50 Shades Darker Chapter 7 Part 2

The first half of chapter 7 saw Grey taking Ana to a lavish charity ball hosted by his family where disgusting amounts of money are spent so they can sneak off to bone. They were in the middle of dancing and being "cute" where I left off.

Now, there's something that I haven't really touched on before* that I want to get into now. Money. Ana is just out of school, and apparently has enough money that she can fly out to visit her Mother on a whim, and has yet to worry about paying rent, or for food, or about her debt. The way her parents are written, I don't think either of them were rolling in it, so this leads me to believe that Ana is actually very good with her money. She managed to find a work/living arrangement (she cooked in exchange for less rent was my understanding) and worked a fair bit all through school. I think both her Mother and Ray helped her out, but Ana has, as far as I can gleam, been managing her own money very well on her own for the last 4 years. We then have Grey who sees money as no object- he has lots, and will always have lots, so it doesn't matter, he couldn't live outside his means if he tried. I find how the fantasy of money around Grey is presented to be tacky and garrish, but in the name of trying to understand it better, perhaps I should consider Ana (the reader insert character done so wrong) here. She's supposed to be a responsible every woman, and so Grey doesn't actually present security (well, not just security) but the ability to step out of her own budget and do things she always wanted to but couldn't afford to. Like go gliding or go to fancy charity balls where she gets to be a Disney princess. This whole chapter, I think, it supposed to be about selling that part of the fantasy, not just LOL GREY'S RICH DID YOU GUYS NOTICE THAT HE'S RICH? I will finish this rant with I still think it comes off as Grey flaunting his money like a dick.

Alright, into this chapter we go! Ana and Grey keeps dancing for a while before Ana wanders off on her own. It's an innocent enough thing, and when she goes to grab her drink (why she wandered off) there's a woman hanging around.

Her mask is unique. It covers her face to her nose but also covers her hair. It’s stunning with elaborate gold filigree.

Hmmm, I wonder if her mask covering her hair has any significance? I mean, it's not like there are any people with "trade mark" hair like Mrs. Robinson running around!

“I’m so glad you’re on your own,” she says softly. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you all evening.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are.”
She pulls the mask from her face and releases her hair.
Shit! It’s Mrs. Robinson.

Oh I didn't see that coming! Wait, yes I did. I want to know what's so special about Mrs. R's hair, though. I mean, almost every woman in the book is blond (Ana, the black receptionist where she works, and Mia are the ONLY brunettes we've met). What makes Elena's hair so special? Does she have a mohawk? What ever could Mrs. R want? Well, she saves Ana (and the reader) some time by telling her she'll be quick (and yes, she knows Ana hates her).

“It must be obvious to you that Christian is in love with you. I have never seen him like this, ever.” She emphasizes the last word.
What? Loves me? No. Why is she telling me? To reassure me? I don’t understand.
“He won’t tell you because he probably doesn’t realize it himself, notwithstanding what I’ve said to him, but that’s Christian. He’s not very attuned to any positive feelings and emotions he may have. He dwells far too much on the negative. But then you’ve probably worked that out for yourself. He doesn’t think he’s worthy.”

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HOW DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA OR EVEN REMOTELY APPROPRIATE?! MRS. R I GET THAT YOU'RE PROTECTIVE OF GREY AND PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON REALLY AWARE OF JUST HOW EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED HE IS BUT NONE OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED ARE TEENAGERS, AND EVEN IF YOU ALL WERE THIS WOULD STILL BE A TOTALLY OUT OF LINE THING FOR YOU TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND'S NEW GIRLFRIEND WHO YOU'VE NEVER FORMALLY MET!!! IT'S ONE THING WHEN AFTER BONDING WITH THEM IF THEY ASK TO MAYBE LET SOMETHING SLIP BUT THIS IS JUST OBSCENE AT BEST! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE OLDER WOMAN?!

This has nothing to do with Mrs. R though. This has to do with EL James literally having no idea of how to get Grey to come out and say "I'm in love with you" to Ana in a way that she would understand. Even Mrs. R saying it bluntly is leaving her confused. However this whole monolog is just painful to read. "He doesn't think he's worthy"? Really EL James? So Ana reels around a bit in her head wondering if all of Grey's insanity is actually love or just... insanity. She apparently decides to agree with Mrs. R.

And hearing it from this woman, having her confirm it for me is, frankly, unwelcome. I’d rather hear it from him.

And this, Mrs. R, is why you don't go around telling people that others are in love with them. Reminds me a bit of when I was single right after college. I was out with a bunch of people, and one of them was a girl I sort of knew. Being the only women there we at one point ended up on our own, and she starts asking me about my intentions of the guys in the circle. I tell her I'm not looking to date at all, and she goes on to say "Because So-and-So is practically in love with you" I had not known he was into me at all because romance did not exist in my head at that point in time. Hearing he was into me was unwelcome, and doubly so from someone who was not him. He was one of my best friends, how do you go about dealing with the fact that one of your best friends is apparently in love with you when they've never said a word to you but everyone else? Now, Ana is in a better situation than I was, what, with being in love with Grey herself, but news of love is never better second hand. There's also this "I CAN TELL YOU'RE SUPER INTO HIM IN A DEEP MEANINGFUL WAY!" thing Mrs. R is spouting here. She has seen Ana storm out on Grey earlier that day in the salon, and seen them dance and be cutesy. That is not necessarily love, that is being into someone and swept away with the atmosphere. Or Mrs. R is psychic. I'm willing to accept that as canon. Now, where's that "but"?

But what I wanted to say is if you hurt him again, I will find you, lady, and it won’t be pleasant when I do.”
She stares at me, ice-cold blue eyes boring into my skull, trying to get under my mask. Her threat is so astonishing, so off the wall that an involuntary, disbelieving giggle escapes me. Of all the things she could say to me, this is the least expected.

I'd have laughed in her face, too. And then skipped off to report this to my boyfriend and the police. So Ana promptly tells her off, and skips off. It's one of those magical back bone things.

“I’m laughing at your audacity, Mrs. Lincoln. Christian and I have nothing to do with you. And if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I’ll be waiting—don’t doubt it. And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked-up even more than he already was.”
Her mouth falls open.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do than waste my time with you.”

And flounce, stage left. I almost didn't include this bit, as at first glance it's nothing more than a casual "and fuck you very much". I realize now that isn't quite right. I've commenting on the awkward handling of Grey being friends with the woman who molested him as a child. Ana will get upset, but whenever Ana gets upset she is treated both by Grey and herself as being totally unreasonable. I've been confused on if I'm supposed to side with Grey (Yes I was young but I consented and feel it was a positive experience) or Ana (The age of consent is there for a reason, and she took advantage of a young, vulnerable boy. That is monstrous). The way the book has been presenting it, Grey's calm, evenly present stance as to Ana's shrill frantic one, made me think the author intended me to side with Grey on it. Which made me hella uncomfortable. This however makes it much more clear that no, no, you're supposed to be with Ana that this woman is clearly totes evil. Her actions are that of the stereotypical romance best friend ("hurt them and so help me"**) in the scene we've just seen, but I think the reader is supposed to see her as a villain, just one who means well.

I like humanizing villains. My favorite stories are the ones where the antagonists aren't evil or bad, they just have a very different set of goals and morals than the good guys. So on one hand I WANT to like EL James' attempts so far to soften her big bad, on the other, she's just so over the top with the "she does x,y, and z that are good, but q,t, and r that are bad. So it all balances out." that I'm just going to peg her onto the (well meaning) bad guy board. The text treating this like an epic tell off is telling of what the reader is supposed to feel about the woman.

