50 shades of Grey Chapter 3 in which the characters act like aliens

So, a little note first. I noticed a huge spike of traffic lately, so I'd like to welcome you Topless Roboteers,  STFU Couplers, and Ramblites formally. Thanks for coming by, and I hope you enjoy this deconstruction and my suffering is not in vain. I have also fixed the comments so now ANYONE can just jump on in and post their thoughts, which I hope you do!


Alright. Chapter three. This chapter led to the following conversation:

Me: Oh, God, this is awful.
Alex: Did you get to the sex scenes already?
Me: No, they're just talking to each other.
Alex: Maybe the reason people like the sex scenes so much is because the dialog is so bad they're just glad they stopped talking?

Me: THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

Chapter three, folks. The chapters thus far all run into each other totally sequentially. First chapter left off with Ana fleeing Grey's office, second chapter started with the escape from the building. Chapter two ends with Grey being all “I WILL MODEL FOR YOU” and chapter three starts with Ana having just rushed to the storeroom to tell Kate about it, and Kate is trying to convince Ana that Grey likes her. AGAIN. Kate, shouldn't you be crapping your pants in glee that this is panning out so beautifully in your favor rather than being all "ZOMG A BOY LIKES MY BFFF!" Anyways, Ana's denying it, but then “I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.” Okay, maybe I'm just a sensible type of lady, but the only time I did something like that I was 14. No, really. More and more these apparently adult women read like they're 14. This includes the apparently less romantically clueless Kate. This actually bugs me. Does E L James really think this is how women act? Or even just young women? More and more I'm afraid to try to crawl into James' world and try to see things from her point of view. 

Kate then pops Ana's bubble about seeing Grey because her usual photographer is out of town! Oh no! There has not been an obviously introduced set of shoulders who could fill in! Ana points out that there is, and their name is Jose. Kate, being the thoughtful person she is comes out with “Great! He'll do ANYTHING for you! You ask! And then you can call Grey! I'm too busy eating babies!” Ana for whatever reason doesn't want to call Grey herself (fears passing out from all the blood in her body rushing to a raging lady boner? Discuss.), and Kate is all “bitch please you're the one who has a relationship with him” and the use of the word relationship freaks out Ana. Ugh. YOU ARE NOT FOURTEEN! Once again, however, I think that Kate is lazy and/or mercenary. She and Jose are friends, too, but no, Ana has to ask him about it because he likes her, even though Kate is the one who wants the damned pictures. Every one knows that if a boy likes you you should DEFINITELY use that to get him to do what you want. That is totally an okay mentality to have and doesn't make you a Terrible Person at all! It scares me that I'm pretty sure we're supposed to like Kate. We move on to Ana confessing not wanting more involvement than she already has, and even though she's already doing these HUGE favors for Kate, is bullied into it anyways. She actually hangs up on her after the order! Kate – kind of a jerk. And then Paul comes in to drag Ana out of the store room and grill her about how she knows Grey. Then we get this.

Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a whole­some all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination. That is a creepy ass tradition you got there. Okay, I agree, dating your boss's brother, bad idea!  But she never says this to him, just brushes him off with “some other time”. She never tells him “Sorry but I don't think that would be appropriate” which would be TOTALLY FAIR and from the bits we've gotten of Paul, I don't think he'd freak out over that. He may still push, but then she has a gun to stick to. The part about this that bothers me is she says he's no literary hero, which if he is the all-American boy-next-door, well, they pop up all over the place in literature, Princess. Still, let's say he isn't, no wonder you've been chronically single if THAT is your standard. If you're single because no one has done it for you, fine, but if your standards are “HE MUST BE A MIX OF ROMEO AND HEATHCLIFF AND DARCY!” then I'm sorry, but you have a serious case of unrealistic expectations. Luckily for her, Grey IS literary hero standards, what being rich and powerful and and mysterious and the epitome of male beauty as he is with his rather lovely brows, and wants to duct tape her to the ceiling and tickle her ass with an egg beater. Or whatever it is he does that is apparently so kinky and risque later in the book. We leave Paul and Ana by him telling her that one day she will break and say yes. Okay, so maybe Ana is onto something and not just telling him point blank YOU ARE THE BOSS'S BROTHER AND THAT CAN NOT END WELL FOR ME because he would just brush it off and probably be more public about his pursuits and make her look frigid and mean for saying no.

Abrupt cut to Ana pleading with Jose on the phone, because he shoots places, not people! He is an artist! Though it's a shame he does places, not people, as it would give us a chance for this super intimate photo shoot between him and Ana before the threesome. However we get Ana impotently pleading with him before Kate The Mighty snatches her phone and “Listen here, José Rodriquez, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?” So she made Ana call because he's a love sick puppy who would do anything for her, and when that fails Kate just forces him anyways. I actually don't object to Kate stepping up here. This is huge for her, and could give her a great edge when she's looking for an actual job in a few weeks, being able to say “I arranged a photo shoot and interview with Christian Grey, last minute, who never does those things” is going to only do good things for her. So no, I don't blame her for this, what bugs me is that she didn't just talk to him herself in the first place. She isn't telling her friend, “Listen. I really need this” and offer to pay him (she has money out the Mother Effing WAZOO, thanks to Mommy and Daddy and White Privileged). No, she resorts to “LISTEN YOU WILL DO THIS AND THAT IS FINAL!”. Also his whole name is Jose Rodriquez. Not quite as bad as Anastasia Steele, but not far off. Kate then brow beats Ana into calling Grey, and again, I actually don't blame her for this part. She knows, just as we do, that he only agreed to this because it was Ana, what bothers me about Kate's behavior over all is that she wasn't willing to step in until she couldn't manipulate Jose emotionally, and is being very hands off.

So Ana calls Grey and gets all flustered because even his voice is THAT sexy.

“Anastasia Rose Steele. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so, so… affected by anyone before. You’re actually blushing.”

“Oh Kate, you know I blush all the time. It’s an occupational hazard with me. Don’t be so ridiculous,” I snap. She blinks at me with surprise – I very rarely throw my toys out of the pram – and I briefly relent. “I just find him… intimidating, that’s all.”

“Heathman, that figures,” mutters Kate. “I’ll give the manager a call and negotiate a space for the shoot.”

“I’ll make supper. Then I need to study.” I cannot hide my irritation with her as I open one of cupboards to make supper.

