50 Shades of Grey chapter 17 in which the author seems super cool with rapey-culture

So chapter 17. Let's try and do this in a way that won't hurt my brain. Bets on my success? Because I wouldn't take that bet. The chapter opens with Ana being soooo hot and tossing and turning and there's a lot of moth-flame imagery. She then wakes up suffocatingly hot as she has a man wrapped around her. I won't mock that too hard, boys are basically radiators. She's just happy that he stayed the whole night! I'm loving the thought of Grey just fucking off in the night and Ana wakes up alone after all that. She would just cry and cry for weeks. It'd be hilarious.

“Good morning,” he mumbles and frowns. “Jesus, even in my sleep I’m drawn to you.” He moves slowly, unpeeling his limbs from me as he gets his bearings. I become
aware of his erection against my hip. He notices my wide-eyed reaction, and he smiles a slow sexy smile.

This is why she should be on the pill already! Which you should be taking regularly for at least a month before you try and have unprotected sex. I'm curious if that will take with Ana and Grey. So Grey realizes he is late for his meeting and is gone in a dash, and Ana then goes through her daily routine of tea, shower, breakfast, and then realizes she has time to send a quick e-mail before work. So with limited time sits down to send him an e-mail about how she felt about the spanking. Brace yourself. 


From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Assault and Battery: The after-effects
Date: May 27 2011 08:05
To: Christian Grey
Dear Mr. Grey
You wanted to know why I felt confused after you – which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me. Well during the whole alarming process I felt demeaned, debased and abused. And much to my mortification, you’re right, I was aroused, and that was unexpected. As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to me – I only wish I was more experienced and therefore more prepared. I was shocked to feel aroused.
What really worried me was how I felt afterwards. And that’s more difficult to articulate. I was happy that you were happy. I felt relieved that it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. And when I was lying in your arms, I felt – sated. But I feel very uncomfortable, guilty even, feeling that way. It doesn’t sit well with me, and I’m confused as a result.

Bit of a text dump here, and there wasn't a ton of room for trimming. Firstly, if EL James doesn't want us to see Grey as abusive, why is Ana? There is some very strong language here. She calls it assault, battery, and says he beat her. These are big things. Secondly, how does EL James think sexual awakenings go? Admittedly mine was more standard. You know, kissing, hugging, awkwardly touching a penis, and just escalated from there. Ana's is not. She started at sex. However, I'm still confused as to why she is struggling so hard to understand the what and why of what's going on in her own head. She is totally un-self-aware! You can be innocent and still know what the hell you think and feel! I'm also confused as to why Ana feels guilty for having enjoyed it and and- so much fail.

So Grey responds, and his is point form, but there's really only one that I want to point out. I'll sum up the rest real quick. Ana makes Grey happy, and loves how inexperienced she is because she's HIS ALL HIS MUWAHAHAHA and don't worry, spanking won't get worse then that. Now, onto what I want to talk about.

So you felt demeaned, debased, abused & assaulted – how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try and embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That’s what a submissive would do.

Firstly I really wish James would stop talking about Tess Durbeyfield. If done well, literary parallels can be a nice way to add some depth and flavour to your book. Having the characters frequently draw attention to said attempted parallels? Not so much.

He also goes straight to the victim blaming. "Well you wanted this, so stop complaining" and "Just suck it up and deal with it!" and neither of these things encourage her to speak her mind in the future. He's dismissing her. I'm also irked by him questioning how she actually feels. "Are you sure you feel like this? Because I think you just think you should feel like this!" Grey talks big about respecting and adoring her, but he certainly doesn't respect her. When someone goes out of their way to tell you their feelings, you listen to them. Otherwise they won't want to tell you these things and sfhjsdsg. The part that really upsets me is that he'll be right. She doesn't ACTUALLY feel debased! That was just what society has taught her to feel! He does add the loop hole of "Okay, maybe you DO feel this way. If you do I want you to totally ignore your feelings and needs in favor of mine" <- NOT HEALTHY.

Things then take a turn for the "Erika wants to drink all the things in existence." Ana says that if she listened to her body she'd be in Alaska now! How coy!

From: Christian Grey
Subject: You Didn’t Call the Cops
Date: May 27 2011 08:35
To: Anastasia Steele
Miss Steele
...
For the record - you stood beside me knowing what I was going to do.
You didn’t at any time ask me to stop – you didn’t use either safe word.
You are an adult – you have choices.

 Nekjgfnarwkjlnhawifjnawenjaq. NlijgfaiejnaekjgrniJRGPAEOFBP9wuegheiad vnlWKJNGRHB809U9Qh. Lijhaf. VICTIM BLAMING! You know, I've read a few articles about women who have been raped in ways that "didn't follow the conventional rape narrative" IE Not attacked by a crazed gunman and taken by force, but raped by someone who they knew, or they were drunk or, you know, any number of ways that rape can happen that are not being attacked by a guy in a ski-mask. IE Most of them. In many of these articles, these women talk about how they weren't even sure if what happened to them was rape right away, and they were afraid to call the cops, or weren't sure if they should at all because it wasn't "Rape-rape" and, you know, a million other reasons! I mention this because there are also millions of reasons why what Grey did can be Not Okay At All and Ana wouldn't rush to the phone to call the cops.