Ana bounces, and since Grey has security flunkies everywhere, he was warned that his ex was chatting up his new squeeze and turns up to catch Ana on her way out. Confused as to why his girlfriend is seething with rage, he asks what's up.

“Why don’t you ask your ex?” I hiss acidly.
His mouth twists and his eyes frost. “I’m asking you,” he says, his voice soft but with an undertone of something far more menacing.

This strikes me as really weird. I mean, I get that he's annoyed that she's telling him to go talk to his ex, but he knows what he's told Mrs. R. He should have some vague glimmer that she just spilled some beans to Ana, and rather then get snippy at her be thinking that she feels like her privacy has been ignored, and that is valid. I think it's important to have people you can talk to your relationship about, but they have to be people who will either never meet your partner, or who will keep that shit on lock down if they ever do. Mrs. R is not the second type, apparently thinking it's okay to go out of her way to break Grey's confidence (which he should suspect and be angry about). Grey should be mad about that not at Ana being flippant. Then again, it is Grey who must be respected and in control all of the time. Apparently being lippy is a bigger indiscretion then ratting out his secrets.

Ana realizes that if she doesn't talk to him shit will turn into a fight, so she opens up.

“She’s threatening to come after me if I hurt you again—probably with a whip,” I snap at him.
Relief flashes across his face, his mouth softening with humor. “Surely the irony of that isn’t lost on you?” he says, and I can tell he’s trying hard to stifle his amusement.
“This isn’t funny, Christian!”
“No, you’re right. I’ll talk to her.” He adopts his serious face, though he’s still suppressing his amusement.

GREY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE TO EVER WIPE SHIT ON OUR SOCIETY! I wish Ana would just haul off and slap him here. Grey has flown to defend her honor when Jose and her boss (who hasn't appeared in like 100 pages, so I forget his name) so much as looked at her. He was willing to get a man fired if he crossed a single boundary with Ana. However, when it's women (Mrs. R and Leila. HIS ex-girlfriends, specifically) she's given a pat on the head and a promise to "talk to them". Leila showed up outside her place of work, and has since gone out and gotten a gun (we think). Grey's more concerned about finding her to help her then finding her to make sure he, and his loved ones, are safe. Mrs. R shits all over his confidence and he thinks it's funny and Ana is just being mad for nothing. She's missing the irony you guys! I am also pretty sure that irony is the wrong word to use here. Just sayin'.

Ana nearly tells him "I want you to stop talking to her" but questions if she can get away with asking that. I like this, actually. I've had dude-friends end up loosing most of their lady friends when they got a girlfriend, so I appreciate that she's trying to respect that he is allowed to have his friends and it really isn't her place to interfere. She would, however, be well within her right to tell him "Don't talk to her about me anymore" but she's still processing so I'll let that go.

“Please don’t be mad. I didn’t know she was here. She said she wasn’t coming.” His tone is placating as if he’s talking to a child. Reaching up he runs his thumb along my pouting bottom lip.

Remember what I said before about "It's hard for me to be sure if I'm supposed to side with Ana because she's always portrayed as a kid throwing a tantrum?" because I just want to underline this.

Ana is actually being fairly reasonable here. She's well within her rights to be pissed. She was threatened, and her boyfriend thinks that it's funny. Hell, even if he didn't, she would still be within her right to be pissed. She's also still considering that "Maybe it's not fair game for me to dictate that he shouldn't hang out with people" even though Grey is policing who she hangs out with already (Remember how he acted around Jose?). This brings me to a chance to link to an awesome article from The Gloss on the stigma of men and women's upset. When men get upset, it's just how people talk, when women get upset, she's getting hysterical. When men get upset they're more likely to scream, hit things, and be generally aggressive. These are things that are apparently all fair game, but if a woman starts to get weepy, or enthused, she's being "emotional" which makes her irrational. I should own up to my own bad. Earlier this post I mentioned that I wasn't sure of the author intend on who I should side with because of how Ana was portrayed (a lot of pouting and childish language she uses to describe herself) as to Grey staying mostly calm on the surface (other then all those rage flashes). I took this to mean I was supposed to see his arguments as more valid, or at least potentially more valid. So while I often accuse EL James of being misogynistic, I do have to give points here, and an authentic selling point to women. She's showing us a woman getting emotional- and still being right. I suppose I shouldn't give points yet, the story has still yet to take Ana seriously, so we'll see if it starts to or not, but I think it will.

Ana pops off for a second, so she can calm down and Grey is given a chance to call Elena, even though Ana asked him NOT to talk to her about this (though really, I don't think she expected him not to) and she catches the gist of it as she walks back. The reader had to be certain that Grey is blameless (he really didn't know she would be there) and that he has already told Elena to leave Ana alone.

“She cares about you,” I mutter.
“Yes, and I her . . . as a friend.”
“I think it’s more than a friendship to her.”
His brow furrows. “Anastasia, Elena and I . . . it’s complicated. We have a shared history. But it is just that, history. As I’ve said to you time and time again, she’s a good friend. That’s all. Please, forget about her.”

Mrs. R is a weird mish-mash of tropes. She's supposed to be the best friend, the ex who's still in love with him and wants to steal him away, AND she's the ex who "ruined" him. It's a strange writing choice, but EL James seems to like the more over the top set ups, so to her it was probably the only way to make the woman a "real" threat. She couldn't just be the best friend who's intentions are unclear, or the ex still hung up on him, because that's not scary enough? What I find strange is Grey begging Ana to just forget about her repeatedly. He has no other move, no other solution, only tells her to ignore the issue. This seems to be an ongoing theme. There's a problem, Grey doesn't want to deal with it, so they fight until Ana drops it.


Back to the dance we go where Grey's Dad whisks Ana off to "thank" her for her donation. Ana tells us he's actually asking if she can afford it, which she tells him she can (she didn't want the money anyways, so in the case of having money that made her uncomfortable donating it to charity seems reasonable) and Ana then starts plying him for information about Grey's Dark Tragic Past! TM Shockingly, it works and the man starts to spill all of the beans. Grey's Mother was the doctor on duty when Grey was brought in ("all skin and bones") and he didn't speak for two years. Just played piano sadly. If only he'd have stayed like that... Joking aside, doesn't it seem more likely that he would have developed and eating disorder rather than become a mute? He was left alone and unfed, and he has this very complicated relationship with food, but not an eating disorder...

... But between you and me, Anastasia, it’s seeing him like he is this evening—carefree, acting his age—that’s the real thrill for his mother and me. We were both commenting on it today. I believe we have you to thank for that.”

Carric then goes on to say how much they like seeing Grey and Ana together and she should keep doing whatever she is because he is soo happy. He then realizes that's a fucking bizarre thing to say and apologizes.

This scene is so bizarre. I mean, I'm not surprised Ana starts fishing for information to further flesh out the picture of Grey's Dark Tragic Past TM but I am that Carric gave it up. Also how many people are going to tell Ana how in love with her Grey is? I have never seen anyone do this ever. I've seen "You two seem really happy together" "You guys are really cute" and in cases of particularly awful people "I'm so glad that he finally brought home a NICE girl" but this all feels so fucking weird. Further proof that EL James is an alien and this is some report back to her home world on Earthlings?

So they go and watch some fireworks, and Ana out of no where thinks about Leila and a lot of narrative detail is given to the security guards all around them in this crowd.

“Stay with me a moment. Taylor wants us to wait while the crowd disperses.”
Oh.
“I think that firework display probably aged him a hundred years,” he adds.
“Doesn’t he like fireworks?”
Christian gazes down at me fondly and shakes his head but doesn’t elaborate.

BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HEAR THE GUNSHOT GET IT GUYS?!


