Thursday, July 4, 2013

50 Shades chapter 21 in which there is a lot of super boring sex.

Last chapter ended with Ana and Grey heading to the playroom, and this chapter opens with them getting down and dirty. It is by far the kinkiest sex they have had yet (nipple clamps, bondage, blindfolding, vibrator, and some anal play all in one session) and guys... I was bored. I can't even snark at it, I just had to force myself to not skip ahead to the end. The only point of note is that Grey commented "These toys you picked are not great for you, we need to start with other things" and swapped things around, and I appreciated him calmly, and without snark, explaining sexy time safety things with her.

After the kinky stuff, they have pretty normal sex, and Ana again is overcome with how much she loves him and how much has happened and once again, immediately after orgasm, starts to cry. Grey is, rightly so, alarmed and confounded. It's all just another chance for them to talk about how much they're in love/complete each other etc etc. More fucking and pillow talk. It's cute enough, but again, boring as hell.

Then Grey vanishes into his office to play some catch up while Ana makes lunch. We find out what the deal with Taylor's daughter last night (stomach bug that his ex thought was appendicitis), are reminded that Ana is going to see Kate in the near future (I am desperately hoping she and Elliot ALSO got engaged, not gonna lie ), and is excited to chat with Ana to tell her that) and then Grey hands Ana the phone. He called Ray.

Ana is, reasonably, pissed that she was not warned, but the conversation between the two, thought totally awkward and unrealistic, is kinda nice. "This is fast, I know he's well-to-do and eligible and everything but... so soon? Are you sure?" to which Ana's response is "He is the only one there ever has been or ever will be for me. He's my happily ever after, hellz yeah" and she sounds a lot like a 14 year old girl in love for the first time. Still, it's kind of sweet that his first concern is "are YOU sure?" and when Ana shows no hesitation, he doesn't fight back and gives his blessing.

So, after lunch, Grey asks Ana why she asked him not to take pictures because that is a really random and specific thing to ask for. Ana confesses she found the pictures.

His eyes widen in shock. “You’ve been in the safe?” he asks, incredulous.
“Safe? No. I didn’t know you had a safe.”

Someone moved them! Leila, he assumes, because those pictures (the women all knew he had them) were his insurance. If they exposed him, well, he had the means to expose them back. Grey offers to shred the pictures, and is off to work, excited when Ana says she'll bake him a cake (he requests chocolate, if anyone was curious).

With Grey gone, Ana calls her Mother, and... I thought my Mom reacted poorly when her first response to "I'm engaged" was to be mad at me for not telling her in person (we lived in different cities) then told me she'd hide it from my Dad so The Boy could ask permission, and then changed the topic from "I just got engaged" to "I'm still house hunting" and started stress crying over not having found the perfect house. That was my Mother's response, and I think Ana's Mother sounds like a downright nightmare. She accuses Ana of being pregnant (because she was knocked up when she got married with Ana), tells her it's too soon (admittedly, it IS), implies she's in it for the money, and starts bawling because her Dad is dead and repeatedly implies that Ana ruined her life to the point Ana point blank ASKS if she did (her Mother naturally tells her no but still, fuck), and then flakes off because her husband is calling. Just--wow. Poor Ana, no wonder she's so confused how to handle attention and affection from others.

Grey is back in the office, and Ana pokes her head in to let him know she's going to the store for some ingredients and he objects to her dress being too short and tells her to put on pants because apparently he's her Mom.

“What if we were at the beach?” I take a different tack.
“We’re not at the beach.”
“Would you object if we were at the beach?”
He considers this for a moment. “No,” he says simply.
I roll my eyes again and smirk at him. “Well, just imagine we are. Laters.” I turn and bolt for the foyer. I make it to the elevator before he catches up with me. As the doors close, I wave at him, grinning sweetly as he watches, helpless—but fortunately amused—with narrowed eyes. He shakes his head in exasperation, then I can see him no more.

Ana then immediately feels INTENSE FEAR because that was ballsy and risky and oh noes he'll be mad and she has so little experience with men! At the same time, she feels that she should be able to wear what ever the crap she wants, and is just conflicted. On route to the store she notices her bank account is 50k above what it should be, but rolls her eyes since this is just her life now. When she gets back, she apologizes, but so does Grey, admitting that she should wear what she wants (which is impressive) and they bone, AGAIN. That's like, the 12th time today. Just, ow. Chafing? No? Not an issue here ever? Okay, then.

There's some cake, they're schmoopy, and then off to his parents' place! Ana is reasonably nervous and excited about telling his family. I admit, I'm shocked (and kind of delighted) he hasn't gotten her a ring yet. I LIKE that he hasn't because you don't see that often, but I'm surprised he doesn't have one for her to show off to his family.

So, they get in, and before they can so much as say hello, Kate, furious, drags them both off to talk to them in private.

“What the fuck is this?” she hisses and waves a piece of paper at me. Completely at a loss, I take it from her and scan it quickly. My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my e-mail response to Christian, discussing the contract.

And that, boys and girls, is the end of chapter 21, and why you don't fucking print off private emails when you have a smartphone! Tune in next Thursday for THE FINAL CHAPTER! As always, comments help ease the liver pain! Till next week!


