50 Shades of Grey, chapter 5. The chapter that makes me hate all the things.

So I read the chapter and write these posts at the same time, but this I'm putting in as a warning. This is the chapter that drives me to drink. You've been warned, continue at own risk. 

Also, if people belittling rape is triggering for you, skip to the second half of this post.  

Chapter 5. Ana comes to (which is the closest thing we get to a time jump between chapters so far) and is confused and disoriented. She isn't in her apartment, and she's down to t-shirt and panties. Why? Because Grey didn't want to risk the leather upholstery in his car, so he took her to his hotel room because it was closer. Classy! Again, Kate should be loosing her fucking shit right now, where ever she is. Ana should be hearing her phone chiming off in frantic panic as Kate realizes she wasn't taken home like the Greys said she would be. Enter Grey, who confesses yes he undressed her, but no, it's cool, nothing happened, she was comatose, he's not into that. I can't be the only one who's horrified by this, right? He is then all justified about having tracked her number because he got the software online (IT'S STILL AN INVASION OF PRIVACY AND YOU'RE A SUPER CREEP!) and, actually, I'll just post the excerpt of him defending his tracking her down. ...and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,” he says acidly. That's right, he's throwing her near rape in her face. Then they talk about him being a knight (A dark one, he insists.) because after a dude who saved me from a molester rubs my nose in it, my first thought is “OH BUT HE'S SO DREAMY” and arg. ALIENS. It's the only answer. These two are aliens. 

He then moves on to scolding Ana for drinking on an empty stomach, and again, he's being high handed and condescending. About her near rape, blaming her for it when she was out with her two best friends. She had every reason to think she was safe, you dick weed. She even points this out, which leads to this incredibly depressing passage.

“I would have been fine. I was with Kate.”

“And the photographer?” he snaps at me.

Hmm… young José. I’ll need to face him at some point.

“José just got out of line.” I shrug.

Yesterday he was her supposed friend, now he's just “out of line” rather then “in need of a police report filed against him” which he IS. Ana doesn't get that mad at Grey for lording the fact that she nearly got raped by one of her best friends over her, because aliens, and Grey continues to run hot and cold, going from condescending scolding to smoldering mischievous smiles and teasing touches. Then he goes and showers and we're left with Ana thinking about her lady boner and how much she wishes she “was his” (his words, then hers) and comparing him to literary heros and knights, like Lancelot. Sorry, but Lancelot was kind of a skeeze, really, you know, banging his King's wife and all. He emerges from the shower and we get more lady boners Michel­angelo’s David has nothing on him. No, really. This is a line in a best selling book. Ana has gone from wanting Grey intellectually, to despite being a virgin, wanting to bone him. I don't take any issue with a female lusting, but, at least in my experience, virgins tend to be a little more careful and not go from "I want you" to "I want you inside me". There's usually a few middle steps in there. Anyways, she goes to shower and starts masturbating with his body wash and- what, don't believe me?

I reach for the body-wash and it smells of him. It’s a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that it’s him - him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long fingered hands. Oh my. My heartbeat picks up again, this feels so… so good.

She wants him to finger blast her. We're torn from this by the announcement of breakfast arriving. Ana gets dressed, with the clothes Grey sent his man servant to buy, and we're given a description of the bra and panties in the bag.

They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear. . What’s more, they fit perfectly. But of course they do.

Really? This doesn't seem terrifying to you? Did they size you as you were comatose? And I'm sorry, but I would be uncomfortable by someone buying something like that for me in this situation. Fresh underthings, hellz yeah, but if we're getting into high end lingerie, that starts setting expectations, and even if I DID want to bone the dude, I think the assumption would still be a huge turn off. Ana doesn't think of it. Instead she thinks of “buzz cut man” Grey's assistant in the store where he bought it and flushes at THAT. Ana, you're doing it wrong.

She finishes getting dressed, and everything is a perfect fit, naturally, before venturing into the OPULANT suit (no, really, they keep using that word.) when finally she thinks of Kate, and that she MUST be freaking out about her. It's cool, though, Christian texted Elliot.

Oh no. I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves used with maximum effect to seduce Christian’s brother no less! What’s she going to think about me being here? I’ve never stayed out before. She’s still with Elliot. She’s only done this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from the fallout. She’s going to think I’ve had a one-night stand too.

This really bothers me. I am all for casual, consensual, responsible sex. Apparently, despite seeking it out, Kate has then been miserable that he didn't want to be her boyfriend, and this characterization just doesn't fit with what we were given before. Kate seems just about right to be tearing up the dace floor and trolling for the occasional bit of man meat to burn off some stress from running the school paper. It also really bugs me that a text from the guy who said he was going to take your BFFF home saying “it's cool I still have her” doesn't concern Kate at all. I would have grabbed a cab and grabbed my friend myself, because leaving your unconscious, drunk, friend with a near stranger who you know is attracted to her, ignored her choices and opinions, and has made unwelcome gestures on several occasions is NOT something a good friend does. It's not something a shitty friend does, either. Grey has arranged for Ana to have tea- just how she likes it, and the table is heavy with food, because he wasn't sure what she liked, so he ordered the whole menu. YEAH LET'S WASTE SOME FOOD WOO!

“You’ve already given me the books, which, of course, I can’t accept. But these clothes, please let me pay you back.” I smile tentatively at him.