So Ana decides to call it a night and they start heading home, but Mia catches up to them and it's pointed out that she can touch Grey in the no-go zones. Thankfully Ana is just surprised at him not reacting and doesn't get seethy that his sister can touchy him and she can't. Grey's boundaries. They make no sense. If he was that traumatized, I would expect it to be a consistent thing, and just a fact within his family. Grey doesn't like being touched anywhere on the torso. That's the type of thing that they would have all grown up with, so it wouldn't be so strange, unless the no-go area is from Mrs. R or some other as-of-yet unmentioned trauma.

As they wait for his car to be brought around, Ana asks what he meant about a big day tomorrow.

“Dr. Greene is coming to sort you out. Plus, I have a surprise for you.”
“Dr. Greene!” I halt.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I hate condoms,” he says quietly. His eyes glint in the soft light from the paper lanterns, gauging my reaction.
“It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me.
“It’s mine, too,” he whispers.

He wasn't kidding about getting her the shot (which is now discontinued in Canada because it was considered too inconsistent I'm told) while she's already on the pill?! Holy hormone imbalances Batman! Also "It's my body too"?!? What?! All this because he doesn't want to use condoms. He gets to claim ownership of her body, make medical decisions for her, based on what his wang wants. No. You never get to make medical decisions for an adult unless you have been given the legal right to when they are unable! There was a bit in the contract about medical things, but it was that the dom would make sure the sub was taken care of, not make the decisions, and they threw the contract out, which makes this all more cringe inducing. She could safe-word as a sub, she almost seems to have less power now. If he was in that big of a hurry to go bareback why wouldn't he just suggest getting the shot to start with?

What he is arranging to have done to her is dangerous. The shot can have some nasty side effects that will last for three months, and the doctor already put Ana on a very light form of birth control. A decision she, as a medical professional, made with the input of her patient. Grey is claiming ownership of Ana's body, and has said her safety is so important to him that he's willing to do things like buy entire companies to "keep her safe" but he's not willing to listen to a trained medical professional about what would be a good idea? Also another fucking surprise? When doesn't he have one for her? Also what makes this all really terrifying is that Ana agrees, her body is his. I'm just gonna go drink for a while now. Brb.

Okay, back. So they get into the car and there's a mystery note for Ana, from Mrs. Robinson (signed as such) being all "Listen, I think we've both misjudged each other. I approve wholeheartedly of you and if you want me to fill in any blanks you should give me a call, we can do lunch! PS: Hurt him and I will cut you." Grey is reasonably pissed considering that he just told her to stay the fuck out of his relationship like, two pages ago. She's now offering to tell Ana everything. Over lunch.

So they go home and Ana is sleepy and they're heading to bed, but drama!

“Will do, T,” he says and turns to face us. “Mr. Grey, the tires on Ms. Steele’s Audi have been slashed and paint thrown all over it.”

Gasp! I kind of like to think it was Elena as to Leila, as the mental image of her in her flashy mask and formal wear slashing tires is way better then or Leila doing it. Sawyer then goes on to say that she might be in the apartment! ... So it occurred to no one with all of this security to leave someone watching his house? Seriously? Taylor is supposed to be ex-military. This should have occurred to him.

“Listen, I can’t stand here and wait. Sawyer, take care of Miss Steele. Don’t let her in until you have the all clear. I am sure Taylor is overreacting. She can’t get into the apartment.”
What? “No, Christian—you have to stay with me,” I plead.
Christian releases me. “Do as you’re told, Anastasia. Wait here.”

Why can't he stand there and wait, exactly? He tells her to do as she's told and then skips on inside. I really have no idea why he would go in on his own here. He can't wait? Why the hell do you have hired security if you're not going to let them do their job? Is he hoping to find Leila so he can talk to her alone, even though we have progressively more reason to believe her dangerous? Oh, this is all so they can get alone time and she'll somehow convince him to leave Ana for her so that way EL James can introduce the next bit of plot, isn't it?

And that brings us to the end of chapter 7. Finally. Tune in next week to see if Grey gets dismembered by his unbalanced ex who probably has a knife and/or gun! As always comments make this hurt less! Till next week! Unless you're following me on Twitter, @SnappyErika in which case you can delight in my "wit" sooner than that!


*I write these posts as I read the chapter. It gives me a lot of chances for reactionary "WHAT IS THIS- I DON'T EVEN-" but takes away chances to sit down and pick things apart on a whole that I might have otherwise. What do you guys think, I should switch from the current format to reading the chapter and then talking about it as a whole?

**I have said that to dudes dating my friends before. Well, once, but it was "Hurt her again and so help me I will find where you live and leave glitter fucking everywhere"

50 Shades Darker Chapter 7 in which Erika wants to know WHY THIS CHAPTER IS EVEN FUCKING HERE part 1

So I hope you enjoyed The Boy in chapter 6, because he swears he's never reading another chapter of this book again. A luxury I do not have, so let's get cracking, shall we?

We left off at the end of chapter 6 with a zomg huge cliff hanger of Ana blowing almost all of the money she made on the sale on her car on a weekend for 6 in Colorado at the place her boyfriend owns. Seriously, doesn't she have student debt or something? I also have no idea WHY she felt compelled to buy that as to... I don't know, the first edition book of Pride and Prejudice* on the list? Why did she feel the need to buy the thing that was Grey's?

Holy shit, did I really just do that? It must be the alcohol. I’ve had champagne plus four glasses of four different wines. 

And that, in a nut-shell, is WHY they ply you with booze at these things. Seriously though Ana what the fuck? 

Crap, he’s going to be so angry, and we’ve been getting on so well. My subconscious has finally decided to make an appearance, and she’s wearing her Edvard Munch Scream face.

I was wearing this:

I'm not actually sure where the whatnapple is initially from. I should find out so I can give credit and/or money.

So we get a weird exchange. Ana is worried Grey is going to beat the shit out of her for this stunt, and Grey is telling her he's conflicted on if he wants to do that, or worship her. She says she'll take the spanking.

...

You didn't like the punishment spankings, remember Ana? But she's all turned on because apparently her vag-balls were also enchanted and she has just lost all sense of... well, sense.

Grey is pleased that Ana is horny, and his anger is gone, for now, at least, while he starts to mess with her. You know, kissing her knuckles, toying with her shoulder. Innocent enough things.

Slowly and surreptitiously, so I don’t realize his game until it’s too late, he eases my hand up his leg and against his erection. I gasp, and my eyes dart in panic around the table, but all eyes are fixed on the stage. Thank heavens for my mask.

The mask is covering only around her eyes, 1. 2, YOU JUST SAID NO ONE WAS PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO YOU AT ALL WHY THANK HEAVENS FOR A MASK?!

3) HIS GRANDPARENTS ARE RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND YOU START STROKING HIS TURGID WANG UNDER THE TABLE SERIOUSLY?! I get it's supposed to be all tee hee maybe we'll get caught, but my grandparents would ruin me if they caught me pulling that shit with a guy. They would also ruin him. There would be a public, family shaming for our terrible judgement. Lynching would also be on the table. 

I feel him growing beneath my fingers, and it makes me feel so powerful.

If she keeps talking about power I expect her to start threatening to fire his balls. "I'm sorry Mr. Testicles, but it is within my power to let you go, and you really aren't fulfilling your duties..." So the final lot goes, and before they can slip off to bone, Mia drags Ana up for something she agreed to in the frenzy earlier (the reader doesn't know, but five whatnapples on it being some sort of "BUY THIS PERSON!" auction.)


“Ana!” Mia calls. “It’s time!”
What? No. Not again! “Time for what?”
“The First Dance Auction. Come on!” She stands and holds out her hand.
I glance at Christian who is, I think, scowling at Mia, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, but it’s laughter that wins. I succumb to a cathartic bubble of schoolgirl giggles, as we are thwarted once more by the tall, pink powerhouse that is Mia Grey.