The fact that he thinks if she didn't call the cops then it's fine is infuriating, and he is still being dismissive. I hate that he spends so much time treating her like a kid, and lords "YOU ARE A GROWN UP" over her head when it suits him, and totally ignores that she could have been overwhelmed or confused and that she was drunk when this happened. Right, she was drunk! A state she was in because Grey deliberately plied her with alcohol! You know, maybe not in a state where she would think to use the safe words? You also made it sound like that wasn't an option. She tried to say "no" to start with and you didn't give her an out then, either. This whole thing has such a strong rape-narrative that it's unnerving and upsetting. Sure, she didn't use the safe-word, just like a super drunk girl might not say "No" while a guy has his way with her. That doesn't make it not rape, and that doesn't make it okay.

Is he serious about coming to find me, should I decide to escape for a while?

So close to erotic horror, yet so far. Or erotic-thriller. We could go that way, too. So Ana asks if he's in therapy for his stalker tenancies because she's just so coy and cute! Honestly, if I was seeing a dude and he called me a stalker? I would be upset. I would then stop, think if what I've done had actually over-stepped any boundaries and maybe was stalker-ish, and if anything was borderline, would talk to him about it and then stop. That isn't something you joke about to me. Grey however then just says "Well duh I'm in therapy I am meant to be troubled but cute so I need to show that I am self aware and working on it!"

Ana then keeps being coy and says he should get a second opinion. Which is just an awful thing to say. "HEY I SEE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TREATMENT FOR YOUR ISSUES AND WORK THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS! DO BETTER!" Here's a pro-tip. If you know someone going through therapy to work on their issues, don't just say "do better" as they're trying. They keep e-mailing back and forth and I groaned out loud a few times as I read it. Basically Ana is being "coy" (read: flippant and kind of a jerk) which is wrapped up by Grey threatening to hit her more and she then peaces out to go to work. Which means she gets to make friends with her BRAND NEW CAR! (That was meant to be read in a Bob Barker voice). So remember how fondly she has spoken of her Beetle Wanda before now?

The Audi is a joy to drive. It has power steering. Wanda, my Beetle, has no power in it at all – anywhere, so my daily workout, which was driving my Beetle, will cease.

CHARACTER CONSISTENCY! So Ana goes to work and she starts to skim her way through the day when a package arrives for her! Her heart sinks as she knows it's from Grey and she dreads what thing he has sent her now. It's a blackberry so he can get in touch with her at ANY TIME! And he likes it when she e-mails him. Well, that makes one of us. There is an e-mail waiting for her saying about that, to which she sends a gracious reply.

I think you need to call Dr. Flynn right now.
Your stalker tendencies are running wild.
I am at work. I will email you when I get home.
Thank you for yet another gadget.
I wasn’t wrong when I said you were the ultimate consumer.
Why do you do this?

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS ASK WHY? Is "You need more therapy" going to become Ana's new "cute" running joke? This book is just giving me the Rage. Also that's less stalker more total lack of understanding of boundaries. Grey sends an instant response back (haaaateee) and the simple answer is "because I can". The rest of the day is skimmed over until the end of the shift.


At four, Mr. and Mrs. Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and during a hair-curlingly embarrassing speech, present me with a check for three hundred dollars.

Now, to Ana's benefit, she reacts sweetly to this. I'm pointing this out because I have never worked a part time job where this shit would happen. I've been given going away gifts from jobs, but they're never more then say, $50. Usually a card with a gift-card. Am I alone in thinking this is just further proof that this book is fiction? Also you don't get everyone together after a 4-year part-timer is leaving to give them a big send of unless you're going to do that for every. single. person. Which I don't get the impression that they do. Ana would have expected this if it were the case. EL James however has been working in offices and things of the like where this sort of thing happens, and once again we see a 21 year old that's secretly middle-aged.

So Ana goes home and she and Kate finish packing after a comment about the car. Later on Taylor turns up to collect Wanda. Ana apparently only had a flashlight in the thing so she grabs that and hands the keys over as she begins to ponder Taylor.

He has the same taciturn expression as Ray, and I warm to him.
“He’s a good man, Miss Steele,” he says, and he smiles slightly. With that, he gives me a little nod, climbs into my car, and drives away.

Taylor's job description also includes playing wing-man for Grey, apparently. It's a short and pointless scene. Taylor turns up to get the keys because that apparently needs to happen on page, says Grey is a cool dude, annnnnd. That's it. Scenes with Grey go into painstaking detail. Scenes without Grey are glossed over as quickly as humanly possible. Then it's the night and Ana and Kate are hanging out with Jose watching bad tv, drinking beer and eating Chinese food as they reminisce about the last four years fondly until there is a knock at the door! WHO COULD THAT BE?!

Kate answers the door and is nearly knocked off her feet by Elliot. He seizes her in a Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace. Honestly… get a room. José and I stare at each other. I’m appalled at their lack of modesty.

I had someone mention to me that one of the few good things about Twilight is that at no point does it slut-shame, and that 50 Shades has managed to strip one of the few good things away from its source material.  It isn't just herself Ana expects to be modest, it's everyone. I can understand not being a fan of over the top PDA and just... Not wanting to watch people make out on the bus and such. Are Kate and Elliot being rude and kind of tacky since Ana and Jose are right there? Definitely. Is Ana still being critical and judgmental and her usual awful self? Yup. This is there hello. Give them that and THEN be bitchy. Ana and Jose decide to peace out to the bar since Kate and Elliot are soooo going to bone right then and there. I'm sure this is just to get Ana in trouble with Grey. Ana herself seems fine with Jose, she says things are back to normal and the event is forgotten (or swept under the rug) but I'm sure that's about to change. We don't actually see Ana and Jose spending any time at the bar. The conversation we see boils down to "You're still going to be a part of my life once you move, right???" and then Ana goes home and has to listen to Kate and Elliot banging in the other room. After she says bye to Jose she mentions something that strikes me.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the Beetle, I know he’ll freak when he finds out, and I can only deal with one man at a time freaking out at me.

