Erika VS Anita Blake (Burnt Offerings chapter 1-6)

I was in the tenth grade when a friend of mine excitedly handed me the first Anita Blake book. Those of you who know anything about Anita Blake are probably a little alarmed at the idea of a 15-year-old picking it up. The first book isn't that messed up, and actually only ever gets as far as a kiss. The story does not spiral wildly out of control into a non-stop train of orgies and violence (sometimes violent orgies) until further into the series. Those I was definitely too young to be reading, but the first few books were okay.

...I think. It was awhile ago, okay?

Still, I'm curious and afraid, so, I'm grabbing the seventh book in the series, Burnt Offerings, and seeing how badly I get burned reading it. Wow, that joke was awful. I'm so sorry. Not sorry enough to edit it out, but it's close. I'm starting with the seventh because, honestly, why should we all have to shuffle through the less weird and fucked up books when I can probably remember enough to keep us all up on what's going on? Well, maybe not... up, but, you know. Not totally lost.

For those of you who have never heard of the Anita Blake series, it's the prototypical urban fantasy about a necromancer-detective-vampire slayer who is also the (human) female leader of the local werewolves. Well, sort of werewolf Queen? She was boning their "alpha" (or what ever they're called) so he knighted her or some shit? They broke up because he ate a person. Like you do. Listen, I read these books over a decade ago. Give me some slack. Oh, she also has sex with vampires and there are were-critters and stuff. She has sex with those too. The books are also all in first person. Because this blog has apparently not seen enough first person books.

We're dropped in with Anita in some sort of work meeting with a convenient bit of character building that shows her as thoroughly professional and even-tempered.

My right arm had been sliced open twice by a knife. One scar was white and old. The second was still pink and new. My left arm was worse. A mound of white scar tissue sat at the bend of my arm. I'd have to lift weights for the rest of my life or the scars would stiffen and I'd lose mobility in the arm, or so my physical therapist had said. There was a cross-shaped burn mark, a little crooked now because of the ragged claw marks that a shapeshifted witch had given me. There were one or two other scars hidden under my blouse, but the arm really is the worst.

Bert, my boss, had requested that I wear my suit jacket or long-sleeved blouses in the office. He said that some clients had expressed reservations about my ah . . . occupationally-acquired wounds. I hadn't worn a long-sleeved blouse since he made the request. He'd turned the air conditioner up a little colder every day. It was so cold today I had goose bumps. Everyone else was bringing sweaters to work. I was shopping for midriff tops to show off my back scars.

So mature and professional. Then again, her boss also seems like a tosser, so, fight petty with petty I guess. She's in a meeting with a firefighter, McKinnon, who's a friend of her cop-boss, Dolph (not her necromancer boss). McKinnon and Anita get into a pissing contest over who's the manlier man by showing off their scars, until Anita puts an end to it by grabbing the glass off of her desk and maintaining eye contact as she eats the whole thing. There are a lot of pissing contests like this, and honestly, I'm not sure there is ever a time in the series where they don't end with Anita just ending them. We know McKinnon is a tough but good dude because rather than pee on more things, he cuts to the chase of what he wants.

He tells a story about a scary pyrokenetic that went around burning down buildings with people in them and how messy and horrific that was (how he got his scars) before going on to explain he thinks he has another firebug on his hands. It's still early, but he wants to catch this before the bodies start piling up again.  So yeah, Anita isn't officially on this yet, but once people start dying she obviously will be, so, uh, maybe look over the file? Anita, a woman who works with cops in her spare time, shrugs, isn't sure what she can do--pyrokenetics aren't monsters, just people with a rare skill--but she'll look it over. A strange touch of world building, just, yeah, magic happens, it's weird, but, wevs. Then again, if I was shagging a vampire, I would probably have a very different thresh hold for weird.

Before she has a chance, her vampire-slaying apprentice calls. He had been sent to stake some dead bodies that would, in a few days, rise as vampires (it's cool; it was in their will to stake them if this came up).  Basically he's all "Hey mom, can you pick me up from school the hospital" and she's all "Did you lose a fight again? As your slayer mom I'm not mad but I am disappointed; I told you to wear your 'I'm little and cute but I'll fuck you up' shirt until you build up your reputation" and he's all "I'M TWENTY-ONE I'M AN ADULT" and she's like "Do you want me to bring you a juicebox or not?"