So Mia knows that they're trying to bone and is just cock blocking him now, right? Right? So Grey, in front of his whole family is all "THE FIRST DANCE SHALL BE MINE!" and "quietly" tells Ana "and it won't be on the dance floor". ... I will admit my experience with charity auctions where things go for over 100k regularly is limited, but for those sorts of things isn't the dance usually... in front of everyone? ALSO EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE TRYING TO SNEAK OFF TO FUCK! GRANDMA IS JUDGING YOU HARSHLY!

I lean over and plant a soft, chaste kiss on his mouth. Glancing around, I realize that our fellow guests at the table are astonished. Of course, they’ve never seen Christian with a date before.

LET ALONE ONE WHO'S TRYING TO JERK HIM OFF UNDER THE TABLE AND THINKS THAT BONERS ARE CAUSED BY MAGIC!

So Ana is dragged up on stage where there are other girls (as well as Lilly, the mean girl from the last chapter).

“Gentlemen, the highlight of the evening!” the MC booms over the babble of voices. “The moment you’ve all been waiting for! These twelve lovely ladies have all agreed to auction their first dance to the highest bidder!”

So the highlight of the evening is a chance to buy some young girls company for a few minutes? Creepy. Also didn't most of these people come with dates? I thought they came with dates.

So, I'm going to guess that Grey will somehow loose the bid for Ana, OR Ana will get thrown in a burlap sack while his unhinged ex steals her mask and dress and takes Ana's place. I mean, even EL James isn't so bad an author as to just set all this up only to have it be a show of how rich Grey is, right? Something interesting is bound to happen. Please let something interesting be bound to happen.

But it means spending more money on you! my subconscious snarls at me. But I don’t want to dance with anyone else—I can’t dance with anyone else—and it’s not spending money on me, he’s donating it to the charity. Like the twenty-four thousand dollars he’s already spent? My subconscious narrows her eyes. 

 Wait, she spent his money, not her own from the car? What?!

 “Now, gentlemen, pray gather round, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.”

 Ana notes, rightly so, that this feels a lot like a meat market. Comely and compliant wenches. You're selling a fucking dance, and unless this is actually all an elaborate ploy to trick girls into becoming high class strippers, it seems unlikely that this is a remotely appropriate thing for him to say at all ever. These are the daughters/wives/girlfriends of rich and influential people, this MC should be hyper aware of that. You do not call the daughters/wives/girlfriends of rich and influential people "compliant wenches" it's just a bad idea. Because there might be some over-zealous jackass warlock in the crowd who might take offense.

we shall maintain the mystery behind the masks and stick to first names only. First up we have the lovely Jada.”

Because none of these people know each other at all and "Jada" is a totally common first name.

“A thousand bucks!” one calls.
Very quickly the bidding escalates to five thousand dollars.
“Going once . . . going twice . . . sold!” the MC declares loudly, “to the gentleman in the mask!” And of course all the men are wearing masks so there are hoots of laughter, applause, and cheering. Jada beams at her purchaser and quickly exits the stage.

Just to set the scene. So as the next woman is bid off, Mia comments on how Grey better win Ana or there might be a brawl, because apparently he used to do that in his younger years. I personally am shocked that Grey would have a violent streak. It's implied that Mrs. R straightened him out when she came into the picture and it's all so, so tacky.

So Ana is shoved on stage and Grey gets into a bidding war over Ana with some random dude (who he clearly knows) and buys her for 100k. The dude gets almost no description, but Grey seems amused at his antics, that's it. Not even a hair color- unlike all the women who got hair colors and dress colors, he's just well dressed. Yes, shocking that a man in a crowd full of rich people, who is obviously one himself, would be well dressed at a formal event.

So they have a half hour before they have to be there to dance (because apparently it will take that long to sell off about 10 girls and what happens to Mia doesn't matter) so he brings her to his childhood room.

The walls are hung with movie posters: The Matrix, Fight Club, The Truman Show, and two framed posters featuring kick boxers

Don't get me wrong, Fight Club holds a very special place in my heart, but my first thought was "Wow we're trying to go for mainstream "I'm so smart and tough" I see." and I realized that, for a teenager, those are about right. So, points to James I guess? He tells Ana he's never brought a girl there before and it works. Because she wasn't already positively dripping from the black-magic vag-balls. 

Seeing him standing there on the royal blue carpet in that mask . . . it’s beyond erotic.

Note to self: Carpet the orgy room in royal blue.

So Grey takes Ana's dress off, and his jacket and shirt and socks and folds each individual article of clothing up and stacks it all nearly, largest to smallest, and asks Ana why she asked to be spanked.

“Volunteer? I don’t know. Frustration . . . too much alcohol . . . worthy cause,” I mutter meekly, shrugging. Maybe to get his attention?

YOU ALREADY HAD HIS ATTENTION YOU GIT!

He begins to monolog about how he vowed he'd never spank her again. Even if she begged (which she does) and Ana is so doped up on sexy black magic that she can't even form a full sentence or not drool on herself.

“But then I realized, you’re probably very uncomfortable at the moment, and it’s not something you’re used to.” He smirks at me knowingly, arrogant bastard, but I don’t care because he’s absolutely right.
“Yes,” I breathe.
“So, there might be a certain . . . latitude. If I do this, you must promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“You will safe word if you need to, and I will just make love to you, okay?”
“Yes.” I’m panting. I want his hands on me.“You really want this, Anastasia?”
I close my eyes. This is the first time since I met him that I really want this. I need it.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Why?” he asks softly as he caresses my behind with his palm.
I groan as soon as his hand makes contact with my skin. I don’t know why . . . You tell me not to overthink. After a day like today—arguing about the money, Leila, Mrs. Robinson, the dossier on me, the roadmap, this lavish party, the masks, the alcohol, the silver balls, the auction . . . I want this.
“Do I need a reason?”
“No, baby, you don’t,” he says. “I’m just trying to understand you.”

 I don't hate Grey here. He doesn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he wants to know why his girlfriend who tried to dump him over spanking is now asking him to spank her. He's not pushing, but it's obvious he wants to know "what the hell?" and is trying to be careful to do this in a way she will enjoy, and not cross a boundary. These are good things. There aren't many in this book, so let me enjoy it.

This feels different than the last time—so carnal, so . . . necessary.

Necessary? Really? Care to explain what you mean by that Ana? No? Oh, er, alright, then.



I don't even know if Ana is aware of what she just agreed to. So he spanks her, and it doesn't read in a terrifying rapey sort of way this time (yay?) and then he finger blasts her a little bit.

I moan loudly as my body takes over, and I come and come, convulsing around his fingers. It’s so intense, unexpected, and quick.

I'm not convinced EL James has ever actually had an orgasm. I think she's just read about them in bad Twilight fanfiction. 

“This is going to be quick, baby,” he murmurs and grabbing my hips, he eases out then slams into me.
“Ah!” I cry out

This is not the first time Grey has been all "Welp, I'm planning to last about forty seconds, hope that's good for you" and it's been presented in a way I'm supposed to think is sexy. Ana is still doped up on the vag-balls which were obviously powerful sexy artifacts as the girl still can't even think. Also I can't be the only one who finds an attempt to write dialog for sex noises awkward always, right? "Ah!"? Sounds like he started her. "Ah! Where did THAT come from?!"

He’s hitting the bellyache square on, again and again, eradicating it with each sharp, sweet thrust. The feeling is mind-blowing, just what I need. 

Bellyache. You are using the word "bellyache" to describe deep sexual longing. What.