Ana doesn't like conflict. I get that. However she has now twice skirted talking about her new car. She's embarrassed by it! She's afraid to talk about it! Grey just seems to make her more and more uncomfortable. There's an e-mail from Grey being all "BITCH CALL ME YOU SAID YOU'D E-MAIL ME AND YOU DIDN'T AND WHAT IF YOU GOT KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS?" so after seeing FIVE MISSED CALLS Ana thinks that he's suffocating her and calls back. I want to point out that Ana sucks at having a phone. She never has one or two missed calls, she has three to six. People only call that many times if they're used to you not answering. She is also afraid to call Grey because he's gonna be sooo pissed!

Thankfully, he isn't. The conversation is actually... Normal. Ish. Grey has a Sad for reasons unknown and is all soft and sedate and Ana thinks of the grief piano from when they first boned and just wants to hug him! They then somehow dissolve into a "You hang up" "No you". That happens guys. At least they acknowledge that it's over the top? It's a short conversation but drives home that the whole point of the last few scenes was to show Grey WORRIES about Ana because he cares!

Then we skip to the girls in their new apartment. Elliot has set up their electronics before he must skip out for mandatory family dinner since his sister is back in town. I'd like to note that neither Kate nor Ana are invited. Don't get me wrong, to me, that makes sense, but I know a lot of people would have invited their S.O. along in that instance. As Kate sees Elliot out Ana, again, ponders the difference between Elliot and Grey. Elliot is so cute and open and physical! Too physical! Can't keep his hands off Kate! Which, again, new couple, what ever, but I can relate. However Ana also says that she's envious, which struck me. Has Ana internalized such brutal views towards female sexuality because when she was celibate, it wasn't entirely by choice and her jealousy led her to bitterness?

So Grey sends a bottle of champagne and a helium helicopter to the girls and then we skip ahead to SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Ana puts the dress and heels on again, having forgotten about the doctor apparently. As Ana and Grey make eyes at each other, Grey tells Ana that his Mom wants her to come to dinner (Elliot will also be inviting Kate). I am so not looking forward to that scene. It's going to cause skin crawling. I just know it. So the doctor turns up but before Ana goes to see the woman, Grey grabs her and whispers this sweet gem.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispers. “I can’t wait to get you naked.”

And that's the end of the chapter! This one hurt less then chapter 16. Probably because it was shorter? The start of the chapter when Grey is getting his victim-blaming ass-hattery out there I wanted to burn the sofa, but after that he was hardly on page! Funny how him not being on page makes the book more bearable.

Comments and drinks recipes are always appreciated. Until Sunday! 

Chapter 11, in which we all get bored to death by EL James.

So I started trying to write this post already three sheets to the wind, but typing wasn't working out so well and I accidentally lost a few pages of work trying. So we're going to try and do this one sober. It's just starting off with paper work. It can't be THAT bad, right? Right? Right?! Oh God please tell me it can't be that bad.

So the legal document is, as we all suspected, trying really hard to look like a real contract. And is therefore boring as fuck. I don't know why anyone would want to ever READ a legal document when we all skim our own contracts, but what baffles me even more is why EL James would want to WRITE such a thing. The contract is still messed up, mind you. Like this part.

2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.

Right. To explore HER sensuality. Which you want to do without giving the girl a safe word when she's going in blind? THAT'S safe. I also want to know how he's planning to respect her when she's strung up to the ceiling hog tied with an apple in her mouth as he spanks her with a riding crop screaming “SQUEAL FOR ME PIG!”. You know, if that actually happens, this book might go from “scary bad” to “so bad it's amazing”.

If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice.

At first I read this and was all “Oh, that's actually not awful” but then I read closer. Basically it says Ana can't dump him without a reason. She can't just decide she's not into it. She can't say “This isn't okay” after the fact, either. She gets one chance to list all the things she won't do before she signs this, and then that's that. She's stuck with him until the contract expires unless he fucks up by his OWN standards.

Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. ... she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.

This just made my skin crawl. Serve and obey. In ALL things. Is he a sadist or a fundie? Also, “offer pleasure”. What the fuck does that even MEAN?

So the contract drones on, and on (the contract lasts 3 months and can then be re-negotiated) and uses the words like “ad hoc”. Until we hit something else that makes me want to just set the book on fire and call it a day. However I'm reading this digitally and am far too attached to Elwood (my laptop) to set HIM on fire, so... You win this round James.

The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.

That's right. Grey can dump Ana ANY TIME HE LIKES but Ana has to ASK PERMISSION to leave. Unless he breaks his own rules, but again, it seems to be him who get's to decide if it counts or not. THIS IS NOT BDSM THIS IS ABUSE!!! He is TRAPPING her!

The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and dis­cipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

Which means that yes. Grey CAN tell Ana to go make him a sandwich. I HATE YOU SO MUCH CHRISTIAN GREY! SO VERY MUCH! Also does this sound weirdly like a marriage vow? “To own and control. Through petulance and periods. Till death do you part? You may now flog the bride.”

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guid­ance in how to properly serve the Dominant.

He likes his sandwiches with the crust cut off.

The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submis­sive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

Locked up in her creepy chamber bedroom decorated however she likes in his apartment is a safe and stable environment, right?

The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Sub­missive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.

What? Corporal punishment?! Is he going to pistol whip her?! Also want to know what psychologists have proven is GREAT at helping people learn? Punishing them without telling them why! That is ENTIRELY a proven method of discipline and teaching. Doesn't cause neurosis and damage in people AT ALL.