He explains that someone tried to get him to stake a vampire but "lost" the paperwork. He refuses, because staking a vampire without paperwork is just murder, which he isn't super keen on. (As opposed to notarised murder, which is fine.) The orderly went looking for it while he went to grab a smoke, but came back to find this woman trying to murder this dude and got mangled with one of his own stakes when he tried to stop her. No one is dead, but this is a handy way to do some world-building and bring new readers up on the setting. She was a member of a splinter group (splintered from what?) called Humans First, which is going around trying to kill vampires like they're abortion providers. There's also Humans Against Vampires who are annoying but operate within the law. There was also a vampire mayor in Michigan who got staked recently, which Humans First is taking credit for. Anita doesn't think they're organized enough to have pulled that off. I assume this will be relevant information later. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Hamilton is just throwing around random world events for funsies. I don't remember if she's actually a good writer or not!

Anita gets her baby sidekick home and tucks him into bed after scolding him for leaving a vampire unattended in a morgue and leaving his vampire murdering kit unattended.

This is why you got mangled, Larry. You're too careless, Larry. You should shoot more people, Larry. Larry, in a great deal of pain, isn't too thrilled with being lectured, but he takes it because what else is he gonna do, get out and walk? His back has been replaced with stitches.

Once he's properly drugged and tucked into bed, Anita returns a call from a mystery number on her pager. I am cackling because googling the number isn't even an option to find out what it is. Also she has a pager. I know, I know, at the time this book came out it was a big deal, but to be honest, I thought pagers were funny when they made sense. Turns out it's a werewolf friend of hers, Stephen, who needs her help. Some were-panther is hurt and he needs her help to keep him from being dragged off by his irresponsible pimp. We get a quick fill in of how things are with the were-panthers: Not Good. (Anita killed their alpha because he was planning to make a snuff film starring the two of them.) It's deeply fucked up, which she owns, and admits she's forcing herself to be blasé about it because otherwise she's gonna lose her shit and she has things to do today still. Like, go make sure no one is pimped irresponsibly, apparently. This series is very pro safe, responsible pimps and sex workers. (Although most of the sex workers we meet are male if memory serves.)

Anita's response to Stephen's phone call is basically "I don't wannaaaaa" and Stephen is like "This guy has the worst pimp, Anita!  STRIPES AND ANIMAL PRINT, ANITA!" and then the villain drops in like "Are you phoning for help?  I have like one rule and it's 'no phoning for help', man" and Stephen begs off with "Please don't violence me I AM A SNUGGLING WOLF not a fighting wolf".  Villainous dude grabs the phone to threaten Anita as well, she yawns for a while and then asks his name (Zane) because she is an old-fashioned lady to likes a proper introduction before she breaks a man.  Zane does some "Grr, I'm a werepanther" posturing, Anita is just "Fool, by hurting my dog you activated my limit break" and hangs up.


She loads her gun with a few lead bullets in preparation. Silver bullets: werekitten is dead. Lead? Just a really bad day. Obviously, telling him "Dude I can literally kill you if I have to so knock this shit off" is not an option, but hurting him is. Anyways, into the hospital we go. Shockingly, Zane is causing shit. He keeps trying to use orderlies as hackeysacks. Not like, murdering anyone, but, you know, really one sided games of catch. She shoots him because hello is for losers, and makes it very clear he needs to stop this shit or she will murder him and feel very little about it. At this point he starts crying, relived that someone has come to be the new alpha of the werepanthers.

That is both my response, and Anita's. She figures if it avoids more people being used for ring toss, she can play along, but this is absurd. She isn't even a were-critter, and also, uh, she's like, the werewolf Queen and also something within the vampire community because now she's riding the local vampire leader on the regular. Also to keep her from exploding or some shit in a previous book the vampire had to mark her, therefore bonding the two and giving her some extra superpowers but also status in the vampire community? If Anita listed all her jobs and supernatural ties on her business card it would need to be two-sided and very small font.

The police come, cart off Zane, and Anita is left in the hospital room with her mangled werewolf friend, Stephen, while marveling at the deeply fucked up shit that happened to Nathaniel (the previously-mentioned werepanther who was being pimped out). I just--I don't even want to summarize it, because I feel like it's gross for the sake of shock value and disgusting, not because it actually adds anything. The only credit I will give is that Anita underlines "It doesn't matter if he's a sex worker, he could still be raped, and that is definitely part of what happened here".