“Ana, no,” he grunts, trying to still me. But I want him too much, and I grind against him, matching him thrust for thrust.
“Ana, shit,” he hisses as he comes,

 So, Ana starts to move, and that is enough to make Grey loose it. I get that this is supposed to be "AND SHE ALSO IS DEVELOPING MAGIC POWERS AND HE'S SUPER DUPER INTO HER!" but it seems like the real reason he's into tying her up and restraining her is because he lasts thirteen seconds otherwise. So he convulses and explodes and she transcends time and space to become a butterfly or some shit. Sex scene over. Sad now.



So Grey says they must hurry people will start looking for them soon, and Ana takes a second to inspect a pin board that was above the bed. It's filled with pictures of Grey on different travels all to immediate and recognizable places, and of ticket stubs, all to immediately recognizable bands.

U2, Metallica, The Verve, Sheryl Crow, the New York Philharmonic performing Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet—what an eclectic mix!

Oh my god EL James will you stop beating us over the head with how eclectic his tastes are supposed to be? We get it already! There's also a picture of a woman Ana can't place, and Grey brushes off telling her who it is. I'm going to guess his Mother, but I'm sure this will come up again.

So they dance and gush at each other and then the guy who bid on Ana before asks to cut in. It's *drum roll*

I recognize the man who bid on me at the auction. Christian grudgingly lets me go, but he’s amused, too.
“Be my guest. Anastasia, this is John Flynn. John, Anastasia.”
Shit!

The notorious Dr. Flynn! So, he was bidding on Ana, knowing she is dating his patient, probably BECAUSE of that. That seems... inappropriate at best. The conversation is so awkward to read, but I can tell it's supposed to be witty banter. Ana confesses that she just wants to ask about Grey, Flynn doesn't suck in response.

He smiles. “First, this is a party so I’m not on duty,” he whispers conspiratorially. “And second, I really can’t talk to you about Christian. Besides,” he teases, “we’d need until Christmas.”
I gasp in shock.
“That’s a doctor’s joke, Anastasia.”

Oh Ana, you're so clever and witty and wonderful. Also why the FUCK would you think to ask a shrink about their patient? Do you KNOW how illegal it would be for him to tell you anything? So they say all of nothing and then Grey cuts back in.

“He’s much younger than I expected,” I murmur to him. “And terribly indiscreet.”
Christian cocks his head to one side. “Indiscreet?”
“Oh yes, he told me everything,” I tease.
Christian tenses. “Well, in that case, I’ll get your bag. I’m sure you want nothing more to do with me,” he says softly.
I stop. “He didn’t tell me anything!” My voice fills with panic.

The panic should be from "Shit, what is it he isn't telling me that is so horrible I would want to run for the hills?" not "OH NO I HAVE UPSET HIM!" although this just layers of bad.

There's the whole panic for the wrong reason, but there's the implication that Ana being ignorant to Grey's life is important. Rather than reassure him "I'm sure one day you'll tell me and I won't make a break for it when you do" and that she, you know, cares about him and his issues are things she wants to try and handle. What? Acknowledging that relationships take work and that she wants to try because she's crazy about him isn't fantasy appropriate? Really? Damn. No, fantasy appropriate is "NO I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND NEVER WILL!" and this makes me sad. Because this implies that they will go on forever with Grey being unable to be honest with Ana, being unable to rely on her for emotional support ever. He also expects her to tell him everything always, and this is all just so unhealthy, dysfunctional, and sad. I hate that this is what is selling millions of copies and being considered a great romance.

I'll end part 1 here, because I know what comes next and you guys are going to love it. As always, love to hear your thoughts on this cluster fuck!

Also you can now follow me on Twitter for smaller, regular snark through the week at @SnappyErika


*Speaking of P&P, if you haven't come across it yet someone has been doing a modern version of it called The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and they're incredible. Even if you've never read the book you should check it out just for the way they use media as a story telling medium.

50 Shades Darker- Chapter 1

Trigger Warnings: Sexual harassment, sexual harassment in the workplace, appropriation, domestic violence, borderline stalking, Grey being, well, Grey.

Alright. I've had a month to rest and recover, it is time to sit down and start reading this tripe again. I don't know what my innocent liver has done to deserve it, but apparently something horrible. I want to point out that in the foreword, we get this:

E L James is currently working on the sequel to Fifty Shades Darker and a new romantic thriller with a supernatural twist.


That's right boys and girls. We're being told before we even start "Hey, uh, just so you know, there's AT LEAST one more of these things". Well, thank you for trying to warn me off, book. I appreciate your efforts. Although I do have one question. Why does the book keep calling it's self a "romantic thriller with a supernatural twist"? What about these books is supernatural? Is Grey really a warlock? WAS I RIGHT?! Is BDSM supposed to be witchcraft or something now? So many questions, so few answers...

Also, I had heard that EL James wouldn't allow her work to be edited, but there is a note in the foreword thanking her editor, telling her she rocks. I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, JAMES!

We left off at the end of part 1 (which was identified as such) with Ana doing the smartest thing she's ever done and RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY from the sociopath that is Grey. She immediately began to angst over it and lament her HORRIBLE CHOICE and wondered why she couldn't just compromise all of her wants and needs to be with him. 50 Shades Deeper Darker starts off with a charming scene of some of the most generic domestic abuse ever. The scene is meant to be from Grey's view, but seriously, so very generic and bland.

He hits Mommy with a belt. Get up! Get up! You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch. You are one fucked-up bitch.
Mommy makes a sobbing noise. Stop. Please stop. Mommy doesn’t scream. Mommy curls up small.

And then the faceless villain goes and calls Grey a little shit and we're left to believe that he gets the shit kicked out of him too, but he wakes up from his flash back dream first.  Now, domestic violence is not okay and not something to be taken lightly, and that is half the reason I take issue with the way EL James uses it in her writing. It only exists as angst for our sexy hero. Grey was "rescued" by getting adopted by his wealthy family, I doubt we'll ever find out what his Mother went through, and she's simply been described as a "crack whore" to us. Her abuse has not earned her the right to be humanized, apparently. See? Actual issues here. However since I am a terrible human being, what is really bothering me about this passage is how badly it is written.

We get the kinda creepy first person narrative of a little kid riddled with lots of "Mommy". Our faceless villain wears boots, smokes, and smells like alcohol and just repeats "you are one fucked-up bitch." over and over again. I'm just saying, I think she could do better. This isn't horrific to me. This just looks like something meant for an after school special. The abuser is cartoonish, boots, belt, smokes, and drinks*. There are no other descriptions besides that. The mother doesn't get a face or voice, either. The child watching hardly even gets a voice. I feel there would be a lot more internal terror, or screaming, or more description going into the sobbing maybe? Give me something to work with here.

We then jump to chapter one. Which takes place THREE WHOLE DAYS after Ana and Grey had split. EL James really hates time jumps. Ana tells us about how things have been a haze and she's started hew new job and a special mention to Mr. Jack Hyde, her new boss. Jack Hyde. Why not just name him Jekyll and get it over with? He's described in fairly warm terms, sparkling eyes and such, and we're treated to a super short bit of dialog between the two of them.

“Excellent work, Ana. I think we’re going to make a great team.”
Somehow, I manage to curl my lips upward in a semblance of a smile.
“I’ll be off, if that’s okay with you,” I murmur.
“Of course, it’s five thirty. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Jack.”
“Goodnight, Ana.”

That's it. He creeps on her a little bit, leaning on her desk, and Ana gives wooden and hollow responses. However he's still into it because... she has nice tits? I guess? I am a big fan of "show, don't tell" and "try not to write too much filler" but character establishing isn't filler, it's important. So is setting a scene. I can only gleam as much as I can about Jack because he was painfully obviously named as our next antagonist, and because EVERY MAN in this book wants into Ana's pants. Glad to see getting her first book published didn't go to EL James head and she remained as ham-fisted as ever!