In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the Submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.

Because then she'd have a case when she realizes how insane this is and takes him to court because he wouldn't let her dump him.

In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.

This is foreshadowing to the typical “couple were fighting and then one of them (heroin) gets sick so the hero can be soft and gentle to her to break up tension” scene, right?

The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant.

BECAUSE THE SUBMISSIVE IS THE PROPERTY OF THE DOMINANT!

Okay. We're through the parts of what The Dominant's duties are. Let's see what it says the Submissive should be doing, shall we?

The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.

Once the mandatory blood tests are done Grey's going bare back you guys! Still, though it pains me that Ana HAS go on the pill*, I'm glad to see birth control addressed. Often in these books women just magically don't get knocked up.

The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.

WHAT IF SHE SLEEP WANKS?! That's a thing!

The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do without hesitation or argument.

That's right. She can't stop and say “wait, how does this work?” as he pulls out a vuvuzela. She just has to assume what ever position seems most likely as he does so. I'm going to guess bending over for the vuvuzela myself. Thoughts?

The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint.

Grey has a bad day and takes it out on Ana. Ana is all “wait, I just got here, where is the cane coming from?” “JUST SHUT UP OR I'LL BEAT YOU HARDER!”

The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down and maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant.

WHAT?! Okay. Question answered for “sadist or fundie”. Fundie. She's expected to be modest, discrete, and obey the patriarchy. He will also pick out her clothes. Maybe an ankle length, ill fitting floral gown?

The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dom­inant and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Grey, or such other title as the Dominant may direct.

See above. This isn't sexy. This is weirdly frigid and prudish.

The Submissive will not touch the Dominant without his express permission to do so.

That's right. She can't touch him of her own volition. Sex with Grey is going to be really boring, isn't it?

WAIT! There ARE safe words! Oh thank God. There are two. “Yellow” which means “getting to be too much” and “red” which is “STOP STOP NOW HOLY FUCKING CRAP STOPSTOPSTOP”. Traffic lights are so sexy. Does she just scream “GREEN!” when she's into it?

And then this bull shit excuse of a chapter goes into MORE LEGAL BS. No, remember those rules from a few chapters ago? Like “You must sleep 8 hours a night and wear what I tell you to”?The chapter is actually reusing those. WE ALREADY READ THIS THERE IS NO REASON TO BE COPY-PASTING IT! James couldn't just have Ana say those were in there, too? "Oh, and those hard and soft limits from that fateful night are here, too..." We need to see them among a bunch of other REALLY FUCKING BORING pretend legal jargon.EL James just harvests people's suffering to fuel her Genesis machine, doesn't she?

Though then we get to Appendix 3. I just want to copy and paste the whole thing. It's a quiz. “Which of the following are and are not okay?” we knew these would come up. However I will give you guys a peek at the first section.

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

• Masturbation

• Fellatio

• Cunnilingus

• Vaginal intercourse

• Vaginal fisting

• Anal intercourse

• Anal fisting

Some of these I'm surprised aren't assumed. IE: Vaginal intercourse. Some of them I am delighted are on the table IE: Fisting. It then goes onto “How do you feel about pain on a scale of 1-5? How much do you want? How do you want it administered?” and I understand that this is supposed to trick Ana into thinking what she wants matters. However this quiz reads like a product survey. One that involves fisting. It is a strange mix of bizarre and hilarious and somehow still boring. NO ONE WANTS TO READ LEGAL JARGON LET ALONE PRETEND LEGAL JARGON JAMES! NO ONE TAKES CUSTOMER SURVEYS BECAUSE THEY ARE BORING!

Naturally, since now the reader has read THE WHOLE FUCKING THING Ana will narrate everything in it to us. EL James is such a compelling story teller. Her first reaction is almost reasonable.

My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily. Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief.

This gave me hope. Ana then goes onto say “Wait, marriage ceremonies use the word obey, right?” and gets derailed and wonders if he burns through women so fast because this only lasts three months. She keeps summarizing the contract for us, I guess EL James assumed her readers would get bored and start skimming so made sure Ana went over ALL OF IT after.

I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that?

Very. And creepy!

... but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes – captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets. I recall his burning smoky gaze and press my thighs together, squirming.

BE STRONG ANA! DON'T LET HIS BLACK MAGIC DISTRACT YOU WITH RAGING LADY-BONERS! Also sign that this is fanfiction – going on, and on, and on about eyes. One of my characters in my books has very distinctive eyes. If they are mentioned at all, I try to use one descriptor and Editor Number 1 has STILL been making fun of me for it. Ana realizes that she is far too tired to give this proper sane thought and goes to get ready for bed. Which is narrated in pain staking detail.

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

I really dislike this whole constant battle between her subconscious and inner goddess. I don't know about you, but if I had something I would call an inner goddess, she wouldn't be saying “LET'S DO THIS SO WE DON'T END UP A SAD SPINSTER LADY!” she'd be saying “WE ARE STRONG AND SMART AND SEXY AND AWESOME AND DO NOT NEED THIS BULL SHIT!” and then she and my subconscious would go start doing shots. They are telling me to do that now, and it's becoming a tempting idea.

Still, I want to pick that apart. Her subconscious is pointing out how insane this all is, meanwhile her inner goddess wants herself a piece of that ass. This isn't a sexual id want, which I could have understood, this is framed as a fear of dying alone. It's true, Ana has not been attracted to anyone else before ever. If I had never been attracted to someone before, I would be making a big deal about being into someone, but I also imagine I would have become very comfortable with my own company and if that person turned out to be a crazy, over bearing, controlling douche nozzel, I'd be okay enough with my bad self to just get out of there. I continually struggle to understand and relate to Ana. Considering Ana is supposed to be a reader insert character for women, and I am, last I checked, a woman, that is not good. Either James is doing it wrong, or I am.  