A werewolf reporter pops up to check on Stephen and fill us in on werewolf politics. Richard, Werewolf King and Anita's ex, is out of town working on his Master's degree. While he's gone, since while Anita is Lupa (what they call Werewolf Queen I guess) she is decidedly removed from pack politics, another werewolf has stepped up to the plate to take care of the pups while he's gone. Her name is Sylvie and she is a naturally lovely and kind woman. Hah just kidding. She killed her way into the position to prove a point, and because the werepanthers under their old leader were a sack of shit, she has forbidden the wolves from helping. Cats and dogs, right?

Oh, Sylvie is also planning to like, double murder Richard to become the new Wolf King. We think. Anita still has Feelings for him, even if she made her choice to dump him because he eats people sometimes. For a vampire. Because drinking blood is fine I guess? She's aware that this logic is fucked up. So now she has to bully some werewolves to come watch their mangled friend who broke the rule by helping the pretty boy kitten, and probably have to fight Sylvie to do it. Being a normal human, that fight is going to end in Anita trying to murder her. Anita isn't thrilled with this, but eh, whatcha gonna do? Even Anita is getting concerned at her rapidly dwindling reserve of fucks. (Not the physical kind. She has many of those. So many.)

To keep things moving, Dolph, police dad, comes in to talk to Anita about what the ever-living fuck just happened, and there's this whole scene of them glaring at each other because she's fucking a vampire. He then blames himself for her having to hang out with monsters so much, and wonders if it's his fault, because she does it For Cases. The whole scene is kind of masturbatory, telling us how awesome and tough Anita is, but also that she's Damaged.

"You think like a cop, Anita. It's what makes you good."

"I think like a cop and like a monster. That's what makes me good."

He nodded, closed his notebook and slipped it into an inner pocket of his jacket. "Yeah, that's what makes you good."

THIS IS NOT WRITTEN AS A JOKE OR IRONICALLY, THIS IS ALL BEING PLAYED STRAIGHT. WE GET IT, SHE'S A TINY DELICATE FLOWER WHO BLEEDS MOTOR OIL SHE'S SO TOUGH.

That scene is followed up immediately by some werewolves coming to babysit the injured and a whole show of her being the pack dominant, the Lupa, and accidentally tapping into her ex's power to do it. Her vampire apparently bound them all together to keep them alive last book? (Look, none of us want me to wade through the whole series. Just trust me on that. So we're just going to have to accept some things are going to be question marks.) Anyway, it's the first time she felt his magic since they split, and she can tell even though he's very far away it pissed him the fuck off that she touched him that way. Which pisses her off and... you get the idea. Rage boners all around. The wolves then crawl around on the ground worshiping her a bit, trying to get belly rubs, and a nurse walks in before walking out very quickly.

Tuesdays, right?

This book is going to spend a lot of time with people being submissive to Anita, or her fighting to prove she shouldn't be submissive to them.

Tune in next time for Anita to go on a Hot Date with her vampire boyfriend, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

If anyone has read this series within the last decade and wants to point out anything important I've missed so far, please, chime in in the comments. Or just chat there anyways. It makes me feel good about myself.

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 8, in which they finally start banging.

Alright, so, warning, this is the chapter that they get to the boning, and while I'm not posting anything TOO explicit, I'm putting a NSFW warning here. I mean, I talk about blow jobs and fisting and tickling prostates with egg beaters, so I imagine this blog isn't very SFW to start with, but this chapter has the actual fucking, so, yeah. NSFW. Plus, when you're laughing as hard as I am as I wrote this (or I hope you are. I'm a little drunk, so that could be making me think I'm extra hilarious.) and someone asks you what on EARTH you keep giggling at, you might not want to explain to your cubicle mate that you're reading something making fun of porn. It'll be awkward, so, you've been warned. Continue at your own risk, and delight. Grab a drink kids, this one's going to be fun!

So Grey is freaking out that Ana is a virgin and he didn't know, because he now must sacrifice her to his Dark Lord Satan. Or the in text reason is because “Oh fuck I just showed a virgin my freaky sex room” which was notably missing a sex swing. If you're going to have a kinky sex room wouldn't you have a swing? And maybe a stripper pole? Come on now. So Grey calms down and once again offers Ana an out and she's all “Nah I'm good”. Grey asks some normal questions “Is there any special reason you've never been boned?” We get a confirmation that he actually wasn't her first kiss. She was kissed twice before, though I'm not sure by who. Is she counting Jose?

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”

“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.

“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”

“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there.

“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you re­ally need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense.