I want to talk about this a little. Firstly, we now have a middle name. Rose. Rose itself is a fine name, I've always been rather partial to it, but sandwiched in between Anastasia and Steele, I don't think anything could sound not ridiculous. What bugs me about this exchange is the power differential. Kate is set up to be almost Motherly, using the full name, and Ana makes herself sound childish, with referring to “throwing her toys outside the pram” and then Ana is off to make them both supper. This is not the first time we've seen her cooking for both of them. Chapter one she was making soup and sandwiches for her sick friend, which is fine, she's a Good Girl after all, but now we see her making dinner, too, because... I guess that's just their arrangement? But more and more I find the whole Kate/Ana dynamic kind of icky. Kate is the one in control, she has the power. Ana has said the apartment is Kate's, and she pays peanuts to live there, so on top of the obvious emotional power differential, there's also a material one, too. We're told Ana just does what she says because she's sweet and nice and doesn't throw her toys often, but that just doesn't make sense to me. It could be that James is trying to set us up to see Ana as a great sub later on, but... I know I made a joke about it earlier, but I really do think Ana is in love with Kate. Maybe the reason Ana isn't finding any boys she really likes is because she doesn't like boys. Grey is only melting chocolate fudge caramel to her because of vampire glamor. Wait, I did some reading, apparently he actually isn't a vampire. I'm surprised. That will still not stop me from assuming he has glamor or something like it. He sold his soul to the devil, how else could he be THAT rich and TOTALLY SEXY ZOMG HNNNNGGG at 27? I got off track, Ana's a lesbian, probably. She's got Jose, who is sweet and fun and shoulders and sounds not at all unlike a literary heart throb, and he's into her, but he doesn't do it for her. We then have the other end of the spectrum the all-American boy-next-door, but neither of these do it for her. She has NEVER had a man do it for her before. I'm sorry, Ana, but I think you're in the closet, and Grey, you're a dick for confusing the poor girl more than she already is with your devil magic.

So, Ana is Dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places and I generally get annoyed with dream sequences, but, well, if you have to have them in, this is probably the best way to do so, even if it's corny and still annoying. There will be more, I'm sure, through the book. Still they're short and you get the idea. I'm also glad that, since this IS erotica, the narration is getting a little more obviously turned on. Also I don't think I mentioned the coveralls last chapter, but he bought some of those at her suggestion, just to explain that. I wonder in her dream which one of them are wearing the coveralls? Are they both wearing them? Hm.

Next day, Ana, Kate, Jose, and his friend/assistant Travis are at the hotel setting up, and we see Kate actually be the competent in charge character that the narrator keeps insisting that she is. She has the room set up for them, free of charge*, she's arranging it for the photo shoot how she wants, and while she IS being bossy, she's in “get shit done” mode and that comes across.

Then, enter Grey He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry looking at him… he’s so freaking hot. Wait. He's wearing flannel pants? Aren't those pyjama pants? To a photo shoot with his hair still wet? This is how he's choosing to turn up when he takes great care in maintaining an immaculate image, when there is a photographer. What is this I don't even... Wait, no, he isn't just popping in to see what's going on, he is actually here for the photo shoot dressed like that. What the double-crap?

Anyways, Jose takes some pictures, and Ana is happy to just gawk at him during this time. Grey then asks her to walk with him and she expects anger, wondering what she did wrong. To answer your question Ana- OPENLY DROOLING ON THE FLOOR WHILE STARING AT HIM! It's CREEPY dude! Fine, gawk and have your raging lady boners all over the place, but learn some subtlety. It's only polite. I find this interesting, snark aside, as it shows how ever eager Ana is to please, and how quickly she will blame herself. Rather than scold her, he asks her to join him for coffee. If she STILL tries to ignore his interest in her, I'm going to set something on fire.

She apologetically declines as she drove them there, and he offers to have his driver take them. She instead goes to switch cars with Kate, not wanting him to go to that trouble for her. At first I thought this was to show ZOMG GREY YOU'RE SO STRONG AND MANLY AND POWERFUL again, but no, I think it was so we could have this conversation.

“Christian Grey has asked me to go for coffee with him.”

Her mouth pops open. Speechless Kate! I savor the moment. She grabs me by my arm and drags me into the bedroom that’s off the living area of the suite.

“Ana, there’s something about him.” Her tone is full of warning. “He’s gorgeous, I agree, but I think he’s dangerous. Especially to someone like you.”

“What do you mean, someone like me?” I demand, affronted.

“An innocent like you, Ana. You know what I mean,” she says a little irritated. I flush.

Jose is silently glowering and jealous just before this exchange, which bugs me. She has never wanted to be more than friends with you, you don't get to get growly. Kate I'm not quite sure about here. Is she honestly concerned about Ana, who she has been constantly badgering into dating that Grey really IS dangerous to her? It isn't an unreasonable thought. Just because Ana refuses to see the facts, Kate can see that he's been undressing Ana with his eyes, and she sees Ana's reactions. She's afraid her friend will be pressured into something, or just toyed with by Grey. The whole thing is a little over dramatic, but it's supposed to build that this is a forbidden love. Fine. However that isn't how I read this. I think Kate KNOWS Ana is in love with her, and the constant “Why don't you get a boyfriend?” has been to make it clear she was ignorant of that fact that Ana is in love with her and still let her take advantage of that without seeming callous. She doesn't like Grey because he threatens that dynamic. They hug with a promise on Kate's part to send out a search party if need be as they switch cars, and Ana goes back to her “date”. I'm putting date in quotation marks because it seems too early to actually establish a relationship in the story. Unless the rest of the book is just them boning? That would be a pretty jarring jump, but at least then they would stop talking.

So they get in the elevator and he holds her hand and they don't talk as they go to the coffee shop, and then he buys her tea (because she hates coffee and this choice is apparently of interest to him for some reason.) and he gets a muffin and suddenly I'm wondering how this is supposed to be a supernatural romance. He's obviously not a vampire. Did I misread something here? Well, as far as I'm concerned off page he's sold his soul to the Devil and is still using mind control type magic, so hey, good enough for me! Unless I was SUPPOSED to draw that conclusion and it's canon, then we have a whole other slew of issues. Anyways, he then, after having held her hand through the streets, asks if Jose is her boyfriend. This strikes me as bizarre for a lot of reasons. Firstly, he asked her out, she said yes, and he was JUST holding her hand. I think we're past the “you single?” conversation point making a lick of sense. He then asks if Paul is her boyfriend. SERIOUSLY DUDE WHAT THE EFFING HELL?! She seems to wonder the same.

“Why do you ask?”

“You seem nervous around men.”

Holy crap, that’s personal. I’m just nervous around you, Grey.

“I find you intimidating.” I flush scarlet, but mentally pat myself on the back for my candor, and gaze at my hands again. I hear his sharp intake of breath.

“You should find me intimidating,” he nods. “You’re very honest. Please don’t look down. I like to see your face.”