We then get Ana wondering “Am I submissive?” considering that you've made yourself Kate's bitch I'm going to say yes.

I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense gray eyes.

STOP WRITING DREAMS! THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE THEY ARE NOT DEEPENING THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OR OFFERING NEW INSIGHTS! We already KNEW Ana was all obsessive and frazzled and turned on. Being told through ANOTHER dream is not helping. Plus, this point, why not just write a really trippy sex scene and have Ana wake up confused and aroused as to... This.

So Ana is awoken by Kate the next morning because THERE IS A PACKAGE FOR HER AND SHE NEEDS TO SIGN AND IT'S BIG AND SEEMS INTERESTING COME ON ANA!

“It’s a MacBook Pro.”

“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.

“These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.”

Yes, of course it is a state-of-the-art computer that is more expensive and offers no real features that you would need for your GOOGLEING. Also, unless you're doing hard core image or sound editing, I don't think there's a reason to own a Mac. This is my own opinion and I know a lot of people love the crap out of them, but on a specs to price scale, they're just not worth it for generic use to me. So why is Grey getting her a Mac Book Pro rather then... Something really light weight, durable, and fast that's custom made so it would suit her needs better?

“Your new email address.”

I have an email address?

HOW ARE YOU 22, ATTENDING UNIVERSITY, AND APPLYING FOR JOBS WITHOUT AN EMAIL ADDRESS? WHAT KIND OF ROCK DID YOU LIVE UNDER ANA?! No, really, most universities have their OWN e-mail systems that you HAVE to use to get things like grades and updates and assignments and notes from your teachers. I get that Ana is supposed to be naive and innocent, but this isn't naive and innocent. This is impeded. This is a woman who has failed to grasp one of the most basic levels of technology that SURROUNDS HER. Ana later says that she's been using Kate's computer for 4 years, so, again, I wonder how she never had an e-mail address.

“This is next-generation tech.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Most women get flowers or maybe jewelry,” she says suggestively, trying to suppress a smile.

I scowl at her but can’t keep a straight face. We both burst into a fit of giggles, and computer man gapes at us, bemused.

OH LOOK AT US TWO SASSY YOUNG WOMEN IN THE CITY! AREN'T WE SO FUNNY?! No, if my room mate was sent a laptop after one night of banging I'd worried that she was accidentally prostituting herself. Also how does one "gape, bemused"?

Naturally there is an e-mail waiting for her from Grey. They banter back and forth via e-mail, and I use the term “banter” loosely. She keeps calling him “sir” and he's all “so you DID do the reading! Any questions?” and she's all “Not on e-mail. Now if you'll excuse me SOME OF US have to work!” says the student being bought clothes and salon appointments and shoes and computers that aren't even available in stores yet to the multi-gabillionair buying them for her. He then once again says “Laters, baby.” INCONSISTENT CHARACTERIZATIONS.

He emailed me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades.

Really? A few flipping e-mails and being asked on a scale or 1-5 how much you want to get beaten up doesn't seem so bad? Kdfjgdslgknea.

So she's off to work and Jose calls and is all “we still hanging out?” and is given some flattering and warm descriptions.

“Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be an­gry with him anymore.

“All-hispanic-american smile”. I literally have no idea what that means. Also I've commented on James simply casting Jose as “brown” a lot, and this is not helping me think she isn't at least a little bit racist.

As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.

“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”

“José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”

He grins.

He grins because now he knows he can get away with trying to cram a hand down her pants she'll still be hanging off of his arm after a little grovelling. That's also all we see of Jose. That's it. The whole scene.

“HI ANA!”

“HEY JOSE IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU BEING YOU!”

“YES I AM DEFINITELY THE WARM NOT RAPIST MAN YOU KNOW! YOU'RE SURE WE'RE COOL?”

“YUP!”

“OKAY I'M GOING TO KEEP OPENLY LUSTING FOR YOU DESPITE YOUR REPEATEDLY SAYING YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF AND DIE YET!”
"OKAY I'LL SEND MIXED MESSAGES AND CLING TO YOU!"

And then Ana goes home excited to maybe get another e-mail. I can't totally fault her for this. When I was doing the dating thing still, getting e-mail from maybe new-boyfriends was always exciting. So again, we get them e-mailing back and forth with instant answers. I'm not a Mac user, but are the e-mails basically a chat client? You don't need to hit refresh to see a new one? Or is this just EL James not quite understanding how e-mail works, because if she did, she'd understand the implication that her two main characters are sitting there frantically hitting refresh.

So Ana hits Wikipedia (as Christian says that is where you ALWAYS START DUH! WHO STARTS WITH GOOGLE?! And we all know how reliable and honest Wikipedia is!**) and simply types in “submissive”. EL James thankfully in an uncharacteristic twist DOESN'T just copy and paste the article into this chapter.

I sit staring at the screen, and part of me, a very moist and integral part of me – that I’ve only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on. Oh my, some of this stuff is HOT. But is it for me? Holy shit… could I do this? I need space. I need to think.

STOP USING THE WORD MOIST GOD DAMN IT! And that brings us to the end of chapter 11. Ana, you are 22 (?) young and curious. Why not just ask Grey if you can cut the normal term down to half (or just have the clause be the Submissive can leave whenever she wants) the time since you're going in blind and just fucking go for it? Stop this wimpy winging and just grab the bull by the dick and fuck it already. The parts of this book where you're NOT fucking cause me physical pain. The sooner you get to all boneing all the time the better.