That's right, being a virgin is a situation. Still, Grey's not being a total dick hole here. He says he'll hold off on all the rigid rules and craziness and ease her into it so she can decide what she's going into because hot DAMN does he want a piece of her pasty mousy ass (hey, she calls herself mousy first!). He also keeps reiterating “I'm not going to push it do what you feel comfortable with.” which I'm going to assume is part of his black magic powers. The real reason he wants to bang her – NOW – is so he doesn't have to tie her to the cross in her dungeon to sacrifice her to his Dark Lord. So she consents after some lip nibbling to go to bed with him and they wander across the giant apartment to his bedroom. And then we get into the sex scene. I'm torn on how to handle this, do I put up the whole kit-and-caboodle and make this post totally NSFW? Do I just put excerpts to give you guys a feeling for it? No, I'm going to post single out of context lines. Why? Because it's funnier this way, and I can't imagine them doing anything too crazy this time around.

“Ah,” I groan.

Because you need to verify that “ah” is what you're groaning.

He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.

Because James' editors refused to let her use the word “peepee”.

“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress.

His room IS decorated with aquatic themes, so maybe he just really enjoys him some fish? Also, I dunno about you, but I don't usually have the presence of mind to be all “Okay, blanket, floor” unless I'm tripping over it.

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.

I get that this is the tender love making scene, but “can't wait to be inside you”? Couldn't go for “I can't wait to fuck you so hard you won't be able to form a full sentence for a week”?

“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”

I shake my head.

“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

Are you ready for Ana's first orgasm?! Because I sure am! BRING ON THE ORAL SEX!

Oh… I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him.

“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”

IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR TRAINING! Hey, he did say he'd “train” her earlier. Also, again with the baby. It seems... Wrong, from him. That said, I've always found “baby” or “babe” a weird and creepy term of endearment, as there is something totally unsexy about being a baby to me. It does play into him not wanting a woman but a girl he can control and play dress up with. Also, dude, don't you... You know, WANT her to move? No one wants to bang a dead fish unless- Oh God.

...and my nipples harden under his steady gaze....

... “Very nice,” he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more....

...and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.

This is all within a paragraph and a half. Nipples really can only get so hard. I'm sorry, James, but nipples can't cut glass. Do we need to sit down and have the talk many fan fiction writers need about how sex and anatomy actually work?

Wait, wait, time for Ana's first orgasm! Are you guys excited? I'm excited.

“Oh… please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me?

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces. He kisses me, deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries.

Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and awe on mine.

High-five Ana! Now you're a woman! Although she just had her first orgasm just from him playing with her nipples. I know that's actually a thing that can happen. There ARE women out there, but they are far and few between. So, bets on how many times Ana is going to orgasm this sack session? I'm going to guess three.

“You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that, and it’s going to be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again.

Wait, isn't being super responsive a GOOD thing? Or is he afraid that she'll be raw and sore too quickly? :/

His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez.

Jeez?! That is your response to pending finger banging when you're still positively dripping? When you were begging for it moments ago?

“You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more.

Vagina is there but clitoris, that's fine.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow… He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.”

And you wanted to give Kate the safe sex talk? I don't think you're qualified for that, Ana.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.

No, Grey, you're supposed to be gentle with the first thrust, and THEN you build up to the rough thrusting. This? This would just hurt like a bitch, even with some rough finger blasting first.

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

I just want to take a moment to revel in this for a moment. “Rips through my virginity”. I'm not the only one who burst out laughing at this, right? Please tell me I'm not alone on this one. Again, sounds less sexy, more hilariously uncomfortable. She totally just yelled “argh” during, too. Awesome.

I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me.

Want to know what would have let you acclimatize better Ana? Had he gone in slowly to start with and built up speed, rather then BAM and NOW we go sloooowly in and out, him double checking between each thrust. Don't get me wrong, no issue with a quick entrance here, but she IS a virgin, and, ow. I remember my first time. It lasted about 15 minutes, which is about as much as I was able to handle at that point because while it wasn't a ZOMG OW (because he was, you know, gentle because HEY I WAS A VIRGIN! Funny that.) and then about twenty minutes after that we went again to much better results. Go team? Anyways, I always see “feeling full” being used to describe a good dicking, but, I'm not the only one who's never ever wanted to use that phrase to describe their sexual encounters, right? "Full" sounds uncomfortable.I think of being bloated from eating too much.

He moves slowly at first, easing himself in and out of me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his.

WHY DID YOU NOT START WITH THAT?!?! You want to “train” her then this is the way to start, not “okay, on three...” So we get some more generic they fucking and then time for Ana's second orgasm!