WHAT THE DOUBLE-CRAP DUDE? You have seen her around what, three, four guys? Counting yourself? She has been normal with all of them but you, and you have seen that! You're a dick! Also, “You should find me intimidating”. I'm fighting the urge to not just quote huge blocks of text here and be all “DUDES CHECK THIS MESSED SHIT” because it would be like three pages. He keeps up with his “I AM A CONTROL FREAK AND GET MY WAY MUWAHAHAHAHA” and Ana has gone from OH NOES I AM SOOO INTIMIDATED to “Why haven't you asked me to call you by your first name?” and it comes out of NOWHERE. THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE TALK EVER! Ana's jumps from overwhelmed by her lady-boner and timid to trying to pick a fight with Grey are jarring and confusing as far as characterizations go, and I really wish the author had just given us a feisty heroin who's into being tied up by her feet and having car batteries clamped to her nipples. We get more control stuff here. He then out of nowhere asks her about her family (birth Dad is dead for those of you wondering!). She then starts talking fondly of her Mother, who she calls an “incurable romantic” and implies that is why she's on husband number four. This strikes me as odd considering Ana's own impossibly high standards. She has shown some awareness that she has them, and that they are not good things, so I find it kind of... Mean, that she calls her Mother as such and means it in a negative way. Some more awkward banter back and forth between the two of them because the author has never been in a room where two people are speaking, and here is where we get a little bit about Grey's family (two parents and two siblings, he's adopted, I assume the other two are, too). Then Ana remembers SHIT EXAMS I NEED TO STUDY. So they start walking back to the car, holding hands and not talking again until she asks him if he has a girlfriend. Again, what the hell?

“No, Anastasia. I don’t do the girlfriend thing,” he says softly. And again, I find myself wondering what the hell? Then Ana trips and nearly get's run over by a cyclist and we get a huge break in Grey's character, “Shit, Ana!” he has not only sworn, but for the first time in the book she is not Anastasia or Miss Steele, she's Ana to him. We then get a standard he is holding her to his chest and they're in the “oh just stick your tongue in her mouth already” moment that always pops up in these things.

I don't think he will. Despite having been flirting/hitting on her all damned book, getting her interested and intrigued and lusty, he's going to pull the whole “NO STAY AWAY I AM DANGEROUS!” schtick, she'll get upset, and that will serve to keep them apart a little while longer. Ten bucks. It's chapter three, and I think the author is going to drag this out. 


Also going to take a second and talk about the cyclist. Why a cyclist? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we're seeing a heroin in need of saving, and it isn't from a rapists, as that always makes light of rape, and that shit ain't cool, but, cyclist? Worst case scenario if she had gotten hit would be she broke something. So why a cyclist, James? Why not, oh, I don't know, a CAR? At least a vespa? Work with me here.

And that brings us to the end of chapter three. The whole thing is just... So bad. Honestly. Who the hell talks like these two? I made it through not needing a drink, but barely. Tune in next week to see if I start making drinks! And, you know, if he kisses her. I guess.

As always, I hope you share your thoughts in the comments! TILL NEXT THURSDAY!


*As someone who has worked in catering and events, they would NOT give her that room for free. They would charge, and charge a small fortune, or it was getting billed to Grey.  

Fifty Shades of Grey, chapter two in which I wonder WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Okay kids! Ready for chapter two? I'm not traumatized to the point of drinking yet, so let's see how many chapters until I'm driven to drink!

Okay, we open with Bella Ana rushing with all her heart to get out of the building. She races outside. We are being given a girl who can not get away from this guy fast enough. This is not someone love struck, this is someone who was intimidated and deeply uncomfortable.

“No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction. I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. What in heaven’s name was that all about? Leaning against one of the steel pillars of the building, I valiantly attempt to calm down and gather my thoughts. I shake my head. Holy crap – what was that?” Okay, this answers a few of my questions from last chapter, namely, “Dude, what are you DOING?” because she isn't sure herself! Also, let's think about her list for a second because I want to point out civility. He smirked, sorry, suppressed giggles, at you and was eye fisting you that entire conversation with such gusto that you literally just RACED out of there. I don't think “civil” does that. Also, who the hell gets unnerved and boner-y over civil? Man, that much suck. “OH GOD HE EXCUSED HIMSELF AFTER HE BUMPED INTO ME! HYNGNGH!” then again, the author is based in New York.

Oh, God, the author is doing that thing where they tell you what you're supposed to think of the character. “Okay, so he’s very attractive, confident, commanding, at ease with himself – but on the flip side, he’s arrogant, and for all his impeccable manners, he’s autocratic and cold. Well, on the surface. An involuntary shiver runs down my spine. He may be arrogant, but then he has a right to be – he’s accomplished so much at such a young age. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but why should he?” GUYS I WAS TOTALLY WRONG LAST CHAPTER! He's not a creep who undresses random barely legal girls with his eyes and is a controlling creepy bastard, he's VERY attractive, and confident and commanding and these are things that are sexy so clearly he is! And he TOTES has a RIGHT to be arrogant! Arrogance is FINE if you are entitled to it! Ugh. Weren't you just crapping your pants over him in a bad way seconds ago Ana? Anyone think he used vampire glamor on her? That's my bet.

“I’m driving more cautiously than I would on any other occa­sion. And I know it’s the memory of two penetrating gray eyes gazing at me, and a stern voice telling me to drive carefully.” Further evidence that maybe she's been enthralled? She shakes it off next paragraph and upon the happy realization that she never needs to see the skeeze weasel again starts driving more carelessly, hits play on her MP3 player and “listen to thumping indie rock music”. Thumping indie rock music. What? Don't get me wrong, I usually hate it when authors are all “AND THEY ARE LISTENING TO THIS SONG BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM LOOK COOL!” but I am authentically curious about what “thumping” indie rock she is listening to. Ideas?

Alright, so, Ana gets home and much to my surprise doesn't ditch the car (THIS time) to Kate who gives her what we're told is an inquisition, but, well, seems like pretty basic questioning to me. She asks what went down and even though it was a few pages ago, Ana once again tells us how intense and professional and blah blah blah he is that she told us like, one page ago. She DOES give Kate shit for not briefing her, but Kate is all “WHOOPS PANICKED SORRY!” and despite the fact that the text keeps trying to tell me Kate is tenacious and together, I keep seeing her as spacey and disorganized. Either way, I can only wonder how that conversation went down that it didn't come up.

Kate: Ana! I am in peril!

Ana: Did you break another nail?

Kate: No! My Super Duper Important Meeting is today but I can't do it! Can you go instead of me?

Ana: I dunno, I need to study for finals and-

Kate shows Ana her boobs

Ana: Yes Kate. Whatever you say Kate.

We also get an age for Grey (twenty seven, because I KNOW you wanted to know!) and then Ana is off to work, thinking “Oh good I can still make my shift!” So now we're off to work with Ana to Claytons, a home hardware store where she has worked all through university and even though she's a good Hard Worker who has learned a bit of everything she's crap at DIY (that's my Dad's foray! Because he has a penis!) because all she ever wants to do is curl up with a book by the fire place! Boooooring.

“Ana! I thought you weren’t going to make it today.”

“My appointment didn’t take as long as I thought. I can do a couple of hours.”

