (This is not hyperbole.) So with the help of their borrowed orphan they crash the interview. AND THEY DON'T STAB ANYONE! Like, not even a little bit! The show host asks that they are removed, and the lone security guard and Rio get right on that. One of The Misfits tries to convince Rio to be THEIR manager literally as he is dragging them out and he's all "No Jem is a pure and holy maiden I could never betray her. Also my girlfriend, Jerrica. Yeah. All my boners are pointed directly at her and NO ONE ELSE EVER WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT." The Misfits, being, well, themselves, shove Rio off of them. Which knocks him into things and causes thousands of dollars of worth of damage and traps Jem in the middle of a fire pit. A really convenient fire circle. See what I'm saying about their weird foreplay? I think they went out, pissed off/bribed a witch so Jerrica would constantly be put in GRAVE BUT VERY SLOW danger, so she and Rio could constantly act out their damsel in distress/white knight fantasies? If that's the case, he should really be catching on by now.
So, once again, everything is on fire because of The Misfits. Cliffhanger! Kimber, next time someone wants to call the cops on them DON'T STOP THEM JESUS CHRIST WOMAN. I do want to point out that Jerrica/Jem is shown as being a good, nice girl, while The Misfits are supposed to be Bad People, and this is shown by Jerrica being feminine but feisty, yet still needing to be saved, and often putting the needs of others above her own. The Misfits, however, are vilified ultimately by... doing what they want. Now, what they want is dangerous and highly illegal at best, but the fact that they keep insisting they do what they want because they want to telling. Jem and The Holograms, teaching girls that being good means subsuming their own desires!