Honestly this might be the most boring chapter to date. Does EL James get off on paper work? Because that would explain a lot.

As always, comments/drink recipes are much appreciated, and if you know someone who you think would enjoy this blog then pretty please point them over here! Till Thursdays dear readers!

* What if Ana was one of the women who had an adverse reaction to the pill? Not every woman can use the pill.
** Though I also started with Wikipedia so I guess I can't judge too harshly. 

50 shades of Grey chapter 9, in which there is more banging.

I'm feeling better about these after last chapter. So much so that I'm at least starting this chapter off sober! Wish me luck! Also, again, sexing in this chapter, not totally SFW. I think that's just something that should be assumed from here on out, and they're still “training”.

So our chapter opens with Ana waking up next to Grey and gawking at his beauty for a few paragraphs before stealing his shirt and slipping off to pee. In her wanderings she gets lost in Grey's massive apartment because it's sooo big. I want to know why he's in an apartment and not a mansion on the outskirts of town or something, or if James has ever really been inside of condos. Yeah they can be massive, but how big is this freaking building?

Kate! Oh no. I didn’t think about her all evening. I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble.

If she couldn't be bothered to text you when you didn't come home when he was supposed to give you a lift, or to text you HERSELF to check in when she didn't hear from you, then I don't think she gets to put anyone in the corner.

Do I look different? I feel dif­ferent. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles - jeez it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. You don’t do any exercise in your life, my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.

I think I have enough in-text evidence to build a pretty solid case to the answer being “Oh hell yes” to that question. Also Ana has been described as super duper skinny, so the fact that we're having “she's super inactive” being thrown at us annoys me. Also, Ana, your subconscious is a judgmental bitch. Just gonna throw that out there. 

I am going to have to process all this. Honestly, fancy falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain waiting for me. I shudder. I’m bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual wayward self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me.

WE GET IT HE'S THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD! Less talking and more hilarious fucking! Ana then wanders off to find her phone. There are three texts from Kate! OH NO! No missed calls, mind you. The loaded Kate couldn't use any minutes on her phone to CALL Ana, just text.

*RU OK Ana*

*Where RU Ana*

*Damn it Ana*

Let's take a moment to revel in these. Kate is a journalist, who has been working as the editor on the school paper, and who's parents are loaded and spoil her rotten. I struggle to think that she doesn't have a phone with a touch screen keyboard, or just a qrty sliding keyboard on it. I also struggle to believe that any self respecting editor of any sort would ever type “RU” as to “are you” or even “r U”.

I call Kate. When she doesn’t answer, I leave her a groveling message to tell her I am alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard, well not in the sense she would be worried about – or perhaps I have.

Blue Beard, for those of you wondering, is the upbeat charming folk tale of a man who kept getting married and had a strange quirk. Whenever he left he asked his wife to carry an egg with her. This was so when she found the mutilated body of the previous wife she'd drop it and he'd know it was time to get to horribly murdering his new wife. IF YOU ARE COMPARING YOUR POTENTIAL NEW BOYFRIEND TO A FICTIONAL SERIAL KILLER YOU SHOULD BE THINKING HARDER! Ana admits that she's confused and muddled and overwhelmed – which is totally fair – before deciding that sorting out her thoughts and feelings aren't that important and then goes about searching for hair ties and making breakfast.

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pig­tails. Yes! The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

I think we've established that he likes you young and girly, Ana. So she dances around his HUGE FANCY kitchen as she makes breakfast rocking out to her iPod while he's still sleeping. She's thinking at the right level of not too deep (or so she tells us) but deep enough and getting bonery over the memory of the night before.

Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere and now… I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself. Why is he this way? Nature or Nurture? It’s so alien to anything I know.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE IN LOVE BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH SO DIFFERENT AND NEITHER REALLY FIT IN BUT IT'S OKAY THEY'LL UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!!! Also I mentioned being annoyed when authors song-drop to tie in feelings of the characters, and this is a very good example of it. It's just so... Well, fan-fiction-y. Also, Ana, you were a bookish shy girl, that's... Not really a misfit. That's... Being bookish and quiet. Being a misfit means you got taunted because you were unrelentingly yourself, even though that got you taunted and teased. You may have been invisible, but you got to fly under the radar. That girl no one really noticed, but you didn't have to worry about the jocks taunting you mercilessly and the Pretty Popular Mean girls picking on you for ANYTHING because your inability to conform freaked them right the hell out. *seeth* Grey turns up and taunts Ana a little for her dancing (fair but boring. The world needs more spontaneous dance parties.) and offers to put some music on so she can continue. She gets all blushy again. Ana, HE HAS BEEN INSIDE OF YOU. You can relax and calm down now.

He gently pulls my pigtail.

“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard…

Told you so. Also Blue Beard's whole character is he's a charming serial killer. Again, if THAT is the connection you're drawing, hard boil the egg and freaking book it. We then get some in depth “this happens and this happens and then more of this” for Ana and Grey cooking/setting the table for the cozy breakfast they're about to have. It's described in more detail then there is any good reason for and is incredibly tedious. I'm waiting for him to take the maple syrup and starts drizzling it on her body and ends up giving her a horrible yeast infection.

“No. I wondered if we should continue your basic training.”

“Oh.” I stare at him dumbfounded as I stop breathing and everything inside me clench­es tight. Ooh… that’s so nice. I suppress my groan.