“I’m real pleased to see you.”” YOU SAID EARLIER THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU MADE GOOD TIME GETTING BACK! What the hell kind of staffing do they have here? I get that Ana is SUCH a hard working Good Girl, and the text is just trying to beat that into our heads. Why did it have to be here and not somewhere where it could serve an actual plot point? Or just come up later when she inevitably has to go to work because she'll run into Grey? I guess Ana has a fairly low key, unimportant can be moved around sort of job to explain the staffing being so lax? Yup. Restocking shelves today. And then she goes back home. No, really. That's it. I have no idea why this scene is in here. To show that Ana is still thinking about Grey, even though she really doesn't want to? To show how hard working Ana is? How selfless she is? Arg. Anyways, that's it, then back home to Kate tearing into her mini-disk (do people actually still use those?).

We are “treated” to an exchange between Ana and Kate where Kate is all “Why didn't you let him show you around he obvs wants to touch you where you pee” and Ana is all “Noooooo! He is important and in control and lady boners personified! He wouldn't be into me!” and then bites her lip. WE GET IT SHE IS BASED ON STEWART'S BELLA SWAN! Arrgggg!

Kate keeps pestering her about what a hunk Grey is and come on Ana you MUST think something because even though Ana doesn't care about boys usually, Grey is worth caring about and he's OBVS into you! It's worth caring about men who are interested in you when they are rich because they can buy you things. You can't see it, but my eyes are rolling. A lot of this is already touched on, or could have been earlier. More repeating of what she said earlier... Then working on her essay about Tess of the D’Urbervilles and says she was born in the wrong place at the wrong time. I at first thought this was just a random classic literature drop to try to make this seem classy, but then hit Wikipedia to see if I should be keeping an eye open for any themes to pop up later. So, spoiler, the quick and dirty about it is a girl, Tess, get's raped by a skeeze, Alec, knocked up, and the kid dies. She baptizes it herself and names if Sorrow. No, really. Then she takes off to work as a milk maid and falls in love and gets married to a dude named Angel. She at first doesn't tell him about her past, and when she does he's disgusted and they parted. Tess falls upon more hard times, and then a reformed Alec turns up and convinces her, after a long amount of time of Angel being absent, and repeated attempts, to become his mistress. Eventually Angel turns up and is all “SORRY!” and she is, too. He leaves at her request, and then she murders Alec and runs to his side. They have some happy wandering for a bit until the police catch up to them and she's sentenced to death, but she has been understood and loved as a person by the end so she's okay with it, I guess?

I'm going to assume the choice was to make Ana looks smart and well read, and not have any significance. Unless Grey is supposed to be Alec in that he ultimately controlled Tess's fate and there is no Angel? That would be surprisingly dark for an erotic fan fic. Fingers crossed? Fingers crossed.

We get a time skip, and a quick intro to Mom where we are told, not shown, that she is irresponsible and flighty through mention of her having a new business venture every week and is on husband number four. This book isn't even trying to hide the fact that it's Twilight fanfiction. I expected at least some change, but nope. Oh, and we get another “YOU NEED TO BE MORE INTERESTED IN MEN” which fundamentally bothers me. I think women, fictional or not, should be allowed a disinterest in romance. Kid's about the graduate university, move, and try to find her first real job. If it were my kid I would expect her to be too preoccupied with OH SHIT WHAT IS GOING ON to be thinking about booooyyysss. We then get told that her “Dad” is actually Ray, husband number two, who's last name she has. I admit I'm now really curious about birth-father. Abusive, or dead. Place your bets. Ray does not speak when his step-daughter calls him. He grunts to her gentle coaxing, and she tells us he does manly sports type things and is the reason she knows her way around her hardware job. Okay? Again, I'm reading this and wondering.... Why? Why is this in the book? Or at least, why is it here in the book. I get that the author wants to introduce us to everyone, but we don't need to meet the whole cast in the first few chapters. That said, I will give credit where credit is due. We see Ana's world is bigger then her love interest, and potential rivals. She has family that she cares about, she has friends, she works. I still think she's flat and boring, but I appreciate the attempts on the authors side to make her a little more real.

Right, Friday night, and now we meets Jacob Jose, who she met at the start of university and her daddy and his daddy are friends and he's an engineer with an eye for photography, and he's got champagne and is all excited because his hobby photography is going to be on display in one of the galleries! He's “cute and funny” with burning dark eyes. He's later called “all shoulders and muscles and tanned skin with dark hair. YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT THIS IS TWILIGHT I HATE YOU. We are then told he's into Ana, but she just isn't interested. Again, WHY IS THIS SCENE HERE? We're going to meet Mr. Shoulders again, why not have him be excited about his photography exhibit then rather then just randomly info dumping him on us? We also get this gem dropped. Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene. Kate, I hate you. No, seriously. There is no such gene, and anyone who has it should be on meds because they are crazy and co-dependant. I'm also curious, first chapter Ana keeps correcting herself on calling her Kate, and switching to Katherine, but in chapter two we see her being called Katherine a lot more. Which considering how tripped up she was over NOT calling her Kate last chapter strikes me as really odd. Anyways, Ana goes on about how maybe something's wrong with her because she's never felt the knee trembling butterflies, and lies to herself about feeling that way about Grey. ANA NO IT'S TOO EARLY FOR STOCKHOLM SYNDROME! 

Then it cuts to work the next day with mention that she's been having dreams about more penetrating grey eyes. HE'S EYE FUCKING HER IN HER SLEEP OH GOD. Right, we're back to work, and now ZOMG GREY HAS TURNED UP! CALLED IT! And His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something. Or something? Even your inner monolog is embarrassed about this shit Ana. Also, gonna put this out there, but melted dark chocolate fudge caramel would be either tragic or sticky, not warm and husky.

So, Grey continues to glamor/enthrall Ana for a bit as she stands there staring blankly and blushing at him because He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking. Yup. A slight frown mars Grey’s rather lovely brow. He might be the epitome of male beauty, but his eyebrows are just rather lovely. Alright, so, I don't want to judge this book for being heavy on the female gaze, when I meet boys who I think just walked out of my dirty fantasies, I get distracted, too. I also get that we are in a young girl's head, and daaaaayyymmm. It's just... I feel hit over the head by it. She isn't being distracted by the way his brow furrows, something about that being graceful, his brow is just rather lovely. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to write enraptured female gaze, make her seem actually enraptured. You don't think “that's quite lovely” when you're enthralled (he is totally using vampire magic on her, I don't care if that doesn't come up in text or not, it makes too much sense to not be true) you catch onto things like movement, or bends, or color, or, well, almost anything but “also lovely”. We've also totally lost our narrator to her lady-boner, which makes for surprisingly dull reading. I mean, this thing is supposedly erotica. She couldn't be thinking about how she wants him to throw her against the duct tape display and ravish her right then and there? She couldn't be thinking about how she wants to run her tongue along his chest, tasting- you get the idea. I don't object to the female gaze it's self, I object to when it's lame. 