We then get treated to Ana being an angst-zombie, barely human over HOW AWFUL LIFE WITHOUT GREY IS! I just- YOU DATED FOR LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AND LEFT BECAUSE YOU REALIZED IT COULDN'T WORK! Yes, you get to be sad and watch bad movies and eat ice cream and cry, but angst zombie? Really?

Grey, being super respectful of the fact that leaving was obviously painful for Ana, sends her flowers with the following note:

Congratulations on your first day at work.
I hope it went well.
And thank you for the glider. That was very thoughtful.
It has pride of place on my desk.
Christian

The glider, for those of you coming in new, was something Ana had bought for him after their last Big Romantic Date because he brought her gliding, and she booby trapped his apartment by leaving it on his bed after they broke up.  So Ana reads this note, feels like shit, but tells herself he had nothing to do with it, it was all his assistant. What? Why the fuck would his assistant be sending flowers to his ex-girlfriend without getting pretty specific instructions to do so? He OBVIOUSLY had something to do with it. Ana, being the paragon of good judgement, dutifully plops the flowers into a vase where they can sit there and remind her of WHAT SHE HAS LOST OF WOE IS HER!

And so a pattern develops: wake, work, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can’t even escape him in my dreams. Gray burning eyes, his lost look, his hair burnished and bright all haunt me. And the music . . . so much music—I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.
I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don’t have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want none of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that’s me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that’s it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further—and I have nothing left to break.

I think the real reason Ana is avoiding everyone isn't because she can't stand the thought of opening up- but because she knows they will tell her she's being a melodramatic git. Yes, break ups suck, yes, you can be sad, but Ana isn't eating, she isn't sleeping, she is engaging in dangerous and destructive behaviors because she split with a dude she had been seeing for about two months because it wasn't working out. They left on civil and friendly terms! She should be more worried that he keeps contacting her even though she asked him not to. She knows he has stalker tenancies! Augh.

From here we get to jump back to Ana at work, being annoyed at her boss hovering and asking personal questions. I would usually assume these are "trying to get to know you" type questions but we don't see any of them, and I'm sure he's going to turn into a big sexually harassing monster in the near future, so they probably ARE awkward and personal, but EL James doesn't tell us what they are, just tells us that he asks them. THE WRITING IS SO BAD IT BURNS!

Ana then gets an e-mail from Grey offering her a ride To Dartmouth. From Seattle. Four hours (if memory serves). To her friend's art show that she had invited him to when they were still together. Her friend who he refuses to even acknowledge by name he hates his guts so much. THIS SEEMS PERFECTLY REASONABLE! Ana then has a moment to realize that her phone was sent to forward all of her calls and messages to the Blackberry Grey had given her.

...

Why were you paying for two phones rather then changing the number of the blackberry?

Ana cries in the bathroom and the narrative gets kind of confusing, talking about crying herself to sleep and reminding herself that she's at work. She laments over if she can see Grey,  and if she can stand it. Apparently there are no other options for getting between Seattle and Portland? Like maybe a bus, or a train. Because university towns never have those sorts of things to the nearest big city. Naturally she'll accept Grey's offer, but that's because Ana is a big stupid head.

So the book goes on with Ana dwelling on Grey and his Dark Tragic Past TM and her boss being SUPER creepy until finally we're in the car. I'm actually going to pause her to talk about her boss.

Jack keeps saying things like "You're doing such a good job!" and hovering and opening doors and suggesting they should get drinks to "celebrate her awesome first week" how the hell could she be having an awesome first week when she is apparently living on lattes and angst? Any reactions that get described to us are wooden and forced on her part. So, he is being super duper attentive to his new assistant. His young, pretty, new assistant. Maybe he sees shes sort of... down, and just wants to cheer her up, but I'm not going to bite. Consider this the "sexual harassment" part of my rant because seriously, fuck you EL James. I will be SHOCKED if his behavior is treated as anything more than a minor annoyance, and that will confirm to me that EL James has been lucky enough to never been sexually harassed in the workplace herself.

I don't think people should stay away from writing about things they've never experienced first hand. I've yet to torturer a person to death, or have an arm ripped from its socket, but I'll write about those things. I do think, however, when you start getting into things like domestic abuse and sexual harassment in the workplace, you need to consider how you handle it. They're real issues.  Issues many women (and men) have had to deal with. Have been helpless against it because you still need to work and so what if the owner sometimes suggests you should straddle a broom handle and cram it on in there for his amusement**? It pays better than your other options. You normalize it, too, if you're helpless to do anything about it. "It isn't so bad" "they're just kidding around" I'm sure you're all at least on paper familiar with the things a person would tell themselves. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe EL James isn't appropriating real, traumatic issues simply because she wants to make her plot a little more edgy and they'll be treated as real issues, but I will be very, very surprised if she does. Hell, I'll mail the woman a card and a cookie if she handles sexual harassment in the work place like a real issue and not some fantasy land sort of thing that is all magiced away by Grey. [/end tangent]

Ana for reasons I still don't understand gets in the car. Grey is all sexy and good smelling and he immediately starts reaming her on not eating because it looks like she lost 5 pounds, and Ana commented that her dress is looser than before, too. ... IT HAS BEEN 5 DAYS! If she has been eating as little as she says she is, she would have passed out and been hospitalized by now. Assuming she is eating more than that, is 5 pounds in 5 days even possible? Or enough time to have a such a drastic change that your clothes would fit differently and people would be able to tell by looking at you? He then goes on to get growly that her boss waves at her because how DARE she know other men!

“Well? Your last meal?”
“Christian, that really is none of your concern,” I murmur, feeling extraordinarily brave.
“Whatever you do concerns me. Tell me.”
No, it doesn’t. I groan in frustration, rolling my eyes heavenward, and Christian narrows his eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I want to laugh.

Anything she does is a concern to him. Switch shampoos? He wants to know. Paint her toenails blue? How DARE she not send him a text! I get that this is supposed to be part of his appeal. He's super into anything she thinks/does/wants to do. I get the appeal of the fantasy of someone who is interested in anything you might have to say. Sometimes I start talking about writing and The Boy's eyes just sort of glaze over- but despite the fact that sometimes it's frustrating, usually I'm pretty grateful that there are parts of my life that are just mine. He cares because they affect me, but he's pretty content to let me handle it myself unless asked to help. I LIKE having that separate space from him, otherwise it would get boring. He has his shit, I have mine, it keeps us both our own people and breathing room instead of turning into some sort of horrible blob monster. Is the idea of a guy who wants to know EVERYTHING YOU DO INCLUDING WHAT YOU ATE really that appealing to other women?

Now, to touch on the other problematic part here. The eye rolling. In the last book Ana got her first spanking, an experience that read as really rape-ish and uncomfortable to me, over eye rolling. It turned into an ongoing issue, she wasn't allowed to be exasperated ever. Or at least she wasn't allowed to show she was exasperated ever. That is why it is driving them both to giggles because IT'S SO FUNNY THAT HE HIT HER OVER ROLLING HER EYES!

“Ana, please. We need to talk.”
I’m going to cry. No. “Christian, I . . . please . . . I’ve cried so much,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions in check
“Oh, baby, no.” He tugs my hand, and before I know it I’m on his lap. He has his arms around me, and his nose is in my hair. “I’ve missed you so much, Anastasia,” he breathes.
I want to struggle out of his hold, to maintain some distance, but his arms are wrapped around me. He’s pressing me to his chest. I melt. Oh, this is where I want to be.