I start to stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my… I didn’t know it would feel like this… didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only sensation... only him... only me… oh please… I stiffen.

“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me.

BUT YOU ALREADY SHATTERED WHICH MEANS HE'S JUST EJACULATING ONTO A PILE OF BITS! Man, I feel so sorry for his cleaning lady. Then again, he DOES have a dungeon, so... I guess this isn't much new for her. Okay, so, two orgasms. I was off.

“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.

“You are asking me if you hurt me?”

“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically. “Seriously, are you okay?” His eyes are intense, probing, demanding even.

...

Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. I had no idea what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable.

I take back everything mean I've said about this book so far. This shit is HILARIOUS. I will never be able to look at laundry the same again. I don't think you guys even need me here this chapter. Okay, they're at it again, this time from behind!

I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.

Pinioned. Hee.

“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, his words heady, seductive.

Otherwise you're going on the cross in the dungeon and I'm sacrificing you to Satan after all! Doesn't matter that she hasn't checked the "I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions" box yet, she's his! His you hear me?!

“You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear.

You said that already.

The effect is mind-blowing – all my energy concentrating on this one small space inside my body. I moan.

“You like this?”

“No, I'm just over here a dripping writhing mass because it's only alright.”

“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” he whispers.

Weren't you just saying you were going to break her of being so responsive earlier? I mean, this makes way more sense to me, but, huh?

“Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly.

“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.”

Okay, I'm not the only one who thinks the phrase “Suck me, baby” belongs on a t-shit, am I? Also I'm not the only one who thinks that calling someone baby while asking them to suck a thumb adds an extra layer of creepy to the pet-name “Baby”, right?

His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly.

She's giving him the crazy eye as she sucks his thumb.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.

She has learned what she tastes like before he has. Bad Grey. Also, remember what I said about Kate was being established by things Ana said, but it didn't match with what she did? Because telling me something is erotic does not make it so.

Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair tighter, painfully, so I release him.

“Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil packet. “Stay still, don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair.

Hooray mouth fucking! She's also biting his thumb, not his dick, though it does have some concerning parallels for Grey at the moment. I'm also a little confused by the “Naughty, sweet girl,” line. It may be the vodka, but again, nothing Ana has done reads as “sweet” to me. She hasn't even giving him a super enthusiastic beej yet! Also I get bondage is immobilizing, but that's usually less about “I don't want you to move” and “I want you to be frustrated with your inability to move” which are kinda different, because you're still going to move. It has also occurred to me that Ana has done a lot of laying there and taking it.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Dude, her hymen was somehow magically still intact (I'm assuming it's fairly common knowledge that most girls pop theirs doing sports (or gym class) or using tampons before they actually have sex. Though he would have popped it when he finger blasted her during foreplay...) she's going to be sore. You also just took her virginity. Even if it was awesome, she's gonna be sore. Trust.

“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.”

I moan.

“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls.

HOW? IS? SHE? SWEET?! This. Is. Really. Starting. To. Bug. Me. Readers, help me out here. Alright, time for orgasm number 3! CALLED THE NUMBER!

His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair.

Because everyone always achieves simultaneous orgasm, amIrite? Ana then just passes right the fuck out, exhausted from her big day of boneing. I'm sad now, because now the banging is over which means that they'll be talking again. Booo.

Ana wakes up, in Grey's bed (I think? I don't think he moves her...) which is a No-No but it's not the first time. He's not there, though. He's playing the piano. And, oh, this is almost as good as the fucking.

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the en­trance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest of the large room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouch­able… lonely, in a bubble.

He has just boned the object of his obsession for... However long this book has been, (there was a time jump with exams) few weeks (?) and now he is sitting, sadly playing the piano. Naked. Naked. If he's someone who just prefers to me naked, hey, good on him, I also have a strong aversion to pants, but I don't think Grey IS a nudist. So Ana pads over, wrapped in nothing but the blanket,

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants.

Boooo.

“I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the dark­ness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing.

He walks her back to bed, but his bed, not the special bedroom that she gets to decorate however she wants later.

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evi­dence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.

“Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as he stands in front of me.

Do you clean your own dungeon, then? Also gross. Do you not own another set of sheets?

I realize that I’ve not seen his naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of dark hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach.

... I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on.