Anyways, Grey is smirking at Ana as she tries to do her job and help him find what ever nonsense he's there looking for. He smirks, bemused at her every little silly foolish girl movement and her inner monolog is fiercely fighting it's self all the while. She regrets looking at him because he's sooooo pretty just looking at him makes her blush. There's a lot of blushing going on right now. They keep mumbling and murmuring at each other as he selects his ties with a “These will do,” he says with his oh-so-secret smile, and I blush. What the fuck is an oh-so-secret smile? Does he hide behind a book or something to smirk? He then asks for masking tape, and despite her gentle (so far) prodding isn't telling her what it's for. I'm gonna guess bondage? He accidentally touches her and she, again, gasps. From a finger brush, and gets that crotch tug ZOMG BONER feeling which, from a finger brush, is impressive. He then asks for rope. Oh God. HE IS BUYING ROPE, TAPE, AND ZIP TIES AND YOU ARE NOT CALLING THE POLICE?! HE HAS SOMEONE TIED UP IN HIS BASEMENT! Also, just going to throw this out there, but don't they make bondage gear that is meant for these things to avoid hurting people? Dudes loaded, he doesn't need to be doing this "I buy my bondage gear at the hardware store" thing, and he could just buy it online, too, if he was that worried about being seen buying kinky sex toys.

They banter a bit more, he comes onto her, and she's no longer uncomfortable about all his intense stares, but just has a raging lady boner. He asks about the article and Ana mentions that Kate wanted a picture, and Grey volunteers to a photo shoot and gives her his cell if she can find a photographer (LIKE YOUR OTHER BFFF JACOB JOSE!). Then Paul, her bosses baby brother (who's her age?) turns up and is super duper friendly and touchy with her while Grey stares on, watching like a hawk. She introduces the two and Grey is cold and petty. So, he is jealous. From watching Ana greet a friend who she hardly sees/her bosses brother who she probably can't tell to fuck off. She mentions that he's the bosses baby brother, and he isn't around much, so Grey knows this. So far I find my favorite character being the pantsless blond receptionist from chapter one, and black dude in a suit with dread locks. They need more page time.

He's then weird as he pays, peaces out with a comment about being glad Kate was plagued for the interview, and Ana comes out with Okay – I like him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings anymore. Because, you know, the five days it has been since she first met him, that's a long time to be lying to yourself about these sorts of things when you met a dude once. She then goes on to lament that she doesn't stand a chance and will admire him from afar. Or not that far when she sees him at a maybe photo shoot tomorrow. So she declares intention to stalk/have a celebrity crush?

And that brings us to the end of chapter two. Disjointed, awkward, boring, and could be about eighty percent shorter. Seriously. Give us one scene with Kate grilling Ana, then have Jose pop in to introduce him being a photographer then send Ana to work where Grey turns up. That could have been the whole chapter. The rest of it was just variations of Ana being a thirteen year old girl denying her crush? Totally unnecessary. I haven't had to start drinking yet, but I don't see that lasting much longer kids.

50 shades of Grey, chapter 1

Okay, let's start. Hm, not a good sign that they say that a sequel is in the works before the start of the book. That's like saying “NO NO THIS IS SO AWESOME YOU'LL WANT TO KEEP READING NO WORRIES WE'RE ON IT!” or “THE AUTHOR IS SLOPPY SO THIS BOOK WON'T HAVE A PROPER ENDING” I am also being told that this is not a real story when it describes it's self as a supernatural romance with a twist, again, in just those first few junk pages. Not a good start.

...Dedicated “For Niall. The Master of my universe” I'm getting scared. Oh, this is her husband. ... I'm going to hold off on a snarky comment about feminism because if this is BDSM then this could be fair play, but I want you to know that I'm holding it in.

Okay. Opening up with a our unnamed narrator fighting with her hair and given an incredibly simple and generic description (light brown hair, too big blue eyes) and she's peeved that her room mate has fallen prey to the plague and now has to go drive to Seattle (yay! We're getting a setting!) to meet, and I quote “the enigmatic CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc ” for an interview in her place ... Didn't you just say that you had never heard of this dude like, three lines ago narrator? I AM SUSPECT!

Okay, we meet the sickly room mate (and BFFF (they are so close they get an extra F.)) Kate. Kate is sickly and can hardly speak, and she explains to us why it is SO IMPORTANT that Ana (she has a name now! Yay!) does this interview for her. We're also told how super duper pretty and awesome and wonderful she is, and the writer does a decent job of setting up the that our narrator is a Nice Girl because even bitter about having to do this interview, she's still medicating and making soup for her sick BFFF (say it with me now, “Awwww”). Except, well, if this super duper wonderful BFFF Kate is the editor of the school paper, wouldn't she have OTHER reporters to call upon rather then her room mate? You know, people who actually KNOW how to do this? The narrator is telling us how wonderful and super awesome Kate is (she's even hot sick!) but, well, Kate is seeming a bit like a jerk to me here.

She's sick, and has her room mate fussing over her (making soup, fetching medication) and going to this ZOMG SUPER HUGE IMPORTANT interview for her. Why not get another one of her reporters to do it? Is she afraid they won't let her write the story and all the hard work to GET the interview will be for nothing? Why not do it over the phone? We're told her voice is raspy and awful, but you know what? When I was 12 I managed to do competitive public speaking in front of a crowd full of strangers with no voice*, I think she could manage a phone interview rather then throwing her BFFF under the bus even if she was rasping. She also says “And thanks Ana – as usual, you’re my lifesaver.” Which to me means that Kate is often throwing Ana into these obscene situations because she knows Ana will go along with it. So, narrator, I am not believing you when you say Kate is super duper awesome. She sounds like kind of a jerk to me so far. So I'm going to put my bets on Ana being in secret love with her, and Kate totally knows and uses it to manipulate her. Fingers crossed for a threesome later in the series!

Still, I'm being a picky jerk. This is all just to get Ana and the male lead (the “enigmatic CEO” obvs) introduced so that they can bone, right? Let's keep reading.

"It’s early, and I don’t have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon.” time for a nice and relaxed drive in Kate's borrowed sporty Mercedes! And by “relaxed” the Ana “puts the pedal to the medal” “It’s a quarter to two when I arrive, greatly relieved that I’m not late” WHAT? You were just talking about how the roads were empty, you were speeding, and talking like you had time to kill. CONTINUITY. THIS IS IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH GUYS!

You know, some libraries were saying they didn't want to carry Fifty Shades of Grey because of the level of writing in this book. I thought that was a bit strange. I mean, I've read “Dick and Jane”. There's nothing special about those pros, but, well, “She’s wearing the sharpest charcoal suit jacket and white shirt I have ever seen.” I've read this line about seven times. It took me about six times for that sentences to read right to me. It still leaves me with Questions about this receptionist that was just described. Is she naked from the waist down? Also, is her suit jacket made of razors and pointy things?

Moving on. ... We just got the narrator's full name. Anastasia Steele. Fuck.