BOUNDARIES MAN! BOUNDARIES! This is not an okay way to handle your ex. He doesn't hug her, he doesn't go for an arm around the shoulders or something more... subdued. He pulls her into his lap. And holds her there with enough force that she doesn't think it's worth it to even try and escape. He knows he just has to wait and his black magic glamor*** will kick in and she'll be a puddle in his crotch.

...

That sounded way better in my head.

And, uh, they seem to be back together now? He's holding her hand like it ain't no thang as they go up to the helicopter because duh. In the elevator to said helicopter, the boners start.

He glances down at me, gray eyes alive, and it’s there in the air between us, that electricity. It’s palpable. I can almost taste it, pulsing between us, drawing us together.
“Oh my,” I gasp as I bask briefly in the intensity of this visceral, primal attraction.
“I feel it, too,” he says, his eyes clouded and

 What. If I was just standing in an elevator with some chick I wanted to bone and she let out a twitterpated "Oh my!" out of fucking nowhere my response, even if I was full on lady-bonering right back at her, wouldn't be "Hellz yeah I feel this too" it would be "What the hell did you just see? Is there a monster in the elevator? Damn it. I thought I had that skink infestation taken care of!". What I'm trying to say if I'm bad at being sexy. So they get out of the elevator and Grey is still being super snuggly with Ana and she isn't stopping him. As they get into the helicopter and start to head out, he gleefully points things out. Such as the Space Needle.

“I’ll take you—we can eat there.”
What? “Christian, we broke up.”
“I know. I can still take you there and feed you.” He glares at me.

Three lines, and so much to unpack. Grey is clearly not processing that they split, or sees it as a temporary thing even though Ana was pretty clear when she left. He still sends her flowers, e-mails her, takes her for helicopter rides, and at no point stop and thinks what she might want. He thinks that Ana didn't mean it and still wants him. He, unfortunately, isn't wrong, but it shows a very blatant disrespect for her choices, boundaries, and wants. Ana has been so stunned and so swept up in this that she hasn't been able to remind him that they are not together until he starts to blatantly pretend their not. When she tried to reassert her boundaries, what's his response? To be snippy, ignore them, and glare. SO DREAMY YOU GUYS!

“What’s your boss like?”
“Oh, he’s okay.” How can I tell Christian that Jack makes me uncomfortable? Christian turns and gazes at me.

Okay, so bets on the whole "Ana's boss is going to be sexually harassing her" thing being resolved in a way that involves Grey financially ruining him?


“Good thing for you this is only three floors, in those heels,” he mutters to me in disapproval.
No kidding.
“Don’t you like the boots?”
“I like them very much, Anastasia.” His gaze darkens and I think he might say something else, but he stops. “Come. We’ll take it slow. I don’t want you falling and breaking your neck.”

Because Ana can't take seven steps without falling over. Actually, that isn't true. Ana is based on Bella Swan, from the Twilight series, who actually can't take seven steps without risking horrible injury. It's meant to make her cute and give lots of strong beefy men an excuse to heave her around. Ana has in text managed to hurt herself... I think once? There's a lot of talk about how she's sooo clumsy but it's really starting to feel like an informed trait here. Which makes it all the more annoying that she apparently can't be trusted to walk down a few flights of stairs in a pair of heels. I am a klutz. The fact that I work in kitchens and haven't died is miraculous. I am constantly covered in cuts and bruises, and I can still walk in heels just fine. Is expecting characters to be consistent and realistic enough that I can suspend my disbelief really so much to ask?


So Ana and Grey are in the car and there is some awkward "I MISS YOU AND WANT YOU BACK BUT WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW SO WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT ON THE WAY BACK OH AND EAT SOMETHING YOU RAKE." from Grey.

“Good evening and welcome to José Rodriguez’s show.” A young woman dressed in black with very short brown hair, bright red lipstick, and large hooped earrings greets us. She glances briefly at me, then much longer than is strictly necessary at Christian, then turns back to me, blinking as she blushes.
My brow creases. He’s mine—or was. I try hard not to scowl at her. As her eyes regain their focus, she blinks again.

"HE'S MINE I TELL YOU! MINE! EXCEPT THAT I'M TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM SO MAYBE YOU COULD DO ME A SOLID AND MAKE OUT TO CONFIRM THAT THIS IS A BAD MOVE ON MY PART?"


The woman in question somehow knows Ana by name- I'll assume there's a portrait of her up at the gallery somewhere, and Grey is shuffled off so Ana and Jose can have a scene where he's in a suit and Ana gets teary because HE'S HER ONLY FRIEND YOU GUYS! Well, while Kate is gone. Her only friend who she's made no effort to contact for over a week at least. He gives her a bear hug and we get this.

“Hey are you okay? You look, well, odd. Dios mio, have you lost weight?”

 Honestly, is he wearing a sombrero, too? Has Ana over FIVE DAYS really managed to loose that much weight? I get that she was skeletal before but seriously how is this even possible?

“Christian brought me,” I say, suddenly apprehensive.
“Oh.” José’s face falls and he releases me. “Where is he?” His expression darkens.
“Over there, fetching drinks.” I nod in Christian’s direction and see he’s exchanging pleasantries with someone waiting in line. Christian glances up when I look his way and our eyes lock. And in that brief moment, I’m paralyzed, staring at the impossibly handsome man who gazes at me with some unfathomable emotion. His gaze hot, burning into me, and we’re lost for a moment staring at each other.

Well aren't they just SO DESTINED to be together? Just gawking at each other like a pair of turkeys. Ana then has a moment of "OH MY GOSH HE WANTS ME! THIS PERFECT MAN WANTS ME! STILL!" and I think I just face palmed so hard I gave myself a black eye. Jose tries to give Ana a warning about something (the inevitable portrait) but is dragged off for an interview or something of the sort. Ana at this point starts to actually look at the photographs around her. Mostly landscapes, which is his thing and was mentioned before. They're apparently pretty good?

So the random photographer spots the SUPER FAMOUS AND ENIGMATIC Grey and asks for a picture. Grey agrees and drags Ana into it- this is a big deal because he has now twice been photographed with her for some press thing, and when Ana internet stalked him before there were no pictures of him with women. We then- ugh. I'm just going to throw it up here, it hurts too much to try and paraphrase.

"...No, I don’t do dates, Anastasia—only with you. But you know that.” His eyes burn with sincerity.
“So you never took your”—I glance around nervously to check no one can overhear us—“subs out?”
“Sometimes. Not on dates. Shopping, you know.” He shrugs, his eyes not leaving mine.
Oh, so just in the playroom—his Red Room of Pain and his apartment. I don’t know what to feel about that.
“Just you, Anastasia,” he whispers.


BECAUSE ANASTASIA ROSE STEELE IS THE MOST SPECIAL AND UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE TO EVER GET STUCK UP SOMEONES NOSE! GRLEHIAH. Again, I get the fantasy here, powerful, sexy man who gives a shit about what you had for breakfast is treating you special and differently because he thinks you're special and different. Not like those Other Women who will fawn over him at every opportunity, no, you're a real person. My issue comes with the hamfisting presentation of it. Show, don't tell. Isn't that the first rule of writing?

So Ana finds the portraits of herself.

We turn the corner, and I can see why I’ve been getting strange looks. Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits—of me.
I stare blankly at them, stupefied, the blood draining from my face. Me: pouting, laughing, scowling, serious, amused. All in super close up, all in black and white.
Holy crap! I remember José messing with the camera on a couple of occasions when he was visiting and when I’d been out with him as driver and photographer’s assistant. He took snapshots, or so I thought. Not these invasive candids.