He also left his shirt on until he was fucking her from behind during, so he's got some hang up about being shirtless, despite the fact that we've seen him wandering around shirtless on several occasions. I think this is a carry over from when it was still fan fiction and he was still a vampire, but it's a bit strange. I get that we're supposed to notice it though, so, yeah. There's no mention of scars so I'm going to rule out surgery he's had in the past (though being scarred from that sort of thing would make him way more interesting to me personally.).

“Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood.

DO YOU NOT OWN OTHER SHEETS GREY?!

“Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a re­sidual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side.

Really?! I didn't get that from your narrative bashing me over the head with him playing sad music and being in his sad naked bubble (that was not naked at all you tease). Or the fact that the book is titled "50 Shades of Grey" to imply that he's SO DEEP!

And that brings us to the end of chapter eight. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did! Please, share your thoughts in the comments, they give me a happy.

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 7, in which we get closer to the banging.

So I just want to take a second to say "thanks and I love you" to all of you guys in the comments. You guys = awesome <3.

Alright, let's do this biznatch. I'm going to give you guys just a huge cut and paste info dump of Grey's sex chambers, because I think you all want to see this, and if not, well, too bad, I want you to see this. Share in my suffering, readers. Share in it.

The first thing I notice is the smell; leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. It’s very pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle. In fact, I can’t see the source, but it’s around the cornice in the room, emitting an ambient glow. The walls and ceiling are a deep, dark bur­gundy, giving a womb-like effect to the spacious room, and the floor is old, old varnished wood. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of high-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs on each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least, and from it hang all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. By the door, two long, polished, ornately carved poles, like spindles from a banister but longer, hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements.

Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers, each drawer slim as if designed to contain specimens in a crusty old museum. I wonder briefly what the drawers actually do hold. Do I want to know? In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench, and fixed to the wall beside it is a wooden, polished rack that looks like a pool or billiard cue holder, but on closer inspection, it holds canes of varying lengths and widths. There’s a stout six-foot-long table in the opposite corner – polished wood with intricately carved legs – and two matching stools underneath.But what dominates the room is a bed. It’s bigger than king-size, an ornately carved rococo four-poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding... just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end.

At the foot of the bed, set apart a few feet, is a large oxblood chesterfield couch, just stuck in the middle of the room facing the bed. An odd arrangement… to have a couch facing the bed, and I smile to myself – I’ve picked on the couch as odd, when really it’s the most mundane piece of furniture in the room. I glance up and stare at the ceiling. There are karabiners all over the ceiling at odd intervals. I vaguely wonder what they’re for. Weirdly, all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather makes the room kind of soft and romantic… I know it’s anything but, this is Christian’s version of soft and romantic.

The cross is the part that freaks me out, personally*. “Hey baby, wanna play Jesus?” Also why is the bed covered in leather? That just sounds all sorts of uncomfortable. Especially on a hot day, or after you sweat, which you're likely to do while having sex. So Ana, who is rightfully stunned and shocked, is just sort of wandering around the room investigating what the double crap is going on? Grey is following her all anxious and is all “SAY SOMETHING!” and I'm fighting the urge to just copy and paste the whole exchange here. Just, HERE THIS IS CHAPTER SEVEN ENJOY FUCKERS! But that's cheating.

He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.

“You’re a sadist?”

“I’m a Dominant.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense.

“What does that mean?” I whisper.

“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.”

I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea.

“Why would I do that?”

“To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile.

My first impressions of BDSM from the few people who HAVE sat down and had an actual conversation with me were that this is not AT ALL how it works. I then hit the internet, and this is a thing, though it seems really uncommon, and it is considered rather extreme. It's tricky to be able to say "They are doing BDSM wrong" because BDSM is very much all about "anything goes!". Usually it seems to be that this stuff is sex/play** specific, and outside of the bedroom, the relationship is usually fairly “normal”. There's not a lot of “Call me mistress” in the grocery store. Which is why you down know that Robert and Susan from down the street are into it.So, I suppose I should say this here. I do NOT want to put anyone's kinks down, I don't. I am a strong believer in "So long as it's consensual and safe, to each their own" which it seems is the mantra of the BDSM community too. However, the point of this series I'm running is to snark, and while I'm not going to get into great depth about the inherent problems some of the sex will have (or will try not to unless properly HILARIOUS to do so), I WILL get into how MESSED the relationship is, because seriously. Wow.

“In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me,” he says softly. His voice is hypnotic.

“How do I do that?” My mouth is dry, and I wish I had more wine. Okay, I understand the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by the soft-boudoir-Elizabethan-torture set up. Do I want to know the answer?