Alright, so, I'm just going to throw this up here. She smiles kindly at me, amused no doubt, as I sign in. And why is our receptionist amused at Anastasia Steele? Is it because she has a ridiculous name? Because if I were named Anastasia Steele I would be self conscious about that. However, despite seeming super sensitive to what people are thinking about her, Ana doesn't seem to notice the name thing (maybe it will come up later?) but no, she thinks that the receptionist is amused at her despite a kindly smile because the receptionist is so pristine and Ana's hair is falling out of her pony tail and she's dressed not super office-y, but in a skirt, with boots and a sweater! I don't think Ana here and I are going to be friends :(

Ugh. Now she's self conscious because the security guards are better dressed then her in their suits. Okay, I get that we're supposed to get that Ana is a fish out of water here at this super fancy building, and that everyone and thing here is all the fancy all the time. I get that. And yet I still feel that now that you have a visitor badge with ANASATIA STEELE written on it, she should have bigger things to be hung up on.

“The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor.” ALL TERMINAL VELOCTY MEANS IS THAT YOU ARE MOVING AT A CONSTANT SPEED DETERMINED BY THE WHEIGHT OF THE OBJECT AND USUALLY REFERS TO DOWNWARD MOVEMENT AND YOU ARE GOING UP!

“...inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography. I know nothing about this man I’m about to interview. He could be ninety or he could be thirty.” Then how did you know he was enigmatic Ana? J'ACUSE! Seriously though, while Kate was convincing her and she said “But I don't know anything about him!” Kate didn't give her a quick and dirty break down? Another point in favor of my “Kate's a jerk” theory! Or at very least way less awesome and together as the text is trying to make her sound. Earlier they mention that she lends Ana her Mercedes. ... She's a college student what the living hell is she doing with a Mercedes?! Maybe Kate is the girlfriend of a mob boss?

Still, I bet I can guess what this guy looks like. I mean, he is a vampire right? I'm going to say he looks to be mid twenties have... Hmm, thick dark hair, with intense grey eyes (since she has the blue, and his name is Grey), a strong jaw, and a smirk. Oh, and tall and well toned. Let's not forget tall and well toned.

Ana has a guess, too! “Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned, and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel.” I wanna add “pale as fuck” to my above list now. Also we have not heard a peep about facial hair thus far, so not sure how that is matching. If the blond receptionist had a beard, I don't think Ana would feel so self conscious about being Such! A! Slob! Also, can vampires grow facial hair?

“Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door to the right. What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.” Because your author couldn't think of a better way to Other you. You couldn't have been anything other then pasty white (no, we haven't been told she is yet, but if she were not-white we'd have her feeling out of place for other reasons).

“when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads exits. ” The male lead is a black dude with dreads?! AWESOME! ”He turns and says through the door. “Golf, this week, Grey.”" Tease.

"I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office.

Double crap – me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are around me helping me to stand. I am so em­barrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow – he’s so young.

Okay, so, a few things here. First, I actually like the phrase double crap. Second, are we not even trying to hide the fact that this is supposed to be Bella Swan from Twilight? OH NO I AM ACCIDENT PRONE *trips/faints/pratfalls into the arms of nearest attractive male who falls hopelessly in love with her* I want to see the heroin of one of these books who is both “common looking” AND has cat like grace.

Also, guys, are you as shocked as I am that Grey, the super important man with an army of Perfect Blonds is shockingly young? I mean, who else is going to have a blond only hiring policy?

“So young – and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice.” CALLED IT! Well, no smirk. Yet. Also, get it, he wears grey and has grey eyes BECAUSE OF HIS NAME LOLOLOLOLOL pleasekillme.

“If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle." HAH HOPE YOU ENJOY BEING RELATED TO MONKEYS BECAUSE DUDE'S LIKE 100! You know, I want to see a vampire who has a very specific number for age. I want to meet one who's 147. And celebrates his birthday (or death day? Which would a vampire celebrate?). Also we are now told that Kate and Ana study English, and go to Washington state, if you were wondering.

I will give the author some points here. She has been giving us setting and little things about the characters in ways that aren't super intrusive. Yes, we got the I AM LOOKING IN A MIRROR for the opening to describe Ana, but, well, at least she didn't go on to say “I AM 21 AND STUDYING ENGLISH AND MY BFFF IS KATE WHO IS ALSO STUDYING ENGLISH AND WE LIVE TOGETHER AND SOMETIMES I SNEAK INTO HER ROOM AT NIGHT AND SMELL HER”.

“I think I see the ghost of a smile in his expression, but I’m not sure.” Can I count that as a smirk?

Okay, and everything in the building as been steel and sandstone and glass so far. Grey's office, however, is “In front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, there’s a huge modern dark-wood desk that six people could comfortably eat around. It matches the coffee table by the couch. Everything else is white – ceiling, floors, and walls except, on the wall by the door, where a mosaic of small paintings hang, thirty-six of them arranged in a square. They are exquisite – a series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in such precise detail they look like photographs. Displayed together, they are breathtaking.” All. White. Sterile, surgical. Has anyone ever spent any large amount of time in an all white room? I feel like it would drive you insane. Like looking at a Great Old One. Also, holy crap, how fast do you COUNT Ana? Thirty-six. Just that quickly. They're not just a series arranged, there are thirty-six arranged.

"Next, I set up the mini-disc recorder and am all fingers and thumbs, dropping it twice on the coffee table in front of me. Mr. Grey says nothing, waiting patiently – I hope – as I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered." That is a task that sounds like it NEEDS mostly fingers and thumbs, Ana. Also, I want to point this out. Before, with all the blonds, she was being giggled and laughed at in her mind, now that it's the “Adonis” Mr. Christian Grey he's, by her perception, being patient. If I turn this into a drinking game, I'm going to add “every time Ana assumes what people are thinking about her and is likely wrong” to the list. Yup, a little further down, he's suppressing a smile OR SMIRKING?! No? Not yet. I'll get that last point, God Damn it!

Ana fumbles around with the tape recorder some more, and then once it's all set up asks Grey if he minds her recording it, he snarks her with “After you’ve taken so much trouble to set up the recorder – you ask me now?” and I admit, I kind of like this exchange. I was sad when after she freezes and panics because OMG PRETTY BOY I AM SO FLUSTERED AND CUTE! Seriously, she's a university senior about to graduate, even though she's not supposed to be feminine, it strikes me as strange that she'd still get THIS flustered just because he's pretty. Oh, God, they're setting her up to be a virgin for him to deflower, aren't we? Ugh.

Okay, some more actually kind of fun banter (from him, that is) and we find out he's giving out the degrees at the graduation ceremony she's about to attend. ... Wait, isn't that usually just faculty? Or is this just an American thing? She then starts reading Kate's questions. "His smile is rueful, but he looks vaguely disappointed." BECAUSE HE EXPECTED A MORE INTERESTING QUESTION OUT OF YOU ANA! DUH! HE ONLY CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! SCRAP KATE'S QUESTIONS QUICK! OTHERWISE HE WON'T LIKE YOU! Ahem. Sorry about that.