So, I get that he was about to warn her about this before getting dragged off but shouldn't he have asked if it was okay to use pictures of her first? I can't imagine Ana would have agreed to it. She didn't even realize he was taking the pictures. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an "ART!" sort of thing or "invasive, creepy, and way too personal" sort of thing. Discuss in the comments. Grey naturally starts to get mad that another man has noticed his perfect special snowflake (though really, Jose was on the scene first and had noticed her before Grey came into the picture, so it's more that he wasn't the first to notice his super duper special unicorn of a girlfriend).

“Did you just buy one of these?”
“One of these?” he snorts, not taking his eyes off them.
“You bought more than one?”
He rolls his eyes. “I bought them all, Anastasia. I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.”

I didn't think I need to bust the pineapple out this soon. I hope she throws her wine on the portraits, sets them on fire, and skips out merrily to go bone Jose for hours on end. I don't even like Jose as a character, he basically tries to date-rape Ana in the first book, but it would piss off Grey and therefore I support it. And then the banter starts. The "OH WE'RE SO CUTE AND WITTY LOLOLOL" banter that has plagued the last book. Heavy with "I want you to slickle my peeny with your smart mouth"**** subtext. JUST STICK IT IN HER BUTT ALREADY!

“You look very relaxed in these photographs, Anastasia. I don’t see you like that very often.”
What? Whoa! Change of subject—talk about non sequitur—from playful to serious.
I flush and glance down at my fingers. He tilts my head back, and I inhale sharply at the contact with his long fingers.
“I want you that relaxed with me,” he whispers. All trace of humor has gone.
Deep inside me that joy stirs again. But how can this be? We have issues.
“You have to stop intimidating me if you want that,” I snap.
“You have to learn to communicate and tell me how you feel,” he snaps back, eyes blazing.

YES IT IS HER FAULT FOR NOT COMMUNICATING NOT YOU DELIBERATELY INTIMIDATING HER AND POLICING HER THOUGHTS MOODS AND ACTIONS!

Ana's magical appearing and disappearing backbone decides it's time to make an appearance at this point.

“Christian, you wanted me as a submissive. That’s where the problem lies. It’s in the definition of a submissive—you e-mailed it to me once.” I pause, trying to recall the wording. “I think the synonyms were, and I quote, ‘compliant, pliant, amenable, passive, tractable, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued.’ I wasn’t supposed to look at you. Not talk to you unless you gave me permission to do so. What do you expect?” I hiss at him.
He blinks, and his frown deepens as I continue.
“It’s very confusing being with you. You don’t want me to defy you, but then you like my ‘smart mouth.’ You want obedience, except when you don’t, so you can punish me. I just don’t know which way is up when I’m with you.”

If this was how Ana usually acted, I would adore her character. Here she's articulate, concise, and stands up for herself all while telling Grey off for being a d-bag, and she does so without resorting to screaming of]r name calling. Can I get a fuck and yes? I think this is how EL James sees Ana, but this is not the Ana we see normally. Only when the plot demands it. It's sort of like her Ultimate Form. Grey agrees that she made a good point and then, since he has lost control of the conversation, gets awful again.

“Come, let’s go eat.”
“We’ve only been here for half an hour.”
“You’ve seen the photos; you’ve spoken to the boy.”
“His name is José.”
“You’ve spoken to José—the man who, the last time I met him, was trying to push his tongue into your reluctant mouth while you were drunk and ill,” he snarls.
“He’s never hit me,” I spit at him.
Christian scowls at me, fury emanating from every pore. “That’s a low blow, Anastasia,” he whispers menacingly.

AND POINTING OUT HOW ONE OF HER BEST FRIENDS TRIED TO MAKE OUT WITH HER ISN'T?! A half hour for one of her best friends openings. Grey had been invited by Ana initially, and it asked to bring her all on his own. Now he's dictating it's time to leave because she stood up for herself and he wants to assert his power. He brought her there, he gets to decide when they leave. Now, I do think he has a point in his reasoning for disliking Jose, however it's Ana's choice, and he should respect that she and Jose talked about it and worked it out. He's allowed to still dislike him, and frankly should, I still do, but he should learn to reign that shit in. If I believed for a second the reason he disliked Jose was because of the fact that he practically tried to molest Ana, I'd be more on side, but I think it's that Jose has feelings for Ana, and that is Unacceptable to Grey.

Ana has flown hours to go and see her friend and his opening, and wanted to be there badly enough to accept the ride from her ex she was still torn up over. This means nothing to him, and she tries again.

“Please, can we stay longer?”
“No. Go. Now. Say good-bye.”

What a dream boat, amIrite ladies?

So Ana goes over to say bye to Jose, who notices that she seems PISSED and she tries to downplay it. He accepts this and is all affectionate bear hugs and spinning. Grey is having NONE OF THAT and stalks over to stake his claim on Ana as HIS even though they're not together.

He looks quickly up and down the street then heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley, abruptly pushing me up against a wall. He grabs my face between his hands, forcing me to look up into his ardent determined eyes.
I gasp, and his mouth swoops down. He’s kissing me, violently. Briefly our teeth clash, then his tongue is in my mouth.

Alright, so, I'm not the only one who thinks this is TERRIFYING right? He just dragged her into a dark alleyway and is violently ramming his tongue in her mouth. Ana isn't given a chance to consent, or to protest. Now, naturally, she wants it because Grey is a fucking warlock and that's part of his magic, but this is an insipid thing to sell as part of a fantasy. A man so jealous that he's moved to violence is supposed to be a good thing? And lets be honest, this is violence. He's grabs Ana, unaware, and pulls her into a dark alleyway so he can have his way with her despite the fact that she's been vocal about being upset with him and confused and not dating him. It's one thing for your boyfriend to decide it is spontaneous sketchy alleyway sex time, it is another for your ex to.

So they make out, naturally, and it's a super intense emotional make out that leaves them both winded. Kay, show of hands, who has ever actually been left panting just from making out?

“You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word. He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he’s run a marathon. “For the love of God, Ana.”

You. Don't. Own. People. And she's your ex. She has decided that is actually not the truth at all! See? Terrifying stalker.

His tactics have worked, though, and Ana, blinded by her lady-boner, apologizes. See what I mean about the vanishing back bone?

“I’m sorry,” I whisper once my breath has returned.
“You should be. I know what you were doing. Do you want the photographer, Anastasia? He obviously has feelings for you.”

So not only is it not enough that he has made Ana apologize for having a dude friend who hugs her, he now has to guilt her over it. How dare Ana not anticipate the needs and feelings of every other man and just lead him on like that! How dare she! It isn't like she has explicitly told Jose that she only sees him as a friend or anything! Clearly any touching means you want his dick!


This is all wrapped up with a charming declaration from Grey that he's usually so STOIC AND IN CONTROL and with Ana he just fucking looses it! It is her fault that he's being such a wanker! Shouldn't that be a reason to stay the fuck away? Just saying, if someone made me loose my head, and broke up with me, I'd take that as a sign to get my shit back under control and move on, not pursue them harder. Then they're off to eat.

And that's the end of chapter 1! I'm torn on how I feel about this one. On one hand, I was expecting the first few chapters to be slow and draggy since Ana would just be sitting in a corner in a catatonic state. Maybe there could have been a time jump, I sort of expected that, too. Instead we get dropped right back where we left off, treated to an over dose of angst followed up with Grey being absolutely terrifying. I just- what the fuck? WHY is this popular? Why do women looove him? He's terrifying!

Well, that's all from me until next week. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions in the comments, as comments encourage me to keep reading this God awful book!

*Not that there is anything wrong with wearing boots, smoking, or drinking.
**True story, happened to me. Not the worst thing he did. His brother-in-law was worse than he was on top of that.
***For new readers, this isn't in text explicitly, but it's the only way I can make any fucking sense of people's reactions to him.
**** Over eager high-fives to anyone who gets that reference.