“I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,” he whispers. I glance at the rack of canes as he says this.

Again, research says that this is a thing. It is common for couples to have "rules" but, again, they (usually) pertain to play, not... Everything. The relationships still aim to be based on respect and consent. There is also a whole thing about RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) which... Well, I guess this JUST passes as Ana WILL be giving consent before the egg beater, but she doesn't know what she's getting into. I don't think this mess WOULD pass muster among the community, and there are more than a few members who have spoken out against it.

“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy, even in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”

“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”

He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.

“Me,” he says simply.

Want to know what is never ever a fair trade? Submitting yourself entirely to another person and letting them control you because they get kicks out of it and will give you a boyfriend in return. No, really, not okay. There is a difference between “dominance” and “abuse” if your Dom is flogging you about having bought whole wheat instead of multi-grain, which I get the feeling Grey would, then they're doing it wrong. If there is anyone into BDSM reading this taking issue, please, share your thoughts in the comments, and if you're not comfortable with that, e-mail me. clevernamepending@gmail.com. I'd love to hear your take on this. As I said, there seems to be a strong theme of "anything goes" with the community, but this shit be fucked. 

Kate had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know? He’s danger­ous to my health, because I know I’m going to say yes. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.

See? Black magic glamor.

“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in here.”

“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” I can’t hide the horror in my voice.

“Not full time. Just say, Friday evening through Sunday. We have to talk about all that, negotiate. If you want to do this,” he adds, his voice quiet and hesitant.

“I’ll sleep here?”

“Yes.”

“Not with you.”

“No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with drink.” His eyes are reprimanding.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?! Seriously?!!? She's going to be LIVING in Seattle. Why not just chip in for her gas to get from her place to yours?

My mouth presses in a hard line. This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Chris­tian, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a special room.

Okay, show of hands, who else thinks this sounds a LOT like an abused woman trying to justify things? The whole Charming Prince/Horrible Monster sits uncomfortable with me, it might not mean to, but it draws parallels of abuse, not of kink to me. Anyways, they go to the kitchen where he pulls out some cheese and grapes and bread and is insisting that she eat and urges her to ask questions. I'm hoping she comes out with “So, is this all because of some messed up stuff that happened in your childhood before you got adopted?”.

“And if I don’t want to do this?”

“That’s fine,” he says carefully.

“But we won’t have any sort of relationship?” I ask.

“No.”

“Why?”

“This is the only sort of relationship I’m interesting in.”

“Why?”

He shrugs.
“It’s the way I am.”

“How did you become this way?”

“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs. Jones – my housekeeper – has left this for supper.” He takes some large, white plates from a cupboard and places one in front of me.

We’re talking about cheese… Holy crap.

EL James, we need to talk about you splitting your actions and dialogue up like you do. Why is “He shrugs.” not in with his answer? I'm sorry, I just keep noticing this and it's kind of driving me nuts, and this is coming from someone who will NEVER be any good at spelling and grammar. If I'm being bothered, how did your editors not shit bricks over this? Anyways, moving on. Yeah, Ana, I know I cracked the joke about asking him if he was traumatized in his childhood, but really? 

Still, credit where credit is due, Grey is being frank, honest, and straightforward with Ana. There will be paperwork about what is and isn't okay by her, and what is and isn't okay by him (which again, this is something that actually happens, so no problem there. Contracts are pretty commonplace in the community.) but their “relationship” is being set up as one as well. That's right, there will be paperwork regarding their relationship outside of the bedroom and... It's fucked. Grey wants to win her trust and respect so she will submit to him. This is in the text. This book is supposed to be trashy wish fulfillment and fantasy. I can get behind the BDSM stuff, honest, even if it isn't my thing, I can get the appeal of being totally helpless as someone you trust has their sexy way with you. I GET that. What I don't get is them taking it further. With her having a “room” in his place (just on weekends) and him wanting her submission outside of the bedroom... Do enough modern everyday women really want someone to run their lives for them? I suppose the fantasy is more about the “I just wish someone would handle all the BS in my life for me” than “I want to be a child forever and not be trusted to make my own choices or be my own person and simply conform to what a man wants.” or at least I am desperately hoping that is the case.

Also, Ana, why are you so shocked about the cheese thing? It's actually a fairly reasonable jump here. So Ana asks some of the standard questions. What are the rules? I'll tell you later. Is it hard to find girls who are into this? No. Why me? Because he's drawn to her like a moth to the flame (no, that's in the text). How long have you been into this for? Aaages. Will you hurt me? “I will punish you and it will hurt” <- NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP EVEN WITH BDSM IN THE MIX. Grey has also been flogged, if you were wondering.