Be pauses and fixes me with his gray stare. “My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail." LIKE HE WILL IN MAKING YOU HIS LOVE SLAVE. 
 

“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list – but he’s so arrogant. His eyes flare momentarily in surprise" OH SNAP. We then get this “You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. ... So seconds ago she was all ZOMG PRETTY BOY I AM FLUSHED AND AWKWARD and before that she was freaking out because all she knew was he was this big shot CEO guy. Everything we have seen of Ana so far as been trying to paint her as a Nice Timid Shy Girl. Now she's calling him a control freak (he doesn't deny this, and then distracts her with some hawt lower lip stroking action). She has totally abandoned the questions Kate gave her/wanted for her article, by the way, and we barely made it one in. Or at least, I think she has? The narration is unclear here.

"“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things,” he continues, his voice soft." What the double-crap does this even mean? This strikes me as creepy. I know it's supposed to be setting us up for “HE'S INTO BDSM” but, well, this just strikes me as the type of logic that people used for keeping slaves. It's just drenched in entitlement. Also, I dislike the stereotype that BDSM** relationships have total control in them like this. There's still a level of respect in the relationship it's self, even if the sex is all about control, and in the end, the Sub has the safe word to bring everything to a screeching halt, and if they don't, I can't imagine that they'd stick around. Just sayin'.

The interview continues, and Grey is being a rich, spoiled, and entitled, and Ana flips between ZOMG PRETTY and “You are an arrogant douche”. We're also getting hints of sexy tiemz to come dropped in with “wicked thoughts” in his eyes. He keeps making Ana uncomfortable with his intense gazes. I feel this is important for another reason. She isn't “I am uncomfortable because my raging boner is making it hard to sit” he is making her authentically uncomfortable with his pointed, intense stares. She goes back to Kate's questions at this point.

"“Possibly. Though there are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.”

“Why would they say that?”

“Because they know me well.” His lip curls in a wry smile."

Fuck you. Sorry, had to get that out there.

"“Would your friends say you’re easy to get to know?” And I regret the question as soon as I say it. It’s not on Kate’s list." Really? How many questions have you asked that aren't by now Ana? Of the seven questions you've asked, five have been your own, haven't they? No, really, I'm not sure, the narration is unclear about this.

"his penetrating gaze" See? He's just sitting there eye chaining her up and busting out the whips!

"“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”

He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions?" I would imagine because he can see the questions in your lap and that you are reading them since he's already eye spanking you? Although seriously Kate, your questions are awful. They've been getting more and more personal, and Grey's been getting more and more terse. Ana is apparently unable to read them in her mind really quickly while Grey answers, and is just reading them blindly. I dunno about you, but with a question as short as “are you gay?” I think I may have absorbed what I was about to say before actually uttering the phrase. Maybe that's just me though. Either way, this whole interview is just a pile of awkward and eye bondage. Either way, Ana stammers out a “sorry I didn't write these” which leads to her being outed as not being on the paper at all, but being drafted, against her will, by Kate who is sick. Then Blond Number Two (as the text has called her) gives Grey a “next meeting two minutes” and he tells her to trash it, he's not done with this fresh piece of ass.

Alright, the tables are turned, and Ana drops another double-crap as he declares that since she's gotten to ask him things he now gets to ask her things, it is “only fair”. ... What? You're cancelling some big important business meeting to poke and prod some girl? If I were Ana, I would have stood up, said “Thank you for your time, but I've actually gotten all I need, and I would just feel terrible if you cancelled your meeting because of me!” and then ran. Very fast. Then again, I'd make a terrible harlequin lead.

So, he grills her on her plans and such a little and mentions the internship program there (so he's offering a job to the chick he OBVIOUSLY wants to bang. Classy. Sorry, I'm sure he just finds her “interesting”) and then they wrap up and she peaces out. In what MUST be less then two minutes. Which means he really didn't need to cancel his meeting. Unless he REALLY needs to wank after this meeting? We also get that she has a long drive home in the rain, so, I imagine that Ana is about to total Kate's car or something.

Alright, so he sees her OUT of the office, puts her coat on her, and presses the elevator button for her and waits with her (NOT LIKE DREADLOCK DUDE!) because she is Special and the author needs us to know that. Sigh. She, meanwhile, is anxious to get far, far away from him, and totally forgets that he's handing out her diploma and is all YAY NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN but you WILL and he will be INSIDE you Ana. It's best if you just come to terms with this now.

And that's chapter one! I deem it an awkward start, and we have friction between the two leads, which is good, but I wish the author had tried to be a little more subtle (or diverse) about what a boner magnet Grey is. Also, I find Grey kinda creepy so far. So far I hate the whole cast though, so that's a good sign. Hope you kids enjoyed reading this, and if you have any thoughts/suggestions/comments, I'd love to read them!

* And I still placed! Had I been able to actually talk, I would have OWNED that thing!

** I admit to not being incredibly knowledgeable on the topic of BDSM and the relationships dynamics that go with it, so if anyone has a resource or wants to give me a crash course on it so I can go into this better informed, that would be lovely.

Announcing a Bad Idea!

Alright, imaginary people reading this! I have a confession to make. I am deeply, totally hopelessly in love with Ana Mardoll and her blog (that link over there <- click it. Do it now.). She's smart, funny, and mind blowingly insightful. She runs a series of deconstructions, which are thought provoking and interesting and really, just go read the whole thing now. I'll wait.

Right, so, why am I gushing about Ana in a post called "announcing a bad idea!"? Well, I've decided to run my own series of deconstructions. However, I expect mine to run more among the lines of Mark reads Twilight then Ana reading Twilight. Still, consider this the announcement of Erika Reads Fifty Shades of Grey!

Yes, I'm picking up a Twilight inspired erotica to pick apart/weep at. Or get awkward boners from. We'll see. I'll make one post per chapter per week (I will tentatively slot this for Thursday) and I pinky swear to not read ahead.

So, why Fifty Shades of Grey? I wanted to pick something that was popular, and being made a huge deal out of at the moment, and that I hadn't seen getting the deconstruction treatment in the blogs I frequent. There is a fair bit of "controversy" about this book and it's BDSM tones. Because of the sexual nature of the book, some libraries are refusing to carry it (or trying not to). There is enough attention being given to this book that I'm sure there are people out there who want to know what's going on with it without actually having to read the thing themselves! So, stay tuned and come back next Thursday for the first chapter!

Fattism from the point of view of a Skinny Bitch

So, I will put a disclaimer in here: I fit into what society deems conventionally "attractive" for women. I've got big breasts, big butt, a small waist, and long hair. This fact has left me feeling really awkward about the issue of fattisim. Or rather, my right to speak about it. I haven't had to work for my figure, and have never BEEN fat, so it's, well, harder for me to relate. So, I guess I'll start with the obvious. 