I like it when I get lady boners, awww yeah. Also, again, basic training. I'm picturing this going down as “Okay, so, here's a penis. You touch it. And then, you touch it again. KEEP TOUCHING IT. Now lick it.”

“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”

And then, THE ORAL SEX!

“What is it with you and food?” I blurt. His brow knits.

“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.

BECAUSE HE HAS A DARK HISTORY OF BEING BUT A POOR STARVING CHILD WHICH IS WHY HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL TO BECOME A RICH BASTARD! He is HURT and ANGSTY. Which makes him dark and interesting, I guess? Kate calls and is all “SO ARE YOU OKAY WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT DID YOU BONE WAS HE GENTLE?” and Ana is realizing that she signed a NDA and CAN'T talk about it which she realizes will be a problem. Ana is all “So can I not talk AT ALL about the fucking? Because Kate is going to ask and I... Have questions. Yes, questions. That's it.” And Grey is all “Dude she's boning my brother I'd really rather she not know and no, he doesn't know about the “red room of pain” it's about PLEASURE damn it!”. Then they're off to take a bath! Not sure if I'm hoping he busts out a rubber duckey vibrator or not.

He pours some expensive looking bath oil into the water. It foams as the bath fills and smells of sweet sultry Jasmine.

Jasmine isn't something I'd off offhandedly refer to as particularly sweet OR sultry. Flowery, maybe?

He is just yummy. My subcon­scious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head. I take his hand, and he bids me to step into the bath while I am still wearing his shirt. I do as I’m told. I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to take him up on his outrageous offer… if!

That's right, her subconscious is swooning over his abs while he throws her in the tub, still in his shirt. Her subconscious who has openly berated her for jumping on his magical unicorn boner* is now swooning over abs. I think the only character I dislike more then Grey might be Ana's subconscious. Back to Grey heaving Ana over his shoulder and pile driving her into the tub still wearing his shirt, which is white and we've established she isn't wearing a bra, so... Yeah.

“I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?”

The real key to turning men on isn't head butting like Chip Zdarsky** told me?! I feel betrayed! Who knew. Lip biting. Got it.

“Anasta­sia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you.”

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND SPECIAL AND I AM GOING TO STICK ALL SORTS OF THINGS INSIDE YOU SO STOP BEING BASHFUL OKAY? Oh my GOD. EL James has the most awkward dirty talk fantasies EVER. I get it, we're supposed to be all "zomg he's sooo nice!" but honestly, he sounds stiff and awkward to me. It's probably for the best he's trying to coax her out of bashfulness now. There will be no time for it once he pulls out the egg beater.

I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked.

Yes, Ana, people are usually naked when they're in the bath.

He moves down my arms, then under them to my underarms washing gently. I’m so glad Kate insisted I shave.

Later on he's going to be smelling her armpits. Also, bets on orgasms this chapter? I'm going with 2 this time. Well, 2 for Ana. One from being fondled and then another from the oral sexing.

His hands glide across to my breasts, and I inhale sharply as his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners.

He actually pistol whips her left nipple before shooting it.

It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought.

I thought her subconscious had passed out from all the blood rushing to her genitals? I get what I refer to as “brain boners”. They are totally asexual in nature, it's just the best way I can describe how I feel when someone says or does something incredibly witty/clever/smart. It's an intellectual platonic attraction. I don't think you want him to be having brain boners right now Ana. Because if he did you wouldn't be getting molested in the bath, you'd both be sitting in a coffee shop, heads bowed together, conspiratorially whispering about what ever clever schemes you've got going. It's an awesome time, sure, I enjoy me some brain boners, but that isn't what you want and we both know it. You want him to bend you over the sinks and spank you with a loofah.

“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear and very gently grazes my earlobe with his teeth. “Feel it for me.”

And later smell this milk, smell it for me baby, and tell me if it's gone bad.

“Turn around. I need washing, too,” he murmurs.

Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.

Great! Now you're already halfway there! Just lower your mouth and-

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ana, this is Steve, Steve, this is Ana! I hope you'll both become very good friends! Also there goes that hope for Grey having a detachable penis.

It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips.

And soon it will grow so big that Steve will poke her in the eye. Seriously how massive is Grey's wang supposed to be?

He wants me to touch him. Hmm… okay, bring it on.

She then puts on war paint before grabbing the soap.

“Like this,” he whispers, and he moves his hand up and down with a firm grip round my fingers, and my fingers tighten around him. He closes his eyes again, and his breath hitches in his throat. When he opens them again, his gaze is scorching molten gray. “That’s right, baby.”

Step one: You touch it. Then you touch it some more. Didn't we go over this earlier?

Fuck my mouth… hmm. I remember him pushing his thumb in my mouth and asking me to suck, hard. His mouth drops open slightly as his breathing increases. I lean forward, while he has his eyes closed, and place my lips around him and tentatively suck, running my tongue over the tip.

Step two: Lick it. Also I earnestly hope in the movie they have a flash back mid-banging to the night before of him banging her. 

Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth.

Like a snickers bar!***

Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth.

Other places you can fuck him with – your there, your ass, your hands, your tits, and, if he's really talented, maybe a nostril?

He reaches up and grabs my pigtails and starts to really move.

Of course he does.

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

Other flavours include Jose, Elliot, and black dude with dreads from chapter 1!

My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

This is her thought mid-beej. Busting out some moves. This seems dangerous to me. If you start dancing mid-beej you run the risk of biting. No one wants to be chomped on.

“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you don’t want me to, stop now.”

Are you guys ready for Ana's first protein shot?!