“Anastasia, trust me, I can afford it.”

“That’s not the point. Why should you buy these for me?”

“Because I can,” his eyes flash with a wicked gleam.

You entitled, privileged, obnoxious ass. Then Ana asks about the book, and I continue to hate Christian Grey.

“Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist – and I was holding you and you were looking up at me – all kiss me, kiss me, Christian,” he pauses and shrugs slightly, “I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Anastasia, I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear from me.” He closes his eyes as if in defeat. “There’s something about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured that out already.”

Ana is too hung up on “He can't stay away from me! Squeal!” and tells him not to. He's all “YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO!” and I imagine he's about to take her over his knee and educate her with a ping pong paddle. He then asks her about her plans, and she mentions she has to start packing for the move to Seattle with Kate, and he keeps asking general interest questions. He suggests she apply for an internship at his company, as well, because getting the girl you want to bone to work for you is SUPER CLASSY GUYS!

Where is he going with all these questions? The Christian Grey Inquisition is almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition.

Anastasia Steele just hates it when people show an interest in her life.

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me. My heart beat spikes, and I think I’m panting. Jeez, I’m a quivering, moist mess, and he hasn’t even touched me. I squirm in my seat and meet his dark glare.

“Why don’t you?” I challenge quietly.

“Because I’m not going to touch you Anastasia - not until I have your written consent to do so.” His lips hint at a smile.

Okay, so we'll have a few more chapters before they bone, but I want to point this out. He has twice now told her to apply to be an intern at his company when he has every and all intentions of taking her to bed. He is picking his interns based on who he wants to bone, which makes it even creepier that all his receptionists and interns we've met thus far have been blond and “perfect”. Has he tried to figure out which ones are into BDSM and take them all to bed, too? Also “quivering, moist mess”. Enjoy that one. I sure as hell am. Moist. One of the few words in the English language that almost all women hate, and here it is, trying to be sexy. I'd also like to know WHY Grey is glaring at her, and how a glare can be dark unless backed up with murderous intent. 

Also I initially wanted to poke fun at the written consent being a huge turn on for him and ramble on, but apparently that's a thing when BDSM comes up to avoid domestic abuse charges, and considering who Grey is, not wanting his Subs to be able to run to the cops if they're pissed at him being moody and sulky isn't bad form.  

Anyways, he insists that he has to acquaint her with his habits personally, and invites her over to dinner (surprisingly, giving her an obvious choice in the matter) and refuses to do so then and there because he's enjoying himself and imagines that Ana won't want anything to do with him once he reveals he's a freaky sex demon with penises on his head instead of horns from where he sold his soul to the devil. She doesn't want to wait to find out his big secret and asks to do so tonight. He agrees and arranges a helicopter to get from Portland to Seattle. I almost wrote a helicopter joke last chapter with his timing, but I realized odds are he was still in town. I can't believe he's actually pulling out a fucking helicopter... I need a drink.

So he scolds her into eating the rest of her food because he doesn't like wasting food when- YOU ORDERED THE EVERYTHING! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT?! 

“Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him still sitting in the dining room chair. I can’t see any blankets or sheets out here – perhaps he’s had them tidied away.

“In my bed,” he says simply, his gaze impassive again.

“Oh.”

“Yes, it was quite a novelty for me too.” He smiles.

“Not having… sex.” There – I said the word. I blush – of course.

“No,” he shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. “Sleep­ing with someone.”

That's right, he cuddled up with the comatose Ana last night. BUT GUYS IT'S TOTALLY COOL HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! And I need another drink. Ana apparently wasn't creepy enough earlier, however, and after her hair is dry...

I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

That's right, she's all excited about swiping his tooth brush. She mentions before this that she's sad she couldn't watch him sleep, probably because she wanted to steal some of his hair. So Ana goes about her mundanes-ness of finishing getting ready and gathering her shit and then after waiting for him to finish a conversation on his black berry (although she mentions earlier he has a macbook, so I'm surprised that he isn't an iPhone user, too) and they then walk silently to the elevator, not talking, just stealing glances and smiling and biting lips. We then get the first bit of erotic actions, which I feel obliged to inflict upon you all.

“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It’s only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. . I feel his erection against my belly. Oh my… He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, wants me, and I want him, here… now, in the elevator.

“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs, each word a staccato.

Pins her with his boner, and I cut it off there as he leaps off her when the elevator opens and generic business dudes enter the elevator. There are naturally a few things I must pick apart in this. 1) We KNOW you've never been kissed like this, this is your first kiss. 2) How would you know what an expert mouth explorer as to an armature one feels like Ana? 3) really, all this, and you're using the word belly? 4) How is this sweet? Unless you mean she is physically sweet? I think that's a carry over from when it was Twilight fanfiction.

So, he comments on her having brushed her teeth, and Ana confesses to having borrowed his tooth brush, which prompts a “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU?” sort of thing that leaves me feeling icky. He's older then she is, and in a very different life place, and trying to get power over her by getting her to work for him. The whole thing is so, so creepy.

And that is the end of chapter five, the one that drove me to drink. I suspect it's all down hill from here folks. See you next week, and as per usual, please, leave comments, questions, and suggestions, as I'm new to this and, well, I can use the input/encouragement.