  1. It's amazing to me that these books are supposed to be so hot and erotic, but when you actually read them, the sex is BORING. Just really dull and "oh yeah, my world exploded and there were sparklies and I understood the nature of the universe and Christian turned me inside out again" every single time, to the point where it's almost a parody of erotica. I'm beginning to wonder if the author has any real life experience at all about what she's writing about -- not just the kinky stuff (she has no clue), but the sex itself.

    Thanks again for forcing your way through this. You're a stronger woman than I am.

  2. My inner David Caruso just took off his sunglasses to deliver a one-liner about how it's tragicomic that the sex scenes in this book are all so vanilla.

  3. VannelopeVonTeatsJuly 7, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    Yay... can't believe I'm finally up to date with your posts (my subconscious is so doing a happy little jig right now - my inner goddess is reclined on the ol' chaise lounge, watching a scrubs box set and picking her nose if anyone's interested). A little bit sad that I'm only halfway through my 12hr shift and I'll have to start doing some work in order to entertain myself/stay awake now... or worse, talk to my colleague who only has two topics of conversation - the pub or what he does at the pub. Woe is me.

    So anyway, I came across your blog after leaving a bad review for Fifty Shades on amazon and seeing all the good ones gushing about how this 'epic romance' had changed their lives. I knew before I had finished reading the first paragraph that the Author had clearly just coughed up something nasty and spat it between the cover pages before managing to pass it off as literature so why couldn't they see it? Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with society as a whole? My questions led me to go on a 'I hate E L. James' rage rampage through the internet and there you were, hiding behind some link I clicked on and confirming that I wasn't the only person in the whole fucking solar system that had a bit of sense about them.

    I hate this book, I hate Christian Trevelyan Grey and Anastasia Rose Steele as well as all the other insignificant characters that fill up space in the non-existent plot. I am a writer and it maddens me to think that this woman has made gazillions off a piece of shit I wouldn't put my name on for no amount of love or money. Seriously, has she never had an interaction with another human being in her fifty-something years on this planet? Has she been living under a rock, waiting for the day when she could jump out and inflict us all with her abysmal writing attempts because if that is the case, can someone somewhere please start a campaign to get her back under it again and make it so that she has to stay there for the remainder of forever before I hunt her down and punch her face out the back of her head so she can't do any more of those cringe worthy interviews. Hmm... I better break her fingers too in case she ever tries to write again!

    Also, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but EL. James has a habit of dropping in a lot of 'he's the master of my universe' lines throughout the chapters of her second book (not sure about the first). Wasn't 'The Master Of The Universe' the name of her original fanfic piece? E L. James... you make me want to choke on vomit!
    Haven't really got anything to say on this chapter in particular other than it was its usual mix of laughing until my jaw hurt and wondering how civilisation will continue if this is the standard of writing they like their books to come with, but I felt like I deserved a bloody good bitch now that I've managed to get myself caught up with everyone else.
    Thanks for suffering so I don't have to, it is appreciated. xxxx

  4. I think you're onto something with the "lying in wait until she can pounce and ruin us." I think she's a Vogon.

  5. VannelopeVonTeatsJuly 7, 2013 at 2:09 PM

    Haha! She is definitely a Vogon, boring us all to death with her tedious story-telling attempts. It must be rather dull in E L. James' head. I think she had to write Fifty Shades to get those shit fantasy's out of her mind before she chewed off her own face. Maybe her opinion was 'the needs of me outweigh the needs of the many.

  6. Eh, people get to like what they like, although it's popularity is... depressing and kind of terrifying, I agree. I've started reading book 3, while it's still incredibly problematic and icky if the first 100 pages are anything to go by she took some writing lessons and got a better editor. The tedium of "and then and then and then" with chapters upon chapters of inconsequential fluff seems to be better handled and stripped down. Then again, the book is over 500 pages so I'm sure I'll feel differently in another 100 or so.


  8. VannelopeVonTeatsJuly 7, 2013 at 2:52 PM

    I so agree with you on the whole 'people get to like what they like' front. Each to their own I say, which is why I've stopped 'heatedly debating' this book with anyone who mentions to me that they like it. Now, instead of asking what exactly it is that they like about it and then counteracting whatever they say with a yeah... but, I just smile, say 'that's nice', and thank my lucky stars its not my money the old vulture is lining her pockets with.
    Aww poor you on Fifty Freed, I will admit that I know most of the story already and I'm not going to spoil it, but I won't lie to you either, get stocked up on whatever your tipple is because the writing is a little better, but the plot is even worse. I think you might need a week in bed after those 500 pages. Oh well, all in good fun :)

  9. VannelopeVonTeatsJuly 7, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    Just wanted to point this out so I don't look like some egotistical weirdo... I seem to have voted for my own comment here (just in case someone notices) but it was a total accident, was having a little look-see at who put a 1 on my comment and clicked by mistake. Was so not boosting my own ego here... cos... yano... I already agree with it... I wrote it haha.

  10. Have you seen this Erika? Somebody decided to annotate 50 Shades and it looks so good!

  11. Ain't no shame in recognizing what a magnificent person one is.

  12. VannelopeVonTeatsJuly 8, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    True, but one should be discreet when they're going about their self-admiration so they can ease those around them in to the fact that they're a complete egomaniac. Subtlety is key when trying to show the world how totally amazing you are, otherwise they get all struck dumb by the marvel that is you and you have to break in to your smelling salt stash to bring them back in to reality. And when they come round and see that it's you , they get all in awe again... it's a vicious circle really. It's Best if I just pretend I made a mistake.