And then he drags her to the study to show her the rules and BOY are they doozys. Firefox wanted to change that to donkeys, by the way. Thought you should know.

RULES

Obedience:

The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.

That's right, no safe word here. Just a list of “NO.” She isn't allowed to not be in the mood, which a Sub SHOULD be, and she can't say “Enough”. Some people say that the sub is often the one in control, because ultimately the power is theirs, though there ARE some branches of the community where the scene is the Sub doesn't get to say "Okay enough of that shit." and that's part of the play, too, but I get the impression that's more rare, as the dangers are a lot higher and so you'd need to REALLY trust your Dom, and that is some high level shit. Not "Intro to BDSM" shit.

Sleep:

The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant.

Food:

The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the excep­tion of fruit.

Clothes:

During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall utilize. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall during the Term any adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and any other time the Domi­nant deems fit.

Exercise:

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and the Sub­missive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s progress.

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Sub­missive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit.

That's right, she has to look a certain way. She was worried about not fitting in before because she wasn't blond? Well, that's fine, she will be soon when he demands it! Wants her to get collagen injections? To the salon! Sweet Jesus this shit is terrifying. I was trying to rationalize the fantasy before, but nope. I can't even fathom this shit.

Personal Safety:

The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.

The Sub is also not to drink caffeine, walk anywhere after dark, or open jars. Hanging out in bars and not drinking to check out a band is strictly forbidden unless the Sub has a signed permission slip (see extra BS appendix 3C)

Personal Qualities:

The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Domi­nant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of the Dominant.

Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant.

Oh. My. God. What the I don't even. Okay, just finished my drink- Oh I'm sorry, did you think I was joking about writing these without a drink in me first? No. That's happening. Pray for my liver readers. It will need it. Right, so drink did not make this any less awful.

So this whole thing is supposed to be into kinky weird alternative relationships, but it actually reads to me a lot like old school very religious couples that fall into “Women obey their husbands and Fathers” behavior, which actually makes this all even creepier. Also, immediate punishment? What, she caves and grabs a single chocolate bar and he's allowed to take her over the corner store counter and spank her right then and there?

So they negotiate things (3 times a week for working out, and she only has to wear the clothes he's making her buy when he's with her) and he once again is all “Sure you don't want to intern at my company?” DUDE NO BAD IDEA. Ahem. She basically says that and then we get the hard rules.

Hard Limits

No acts involving fire play

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof

No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood

No acts involving gynecological medical instruments

No acts involving children or animals

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin

No acts involving breath control

Ana is all “Really? These are things that need to be written down?” and that sort of concerns her further. I'm a little disappointed to see gynecological medical instruments, needles/knifes, and fire play are all on this list. The only person who's gone into great detail about BDSM relationships with me went into a fair bit of detail about knives. I'd have known what was going on if you did that Grey! No, you had to rob me of any hope of being able to call you on your BS with authority. I see how it is. So, basically this part is making it all safe and accessible to the Moms out there. No, no, they won't be doing any of the REALLY weird stuff (though is anal out if he doesn't want anything to do with poop? I mean, when it comes to anal, shit happens after all). Grey asks if there's anything she wants to add, and Ana, being a virgin in every sense of the word really doesn't know.

“Well… I’ve not had sex before, so I don’t know.” My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he’s staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale - really pale.

“Never?” he whispers. I shake my head.

“You’re a virgin?” he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls.

Oh, Grey, you classy, classy bastard you. With that, we end this chapter, and I go to end my bottle! As always, thoughts, comments, and drink recipes welcome. I'm still into my jolly rancher vodka (watermelon). I mix it with cream soda. It tastes like happy. If anyone wants to know, jolly rancher vodka is stupid easy to make. Take container. Put in jolly ranchers (all of the same flavour, dhur) and add vodka. Let sit for a few hours shaking periodically. Chill, enjoy. Also, seriously, if there is anyone who's part of the BDSM community out there reading this, please step forward and let me know how really wrong (or maybe accurate, my sources could be off) this shit is. 


*It's an Allen's Cross which is a real thing.  
 ** BDSM is not strictly sexual. A lot of BDSM events don't allow sex there, simply just the "play" aspect of it (floggings/whipping/etc) and some Subs and Doms are sexually and/or romantically monogamous, but are allowed to play with many.