Yes, fattism is a thing. I won't try to get into the thick of the issue it's self when it has already been done, and much better, elsewhere, but I will try to sum it up. North America is a very... Visual, society, that tends to make all sorts of fun judgements based on looks. It used to be race, but now that's Not Okay, so people have moved onto weight, I guess? I know people who have actually uttered the phrase "I hate fat people. They're disgusting" I'm disappointed in myself for just staring in shock, or laughing nervously rather then flipping the table and screaming at them "ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!" and I imagine most of you are on board with me for that one. It's easy to crap your pants over someone being that overtly awful, but there is a much more innocuous line that people use to spread their hate. One that I am guilty of uttering myself.

"But what about the health risks?" I mean, EVERYONE knows that fat people are unhealthy and going to get diabetes, have high blood pressure, and smell bad! They should just loose the weight! It's not hard! Just some self control and exercise, right? Actually, no. Loosing weight, or maintaining a "healthy" weight (I won't even GET into the BS that BMI is) isn't as easy as skinny people who have fast metabolisms seem to think it is. There is also the assumption that being fat means you have no self control, and are unhealthy. Or if you're fat and unhealthy, that you're unhealthy BECAUSE you're fat, and on THAT, I would like to call bull shit.

Now, imaginary reader, you're may be thinking "But there IS a weight issue!" and that all that icky fat is going to HURT OUR HEALTH SYSTEM. Now, I'm Canadian, and well aware of how strained our health system already is, and would like to see it NOT be strained further, but telling people that they're gross, that their an epidemic, and treating them as less then human isn't going to help anything. It only hurts and shames people, and nothing productive ever got done from shaming.

So, what should we do? Is it okay to start saying it's OK to be fat? "WHAT IF MORE PEOPLE START GETTING FAT BECAUSE OF IT!??!?!" And to that person I say "It's okay to be what ever the fuck you are" but there is the ugly little issue that increased weight causes increased health issues (which people who are heavier are well aware of and don't need you telling them), and it is THAT we should work on, not by going around shaming people for not fitting into an impossible ideal that movies and tv and magazines push. So, how do we work on health rather then body image? Isn't working on body image going to encourage them to GET healthy? No, it really isn't. Make it easier to be healthy. That will get people to be healthy. We need a food and fitness revolution, and badly. We need there to be easy, healthy, cheap food readily available. We need clear food labeling, less artificial ingredients, and we need fitness to leave the gyms and become something that is social and fun.

We also need to widen our definition of "healthy". What good is being skinny and fitting into what society deems "attractive" when you've been conditioned to hate your body no matter what you look like? There's more to health then weight, and when people scream "FAT IS UGLY AND YOU ARE UNHEALTHY" they forget that so is depression. So is bulimia, and anorexia, and the self loathing that can come from body issues that are fueled by things like people telling you you're fat, and the obscene portrayals of the human body in media. Obesity isn't the epidemic, it's narrow minded thinking that treats whole sects of the population like they're not people that is.

Sunday Random - Ask Erika!

So I felt that I proved I was The Best at relationships with my "How to pick up women" post and encouraged you guys to ask me questions. You were all clearly in such awe at my genius that not a single one of you did. That's fine, I understand. So rather then make up questions, I made the offer to FaceBook, and here are some of the questions I was asked!

Steve asks,

What is it like to be dating a Wookie?

I have a confession to make. The Boy is a wookie. Dating a wookie is a lot like dating a normal boy. They're hairy, smell a little funky, can reach ALL THE THINGS and open any jar you throw at them (even if it's by smashing it on the counter) plus because they're so fuzzy they're super cuddly! I just wish he didn't smell like wet dog when ever he gets caught in the rain...

 Helga Hoshigawa-Florentin asks,
 
What is the best possible way to say to tell a gal that you'd really appreciate it if she'd trim her lady garden? Women have all sorts of hangups about the coochies (mostly because society and advertising are genuinely trying to convince them that they're gross, and I recognize that). Sometimes you just would like - for whatever reason - a little maintenance down there, but you don't want to make someone feel dirty/gross about it.

Some options are:
Make it worth her while. "I want to give you more sexy oral sexing but I keep getting your hair in my teeth! I don't mind the bush, but it makes oral sexings harder."
Just be happy you're touching a girl's coochie! If you're mean to it, it may bite you.
Ask her to do something specific and kinda crazy. Like fashion it into a Mohawk and dye it green! If it's a specific request, not just "maintenance" you can pass it off as kink!
Wax her in her sleep! When she wakes up and asks you why, just say you were trying to do her a favor by taking one thing off of her busy schedule!
Buy her a gift card for a bikini wax. Everyone loves gift cards!
Offer to let her groom your jungle if you can groom hers! Then you can get creative and fashion her bush into a swan or something

Who wouldn't want that staring at them?

LaKolton McRaeshawn asks,

What happens if when we're in the bedroom I accidentally the whole thing?

You accidentally murder her. It happens. Just hide the body and act surprised when people say no one has heard from her in a while. 

Ezekiel Misanthrope asks,


Can two men be in love if one of those men is also a hamster and the other is a painting of a cheetah?


They can be in love, but coitus can only happen once.


 Magnus von Eberhardt asks,

What does partner B do when partner A feels the need to take on a problem independently and then projects it's personal problems on to Partner A?


First, I think you need to sit down and think about what sort of a relationship you've gotten yourself into with a person who simply calls themselves "A" and expects you to be "B". Why do they get to be A? If A is insistent about staying A, then perhaps you could become 1?

Partner 1 needs to sits down partner A, and tell them that this shit is Not Cool. A either needs to let 1 in on trying to help with this problem, or stop taking it out on 1. If it is a problem that 1 can't obviously help with (EX: A is a rocket surgeon, while 1 is a taxidermist, and it's a work problem) then A should try to think of other ways 1 could help. Maybe task 1 with finding something fun for them both to do at the end of the day? Like racing turtles! Or small children! You don't need your own kids to race, just borrow some from the local park! It's as easy as buying candy!

Christopher R asks,
How do you know when you're in a necrophiliac relationship? 


This is a question I see a lot of, especially with people afraid the zombie apocalypse will start any day now and that they might accidentally start dating a zombie. It's important to know the signs! So, let's go over the things to keep an eye open for!

Do they move, speak, or have a pulse? If you answered "no" to two or more of these questions, odds are it's necrophilia.
Are they missing appendages? Are they ice cold? Are they covered in insects? If the answer to two or more of these is "yes" then odds are it's necrophilia or will be soon!


I am sure your minds have all been blown. I hope you all send in questions (either through comments or email me at somethingshortandsnappyblog@gmail.com) so I can run this feature again in the future, as I had a lot of fun with it. Comments/Questions/General encouragements are always loved! See that box below? Right there. You type words and then hit a button and then I see the words! Till 50 Shades on Tuesday dear readers!