He cries out and stills, and I can feel warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat. I swallow quickly. Ugh… I’m not sure about this. But one look at him, and he’s come apart in the bath because of me, and I don’t care. I sit back and watch him, a triumphant, gloating smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

Hey, first time she's gotten a guy off (not sexing), that's worth a little pride. Baby's first blow job!

“Have you done that before?”

“No.” And I can’t help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

Wait, so Ana has never had a guy “do” it for her before, but she's given a beej before? Huh?

“Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Orgasm! Another one!

You still haven't gotten one this chapter Ana, don't act so shocked.

My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly. His erection tamed, but still substantial…

Really? He's just about ready to go again THAT fast? Damn. Also has anyone ever ACTUALLY drooled because they were turned on? I mean sure people drool, and I'm sure they could be drooling AND be turned on, but I've yet to see a set of abs so glorious that it causes me to loose control of my saliva glands. 

He wraps me in the towel, pulls me into his arms, and kisses me hard, pushing his tongue into my mouth.

I would have pegged him as the type to want her to brush her teeth first.

“Say yes,” he whispers fervently.

I frown, not understanding.

“To what?”

“Yes to our arrangement. To being mine. Please, Ana,” he whispers, emphasizing the last word and my name, pleading.

Things that you usually don't discuss when dangling orgasm over your partners head – your future.

“Trust me?” he asks suddenly. I nod, wide-eyed with the sudden realization that I do trust him. What’s he going to do to me now?

COME ON EGG BEATER!!!

He steps away into his closet and comes back with a silver-grey silk woven tie.

Does the man own anything that is color? Honestly. Just a splash dude. How about red? Red is masculine, right? So he makes her put on the tie and pretend to be his Dad and say that she loves him and is proud of him and- Just kidding. He ties her up. 

He runs his fingers down my pigtails.

“You look so young with these,”

Again, TOLD YOU. Seriously though, she's... 21? I think? Looking young for her is looking not-legal. And he's into that.

“Keep your hands up here, don’t move them, understand?” His eyes burn into mine, and I’m breathless from their intensity. This is not a man I want to cross… ever.

“Answer me,” he demands, his voice soft.

“I won’t move my hands.” I’m breathless.

“Good girl,”

Please tell me I have a reader into BDSM who can tell me if this is as strange as I think it is. If you're going to tie her up, tie her up. Don't just bind her hands and go “now don't move!” when not tethering her to anything! That said, the whole purpose is teaching her to control herself so she'll be good at laying there and taking it for him. THAT IS NOT SEXY THAT IS BORING. 

“Don’t move your hands, or we just have to start all over again,” he scolds me mildly. Oh, he’s such a tease.

She moved her hands, her punishment for moving her hands will be more drawn out foreplay. Oh, the horrors. 

He glides his tongue up my instep – and I can no longer watch him. It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust.

I would pay so much to read that autopsy report. “Cause of death – sexy explosion”.

And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there! I know it. And part of me is glorying in the anticipation. He turns to my other knee and kisses his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently. I writhe… oh my.

It's no longer “there” now it's her sex. Though I would have guessed that was female. I think I wouldn't pass Grey's sex training. Largely from the uncontrollable peals of laughter.

“Tit for tat is not my usual style, Miss Steele,” he whispers as he gently blows up and down me. “But you’ve pleased me today, and you should be rewarded.”

“Usually I'll just leave you blue-balled with a vibrator to take care of yourself once I'm done.”

I’m losing all sense of self, every atom of my being concentrating hard on that small, potent powerhouse at the apex of my thighs.

She is under going physical changes through sexy times with Grey. He is actually training her to be his apprentice in his dark arts to his Lord Satan.

It is too much… My body begs for relief, and I can no longer deny it. I let go, losing all cogent thought as my orgasm seizes me, wringing my insides again and again. Holy fuck. I cry out, and the world dips and disappears from view as the force of my climax renders everything null and void.

ORGASM NUMBER ONE! Also how is the world “dipping” when you're on your back? Grey grabs a condom and then starts banging her pretty much the second she climaxes. Didn't he say he wasn't going to do that today because he made her too sore?

“Come for me, baby.” His voice is harsh, hard, raw at my ear, and I explode around him as he pounds rapidly into me.

ORGASM NUMBER TWO! Also if she's sore and chafed, even if she's enjoying this now, ow. This is going to hurt tomorrow.

I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh… what to do?

If you DO take it further he'll teach you how to summon your own fire sprites!

“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.”

“Like Canada!”.

Before Ana can answer him with “YES TEACH ME THE WAYS OF YOUR DARK LORD SATAN!” there are VOICES outside!

“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.”

“Mrs. Grey, please.”

“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.”

“Mrs. Grey, he’s not alone.”

“What do you mean he’s not alone?”

“He has someone with him.”

“ Oh… ” Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

“Shit! It’s my mother.”

OH NO BUSTED! Wait, you're nearly 30. Mamas boy? Mama's boy. Normally I would expect her to hate Ana because she's defiling her baby boy and because drama, but this is Twilight fan-fiction. Which means the Mother is sweet and gentle and wonderful and perfect so she will naturally see the good in Ana from the second she lays eyes on her like any good Mother does! That brings us to the end of this chapter! Stay tuned for professions of love and whips and chains! Also I feel I should be keeping track of how many of these chapters end with Grey swearing, as it's almost a theme now. 

As always, comments and spreading this blog around are much loved as knowing this is getting read and enjoyed makes the suffering through this awful awful book worth it. Till next week!

*Credit to Pope_Suburban for the phrase 
 ** NSFW ish 
*** Sorry if I just ruined snickers for you.