Sunday, February 1, 2015

50 Shades of movie promotion

Erika here! Will has been turned into a very tiny bird by an evil wizard. I'm working on breaking the curse but it's hard since I'm a different type of wizard. I've almost got it now though. To tide you over, here's some 50 Shades movie promotion. The 50 Shades movie comes out next week. I've tried to stay away from the hype too much. The trailer looked like a horror movie, but a friend of mine, being... diligent, pointed me out to an ad they got on facebook (he also informed me his facebook feed has been taken over by evil forces). It's a virtual tour of Christian Grey's apartment, one he tells me from the map on the ad has no bathroom for Ana. I'm biting the bullet--lets go on this adventure together.

Seeing the locked doors, I expected this to be a point and click adventure where you got to snoop around and eventually unlock them. I was wrong. It seemed weird that the bathroom is off limits, the--er, player?--is presumably a guest, and not letting guests use the bathroom seems a bit rude. OK, I usually close my bedroom door when people are over too, and same for my sex dungeon, makes company nervous, I get that, but I don't want people trying to pee in my sink. I guess that's a kink of Grey's that comes up in the third book?

The first page we're greeted with has some generic audio and shows a few clips of Ana and Grey that I think are supposed to be sexy? One is their backs as they walk away holding hands and it looks super awkward, another is him facing away from her (looking in a mirror watching her I think?) while she coyly drops an oversized button-up shirt, another of him taking his shirt off. The grief piano is briefly featured. Not a horrible start, but it does not make me dread inevitably seeing this movie any less. Let's see what happens when I enter.

Use headphones for best experience? What? Ok, I'm in a poorly animated elevator. I'm told there's "Something about elevators" and OH GOD IT'S GIVING ME AN NDA AND IT'S TRYING TO SAY ITS BEEN WAITING FOR ME IN A SEXY VOICE. Ok, this doesn't look legally binding, so I'm going to tell you all what lays beyond, but I'm scared now. You guys I didn't expect the voice acting.

"This means you cannot disclose anything that you see" TRY AND STOP ME

Showing a bunch of places I can explore. Let's try the closest one.

It's offering me a drink. I don't get the choice of gin and tonic without the tonic. Other options are margarita and cosmo. The margarita looks like it has the highest booze content by the recipe, so lets try that. Like seven times. It doesn't actually let you pick an option, just shows you the recipe for these drinks.

OK, moving along. Random bronze statue, some text with a generic aerial picture of Seattle telling me the view is unforgettable...

This is both not a love seat (it's too big), and the implication is I am touring this apartment, so does this mean they're fooling around in front of me? Awkwardly sipping my margarita that I had to make myself? I'm gonna go wander over to the grief piano now.

I lost the screen shot and refuse to go back for it. Pretend this is an image of Grey shirtless in sweats illuminated by a single lamp at the piano asking what you want to listen to and has two classic song options. Neither sound particularly impressive.

Apparently he just left Ana blueballed on the not-a-loveseat to offer to play the piano for me, but not without stripping his shirt off. Well, I appreciate your attempts at being a better host, Grey. Even if they are hella weird.

I'm, uh, I'm going to go check out the kitchen now, 'kay Grey? Good, he didn't follow me in. The dining room just lets me look out the window (again) while the kitchen gives me a few super generic looking recipes (FOOD WIZARD ERIKA IS UNIMPRESSED) and wine. I'm not being offered a bottle, but I uncork one and drink straight from it, quickly scampering on.

Now sneaking over to the stairs, where I am told that Grey has fresh flowers delivered every 3 days. That seems wasteful. Also the tenses get weird, is Grey supposed to be giving me the tour as the audio implies, or like, is this a service I paid for? Did Grey automate his apartment to hit on people while these tours are given?

Making a break for it and going up stairs. Whew, made it. So far his upstairs hallway just plays youtube clips of music videos and TV ads.

Whoever lost a bet and had to animate this thing clearly lost their will to live near the end as the upstairs has nothing. It's all the videos, the movement stops making sense (you hover across air when there is a clear path where you're trying to go when moving), and even the videos are sparse up here. However at the end of my journey (which is Ana's room) I find one descriptor in it. This.

I just--WHO DECIDED WHAT POPULATED THIS APARTMENT? Who sat down and decided to list like, a handful of the artwork, none of the furniture (which might have actually been cool) two random sets of recipes, and barely anything about the characters? Ana's computer, good for reviewing contracts, and sending email, because she has no personality and would do nothing else with a new computer, made the cut? Why couldn't I unlock the dungeon and get to tour his sex toys? THAT would have potentially been cool. These are nipple clamps from Clampz R Us, used to stimulate the nipples. This is an egg beater from Home Sense. Here is rope and the scissors kept on hand in case you need to get your partner untied fast or the knot gets tightened too much, which is safe BDSM standard. Did Home Sense refuse to let them list the egg beater and then after that they thought "Well, what's the point of letting people explore the sex dungeon, it's not like he has a sex swing"?

Over all, 2/10. This whole thing is an awful point and click adventure, it looks rushed through production, style fluctuates wildly, audio is weirdly implemented, the plot is lacking, and there are obvious puzzles that can't be solved. I give it 2 instead of 1 because they actually have voice acting that's half decent.

If you encounter any other weird movie promotion stuff that you'd like me to suffer through, feel free to leave links in the comments or e-mail them to

[[Despite being a tiny bird, Will managed to manipulate a dry-erase marker long enough to report that Wheel of Time posts will begin again this week and will be going up on Wednesdays until further notice.  Come back in three days for the continuing adventures of useless farmboys and badass wizard ladies.]]


  1. Any bets on whether this is an accurate indicator of the production values for the actual movie?

    Please give my sympathies to Will; lizard curses are the worst.

  2. Looking at the map there, isn't this apartment rather ...small? Apart from being three bedroom, one bathroom, look at the rooms in proportion to the staircase and entryway (two areas of universal size). Christian's bedroom is about twice the width and length of the staircase, or roughly 12' by 12', and his bathroom is 6' wide. My master bedroom and master bath were bigger than that at my second and third apartments. This seems to be a perfectly ordinary 3-bedroom apartment with 2 stories and not enough bathrooms. Once again, no one involved seems to understand with "mega-rich" means.

  3. I guess most of his money went on sound-proofing the place?

  4. This apartment appears to have been designed with the least possible effort at realism possible. I mean, either you have people over, and that dining room makes no sense, or you don't, and that living room makes no sense. Where are the comfy chairs? It is the laziest concept of a rich person's apartment I have ever seen.
    And the first thing I thought was "That is not a loveseat". Perhaps they are using a particularly literal interpretation of "loveseat"?

  5. I thought Grey also had a study in his apartment?

  6. I can see how they would forget that, given that the study
    a) isn't a place they had sex.
    b) isn't a route to a place they had sex.

  7. I'm pretty sure they had sex on his desk in book one..can't remember what chapter. She was wondering around his place looking for him, found him in the study and he throws all the papers off his desk before they go at it. It was a really short scene, so that's probably why it's not significant enough for the movie.

  8. "Perfect for sending emails"
    It's a computer in 2015, and they felt obligated to mention it could send emails. It's "perfect" for sending emails no less. What other fancy features does it have? A keyboard? A CD drive? One of them newfangled mon-ee-tore things?

  9. Aga. Bwah. Guh. What. In what world has someone thought that enticing? Or was this job given to someone who hates 50SoG and they deliberately made a pig's ear out of it, knowing that fans would eat up anything with Stud BeefSlap in it, and nobody else would dislike it anyway? I'm gonna go with the latter, thanks...

  10. I have just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.